Stevieslaw: What rock did you crawl out from under?

In 1972, we had fun with the acronym CRP (The Committee to Re-elect the President) extending it to CREEP as a way of succinctly explaining Tricky Dick and his campaign.

This year, barring some impeachment miracle, we will be dealing with CREEP 2 and somehow the stakes seem higher, but Republican theorists have been dealing with the larger issues associated with creeps. In a recent White Paper entitled, “CREEPS: Will They Be There When We Need Them?” the Republicans studied the potential problem of replacing the current crop of really creepy old white men—misogynist, racist, breathtakingly ignorant (yet eager to speak out)—with a new generation of creeps.

The study concludes that such people will be available and Republican in the foreseeable future—a conclusion buoyed by the Kavanaugh nomination—a man so certifiably creepy my mom would have described him with—“ooh, what rock did he crawl out from under?”

Still, Republicans acknowledge that they will be hard pressed to replace some creeps. “Rick Santorum and Ted Cruz come to mind,” said Republican spokesperson, Slim E. Ball. Can we find someone as clever as Rick in putting words to rape (“rape victims should make the best of a bad situation”)? Or someone as innately creepy as Ted (nine out of ten Americans interviewed agreed with the statement, “one glimpse of Cruz has me thinking “I need another shower”).

“We just want Americans to know,” said Slim E, “that the Republicans are concerned about maintaining the high level of creeps in the party, and that we are on the job.”