It blew in against the tide
with so little fanfare
that it startled the longshoremen,
who had taken to rust in the salt air.
The smiles of self-congratulation
rivalled the blaze of the rising sun.
“For patience and perseverance,”
said a hanger-on
who had practiced neither.
Tonight all along the long shore
The scritch of pencil on paper.
If a group, say the top 1% in wealth in the United State, has 10% of the wealth in 1969, 20% of the wealth in 2004, and is projected to have 50% of the wealth in 2016, how long will we continue to vote for its shills?
It was a visiably shaken Smokey Diamond that left Elizabeth Warren’s mansion in Cambridge this morning. She would only say, “there is no possibility that Cousin Myron will be the Warren’s Vice Presidential running mate in 2016.”
Later, we got the rest of the story from an anonymous source within the Warren campaign. “Sure, we like Cousin Myron’s politics– what liberal wouldn’t. But the man has a documented habit of tossing waiters and waitresses through plate glass windows, with only a tiny provocation. Why not just leave a bad tip? The man has quite a temper.
“But, I think that Warren is quite taken with Smokey. Elizabeth called her “brilliant in a furry sort of way.” There is no doubt about the chemistry between them and I feel that Smokey is quite high up on the short list for running mate.”
Our local newspaper, the Centre Daily Times, reported today that both NASA and NOAA agreed that 2014 was the warmest year on record. Here at Stevieslaw, we assume that if the CDT found a place for the article in spite of the big Paterno news, it must have appeared everywhere.
Armed with that information, our intrepid reporter Smokey Diamond, approached Coal Tech University climate denier, Icant C. Clearly, about the report. Dr. Icant is widely recognized as the author of the study that showed, through a random sampling of residents of Minot, ND, that an increase in temperature of a few degrees “might not be so bad.” Icant quickly went on the offensive, “Smokey, aren’t you at all surprised about the timing of this so-called research summary. If it weren’t for the liberal media’s insane desire to kill the Keystone Pipeline Project, would this even be news?” he asked.
Smokey had been particularly impressed by the fact that the 10 hottest years in NOAA records had been since 2000, and further by the statistical odds of it being coincidental coming in at some 650 million to 1. Clearly was not bothered by the statistics. “Those on the other side, who are well funded by liberal think tanks, would like us to believe that 650 million to 1 are long odds. The public understands that these odds are really about the same as the odds of winning the Powerball lottery (175 million to one), yet millions of Americans line up to buy tickets every week. “Americans are not fooled,” said Icant. “Week after week they put their money on the line and bet on lady luck.”
“Don’t worry about it, Smokey,” concluded Dr. Icant. “Mother Earth is just having a run of bad luck. Patience is the cure.”
Stevieslaw: NRA Briefs
Michigan Governor, Rick Snyder, vetoed a bill yesterday that would have allowed people “who faced restraining orders as a result of domestic violence or stalking allegations to obtain guns, as long as their orders didn’t specifically restrict their access to firearms.” The NRA quickly responded by pointing out that this was another example of national gun ban groups pushing their “extremist agenda.” NRA spokesperson, William Child, said that, “We were forced to hit him with our strongest rebuke–one that has rarely been used.” From this day on, Governor Snyder will be known as “sissy-man.”
Stevieslaw: Fracking News
The Pennsylvania Environmental Protection Agency released a report today that showed “little potential for direct radiation exposure to the public and workers.” Spokesperson, Petty Shor, said that “it will be a gosh-darn long time before folks begin to glow in the dark.” When pressed by our intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, about long term build-up in the environment, Mr. Shor would only say, “It is pretty silly to worry about that, since the data we need to test the hypothesis won’t be available until long after too late.”
Stevieslaw: I’m no…
Congressional Republicans announced today that they are expanding their highly successful, “I am no scientist,” campaign to include other disciplines and characteristics. “The need to expand came almost accidently,” said spokesperson, Myer Furst. “We were struggling with the article by Ricardo Alonso-Zaldivar (Associated Press) that appeared in most local newspapers today. The article seemed to imply that not only were more Americans getting the care they needed because of the cost reductions of the Affordable Care Act, but also that fewer of them had problems paying their bills—the first time this has happened since these statistics were first gathered in 2003/5. “
“A number of representatives piped up with, I am no statistician but these numbers don’t feel right,” said Furst. “And Bingo,” he said with a smile, “the need to expand the campaign became obvious.” “I’m no politician,” Myer continued, But I would expect to see more along these lines; for example, ”I’m no woman but,” or “I’m not black but,” or “I’m not gay but,” as a way of handling all sorts of counterintuitive facts.”
In a related story, House Republicans were buoyed by the news that millions and millions of illegal immigrants, many who were brought here as children, were already in line at border crossings with Mexico anxious to return to their birth countries. “I’m not Latino,” said Furst, “But it is clear that the no-nonsense, Republican message is already getting across.”
Here at Stevieslaw, we hate to see articles in our local newspaper about gun control, as it always signals another victory for the gun lobby and the NRA. Just today, there was a piece about new legislation in Pennsylvania forcing local municipalities to back off on some gun control rules they had recently instituted.
Still, we feel it is best to keep abreast of what the NRA is planning for our future freedom. To this end, we sent Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter into the heart of gun country to visit the NRA’s think tank and gun range, “Cracked Shot,” in Boise, ID. Smokey was fully encased in body armor and had undergone thorough training for her trip. She was taught, for example, to avoid eye contact and to signal her intentions clearly; for example, simply saying “I am going to scratch my nose now” instead of just doing it could save her a final trip home in a body bag.
Diet L.I.K. Dagga, NRA spokesperson, was more than happy to clue Smokey into future developments. “It’s simple,” he said, “Think drones. The NRA will be spending most of its research budget to investigate how laws across the nation have to change to accommodate the ability of the gun-toting public to own and operate drones. Issues such as “perceived threat at an extended distance,” and a host of stand your ground rules must be carefully examined and strengthened to protect our 2nd amendment rights.”
“The good news, Smokey, is that John Q. Public will soon have an air force. When you have to venture forth, you will be protected by a threat sensitive, fully armed armada of personal drones. That will make the bad guys back off—although probably not fast enough,” he concluded with a giggle.
“Now, why don’t you and I go down to the range and shoot something.”
Smokey Diamond is now wearing two hats, as she is retaining her position as chief correspondent for Stevieslaw while picking up the position of Spokesperson for the Myron for President Juggernaut.
“Cousin Myron,” she declared, “Is now searching high and low for a running mate. In contrast to the choices made by the Republican Party in recent years, she continued, The Coz’s running mate must be sane and have a sense of humor. Cousin Myron is most interested in presenting a balanced ticket, and for that reason will be picking a running mate from The Bronx. As you are all no doubt aware, Brooklyn and The Bronx are like two different countries—Bronx drivers are instantly lost in Brooklyn, as are Brooklyn drivers in The Bronx.”
Smokey said that the major problem she is having in vetting a Bronx running-mate is the language barrier, and she has been forced to hire a former Bronx resident as an interpreter. “Bronx English and Brooklyn English are very, very different,” she admitted, “And many would say neither language resembles English.”
When asked by Fox News correspondent, Donna Getit, if anyone in the United States will be able to understand what the candidates are saying, Smokey replied, “Did you hear Saintly Santorum speak about the other Republican candidates yesterday? We can only hope the man will start speaking in a Martian dialect.”
Michael Wines, of the New York Times, reported today that research has linked earthquakes outside of Youngstown to fracking near a fault in Ohio. Earthquakes, as a possible consequence of fracking and its related waste disposal, have also been reported in Texas and Colorado.
We have learned that Bill B.B. Drill, spokesperson for BigFrack, will respond tomorrow with a comment entitled, “Fracking, faults and infrastructure, the case for job creation.” Drill spoke today with Smokey Diamond, our not so intrepid reporter who has confined herself to life in interior rooms of single story brick buildings.” “Smokey,” said Dr. Drill, “People like to pretend that the initiation of these earthquakes is necessarily a bad thing. But let’s face it, for many of our cities our buildings, bridges and infrastructure are already crumbling. A few good size earthquakes, which I think we can obtain by using even higher pressures to dispose of waste products, will bring the whole structure down. Think of the amount of jobs that will create.”
“In fact, continued Bill Drill, we considered this just the tip of the iceberg1. We predict that cleaning up in the aftermath of widespread fracking will require a huge commitment of resources and will create an unimaginable number of good American jobs for decades to come.”
1.An expression destined to disappear from the language.
Stevie's Law 