Stevieslaw: S & P to Recover Fine with Even Better Scheme

Posted on February 4, 2015 by stevieslaw

Nota Y. Tinjail, spokesperson for Standard and Poor’s, said today the Bond ratings firm will easily recover the $1.38 billion in fines they have to pay the U.S. government, 19 states and the District of Columbia, “and then some.” You may recall that the fine was levied against S&P for fixing the rating of subprime mortgage vehicles, in a process known as “taking bribes.”

Tindall went on to say that the current scheme the company is concocting is a real doozy and should be quite legal shortly. “People talk about the polarization of this fine nation,” he said, “But the degree of cooperation between the financial sector and Congress is wonderful.” “Rarely better,” he concluded.

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Stevieslaw: ISIS Urges Library Funding

Posted on February 2, 2015 by stevieslaw

The CDT picked up a piece today by the Salageddin and Yacoub, writing for the Associated Press, which discusses the ransacking of the Central Library in Mosul last month by the extremist group ISIS. This is nothing new. You can pick up your favorite news piece from who knows when and read about some identifiably evil group burning books or destroying libraries. This is the 21st Century, so there was a new wrinkle—ISIS packed up the best of the books in refrigerated trucks to sell on the black market, to finance what they’re selling, which I believe is wholesale murder.
I had a happy childhood. But a rational person would be hard pressed to describe my neighborhood in Brooklyn with any other word then dismal. That was one reason my mom would take me to the local library branch on Church Avenue, in East Flatbush. It was better than Disneyland. I would roam the shelves and choose a handful of books to take home twice a week. Fast forward to Schlow Library today and it’s different bright eyed children, still clutching their stacks of books. Some things change in only minor ways.
It’s distressing then, that while we seem to find all the money we need for weapons and delivery systems, we can’t seem to find the money to fund our libraries (and our schools). And while it is not always wise to ask people to support what our enemies detest, I believe we are on firm ground here.

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Stevieslaw: Cousin Myron to Repurpose Holiday Gelt

Posted on February 1, 2015 by stevieslaw

Although you’d never know it from the feature article in the Sunday New York Times, the big campaign news is once again out of South Central Brooklyn. While the Times was busy speculating about how the Republican candidates for President would go about dividing up Romney’s billion dollar campaign network now that he is out of the race, Cousin Myron made a concrete announcement about financing. From a subway platform on Rockaway and Livonia Avenues, Cousin Myron said, “My mother has agreed to let me use my $35 in holiday money to help support an exploratory campaign lunch meeting at Katz’s Deli on the lower east side.” “Several cousins will be present,” he continued “but Marvin is the real funding problem.” “He’s been known to down 3 or 4 knishes at one sitting.”
Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, was able to track down Myron’s mother, who was very forthcoming. “I gave him money because he is so hard to shop for,” she said, “with the red hair and all.” “I was hoping he might buy a nice sweater,” she continued, “but it’s okay if he uses the money to buy his cousins a hot lunch.” “When he puts his mind to it,” she concluded, “Myron can be a real mensch.”

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Stevieslaw: Koch Brothers “will retaliate.”

Posted on January 30, 2015 by stevieslaw

The article contending that Koch Industries will make $200 billion from the construction of the Keystone Pipeline has been pretty well debunked by now, but the brothers still stand to make a pretty penny from their 200 million acre holding of Canadian tar sands. This was apparent today, as the brothers warned that if President Obama were to veto the pipeline bill and if Congress were not to override the veto, they would refuse to buy the 2016 Presidential Election.
“The American people must pressure the President and Congress to pass the Keystone Pipeline Bill, or face an election year of unbelievable anguish,” said Koch spokesperson, Imin T. Mony. “Can they even imagine a campaign season deprived of $900 million dollars of grainy, black and white half-minutes of Hillary Clinton biting the head off a pet bunny as children (of all races and creeds) watch?” “We think not,” he concluded.

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Stevieslaw: Doing what’s good for you.

Posted on January 28, 2015 by stevieslaw

While we were standing on our heads in yoga class today, our instructor reminded us of a Canadian study that showed that even people who exercise several hours a day can have their life expectancies shortened by being sedentary the rest of the time. This sedentary period, as you may recall, used to be called catching your breath. This is a serious problem for those of us who would like to live long enough to be a burden to our children and the health and retirement systems.
Someone in class suggested setting an alarm, so that we might start moving again before rigor mortis overtook us. But if you are like me, an alarm will simply not be enough. So, here a Stevieslaw, we donned our Tom Edision outfits and spent several minutes pondering. As a result we are pleased to offer, the shocktivator, for $9.99 + $299.99 s/h. More than just an alarm clock, a car battery, two comfort leads and duct tape, it is all of these things stuffed into a nearly wooden cabinet. Buy one today and never be too comfortable in your recliner again. Cash only, please.

