Stevieslaw: DNC to open office in Moscow

Stevieslaw: Democratic National Committee to Open Office in Moscow

With the CIA, the NSA, both houses of Congress and anyone with an IQ over 8 agreeing that the Russians hacked the 2016 Presidential Election to assure Donald Trump’s victory, the Democratic National Committee is finally taking action. Said spokesperson, Iris Cyrillic, “we will be renting space just down the street from the Kremlin—on the same block that Trump has rented space for more than a year.” Iris showed us pictures of Trump headquarters. It featured a red, white and blue banner that said, “talk to us about Eastern Europe.” “The 2016 election may very well have been turned by Russian hacking and false news reporting. It is certainly not going to get any better in 2018 or 2020. We need to have a presence in Russia, so that they can come to like Democrats more than they like Trumpians. That means money and promises.”

“Of course, it doesn’t’ stop there,” continued Ms. Cyrillic. “Sure, we can have a presence in Russia and sure we can throw money and promises their way, but the problem is much, much larger than the Russians. What is really required of a foreign government or organization, for that matter, to significantly influence our elections? First, you need a laptop and a hacker. Second, you need someone proficient at writing false news stories. And third, and most significantly you need a badly educated American population that can’t tell the difference between real and imaginary. Hackers are a dime a dozen, unemployed comedy writers are even cheaper and the American public just elected Donald Trump as a populist candidate. Oh, let’s not forget a news establishment with their heads up their asses.”

“This will give a whole new meaning to the term globalization,” continued Ms. Cyrillic. Our elections are going to be strongly influenced by meddling from around the globe. We will not only need a presence—that is, money and promises– in Moscow, but in Kampala and a hundred other places as well. Telling the truth from the lies is likely to be impossible in 2020 and we will need to make sure the best liars are on our side. And the cost? The cost of the 2016 Presidential election was just under 7 billion dollars, the 2020 election may well cost 100 times as much.”

And, although the news was worse than dismal, I couldn’t help thinking for one brief instance—“holy crap, I may get paid for writing this stuff.”

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