My Mom’s Fallback Plan

Posted on July 21, 2011 by stevieslaw

It has been weeks since Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter at Stevieslaw, enjoyed a decent night’s sleep. Frankly, I have been worried as well. So, when Smokey came to the office this morning—all smiles— and clutching a copy of the New York Times, I knew that we would be celebrating this day with a couple of cups of some very good Kona coffee a friend had brought us. The good news is—and it is very good news indeed—that Wall Street has a fallback plan should the US Government default. Whew! We are saved. For as we all know and history has proven again and again, if the rich are amply taken care of all good things will come to us as well.
I was a bit surprised then when I spoke to my mother later. It turns out she has no fallback plan. My mom lives in South Florida, in a condo that has seen its best years. Hurricanes and the recession have reduced the value of her property to about nothing. She is 96 and she soldiers on. Mom lives on a social security check of about $1000 a month. She is on Medicare and occasionally she finds a doctor still taking it in Florida. She’s been on her own since my dad died about a dozen years ago and one of the things she’s proud of is her ability to make ends meet on that check. She is “entitled” to that astounding amount because my dad drove a fleet taxi around New York City for too many years while she worked at May’s Department Store in downtown Brooklyn. They travelled every day to their work from that garden spot of Brooklyn—Brownsville/East New York—where the living is easy. I know you Tea Party Patriots think my mom and people like her are just taking advantage—and how can you argue with that?
Me? I’m just shocked to learn that my mother has no fallback plan should her Social Security checks be delayed.
Do you?

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Grandma and Global Warming

Posted on July 17, 2011 by stevieslaw

Grandma and Global Warming
It was a bad day for Grampa and Grandma today, as reported in our local newspaper, the CDT. First, the CDT picked up an Associated Press article by Seewer and Mohajer that examined how state cuts in Medicaid services for Home health care—which the states might be able to afford—are being cut, so that more and more seniors will be forced into Nursing Homes—which almost no one can afford. Home health benefits are easy to cut because they are not mandated by Federal law and the cash strapped states will do that rather than tax (A RESPECTFUL HUSH PLEASE) the job creators. A a consequence of this, the states will have to pay much more, but not until much later—say November.
G and G were then treated to a truly inane article by David Brooks entitled, “Fiscal crisis driven by inability to face death” in which he argues, by cherry picking the available data, that medicine is doing nothing much to extend life or to provide a less awful death, and people (and as a consequence the nation) —would be better off not taking their medicine. The good news is that we could retain the pain part of dying, as opposed to say promoting assisted suicide, as the pain part is most important to social conservatives.
Logically, this brings us to the problem of global warming—which the right wing in Congress is finally beginning to worry about. After all, their fallback plan for dealing with the aged was to transport them to an iceberg and leave them. In fact, they envisioned that the private “transport to the iceberg industry” would be booming as of 2020. Studies of how many gramps and grannies can be squeezed into a 747—based on the recent experience of the airlines—were already underway. Now, they’ve discovered the ice may not be there when they need it most. Who knew? It makes you feel sort of sorry for them, doesn’t it? It’s not easy being anti-green.

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Stevieslawexclusive: Hurry. Send Murray a Birthday Card

Posted on July 14, 2011 by stevieslaw

Murray Slepp and I go back a long way. He lived around the corner from me on Amboy Street, when we were growing up. His sister Mildred and I were an item when she was six and I was five, according to the local gossips. By the time she was seven, we couldn’t stand each other. It’s funny what some people think is cute.
Murray will be sixty three on August 1st. At Stevieslaw, we will be throwing him a big bash. On August 3rd, Murray will be the guy at Treasury who decides who gets paid and who gets stiffed should the government default.
Expecting a check? Send Murray Slepp a birthday card. He likes the ones that play a song when you open them and he has always been partial to Sinatra. We are not saying that Murray can help or that he is your last, best hope, but send him a card—make sure your address and social security number are clearly written on the envelope. How could it hurt?

