StevieslawExclusive: Save This Date

Posted on August 16, 2011 by stevieslaw

Latest opinion polls suggest that 6.2% of the population approves of the performance of the current legislators. Most pollsters will tell you that the percent of people who do not understand even the simplest questions is roughly 6.3%. Those people invariably answer yes, as they believe it makes them seem more likeable.
At Stevieslaw, we have learned that our elected officials are preparing a bold stroke to turn those numbers around. Congress will soon announce that Sunday, August 21th, is to be declared “Celebrate Those Who Legislate Day.” Legislators will provide hot dogs and lemonade for the masses at churches, county fairs, and stadiums using money recently cut from social programs. At some locations, flag pins may be available. The highlight of the day will no doubt be the stump speeches, delivered by each of the representatives, in which they will focus on their sincere and unique love for America. In fact, it is likely that sincerity will ooze from their very pores.
We are pumped and we believe our friends and neighbors will be as well. What a great way to unify the country, to bring smiles to the faces of the populace and to stimulate the economy. Smokey Diamond has already bought two dozen eggs, a dozen large heirloom tomatoes and a “YOU SUCK BIG TIME,” sign in bright purple. The eggs and tomatoes have been lovingly placed in a sunny location. Our neighbors are certain to buy produce, water guns and balloons and paintball guns. What fun!
See you on Sunday.

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Sleep Deprivation and the Radical Right

Posted on July 28, 2011 by stevieslaw

Even with their endless rounds of pronouncements, “Catch-22 style “ loyalty oath signings and non-constructive posturing on the debt ceiling—that threatens through interest rate increases the existence of the tottering middle class—House Republicans are still finding time to gut environmental regulations, as reported in the New York Times yesterday. At Stevieslaw, where dreams of long naps occupy even our most productive hours, we can only ask in awe—When do these people sleep?
Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, was down in DC this morning to speak with Babbsy Boat, spokesperson for “Hush Little Baby,” a liberal think tank that believes that they have a solution to the problem that Republican sleep-deprivation is causing. “Rather than follow the President’s advice and call your Representative to demand this or that,” said Babbs, “We recommend that you call your local Republican representative and sing him a lullaby.” “In our view, we will never end the lunacy that wide-awake Tea Partiers are bringing to our country.” “Our only hope is to get them to sleep until their terms are up.” “Think Rip Van Winkle and croon, croon, croon,” she concluded as she drifted off to sleep.

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Is the Media Up to the Challenge?

Posted on July 27, 2011 by stevieslaw

With the two competing bills in Congress designed to end the “Great Default Debacle” doomed to failure even if one passes the House and the other the Senate, we, at Stevieslaw, are forced to ask the only sensible question: Can the media make these votes even remotely interesting? Both cable and network TV are planning to cover the voting with hordes of talking heads and the screen pyrotechnics left over from the 2008 presidential election. Even the print media has stopped printing multi-column personality analyses of that raving maniac in Norway to concentrate on what is sure to be a completely meaningless vote. If you watch, you can be sure that when Joe Smith from Wyoming votes for or against one or the other of these useless bills you will see his smiling face against a map of his great state along with the latest public opinion polls, which will provide you with great detail about what an uninformed public is thinking—some of which may even vaguely related to the issue at hand.
Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter and statistics whizz, will be compiling the truly important figures instead. He will monitor the ratings of the TV news shows, in nearly real time, by logging on to ratingsblog.com, to see who is winning or losing the battle. Early money is on Fox. Their behind the scenes promotion of a pledge of “no new taxes even if it forces the end of the world”—has rallied the social conservatives—many of whom spend their entire adult lives longing for exactly that. They will flock to Fox. On the other hand, MSNBC’s “Trotsky Look Alike,” contest to promote taxing the rich, has not been doing nearly as well, perhaps because the winner will be forced to spend two weeks in the former Soviet Union—mostly in Siberia.
Don’t waste your time watching the vote. Log on to Stevieslaw early and often. We will provide you with the all important media ratings as soon as we get around to it.

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My Mom’s Fallback Plan

Posted on July 21, 2011 by stevieslaw

It has been weeks since Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter at Stevieslaw, enjoyed a decent night’s sleep. Frankly, I have been worried as well. So, when Smokey came to the office this morning—all smiles— and clutching a copy of the New York Times, I knew that we would be celebrating this day with a couple of cups of some very good Kona coffee a friend had brought us. The good news is—and it is very good news indeed—that Wall Street has a fallback plan should the US Government default. Whew! We are saved. For as we all know and history has proven again and again, if the rich are amply taken care of all good things will come to us as well.
I was a bit surprised then when I spoke to my mother later. It turns out she has no fallback plan. My mom lives in South Florida, in a condo that has seen its best years. Hurricanes and the recession have reduced the value of her property to about nothing. She is 96 and she soldiers on. Mom lives on a social security check of about $1000 a month. She is on Medicare and occasionally she finds a doctor still taking it in Florida. She’s been on her own since my dad died about a dozen years ago and one of the things she’s proud of is her ability to make ends meet on that check. She is “entitled” to that astounding amount because my dad drove a fleet taxi around New York City for too many years while she worked at May’s Department Store in downtown Brooklyn. They travelled every day to their work from that garden spot of Brooklyn—Brownsville/East New York—where the living is easy. I know you Tea Party Patriots think my mom and people like her are just taking advantage—and how can you argue with that?
Me? I’m just shocked to learn that my mother has no fallback plan should her Social Security checks be delayed.
Do you?

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Grandma and Global Warming

Posted on July 17, 2011 by stevieslaw

Grandma and Global Warming
It was a bad day for Grampa and Grandma today, as reported in our local newspaper, the CDT. First, the CDT picked up an Associated Press article by Seewer and Mohajer that examined how state cuts in Medicaid services for Home health care—which the states might be able to afford—are being cut, so that more and more seniors will be forced into Nursing Homes—which almost no one can afford. Home health benefits are easy to cut because they are not mandated by Federal law and the cash strapped states will do that rather than tax (A RESPECTFUL HUSH PLEASE) the job creators. A a consequence of this, the states will have to pay much more, but not until much later—say November.
G and G were then treated to a truly inane article by David Brooks entitled, “Fiscal crisis driven by inability to face death” in which he argues, by cherry picking the available data, that medicine is doing nothing much to extend life or to provide a less awful death, and people (and as a consequence the nation) —would be better off not taking their medicine. The good news is that we could retain the pain part of dying, as opposed to say promoting assisted suicide, as the pain part is most important to social conservatives.
Logically, this brings us to the problem of global warming—which the right wing in Congress is finally beginning to worry about. After all, their fallback plan for dealing with the aged was to transport them to an iceberg and leave them. In fact, they envisioned that the private “transport to the iceberg industry” would be booming as of 2020. Studies of how many gramps and grannies can be squeezed into a 747—based on the recent experience of the airlines—were already underway. Now, they’ve discovered the ice may not be there when they need it most. Who knew? It makes you feel sort of sorry for them, doesn’t it? It’s not easy being anti-green.

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Stevieslawexclusive: Hurry. Send Murray a Birthday Card

Posted on July 14, 2011 by stevieslaw

Murray Slepp and I go back a long way. He lived around the corner from me on Amboy Street, when we were growing up. His sister Mildred and I were an item when she was six and I was five, according to the local gossips. By the time she was seven, we couldn’t stand each other. It’s funny what some people think is cute.
Murray will be sixty three on August 1st. At Stevieslaw, we will be throwing him a big bash. On August 3rd, Murray will be the guy at Treasury who decides who gets paid and who gets stiffed should the government default.
Expecting a check? Send Murray Slepp a birthday card. He likes the ones that play a song when you open them and he has always been partial to Sinatra. We are not saying that Murray can help or that he is your last, best hope, but send him a card—make sure your address and social security number are clearly written on the envelope. How could it hurt?

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Rebranding Pennsylvania

Posted on July 12, 2011 by stevieslaw

We have just learned that the Pennsylvania Fish and Boat Commission will be leasing land and water rights to the Marcellus Shale drillers. The money will go toward a shortfall of some 36 million dollars needed to repair 16 dams in serious condition. The money could not be raised by taxing the Shale drillers, according to Tom Corbett and the Republican led State and House in PA, because as Tom C. so artfully put it, “It will scare away the fish.”
John Arway, executive director of PFBC, put it another way to Smokey Diamond—our intrepid reporter. “It’s a question of efficiency,” he said. “Not only will you be able to catch fish in what’s left of our waterways, but you will also be able to cook them, on site, over any of the natural gas fireplaces which are a likely result of the Marcellus Shale drilling. “You might even be able to cook them right in the water,” joked Johnny
In a more serious matter, Smokey has learned that the State Legislature is considering changing the name of Pennsylvania to Shale. Jean Shephard, spokesperson for the legislature, explained that only 7 out of 10 PA high school graduates can currently spell Pennsylvania, and with the loss of billions and billions of education dollars, projections suggest that only one or two out of a hundred of our graduates will be able to spell Pennsylvania in 10 years. “Shale, with its sh sound, a long a, single l and simple e ending, will be much easier to spell,” he noted. “We are hopful that the Marcellus Shale drillers will consent to lease us the name.”

