Stevieslaw: The Rednecks are coming. The Rednecks are coming.
Our local newspaper, the CDT, in a largely successful effort to avoid reporting actual news, picked up a story today from Patrick Whittle of the AP that describes the migration of the lobster population from Southern New England to the cooler waters off the coast of Maine and Canada. The lobsters, apparently unable to understand or to follow the Republican dictum that there is no global warming, are selfishly moving North rather than allowing themselves to be slowly stewed in place. While there has been no public outcry because the price of lobster has remained the same, many Canadians are becoming alarmed.
Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, was fortunate enough to speak to Fiorina Donald, a very successful Canadian businesswomen with, many say, political aspirations.
Fiona was quick to summarize Canada’s concerns. “Over the next 50 years or so, the American South will become so hot that it will only be useful as a place to store nuclear waste. Americans will look to migrate to Canada to escape the weather. We understand that the first wave of American immigrants will be the usual bunch of rapists, violent criminals and the insane that you wish to get rid of. We can handle that. It is the second wave of Americans that is likely to overwhelm us. Typically, they will be gun-toting, bible thumping Texans who see a conspiracy hatching behind every rock. They will advance upon Canada in pickup trucks full to the brim with snotty kids and pregnant wives. And they will arrive with a firm belief in their moral superiority and will wonder why the native born Canadians have not been confined to some sort of Reservation. Have you heard the slogan, “The only good Canadian is a dead Canadian?”
You will.”
Ms. Donald was very clear that this wholesale destruction of Canada will not be allowed to happen. “I am proposing that we build a wall between us and the United States. If we are clever enough in citing American National Security, we can probably get the Yanks to foot the bill”.