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Rebranding Pennsylvania

Posted on July 12, 2011 by stevieslaw

We have just learned that the Pennsylvania Fish and Boat Commission will be leasing land and water rights to the Marcellus Shale drillers. The money will go toward a shortfall of some 36 million dollars needed to repair 16 dams in serious condition. The money could not be raised by taxing the Shale drillers, according to Tom Corbett and the Republican led State and House in PA, because as Tom C. so artfully put it, “It will scare away the fish.”
John Arway, executive director of PFBC, put it another way to Smokey Diamond—our intrepid reporter. “It’s a question of efficiency,” he said. “Not only will you be able to catch fish in what’s left of our waterways, but you will also be able to cook them, on site, over any of the natural gas fireplaces which are a likely result of the Marcellus Shale drilling. “You might even be able to cook them right in the water,” joked Johnny
In a more serious matter, Smokey has learned that the State Legislature is considering changing the name of Pennsylvania to Shale. Jean Shephard, spokesperson for the legislature, explained that only 7 out of 10 PA high school graduates can currently spell Pennsylvania, and with the loss of billions and billions of education dollars, projections suggest that only one or two out of a hundred of our graduates will be able to spell Pennsylvania in 10 years. “Shale, with its sh sound, a long a, single l and simple e ending, will be much easier to spell,” he noted. “We are hopful that the Marcellus Shale drillers will consent to lease us the name.”

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Stevieslaw: My article in the July/Aug Issues of Voices of Central Pa.

Posted on July 5, 2011 by stevieslaw

The LAG Energy Primer

For those many Americans who don’t know how to match-light a nuclear reactor or which way a wind turbine blade is supposed to spin or even how to cool their home geothermally, Stevieslaw introduces the Less-Intelligent-than-Average American Guide (LAG) to understanding energy.  In the guide, Smokey Diamond our intrepid reporter and energy expert will introduce the various forms of energy and walk you through how they work. Also included as part of the guide is the Not-on-my-Block, Inc. (NOMB) rating for each energy source— values that range from “no way, no how” all the way to “over my dead body.” And as a special bonus, you will get a chart giving the efficiency of each energy source in kilocalories per teaspoon—numbers, while not meant to be either factually accurate or useful, will drive the Weiners at your Cocktail parties green with envy.

We will introduce you to:

1.     Things that Burn: Sod, wood, coal, oil, gas and litter.  Most power plants in the United State currently generate electricity by burning something, and apparently will until they run out of everything flammable. In the guide, we will explain how the coal, gas, or oil is extracted from the earth and transported to power plants around the country.  We will illustrate how this extraction and transport is ruining your health, appearance and happiness and why there is not a thing you can do about it.  And, while we’ve got you down, we will carefully explain how the by-products of all this burning—mostly carbon dioxide— are changing the climate and raising the temperature of the planet by about a degree a day.  Supplemental material will include a brief lecture by Lenny—the Rabbi of Canarsie—entitled: Why is there so much oil in the Middle East—or living with a god with an odd sense of humor.

2.     Things that sometimes go boom:  You say fission, I say fusion: you say fusion, I say fission—let’s call the whole thing off.  We will tell you all about fission—the splitting of atoms to produce either energy or the atom bomb—depending mostly on whether or not the name of the month of production ends in a “y.” We will help explain how nuclear fission was the way of the future until engineers found themselves often having to modify the statement, “That could never happen at…”  We will also teach you how to say nuclear waste and shudder.  We will discuss the ideas for dealing with nuclear waste as soon as someone has one.  We will also teach you about fusion—the smashing of two atoms together to make one atom and water, or a hydrogen bomb.  Fusion truly is the energy of the past, present and future on the sun, although it doesn’t look like it is possible to do on the earth.  A recent and nameless Ph.D. in nuclear physics from Yale, who is totally unemployable, will lecture on “Cold Fusion,” while Judy Collins sings Dreaming, no it’s not the same as lies,” in the background.  Cold Fusion kits—every bit as useful as those in the fancy energy labs—are available for $19.97 only to buyers of the LA Guide.