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Stevieslaw: My article in the July/Aug Issues of Voices of Central Pa.

Posted on July 5, 2011 by stevieslaw

The LAG Energy Primer

For those many Americans who don’t know how to match-light a nuclear reactor or which way a wind turbine blade is supposed to spin or even how to cool their home geothermally, Stevieslaw introduces the Less-Intelligent-than-Average American Guide (LAG) to understanding energy.  In the guide, Smokey Diamond our intrepid reporter and energy expert will introduce the various forms of energy and walk you through how they work. Also included as part of the guide is the Not-on-my-Block, Inc. (NOMB) rating for each energy source— values that range from “no way, no how” all the way to “over my dead body.” And as a special bonus, you will get a chart giving the efficiency of each energy source in kilocalories per teaspoon—numbers, while not meant to be either factually accurate or useful, will drive the Weiners at your Cocktail parties green with envy.

We will introduce you to:

1.     Things that Burn: Sod, wood, coal, oil, gas and litter.  Most power plants in the United State currently generate electricity by burning something, and apparently will until they run out of everything flammable. In the guide, we will explain how the coal, gas, or oil is extracted from the earth and transported to power plants around the country.  We will illustrate how this extraction and transport is ruining your health, appearance and happiness and why there is not a thing you can do about it.  And, while we’ve got you down, we will carefully explain how the by-products of all this burning—mostly carbon dioxide— are changing the climate and raising the temperature of the planet by about a degree a day.  Supplemental material will include a brief lecture by Lenny—the Rabbi of Canarsie—entitled: Why is there so much oil in the Middle East—or living with a god with an odd sense of humor.

2.     Things that sometimes go boom:  You say fission, I say fusion: you say fusion, I say fission—let’s call the whole thing off.  We will tell you all about fission—the splitting of atoms to produce either energy or the atom bomb—depending mostly on whether or not the name of the month of production ends in a “y.” We will help explain how nuclear fission was the way of the future until engineers found themselves often having to modify the statement, “That could never happen at…”  We will also teach you how to say nuclear waste and shudder.  We will discuss the ideas for dealing with nuclear waste as soon as someone has one.  We will also teach you about fusion—the smashing of two atoms together to make one atom and water, or a hydrogen bomb.  Fusion truly is the energy of the past, present and future on the sun, although it doesn’t look like it is possible to do on the earth.  A recent and nameless Ph.D. in nuclear physics from Yale, who is totally unemployable, will lecture on “Cold Fusion,” while Judy Collins sings Dreaming, no it’s not the same as lies,” in the background.  Cold Fusion kits—every bit as useful as those in the fancy energy labs—are available for $19.97 only to buyers of the LA Guide.

3.       Things more expensive than useful: You will learn all about alternative energy sources— wind and water turbines, solar cells, hydrogen cells, geothermal and others.  Please note that this is information only obtainable in the LA-guide and perhaps on PBS on some random Wednesday morning when you had planned to do something else.  You will learn how subsidies to the oil industry—needed to prevent them from turning to something even more profitable, like turning lead to gold—will make alternative energy too expensive, for all but oil executives—until cows fly or politicians stop needing campaign contributions.  To show your heart is in the right place, however, you can put the exclusive LAG bumper sticker, “I Need Green to Go Green” on your gas guzzler.

 

4.     The future of energy: You will learn about the best bets in future energy sources—those just over the horizon, such as  mining the moon and mars, using string theory to connect with an energy rich alternate universe, and harnessing the power of positive thinking.  We present interviews with researchers, currently funded by the DOE, who are working on topics as diverse as “Capturing and Reusing the Power of Political Babble” and “Mosquito Sweat for Energy Independence.”

 

Order your LA guide today.  The deluxe edition is shaped like a log and contains a minimum of 2 billion kilocalories per teaspoon, a meaningless number which might even be enough to power your house and car for a decade.

