Stevieslaw: Manufacturer of “tiny pens” Rejoices

Posted on February 4, 2017 by stevieslaw

Brad Holdlost, CEO of “Little Pens for Little Tots,” says business is booming ever since Donald Trump started using his “extra small” pen to sign executive orders at the White House. The pen is small enough to be used by 3 and 4 year olds. Said Mr. Holdlost,we never considered the adult “tiny hands” market until Mr Trump started using our, “I’m
a big boy now” model. Sales have been huge- biggest sales ever. Thank you, Mr. Trump.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: Gifted Liars Wanted

Posted on February 3, 2017 by stevieslaw

As a public service, Stevieslaw is passing on a help-wanted ad that appeared in USA Today, yesterday.

Help Wanted: Conscience-free, gifted liars are desperately needed for ongoing operation in the nation’s capital. If you are the kind of person who can declare it is night even as the sun beats down on your head and sweat runs into your eyes, you may be a perfect fit. Does even your mother say “I can’t believe a word you say.”

Help us to change the world. Four years or more of employment is likely. Salary very, very high, huge, best salary ever.

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged | 2 Comments

Stevieslaw: Making the rivers burn again

Posted on February 3, 2017 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Making the rivers burn again

While we were worrying about President Orange starting a nuclear war with a foe or a friend, Congressional Republicans scrapped a Obama era regulation that prevented coal mining debris from being dumped into the nation’s streams. Perhaps that was a tip of the hat to the President, as one characteristic of streams that ran near coal mines was their orange color.

The last time the Cuyahoga River, which flows into the Lake Erie, caught fire was in 1969, although river fires weren’t all that unusual in the 50’s and 60’s. The Chicago, Buffalo and Rouge Rivers also caught fire. Many believe the 1969 fire helped create the Clean Water Act.

Now, it seems entirely possible that our children and grandchildren can get to relive the grandeur of the 60’s and witness a river or two on fire and enjoy the pollution and subsequent death of our waterways. The nostalgia our Republicans legislators feel for the era of a regulation-free America—The Great America—of robber barons and exploitation of women, of minorities, and the poor, was always a sad statement of their lack of belief in an America able to reinvent and surpass itself. Now that they are in power, it is an extremely dangerous one as well.

Speaking of nostalgia, with Pruitt set to head the EPA, we might revisit the lyrics of Tom Lehrer in Pollution (written in 1965). We never suspected it would be fresh again in the 21st Century:

If you visit American city,
You will find it very pretty.
Just two things of which you must beware:
Don’t drink the water and don’t breathe the air!

Pollution, pollution!
They got smog and sewage and mud.
Turn on your tap
And get hot and cold running crud!

See the halibuts and the sturgeons
Being wiped out by detergeons.
Fish gotta swim and birds gotta fly,
But they don’t last long if they try.

Pollution, pollution!
You can use the latest toothpaste,
And then rinse your mouth
With industrial waste.

Just go out for a breath of air
And you’ll be ready for Medicare.
The city streets are really quite a thrill –
If the hoods don’t get you, the monoxide will.

Pollution, pollution!
Wear a gas mask and a veil.
Then you can breathe,
Long as you don’t inhale!

Lots of things there that you can drink,
But stay away from the kitchen sink!
The breakfast garbage that you throw into the Bay
They drink at lunch in San Jose.*

So go to the city,
See the crazy people there.
Like lambs to the slaughter,
They’re drinking the water
And breathing [cough] the air!

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw:My Voices Column for September

Posted on February 1, 2017 by stevieslaw

An old Voices of Central PA. piece that is perfect for our post-truth, bannonian world.

stevieslaw's avatarStevie's Law

From Whole Cloth: The Less-Intelligent-than-average American Guide to Science and Nature:

In Ethan Canin’s title story from his prize winning collection, a retired high school biology and astronomy teacher listens in one night as his next door neighbor identifies the stars and constellations for his teenage son. “It was direct and scientific, and he was lying to his son about what he knew. “These,” he said, “these are the Mermaid’s Tail, and south you can see the three peaks of Mount Olympus, and then the sword that belongs to the “Emperor of the Air.”

In a recent study in the United States, researchers found that only 1 in 7500 citizens over the age of ten knows that there is a world outside of their den and that the athletes and entertainers they watched on their TV set are real people. When coupled with our fine understanding of the scientific method…

View original post 693 more words

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: John Adams weighs in on Betsy Devos

Posted on February 1, 2017 by stevieslaw

In a stunning rebuke of Trump’s pick for Secretary of Education, Betsy Devos, John Adams repeated a statement he first made in 1785 on the subject of public education:

“The whole people must take upon themselves the education of the whole people and be willing to bear the expenses of it. There should not be a district of one mile square, without a school in it, not founded by a charitable individual, but maintained at the public expense of the people themselves.”