3.       Things more expensive than useful: You will learn all about alternative energy sources— wind and water turbines, solar cells, hydrogen cells, geothermal and others.  Please note that this is information only obtainable in the LA-guide and perhaps on PBS on some random Wednesday morning when you had planned to do something else.  You will learn how subsidies to the oil industry—needed to prevent them from turning to something even more profitable, like turning lead to gold—will make alternative energy too expensive, for all but oil executives—until cows fly or politicians stop needing campaign contributions.  To show your heart is in the right place, however, you can put the exclusive LAG bumper sticker, “I Need Green to Go Green” on your gas guzzler.

 

4.     The future of energy: You will learn about the best bets in future energy sources—those just over the horizon, such as  mining the moon and mars, using string theory to connect with an energy rich alternate universe, and harnessing the power of positive thinking.  We present interviews with researchers, currently funded by the DOE, who are working on topics as diverse as “Capturing and Reusing the Power of Political Babble” and “Mosquito Sweat for Energy Independence.”

 

Order your LA guide today.  The deluxe edition is shaped like a log and contains a minimum of 2 billion kilocalories per teaspoon, a meaningless number which might even be enough to power your house and car for a decade.

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Stevieslaw: Cousin Myron Hears Tales of Woe

Posted on July 4, 2011 by stevieslaw

I felt it was significant that I heard the news first from Myrna—Myron’s long suffering wife.  You’ve all met Myron before—idiot savant, math whizz, accounting superstar and wealthy beyond all reason, thanks to his ability to pick the winning ponies. Myrna told me what all of us had known for quite a while.  Myron had been to see an audiologist and found out he couldn’t hear.  I figured Myron, who hadn’t called, was suffering with the news that he needed a hearing aid.  I met him down at his bridge club in Canarsie.  He just started playing bridge and has already amassed some 5 or 6 hundred Masters points, or whatever they call it when you win.  The other players are talking about taking up chess.

I asked if he was okay about needing hearing aids.

“Of course, I am you wuss” he said with his usual charm.  “The hearing aids are going to make things better—or so I thought.” “It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even enjoy the latest gang gang dance album—Eye Contact.

“Since it leaked at the club that I needed them, I’ve gotten unsolicited advice from each of our four hundred members, many of whom need hearing aids” he continued.  “The only thing they agree on is that they stink.”  “Forty-one percent are sure that no one they know actually wears them—preferring to keep them in a draw, thirty-nine percent have them, occasionally wear them and swear they can no longer stand to hear themselves speak, and twenty-seven percent won’t wear them because they make them look goofy—as if they needed help.  One poor guy couldn’t figure out how to change his batteries.” 

“That’s more than 100%,” I pointed out kindly. 

“Some are in more than one category,” he snarled.  “I can’t hear.” “My ability to add is not a problem.”

“Yesterday, I was on the subway reading the hearing aid literature when a woman I had never met sat next to me and spent the next 45 minutes telling me—in great detail—how hearing aids ruined her husband’s life,”  he said. “It started with him hearing everyone— even those blocks away—breathing, and ended with him hearing conversations among alien beings on Saturn.”  “He’s in a funny farm now, upstate, and all because of his hearing aids.

“What did you say,” I asked.

“What could I say,” he mused.  “I thanked her and reminded myself that I have enough money to spring for a cab into the city.”

Myron called last week and I met him for lunch at our not-to-be-named deli somewhere in Queens that specializes in lean corned beef.  Sure enough he was wearing hearing aids.  I was surprised to see he had a large ones that completed blocked the ear canal.

“How are they,” I asked.

“Great,” Myron said. “I can actually understand the waiter.

“Why the large and obvious ones” I had the nerve to ask.

“They have this amazing feature,” he replied.  “I press this switch and I can’t hear anything  at all,” he said with a smile.  “Now, I’m safe on the subway, at the bridge club, and sometimes even at home.”

With that, Myron pressed the switch and got down to the serious business of lunch.

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Dumbest Editorial of the Month Contest off to a Great Start

Posted on July 2, 2011 by stevieslaw

My old friend MikeK was not only a firm believer in his right to be anywhere, anytime but also believed that his right to move his mouth to emit sounds was protected by the Constitution.  Where we grew up in the Brownsville/East New York section of Brooklyn, his beliefs guaranteed a short but painful life.  You want an example? When we were in High School, we played a really poor Boy’s High football team away.  We had a great team and the score at the end of the half was like 52-0 and three of their best players had already been carried off.  Boy’s High had the reputation of providing vocational training for prison, so when Mike suggested we stroll over to their side of the field to the only refreshment stand, he got no takers.  Most of us were, frankly, planning our emergency route home—planning to skip out silently some time in the middle of the third quarter.  Surprisingly, a bunch of Boy’s High fans beat the stuffing out of Mike and took his money.  Who knew? 

So what did I take away from this? That it is unwise to travel some distance with a chip on your shoulder to a place you shouldn’t be in the first place.  And, you don’t really want to fight with people who are certifiably crazy—no matter why they are crazy.  This all was reinforced by my country’s intervention in Vietnam.

So when Trudy Rubin, writing for the Philadelphia Inquirer, worries about the signals we are sending the Taliban by withdrawing out troops more quickly than we had initially let on we would, I have to imagine she is going to be hard to beat for Dumbest Editorial of the Month of July contest.  I know I’m sticking my neck out here—it is only July 2nd, but I think we have a winner.

I could go on and on about this—about how we shouldn’t have been there in the first place, looking for Bin Laden who was at the time in a house in Pakistan we were probably paying for.  But worrying about sending the wrong signals to the Taliban—a group of men so crazy they think that their religion not only justifies the killing of foreigners, but exalts it.  So, as I see it, we’ve gone to a place 10,000 miles away with a chip on our shoulder to fight really, really crazy people who live there and will continue to live there no matter when we leave.  And now we are going to worry about sending and receiving signals from crazy people, while 100,000 or so our young people are in harm’s way.  Good job, Trudy.

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Stevieslaw: Give Me That Old Time…Larceny

Posted on July 1, 2011 by stevieslaw

The Associated Press reports today that Standard and Poor’s will give the United States its lowest credit rating should congress fail to raise the borrowing limit—putting us in the same category as say Albania, Angola and Cameroon.  A calamity? Not to worry, the Senate is on it (the House is thankfully on recess).  Of course, there is the fact that some Republican members of Congress don’t believe that defaulting would be a big deal.  They are part of the Republican “don’t believe club.” They don’t believe in evolution or global warming either—demanding evidence while brushing aside the actual evidence.  Belief or non-belief is the new reality for many in Congress—as if governing from inside a Disney cartoon.

Smokey Diamond and I, while firmly believing nothing bad can ever happen, have decided to pool the very limited resources the Too Big To Fail gang left us by mistake (heads will roll) and invest in a lump of gold or platinum.  We understand very well that the corporate marauders will come for this nest egg as well—as soon as they’ve accumulated all the money they possibly can—with the help of the “don’t believe club—by moving it around on computer spread sheets.  It’s just that when they decide to steal our last remaining nest egg they will have to send two guys named Sal, dressed all in black, eyes only peeping through their ski masks, in the dead of night, with a crow bar for entry and revolvers for back up.  In this age, there is something refreshing in being pillaged in that way.  It’s something Smokey and I can believe in.

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Stevieslaw: New Rule for Nobel Prize

Posted on June 30, 2011 by stevieslaw

King Gustav of Sweden announced today a new rule for the Nobel Peace Prize award.  The Nobel Committee will award the prize only to those dead for at least 50 years.  A formal death certificate will be required.

His Highness, Carl, when asked if the new rule was in response to the actions of the American President, Barack Obama, who despite the peace prize has continued wars in Iraq and Pakghanistan, engaged in a war in Libya, and used drones to bomb targets in Somalia, Yemen and a small country without a name somewhere in Africa or Asia, would only say, “who knew?”

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Stevieslaw: No Poll Tax This Year.

Posted on June 21, 2011 by stevieslaw

Pennsylvania House Republicans, certain of passing a bill demanding photo id from all voters, conceded today that they would not be able to push through Poll Taxes and literacy tests as part of their new voting rights push.  As you may recall, the photo id law targets the kind of large scale voter fraud that never happens.  A spokesperson for Daryl Metcalfe, the sponsor of the voter id bill, said of a poll tax, “it is certainly worth studying.”  “Poll taxes and various literacy tests were the law of the land in many states not that long ago, and when properly modified could be made to work here as well.”

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