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Stevieslaw: Cousin Myron Hears Tales of Woe

Posted on July 4, 2011 by stevieslaw

I felt it was significant that I heard the news first from Myrna—Myron’s long suffering wife.  You’ve all met Myron before—idiot savant, math whizz, accounting superstar and wealthy beyond all reason, thanks to his ability to pick the winning ponies. Myrna told me what all of us had known for quite a while.  Myron had been to see an audiologist and found out he couldn’t hear.  I figured Myron, who hadn’t called, was suffering with the news that he needed a hearing aid.  I met him down at his bridge club in Canarsie.  He just started playing bridge and has already amassed some 5 or 6 hundred Masters points, or whatever they call it when you win.  The other players are talking about taking up chess.

I asked if he was okay about needing hearing aids.

“Of course, I am you wuss” he said with his usual charm.  “The hearing aids are going to make things better—or so I thought.” “It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even enjoy the latest gang gang dance album—Eye Contact.

“Since it leaked at the club that I needed them, I’ve gotten unsolicited advice from each of our four hundred members, many of whom need hearing aids” he continued.  “The only thing they agree on is that they stink.”  “Forty-one percent are sure that no one they know actually wears them—preferring to keep them in a draw, thirty-nine percent have them, occasionally wear them and swear they can no longer stand to hear themselves speak, and twenty-seven percent won’t wear them because they make them look goofy—as if they needed help.  One poor guy couldn’t figure out how to change his batteries.” 

“That’s more than 100%,” I pointed out kindly. 

“Some are in more than one category,” he snarled.  “I can’t hear.” “My ability to add is not a problem.”

“Yesterday, I was on the subway reading the hearing aid literature when a woman I had never met sat next to me and spent the next 45 minutes telling me—in great detail—how hearing aids ruined her husband’s life,”  he said. “It started with him hearing everyone— even those blocks away—breathing, and ended with him hearing conversations among alien beings on Saturn.”  “He’s in a funny farm now, upstate, and all because of his hearing aids.

“What did you say,” I asked.

“What could I say,” he mused.  “I thanked her and reminded myself that I have enough money to spring for a cab into the city.”

Myron called last week and I met him for lunch at our not-to-be-named deli somewhere in Queens that specializes in lean corned beef.  Sure enough he was wearing hearing aids.  I was surprised to see he had a large ones that completed blocked the ear canal.

“How are they,” I asked.

“Great,” Myron said. “I can actually understand the waiter.

“Why the large and obvious ones” I had the nerve to ask.

“They have this amazing feature,” he replied.  “I press this switch and I can’t hear anything  at all,” he said with a smile.  “Now, I’m safe on the subway, at the bridge club, and sometimes even at home.”

With that, Myron pressed the switch and got down to the serious business of lunch.

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Dumbest Editorial of the Month Contest off to a Great Start

Posted on July 2, 2011 by stevieslaw

My old friend MikeK was not only a firm believer in his right to be anywhere, anytime but also believed that his right to move his mouth to emit sounds was protected by the Constitution.  Where we grew up in the Brownsville/East New York section of Brooklyn, his beliefs guaranteed a short but painful life.  You want an example? When we were in High School, we played a really poor Boy’s High football team away.  We had a great team and the score at the end of the half was like 52-0 and three of their best players had already been carried off.  Boy’s High had the reputation of providing vocational training for prison, so when Mike suggested we stroll over to their side of the field to the only refreshment stand, he got no takers.  Most of us were, frankly, planning our emergency route home—planning to skip out silently some time in the middle of the third quarter.  Surprisingly, a bunch of Boy’s High fans beat the stuffing out of Mike and took his money.  Who knew? 

So what did I take away from this? That it is unwise to travel some distance with a chip on your shoulder to a place you shouldn’t be in the first place.  And, you don’t really want to fight with people who are certifiably crazy—no matter why they are crazy.  This all was reinforced by my country’s intervention in Vietnam.

So when Trudy Rubin, writing for the Philadelphia Inquirer, worries about the signals we are sending the Taliban by withdrawing out troops more quickly than we had initially let on we would, I have to imagine she is going to be hard to beat for Dumbest Editorial of the Month of July contest.  I know I’m sticking my neck out here—it is only July 2nd, but I think we have a winner.

I could go on and on about this—about how we shouldn’t have been there in the first place, looking for Bin Laden who was at the time in a house in Pakistan we were probably paying for.  But worrying about sending the wrong signals to the Taliban—a group of men so crazy they think that their religion not only justifies the killing of foreigners, but exalts it.  So, as I see it, we’ve gone to a place 10,000 miles away with a chip on our shoulder to fight really, really crazy people who live there and will continue to live there no matter when we leave.  And now we are going to worry about sending and receiving signals from crazy people, while 100,000 or so our young people are in harm’s way.  Good job, Trudy.

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