Feel free to share John’s sentiments with your Senators and Congressman–many of whom believe that the words of the founding fathers may be found in the Bible.

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: Better than Bannon (Wormtongue)

Posted on January 30, 2017 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Better Than Bannon (wormtongue)

Donald Trump announced in a tweet today that he would fill a last slot on the National Security Council with Vladimir Putin. The NSC was formed during the Truman administration to advise the President on security issues and foreign affairs. Just this week, Trump had replaced the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs with Steve Wormtongue Bannon, citing the need to be led even farther astray.

Trump extolled the foreign policy and security experience of Mr. Putin—a long time contributor to the Trump campaign and a major factor in his victory.

Congressional leaders on both sides of the aisle agreed that the choice of Mr. Putin was infinitely better than the choice of Mr. Bannon. “It is much easier to believe that Putin will make recommendations in the best interest of the United States, than to believe that Bannon will,” said House Majority Leader Paul Ryan.

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: Je veux rentrer chez moi

Posted on January 28, 2017 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Je veux rentrer chez moi.

The sound of relentless sobbing, so loud that it deprived most New Yorkers of sleep last night was traced in the early morning to a despondent Statue of Liberty. Liberty had dropped her torch and bowed her head. “The New Colossus*,” a sonnet written by the poet Emma Lazarus, in 1883, had been washed off the pedestal by the Liberty’s tears.

When questioned by the press, the statue just kept repeating, “Je veux rentrer chez moi,” “Je veux rentrer chez moi,” “Je veux rentrer chez moi.”

*The New Colossus

BY EMMA LAZARUS
Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
“Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she
With silent lips. “Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw Exclusive: Secret Service Code Names (Steve Bannon now Wormtongue)

Posted on January 27, 2017 by stevieslaw

Let’s make it happen

stevieslaw's avatarStevie's Law

Stevieslaw Exclusive: Secret Service code names(Steve Bannon now Wormtongue)

It has long been known that the Secret Service uses code names for the President, Vice-President and his closest advisors so they may react to an emergency without letting an adversary know what they are responding to.

Now, our very own political correspondent, Smokey Diamond, has come up with the names the Secret Service will be using for the new administration. Smokey tells us that the names have been derived from the last two volumes of The Ring Trilogy by J.R.R. Tolkien. In the interest of National Security, Smokey has refused to divulge the codes used for Donald Trump or Mike Pence (feel free to pencil in Sauron and Saruman next to their names if you like), but citing that same national security, Smokey is thrilled to be able to tell everyone that Steve Bannon is now know as Grima Wormtongue.

View original post 109 more words

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: House Republicans form Hosanna Choir to praise Trump

Posted on January 25, 2017 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: House Republicans form hosanna choir to praise Trump

Some fear that the Trump years will be hard on artists, writers and performers based on recent tweets that suggest Trump will cancel funding for the National Endowment for the Arts and Public Broadcasting. But, Kellyanne Conway wants to assure people that their will always be room for artists—writers, singers, sculptors and portrait painters, who are willing to sing the praises of Donald J.

As if to emphasize the need for this, House Republicans this weekend formed a hosanna choir to sing the praises of the President—particularly when he accomplishes more ordinary things. Said Speaker Paul Ryan, “We in the House of Representatives strongly feel that all Americans will be better off if Trump is continuously praised. To accomplish this, we have formed a choir to follow Trump about as he performs his more ordinary functions.”

“We have writers working feverishly to compose paeans to Trump’s everyday accomplishments.” Said Kevin McCarthy—House Majority Leader, “Just today, we were able to sing the praises of a particularly accomplished Trump bowel movement.”

“It was huge,” said Ryan. “The best bowel movement ever.”

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: After Tet

Posted on January 24, 2017 by stevieslaw

My poem appears in the new issue of Misfit Magazine (misfit magazine.net.

After Tet

Rick got the glasses
in Tokyo, on R&R
and the shrapnel in Khe Sanh.
He said they turned sunlight
to a kaleidoscope of color
and after the mortars
hit their tent at dawn
the ground about looked
like crushed strawberries.

That year, the Beatles left for India.
We sang of lonely hearts
and of fields that were forever,
while people took bullets
for their beliefs
or for nothing much at all.
The cities burned.

Rick said that he’d bought
the glasses
for next to nothing,
at a head shop
in Shimokita—
the coolest part of Tokyo,
because he could
no longer stand
to look
into his own eyes.

Posted in gang gang dance, poetry, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments