Stevieslaw: Cops of the World

Posted on February 23, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Cops of the World
While perusing the headlines in the New York Times this morning, Phil Ochs tapped me on the shoulder and smiled. Phil’s been dead for years, so that was a little eerie, but I think his smile was trying to tell me something. Phil was a protest singer in the ‘60’s, along with the likes of Tom Paxton, Eric Andersen, and Pat Sky*. Phil was a big deal back in the day. I heard him perform twice at Carnegie Hall in New York City. One of the songs he sang there in 1966 was “Cops of the World.” Here’s the first stanza and chorus:

Phil Ochs
Come, get out of the way, boys
Quick, get out of the way
You’d better watch what you say, boys
Better watch what you say
We’ve rammed in your harbor and tied to your port
And our pistols are hungry and our tempers are short
So bring your daughters around to the port
‘Cause we’re the Cops of the World, boys
We’re the Cops of the World.

And while the individual stanzas are dated, it wouldn’t be that hard to write ten or twenty new ones that brought us up to today. Because the truth of the matter is the subject of the song still applies. Maybe that was what Phil was trying to tell me with his smile. It’s coming up on the 50 year anniversary of the song. That’s a long time to be a cop on the beat. I don’t think any police force in the country would allow you to work that long. Maybe it’s time to retire. Time to buy a little cottage in Havana and take up deep sea fishing.
*Tom Lehrer does a great parody of the breed

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Stevieslaw: Welcome to Walmart

Posted on February 20, 2015 by stevieslaw

At Stevieslaw, we are certainly happy to hear that Walmart will be raising the wages of their 500,000 most poorly paid employees. The increase will certainly not bring these workers to a livable wage—but every little bit helps. Right?
It is the philosophy behind the increase that was revelatory. Walmart CEO, Doug McMillan, acknowledged for the first time ever that corporate profits might be tied to the welfare of its employees. Wow! Doug seems to be saying that maximizing the bottom line may not be achieved just by reducing your employee costs to next to nothing. Perhaps, customer satisfaction might be improved if your store is not staffed by too few employees with too many worries to care about selling stuff, restocking or cleaning up. And, satisfied customers spend more money. Who would have guessed it?
We are afraid that proper staffing of the local Walmart will play havoc with one of our favorite winter games. In the game, three couples are simultaneously flung into the local Walmart, through three separate entrances, with instructions to find three odd items, take them to an open checkout line, and complete a purchase. As you know, Walmart stores are basically barns filled with rows and rows of trinkets. Many departments have not seen a salesperson since before the war (your choice). Apart from electronics, where the fear of shoplifting demands staffing, finding a salesperson in the store is a truly rare and random event. And that staff person is more than likely to send you off in the wrong direction. Last week, we tried to find a gray button, a yo-yo, and a three-hole punch. Two of the couples are still searching.

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Stevieslaw: Kochpromise-Executive Briefs

Posted on February 19, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Kochpromise—Executive Briefs
Koch Brothers spokesperson, C.A. Peeples, said today that “talk of the Brothers renaming the White House, Koch Industries East, after they buy it in the 2016 election, is premature. The Koch’s have spent a great deal of time with their architects and believe it may be possible to simply add a small addition to the building—a Koch wing, he said with a grin, in which the brothers can reside when they come to the capital to do the people’s work.” C.A. assured Smokey Diamond that Koch Industry’s fellow citizens would be informed as soon as a decision is made.
In a related development, future presidential candidate, Jeb Bush, told those assembled at the Chicago Council on Global Affairs that he was his own man. He noted that every president “inherits a changing world and changing circumstances.” He went on to assure the crowd that the only recognizable similarity between his presidency and those of the George’s Bush, would be the obvious need to include Dick Cheney in a Jeb administration. Cheney served as Secretary of Defense under George H.W. Bush and as Vice-President under George W. Bush. Jeb went on to say that Cheney would make a heck of a choice for either Secretary of Health and Human Welfare or Head of the Environmental Protection Agency. “It’s up to the Koch brothers to make the call,” he confided.

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Stevieslaw: Teach Your Toddlers Well

Posted on February 18, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Teach your toddlers well
Christopher Rugaber, writing for The Associated Press, reported that younger Americans, saddled with student debt, are not stepping up to buy homes. The total amount owed by students is roughly 1.2 trillion dollars. Yes. Trillion.
That is not what is bothering, Dr. Yule Owme, spokesperson for the Student Loan Consortium. What is bothering Dr. Owme is the future of his industry. “It’s hard to plan for the future, he said, when the current financial considerations of young people are colored by the accumulated wealth of parents and grandparents.” “The older generation benefited from unions, pensions and savings in a way that will not be repeated for their offspring” he continued. “For example,” he went on, “When cash strapped young marrieds with enormous student loan burdens are faced with pre-school costs for their youngsters, they can currently turn to their parents or grandparents for financial help.”
“The coming generations will arrive at retirement dead broke,” he said with a smile. “Any money left them by their parents will be quickly squandered on cruises and coffees,” he chuckled.
“But listen carefully,” he said in a whisper, “Except for a group of Republicans in the House and Senate who believe that the only reason for taxes is to support yet another war, we all agree on the importance of preschool education.” “That is our industry’s new frontier. And since we will not be able to extract money from cash-starved young parents for much longer, we will need to offer pre-school loans to credit-worthy toddlers directly.”
“We all accept that there can be no greater civic duty than borrowing heavily and repaying with interest.” “With our government’s help, we believe we can instill this principle in toddlers before they have even mastered the art of crawling,” he concluded.

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Stevieslaw: E.T. rides in the rear

Posted on February 18, 2015 by stevieslaw

You might have gotten wind of the argument that erupted at the American Association for the Advancement of Science meeting in San Jose this week. The Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence Institute (SETI) has been listening for signals from other life forms for decades, with no results. Now, they are considering sending “coordinated and sustained” messages into space in the hope of attracting alien life forms.
Some scientists, including Stephen Hawking, think this might be a very bad idea, as the alien life form we contact might have teeth. “Only a society, sublimely confident of their superiority would risk this,” said Pendence Day, spokesperson for the naysayers.
Now, Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, has learned that certain conservative groups in Alabama have been trying to contact alien life forms for years. “We have been beaming up bible stories and country music,” said KK but not quite K spokesperson, Calle Hom. His Nannyness in Washington seems intent on conferring human rights on all sorts of “people.” We have long felt that sometime soon, we would have no one left to deprive of their rights as a citizen and as a human.” “The answer was obvious,” he continued. “Attract sub-human alien life forms to Alabama.”
“Suppose they attack you,” asked Smokey.
“You’re kidding, right.” said ET. “Wait,” he said, “You ain’t seen Bubba.” “Hey, Bubba”
Smokey returned home today with, so to speak, her tail between her legs. She saw Bubba. She also announced that she would no longer be taking assignments to the Confederate States.

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Stevieslaw: Without hope of redemption

Posted on February 17, 2015 by stevieslaw

The CDT does a Breakfast Briefing each morning. There are five or six or seven short articles reporting the news, before they weigh in on someone’s human interest or a right leaning article about the need for fracking the game lands. The first one today was, “FEMA seeks Sandy deals amid insurance lawsuits.” First, is there anyone who feels a need to read the article before accepting it is about charges that the insurance companies are attempting to deprive people, with Sandy related damage claims, of reimbursement by fraud or fine print? We didn’t think so. And, second, is there anyone out there who is not convinced that the insurance companies are guilty? No one? My. My.
In this cynical world, we so often associate occupations and their modifiers that a naked noun would seem oddly incoherent. A few simple examples are: Sports figures—tested positive, Banks—bailout, Corporations—greedy, Politicians—self-serving, Lawyers—yucky, and so on. Yet, there is something pure and refreshing in the special hatred we reserve for insurance companies. Is there an event so disturbing and tragic that they will act in the interest of something other than their bottom line?
The votes are in and unanimous. Three hundred million people say “no way.”
Guilty as charged.

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Stevieslaw: Robin Hood Misses Cut

Posted on February 14, 2015 by stevieslaw

Shaila Dewan reported in The New York Times today that, “of the 10 or so Republican governors who have proposed tax increases, nearly all have called for increases in consumption taxes (sales tax), which hit the poor and middle class harder than the rich.” Some of those governors have also proposed cuts to their state income tax, in a move to ensure that the rich never run out of spending money.
Welle Feds, a spokesperson for, Nikki Haley, the Governor of South Carolina, noted that, “the shift from income tax to sales tax has worked well in Kansas and North Carolina, where the enormous tax shortfalls and budget deficits will certainly put an end to the State’s over-involvement in education, public health and the environment. Moreover, it might have been proven again and again that when the rich benefit, the poor benefit as well—through increased jobs, opportunities and table scraps.”
In Kansas today, Governor Sam Brownback appointed a commission to consider the revision of many of the stories, myths and legends force fed to children that portray the rich and powerful in a manner that is frankly, “unfair and un-American.” “For example,” he said, “The unjust depiction of the Sheriff of Nottingham in the Robin Hood legend clearly contributes to the lack of respect shown law enforcement officers by elements of our society.” “These stories reek of “Europeanism,” and it is high time they are revised.”
Smokey Diamond, who contributed to this story, may be found at Anglers’ Rest, nursing a bourbon and warm milk.

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Stevieslaw: What’s Up Doc?

Posted on February 13, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: What’s Up Doc?
I had an appointment with my eye doctor this morning. I’m fine, just an elevated pressure in one eye that is responding to medication. I couldn’t help but notice, however, that the nurse who shepherded me from examination room to examination room had finally taken to wheeling my medical records behind her in a cart, rather than trying to carry them. There must have been twenty pounds of old eye exams—prescriptions, pressure readings, cataract surgery results—in a series of tired manila folders. In the waiting room, I took the time to notice that my file was not the largest to occupy the long wall behind the receptionist’s desk.
No. This is not a rant for computerized record keeping. The truth is that when the doctor came in he only needed to leaf briefly through my charts—more, I suspect because they were there than that he needed to. You see, I have been seeing my eye doctor for decades. He knows pretty much all there is to know about me. The same is true of my physician, my dentist, my financial advisor and my lawyer. One happy consequence of living in a small town is that we seem to grow with our support. The corollary is that all of these people are about my age and perhaps ready to exchange a stethoscope for a fishing rod and retire someplace where the winters aren’t so wearing.
That thought has been weighing on my mind. What if they all retire at the same time, leaving me with stacks of manila folders and a collection of 25 year olds who call me Mister and mangle my last name? According to my therapist, I am not paranoid, but it was disturbing that a brochure in her waiting room that advertised a retirement community in the Florida Keys was the same brochure that I saw in a stack of papers my dermatologist was carrying when he came in to burn a precancerous whatnot off my brow. Worse, just this morning, I thought I saw them all sharing a table at the Corner Room. Ha! If you want breakfast, you go to the Waffle Shop—they were attending a meeting. Was it a getting out of State College meeting?
I want you all to know that I am on to you. You won’t get rid of me easily. I am watching you and at the first sign of exodus, I will buy a Greyhound ticket and follow you down. And I suggest to all my friends of an age—you know who you are—that you’d better start watching your bunch of aging professionals as well.

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Stevieslaw: Eggses! he hissed. Eggses it is!

Posted on February 11, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Eggses! he hissed. Eggses it is!
My good friend, Wally, called this morning just after 7 and asked if I would meet him at WaffleWorld, a downtown breakfast place. I thought he might call. Wally hasn’t eaten an egg since the first warnings about dietary cholesterol appeared in 1961. That warning was removed today, with little more than a “never mind” by the nation’s top nutrition advisory panel. And since WaffleWorld advertises, “Eggs 37 ways,” I knew Wally would head there. The place was mobbed.
It was a pleasure to watch Wally scarf down eggs—fried and poached and shirred and over—combined with dozens of other high cholesterol foods—breakfast has always been best for cholesterol, but I was not prepared to face a thoroughly unhappy Smokey Diamond on my return.
“Who was the genius who added “science” after nutrition,” she growled?
“Nutrition Science, Nutrition Science.” she whined.
“We are trying to get a skeptical public to accept the science behind climate change and vaccinations, and these eggheads say they’ve been wrong for the past 40 something years,” she bemoaned.
“There are distinctions,” I offered.
“I know. But Joe Public doesn’t”
“Care to guess what the lead story on Fox News will be tonight,” she sighed, lowering her maw into a bowl of perfectly timed soft-boiled eggs.

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Stevieslaw: Time to Switch Banks?

Posted on February 10, 2015 by stevieslaw

Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, came back from her visit to the bank angered and dismayed today. Smokey has been working on a series of monoprints, which she calls paw-prints, and hopes to sell them at the local galleries and arts festivals. She recently learned that she will have to pay income tax on profits exceeding $400. It’s not the tax that bothers her, but the fact that she will need to fill out another 20 or 30 forms, and if she should make a mistake the IRS will certainly call.
Smokey learned by reading the CDT that the private Swiss Bank HSBC had helped some 100,000 people with assets totally more than 100 billion dollars avoid taxes and launder money. Many of the world’s leading dictators, arms dealers and power brokers are on the list. Armed with that story, Smokey asked at our local branch if she might speak to the vice-president for money laundering and tax evasion, only to be told that our bank had no such position.
Smokey, who is inclined to think of the have and have-nots as occupying two different worlds in any event, could only sputter, “Not only can the rich now get away with murder, but they can also write off the cost of their hired killers on their tax returns.”
In its defense, HSBC spokesperson, Blode Diamod, said, “This is ancient history—nearly 8 years have passed since we inadvertently overhelped our clients. We have since put new rules in place that may possibly prevent us from doing this sort of this again. Moreover, these rules will certainly make sure we are never detected again, which is pretty much the same thing.”

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