StevieslawTip: Surviving a Government Shutdown

Smokey Diamond attended a town discussion last night about the potential government shutdown and what we, as citizens, might do to protect ourselves.  The meeting began with a frank discussion of what the Federal Government and its elected members do.  After several hours, the participants agreed on four items:

  1. They wage war(s).
  2. They deliver mail (although mostly junk and often not yours).
  3. Their members hurl barbs at one another continuously.
  4. Their members run for re-election.

The meeting concluded that the wars, wounding words and reelection campaigns will continue unabated.  To protect yourself against the loss of mail delivery, the group suggested stockpiling any junk mail that comes in the next few days and adding a bit of it to your mail box every day during the shutdown.  Be careful not to give yourself junk mail on Sunday.

Fox News was more forthcoming on just what to do.  Its spokesman, Ims Rich, suggested to following moves:

  1. Run through the supermarkets and drug stores, screaming “the end is near,” and empty shelves of bottled water, hard cheese, fruit loops and spaghetti—os.
  2. Wait on long lines to stock up on gasoline.
  3. Wait on even longer lines to stock up on Scotch.
  4. Make sure your household members are armed and frightened.

They suggest for those couple of citizens that depend on the government for some small measure of their welfare—such as social security recipients, veterans, other retirees, Medicare or Medicade recipients, government workers, cancer and heart disease researchers, etc., that they follow these simple rules.

  1. Take roughly a million dollars in cash from your lowest interest bank account or your worst performing stock.
  2. Exchange the money for cash in a currency more likely to survive the shutdown, Canadian comes to mind (editor’s note: hurry, there is just not that much Canadian currency out there).
  3. If you have friends or relatives living in a more stable place, such as Libya, Iraq or Pakghanistan, ask them to send the occasional care package (Fed Ex or UPS only).
  4. Avoid your better armed neighbors.
  5. Hunker down, munch cheese, drink scotch and watch Fox.
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