Stevieslaw: Lunch with Jesus

Stevieslaw: Trump discloses lunch with Jesus

In a Fox News exclusive, President Trump described his 2014 lunch with Jesus at the famous Russian Tea Room in NYC.

Jesus told me that I was the only one capable of rescuing America from the clutches of that treacherous Muslim, Barack Obama. “He had some wonderful things to say about me—believe me, believe me,” said Trump.

“We both had the Chicken Kiev,” said Trump, “Delicious. And it went perfectly with the Sauvignon Blanc he made from the tap water.”

Trump admitted to being a bit nonplussed by the fact that Jesus stuck him with the bill.

“I thought that he would pick it up, or at least offer to split it,” he lamented.

“It worked out ok though. I told them I forgot my wallet and never paid it,” concluded the President of the United States.

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Stevieslaw: Cold Sweat

 

Here is the link and the poem.  Type in my name in the search box to find the poem.

http://www.dimeshowreview.com.

 

Cold Sweat

They finished stitching you
at 2 A.M.
The crowd at the ER
spilled out into the corridors—
drunks and druggies,
strokes and heart attacks.
People in such pain
they could no longer keep the silence of poverty.
A woman gave birth
on a gurney in the hallway.

We left before the cops came by.
I’d come to walk you home,
but you said “not yet”
and took off, long-legged
into the ragged dark.
I don’t know why
I tagged along.

We walked past the projects—
ugly as the lives they housed,
past the burnt-out wrecks
of places people once called home.
Past schoolyards
and in the eerie darkness
under the el.

You practically ran
down Stone Avenue
where Bubbe once lived
among the roaches.

We didn’t talk
and it wasn’t until we neared home
that I realized you had lifted a scalpel
from the hospital
and were searching
for the guys that cut you.

But not that night.
My heart calmed as the key
opened our front door.
The cold sweat would wash away.

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Stevieslaw: Redeeming Qualities

Stevieslaw: Redeeming Qualities

My first cousin, Paul, had sticky fingers. He could not go into a store—be it a shoe store, a supermarket, or a used car lot, and come out without some unpaid for treasure. Periodically, his mug would appear on the front page of our local newspaper with the headline, “ Local Man Caught Red-handed.” Truth to tell, he wasn’t that good at stealing things.

But, we all loved Paul, in spite of the occasional embarrassing episodes or the calls for bail money at two in the morning. Paul was a delight to be with. He was great with children and pets, could tell a racy joke or two, and was a first rate “spite and malice” player. Rooms lit up when Paul came in.

My mom used to say that Paul had redeeming qualities. You could love him, in spite of his felonies.

So, I spent some time trying to come up with a list of Trump’s redeeming qualities. I came up empty. I tried it on some friends. We all came up empty.

Anyone have even one?

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Stevieslaw: Let Bygones be Bygones

Stevieslaw: Trump tweets—Let Bygones be Bygones

Trump tweeted early this morning “it’s been an awfully long time since I’ve broken any really serious laws. How come the fake news media isn’t talking that up.”

Trump’s lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, agreed, “Donald has been breaking the law since he was a very small child. It takes time to unlearn things one’s learned at a father’s knee. But he hasn’t committed a felony for almost three hours—and as the Bible says*—we should let bygones be bygones.

“We’re Americans,” said Rudy, “We don’t hold grudges.”

*it doesn’t

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Stevieslaw: Boys will be boys

Stevieslaw: Everyone does it.

Rudy Giuliani, Trump’s extraordinary lawyer, will introduce the everyone does it defense this weekend, as he makes the tour of the news shows. Trump tweeted late this afternoon, “Everybody does it, so it’s not a crime,” in regard to the revelations of Michael Cohen.

Giuliani will build on that theme claiming, “What man in this country doesn’t have a personal attorney to pay off bimbos they have tired of. I wish I had a nickel for every time my attorney did this very thing for me.”

Giuliani will go on to point out that paying off some tramp had nothing to do with the election. “I’m quite sure that Michael paid off dozens of women—both before and after the election. It’s the reason Trump hired him, because he knew full well that boys will be boys.”

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Stevieslaw: President Shithead

Stevieslaw: President Scheisskopf

Readers of Catch 22 will certainly recall Scheisskopf, who rose to Lieutenant General (chapter 37) from Lieutenant (Chapter 8) on the strength of his incompetence. Scheisskopf was a single minded imbecile whose sole interest was parades. While in the combat zone, he wasn’t allowed to schedule or have parades, but he could cancel them—

“Due to circumstances beyond my control, there will be no big parade this Sunday afternoon.” Colonel Scheisskopf.

Scheisskopf loved this memo, as it implied that some Sunday soon, there might be a parade.

Oh, I should mention that Scheisskopf translates from the German to “shithead.”

It’s like Joseph Heller knew what was coming:

“Due to circumstances beyond my control, there will be no big parade this year.” President Shithead.

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Stevieslaw: Trump tweets support

Stevieslaw: Trump Tweets Support after damning Grand Jury Report

From the of course it could happen here department.

Trump tweeted his support of the Catholic Church today, saying they were very fine people that got all the important things right. “Right on against abortion and gay marriage—if I weren’t an Evangelical I would be a devout Catholic. I wonder if you can be both?”

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Stevieslaw: Coming soon on your box of Fruit Loops

Stevieslaw: Coming soon on your box of Fruit Loops

As part of our ongoing “Can’t Happen Here,”series…

Trump tweeted today that it would be great fun and great for the country to revive bounty hunting. He suggested posters with photos of CNN reporters emblazoned with the words “Wanted dead or alive,” should go up all over America. “Enemies of the people,” he wrote. “They’re gonna start a war,” he clarified.

The Republican response was swift and clear. Mitch McConnell “distanced” himself from the president by stating, “The tweets were really about job creation,” while Paul Ryan agreed saying, “Bounty hunting was once an honorable profession—lots of good paying American jobs there for hard-working American gunmen.”

And remember—It Can’t Happen Here.

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Stevieslaw: Monkey Bars—a poem

My poem, Monkey Bars, in up on The Drabble today.  Here is the poem and the link:

By stevieslaw

The old playground.
was fenced off years ago.
The rusted frames
of sliding pond
and see-saw
stand silhouetted in the setting sun.
The swing set—seatless now
where young mothers
took their toddlers
on weekday afternoons—
and where we,
barely teen-age,
first made acquaintance with longing.

We fought on the monkey bars
for world domination,
screeched like chimpanzees,
pounded our chests,
and beat each other silly.
We ranked each other out
in words we hardly understood
and screamed
“I”ll murder ya”
“I’ll break ya neck”
at the top of our lungs
until one day we did. Continue reading

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Stevieslaw: My poem, Taxi, in Locust Magazine

My poem about my dad, just appeared in Locust Magazine.  Here is the poem and the link:

http://www.locustmagazine.com/vol3/locust-nine-july-2018

TAXI
~ A Poem by Steven Deutsch ~

My dad drove a taxi
on the night shift
through the tired streets of Manhattan,
his nights filled
with swampy coffee
and drunks
ejected from the local bars.
He’d tell the story
of the drunk that paid
his tab twelve times
in crisp twenties
thinking each time his ride has just ended
or of the ride he gave
to Marilyn Monroe
who kissed him on the cheek
because she didn’t have a dime.
But, most days he slept.
We tiptoed past him–
dead to the world
on the fold-out couch
in the living room of our tiny apartment
and tried to be so quiet.

When he had one Saturday free
he took me to Ebetts Field.
He loved the Brooklyn Dodgers.
Campanella, Hodges, Pee Wee Reese
and most of all Duke Snyder.
We sat in the bleachers
In the blazing sun
and watched Sal Maggie
and Hoyt Wilhelm
take it to the seventh,
nothing nothing.
Dad went for hot dogs at the stretch
and came back with two for me
just after the Duke homered in the ninth
to win the game one to nothing.

We didn’t speak on the train going home.
But on Sunday around the bagels and lox.
He told that story with a smile and a laugh.
It was my only trip to Ebbets Field
and his last.

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