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Stevieslaw: Vietnam, 1968

Posted on January 27, 2015 by stevieslaw

When my brother held
me upside down
all the little lucky things
came pebbling out of my pockets
to land on the walk
outside the marble yard
on Hopkins Avenue.
I knew I’d never
get them together again.

it was not a sign
of his affection
that had me dangling,
shirt smothered, from my heels
in the Brooklyn sun.
It was a business proposition.
I was seven that summer.
He, a spry fourteen,
loved showing off for girls.
He’d ply me with action comics,
Batman and Robin,
Spiderman, and Green Lantern.
I didn’t mind being dangled.

Things are simple at seven.
I found my two-headed buffalo nickel,
my bolts and wingnuts and the key to someone’s lock.
My rabbit’s foot had spun onto the straggly grass
at the edge of the street.
Fortunately, someone had thought to dye it yellow.
It struck me then that my brother should have it.
But, he had gone.

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Stevieslaw: Dengue Mosquito Bites Senator Wicker’s Ass

Posted on January 26, 2015 by stevieslaw

It’s sort of fun to watch our local newspaper, The CDT, as it tries to become the print version of Fox News. Can they come to stupid fast enough? Today, they ran their once a week column against climate change science. It’s a thinly disguised piece that lauds the clear eyed sanity (as opposed to raving mad environmentalists) of Senator Roger Wicker of Mississippi. It has the usual stuff—no evidence, job loss, and a petition from smart people affirming the world is not getting warmer.

On the same page, the CDT published “its science is going to kill us all soon” article. In it they discussed the possible release of genetically modified bugs to fight mosquitoes that carry Dengue and Chikungunya fevers—two nasty viruses usually confined to the tropics.
The mosquitoes that carry Dengue and Chikungunya fevers are moving North to Florida and other Southern states because global warming is expanding their habitat. And that’s the part that makes me angry. How could the CDT possibly miss the humor in the juxtaposition of those two stories? How could they not publish a photo of Senator Wicker, in a hospital-style bed covered in mosquito netting, with the caption, “Wicker Down with the Dengue”

I just don’t get it CDT

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Stevieslaw: Childhood’s Heroes

Posted on January 25, 2015 by stevieslaw

Ernie Banks, the Chicago Cub’s star from the 50’s and 60’s died Friday night. It took me back to the 50’s in New York City, when baseball was king. We had our choice of sports heroes in New York City, but mine was Mickey Mantle—the switch hitting center fielder for the Yankees. Even now, if I close my eyes and concentrate, I can see the shot he hit that nearly went out of Yankee Stadium—a prodigious feat.
I was a pretty poor baseball player. Now I play tennis and I’m not ashamed to admit that Roger Federer is my tennis hero. I worry about his ailing back in the same way I once worried about Mickey Mantle’s knees. Sure, I am 35 years older than Roger and unlikely to grow up to be as good, but it doesn’t seem to matter. That’s what so strange about watching the great ones play. Like it or not, I feel like a child again, with a child’s sense of wonder. I’m back in Brooklyn, back in front of a tiny black and white TV, back with the same feeling of invincibility, and with the certain knowledge that everything, everywhere, is going to work out just fine.

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Stevieslaw: The House Republicans Voted to Contest

Posted on January 23, 2015 by stevieslaw

Just today, our local newspaper, the CDT, published two articles on measures being considered by House Republicans. The first described an anti-abortion measure that had to be pulled because it was offensive to staunchly anti-abortion Republican women. The second was a push for yet another unenforceable immigration bill.
There seems to be no better theatre in America today than the action of the Republican led House. Now Stevieslaw is proud to announce a contest—in which we challenge you to be as insane as the House. House majority leader, John Boehner has agreed to judge the entries, which will require you to complete the statement: The House Republicans voted today to… Craziest proposal wins.
Competition figures to be insane as the push to find something far beyond the current “normalcy” of House proposals will be very difficult. Consider this: we took a stab at the contest by proposing, “The House Republicans voted today to cede California to Mexico as a way of arresting illegal immigration.” John B. judged that to be, by the standards of the current House, mildly eccentric.
The winner will be announced on Valentine’s Day. That lucky person will get the chance to cast the deciding vote on something of earthshattering importance, during the current year. How could it hurt?

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Stevieslaw: Warm in Here?

Posted on January 22, 2015 by stevieslaw

Senate Republicans today signed on to a growing acceptance by that august body that Earth’s living room window was broken. However, they refused to accept the theory that the baseball lying at the foot of the broken window was in any way responsible for the break. Wek Link, spokesperson for Senate Republicans, said, “People may advance the theory that my younger brother, House, or I had some responsibility for this act. And since we represent the people, that’s equivalent to saying all of us were in some way guilty of heaving the baseball. Not us!”
“Did you see the size of that window,” continued Link. “No one I know is strong enough to break a window that big.”
Link went on to blame the accidental break on the “Bossa Nova,” which we suppose is as good as anything.

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