Stevieslaw: House Republicans to privatize breathing

Stevieslaw: House Republicans to privatize breathing

House Republicans introduced legislation today that would permit multinational corporations to buy “breathing zones,” in the United States. The cost of each zone would be tied to the resident population. Americans would be charged for breathing on the basis of a measured respiration rate.

Said spokesperson, Igot Mine, “The average American consumes about 550 liters of oxygen everyday and it is incomprehensible that no one is making money from this bodily function. Corporations are currently making money for all sorts of human misery and need—think of private prisons, healthcare, and student loans, for example, why not for air?

“I might have missed it, but when was breathing declared a right?” he continued.

Mr. Mine went on to say that the new “breathing industries” would provide a huge stimulus to the economy with tens of thousands of trickle down jobs. Moreover, the poor would be heavily subsidized in the compassionate Republican plan by being taught how to hold their breath.

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Stevieslaw: House Republicans Fix Child Labor Laws

Stevieslaw: House Republicans fix child labor laws.

House Republicans today repealed the major provisions of the child labor laws which had basically governed how long and how hard children under the age of 16 could work.

Republican spokesperson, Igot Mine, said “a major cause of income inequality is that American families–particularly poor and lower middle class families, are not maximizing their labor potential. Two income families have become the norm and increasing prices for housing, education and child care have more than “eaten up” the second income. A way out of this tangle is to have families put their children into the work force earlier.”

Mr. Mine continued, “Republicans recognize that American childhood is too long and that the education of most children in these socio-economic groups is wasted. Moreover, having children in the workforce will dramatically increase the tax base and help to provide the manpower needed to replace the huge number of illegal aliens we are going to deport.”

Democrats, after a long and contentious floor battle, were able to preserve the existing regulations for children under 4 years of age. Said their spokesperson, Raúl
Over, “it’s the best we could do.”

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Stevieslaw: House Repubs ask: How many other massacres never happened?

A spokesperson for Tea Party Republican Congressman, Tim Huelskampn, said today that the House of Representatives will form a blue ribbon panel to investigate not only the massacre at Bowling Green but other massacres as well. “Bowling Green is just the tip of the iceberg,” he said. House Republican want to know how many other massacres, that never happened, were we kept in the dark about? Clearly, the Obama administration–led by a Muslim, kept the Press from reporting these events that did not happen.”

“With 83% of Republican believing that the Bowling Green Massacre actually occurred and that the news of it was suppressed, he continued, “We must leave no stone unturned in tying these fictional events to Obama. This could be the biggest scandal to hit Washington since Watergate and we are rightfully calling it “BowlingGreenGate.”

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Stevieslaw: Manufacturer of “tiny pens” Rejoices

Brad Holdlost, CEO of “Little Pens for Little Tots,” says business is booming ever since Donald Trump started using his “extra small” pen to sign executive orders at the White House. The pen is small enough to be used by 3 and 4 year olds. Said Mr. Holdlost,we never considered the adult “tiny hands” market until Mr Trump started using our, “I’m
a big boy now” model. Sales have been huge- biggest sales ever. Thank you, Mr. Trump.

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Stevieslaw: Gifted Liars Wanted

As a public service, Stevieslaw is passing on a help-wanted ad that appeared in USA Today, yesterday.

Help Wanted: Conscience-free, gifted liars are desperately needed for ongoing operation in the nation’s capital. If you are the kind of person who can declare it is night even as the sun beats down on your head and sweat runs into your eyes, you may be a perfect fit. Does even your mother say “I can’t believe a word you say.”

Help us to change the world. Four years or more of employment is likely. Salary very, very high, huge, best salary ever.

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Stevieslaw: Making the rivers burn again

Stevieslaw: Making the rivers burn again

While we were worrying about President Orange starting a nuclear war with a foe or a friend, Congressional Republicans scrapped a Obama era regulation that prevented coal mining debris from being dumped into the nation’s streams. Perhaps that was a tip of the hat to the President, as one characteristic of streams that ran near coal mines was their orange color.

The last time the Cuyahoga River, which flows into the Lake Erie, caught fire was in 1969, although river fires weren’t all that unusual in the 50’s and 60’s. The Chicago, Buffalo and Rouge Rivers also caught fire. Many believe the 1969 fire helped create the Clean Water Act.

