Republicans declare an end to public education is on the horizon.

Tommy Corbett, republican governor of Pennsylvania and man of the people, announced in his new budget yesterday a one billion dollar cut in public education spending and a huge cut in state spending on higher education.  Stanley Miser, spokesperson for Corbett told our own Smokey Diamond, “We’ve done the analysis and are happy to report that public education has worked remarkably well. The citizens of Pennsylvania are now smart enough.”  “The time has come,” he continued, “to return the money we would normally spend on public education to the hard working taxpayers of the state so they can shop.”

Educators, using very small words, have vowed to fight back.  Graham Spanier, president of Penn State University— an institution that faces a 52% cut in state money, declared that the University is considering the nuclear option.  “We never thought it would come to this,” said Spanier, “but if the state does not restore our budget we will fire Coach Paterno and cancel the 2012 football season.”  “Don’t mess with higher education,” he warned.

Smokey Diamond also questioned Mr. Miser on reports that Pennsylvania has been rounding up habitually poor people, giving them “have a nice day” buttons, and shipping them in cattle cars to New York City, as a way of further reducing the State’s budget.  Stanley responded by calling the report “a blatant lie that is being spread by the overeducated elite.”  “There is no such program,” he flatly stated.” “And even if there were,” he added, “we certainly wouldn’t start it until after the weather improved.”