Now, it seems entirely possible that our children and grandchildren can get to relive the grandeur of the 60’s and witness a river or two on fire and enjoy the pollution and subsequent death of our waterways. The nostalgia our Republicans legislators feel for the era of a regulation-free America—The Great America—of robber barons and exploitation of women, of minorities, and the poor, was always a sad statement of their lack of belief in an America able to reinvent and surpass itself. Now that they are in power, it is an extremely dangerous one as well.

Speaking of nostalgia, with Pruitt set to head the EPA, we might revisit the lyrics of Tom Lehrer in Pollution (written in 1965). We never suspected it would be fresh again in the 21st Century:

If you visit American city,
You will find it very pretty.
Just two things of which you must beware:
Don’t drink the water and don’t breathe the air!

Pollution, pollution!
They got smog and sewage and mud.
Turn on your tap
And get hot and cold running crud!

See the halibuts and the sturgeons
Being wiped out by detergeons.
Fish gotta swim and birds gotta fly,
But they don’t last long if they try.

Pollution, pollution!
You can use the latest toothpaste,
And then rinse your mouth
With industrial waste.

Just go out for a breath of air
And you’ll be ready for Medicare.
The city streets are really quite a thrill –
If the hoods don’t get you, the monoxide will.

Pollution, pollution!
Wear a gas mask and a veil.
Then you can breathe,
Long as you don’t inhale!

Lots of things there that you can drink,
But stay away from the kitchen sink!
The breakfast garbage that you throw into the Bay
They drink at lunch in San Jose.*

So go to the city,
See the crazy people there.
Like lambs to the slaughter,
They’re drinking the water
And breathing [cough] the air!

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Stevieslaw:My Voices Column for September

An old Voices of Central PA. piece that is perfect for our post-truth, bannonian world.

stevieslaw's avatarStevie's Law

From Whole Cloth: The Less-Intelligent-than-average American Guide to Science and Nature:

In Ethan Canin’s title story from his prize winning collection, a retired high school biology and astronomy teacher listens in one night as his next door neighbor identifies the stars and constellations for his teenage son. “It was direct and scientific, and he was lying to his son about what he knew. “These,” he said, “these are the Mermaid’s Tail, and south you can see the three peaks of Mount Olympus, and then the sword that belongs to the “Emperor of the Air.”

In a recent study in the United States, researchers found that only 1 in 7500 citizens over the age of ten knows that there is a world outside of their den and that the athletes and entertainers they watched on their TV set are real people. When coupled with our fine understanding of the scientific method…

View original post 693 more words

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Stevieslaw: John Adams weighs in on Betsy Devos

In a stunning rebuke of Trump’s pick for Secretary of Education, Betsy Devos, John Adams repeated a statement he first made in 1785 on the subject of public education:

“The whole people must take upon themselves the education of the whole people and be willing to bear the expenses of it. There should not be a district of one mile square, without a school in it, not founded by a charitable individual, but maintained at the public expense of the people themselves.”

Feel free to share John’s sentiments with your Senators and Congressman–many of whom believe that the words of the founding fathers may be found in the Bible.

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Stevieslaw: Better than Bannon (Wormtongue)

Stevieslaw: Better Than Bannon (wormtongue)

Donald Trump announced in a tweet today that he would fill a last slot on the National Security Council with Vladimir Putin. The NSC was formed during the Truman administration to advise the President on security issues and foreign affairs. Just this week, Trump had replaced the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs with Steve Wormtongue Bannon, citing the need to be led even farther astray.

Trump extolled the foreign policy and security experience of Mr. Putin—a long time contributor to the Trump campaign and a major factor in his victory.

Congressional leaders on both sides of the aisle agreed that the choice of Mr. Putin was infinitely better than the choice of Mr. Bannon. “It is much easier to believe that Putin will make recommendations in the best interest of the United States, than to believe that Bannon will,” said House Majority Leader Paul Ryan.

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Stevieslaw: Je veux rentrer chez moi

Stevieslaw: Je veux rentrer chez moi.

The sound of relentless sobbing, so loud that it deprived most New Yorkers of sleep last night was traced in the early morning to a despondent Statue of Liberty. Liberty had dropped her torch and bowed her head. “The New Colossus*,” a sonnet written by the poet Emma Lazarus, in 1883, had been washed off the pedestal by the Liberty’s tears.

When questioned by the press, the statue just kept repeating, “Je veux rentrer chez moi,” “Je veux rentrer chez moi,” “Je veux rentrer chez moi.”

*The New Colossus

BY EMMA LAZARUS
Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
“Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she
With silent lips. “Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

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