StevieslawExclusive: Congress to Pass DCDRA

Posted on September 27, 2011 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw Exclusive: Congress to Pass DCDRA
Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, learned today that Congress will pass The Dysfunctional Congress Disaster Relief Act. Smokey reports further that vote to pass the act will be unanimous. “Long overdue,” said Johnny Ray—a spokesman for John Boehner, while Anne Rice, spokeswoman for Nancy Pelosi, concurs. President Obama has promised to sign the legislation should he be able to find a pen that works in DC.
The act will fund remedial courses, at the 8th grade level, in Civics, American History and Science for all members of Congress. Group therapy sessions, concentrating on anger management and building trust, will also be given.
The cost of the legislation was not immediately available. Of the hundred people Smokey polled about the legislation, however, 97 responded “priceless.”

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MyVoicesColumnForSeptember: I’m America–Fly Me.

Posted on September 6, 2011 by stevieslaw

I’m America—Fly Me

We averaged just over 80 mph coming home from Florida a few days ago. Unfortunately, we flew. Most of us have an airline horror story or two. My cousin Myron and his wife Marsha recently flew “What’s Your Hurry Air” out of Pittsburgh. Myron is one of the cheapest people on the planet. To use a free companion ticket, he drove to Pittsburgh to fly to Houston to drive to a wedding in New Orleans. When his flight from Pittsburgh was cancelled because of weather in Chicago, he could transfer to another airline but his companion, Marsha, could not. He called me a little while ago. He is in Baton Rouge, Marsha is in Minneapolis, and their car is still in Pittsburgh. Oh, his carry-on luggage, which didn’t fit in the overhead, is in “final destination,” but no one seems to know where that is. I believe it is in Nebraska. They missed the wedding, of course, but so did the groom, who sat in the airport in Rochester waiting for the flight crew from Toledo whose plane was rerouted to Kansas City. With a sly nod to Darwin, the bride married the only guy to make it to the wedding on time.

The most fun you can have flying now is playing the “overhead compartment bin war.” Serious players try for boarding zones four or five. The idea is to get your carefully prepared carry-on bags to fly for free in the body of the plane. You can only do that if you have timed the “out of carry-on space,” announcement just right. Win and you get to stick it to the airlines for $25 to $50. Sure, they are still likely to misplace your bag or send it to Nebraska, but that is no longer the point. The game has become so intense that the time to stow luggage in the convenient overhead bins is often longer than the flight.

But wait until you hear what is in store for you!

At Stevieslaw, publisher of the Less-intelligent-than-average American Guides (LAG), we introduce you to air travel in 2012 and beyond through, “I’m America-Fly Me.” In the LAG Guide, you will learn that:

Approach: Regional airports will close. All traffic to the major city airports will be on gridlocked roads that were built in 1926 and have since been “tea-partied” to rubble.

Ticketing: All airline tickets will say “on or about” rather than providing a specific day or time. At the airport, you will get to negotiate with a single, harried employee, working on an old computer with a fragile connection, to see when you might fly.

Security: For fear of the “DNA” bomb—in which a terrorist can reputedly make his body’s cells into a nuclear weapon, you will be DNA screened while floating naked in a vat of a jello-like substance, while TSA employees point and laugh. Very small towels will be available for a very large price for those who pass the test.

Carry-on: You will only be allowed to carry on a single stick of sugarless gum and a portable electronic device you will be forbidden, over and over again, to use.

The Chariots: Boeing, working closely with the airlines, will unveil the “Straphanger 2000,” in which the seats will be replaced by six to eight rows of “personal attachment stations.” Obviously, those PASes that are closer to the center of the cabin, and don’t require you to stoop and fly, will cost a bit more.

The Amenities: Coin-operated bathrooms will be the norm. Frequent flyer miles can be traded for bathroom time—finally providing the flyer with a clear picture of what they are worth. Look for “Depends Garment Stores” to spring up at airports next to the food courts. Stewardesses will be replaced by a looped tape which will remind you that anything other than shallow breathing is prohibited by law,interwoven with advertisements for things you cannot live without—such as a voice operated umbrella.

Safety: Failure to fund the FAA will continue. Eventually, the greedy federally funded employees will notice and try to find other jobs. As a consequence, all FAA functions will be privatized and farmed out to the lowest bidder. Right now, that is Iran.

We know that you are probably thinking—“well, I just won’t fly.” But that’s because you haven’t yet read the LAG to guide public transportation—“One Nation, One Bus,” or the LAG guide to the future of driving in America—“Why Bother.”

By the way, if you should happen to be a “job creator,” with the ability to fly first class you can ignore this entire article. Flying, like everything else, will be much easier for you.

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Stevieslaw Goes Back to Basics

Posted on September 4, 2011 by stevieslaw

Marc Levy of the Associated Press reports in our local newspaper, the CDT, that 1 in 5 of the bridges and 1 in 5 highway miles in Pennsylvania are in need of repair. Infrastructure funding has been inadequate under Republican and Democratic administrations but is a particular problem for the current bunch—starring Tom Corbett—that believe all taxes are bad and that government cannot create jobs even when they create jobs.
Fortunately, there is another way—The Back to Basics Movement— that is currently sweeping the nation. BBM will start to offer classes in most cities across the US this fall. For example, Smokey Diamond is signed up for, “Use What Nature Gives You,” a course that teaches you to find and use the natural fords that traverse our abundant waterways, while I am signed up for “Herbal Medicine,” an essential course for those of you stuck with prescriptions for drugs the Pharmaceutical Industry no longer finds profitable to manufacture. I’m told that hundreds of courses, which will adequately prepare us to go back to the glory days of the 1700’s—when men were men and women (and some men) were property, will be offered.
I will see you in class (if the road holds up).

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Obama’s Bold Move

Posted on September 3, 2011 by stevieslaw

The pundits, who are mostly concerned with whether or not Sarah Palin will enter the Republican race, are about to be blindsided. Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, has once again ferreted out the big story, well ahead of even those reporters who are paid for their work.
Are you sitting down? Barack Obama will announce this weekend that he is in the race for the Republican Presidential nomination. He will note that the reason he moved his jobs speech was so he could participate in the Republican Candidate’s debate. Smokey has run down the fact that the President is prepared to cross file for the election, running as both a Republican and a Democrat—in this way ending partisan politics, “once and for all.”
Obama spokespeople were quick to point out that his decision to run as a Republican was not made lightly. “For a long time now it has been clear that Barack can make himself sufficiently comfortable with GOP positions to allow him to support them or at least not oppose them,” said an unnamed source. “The decision to rein in the jobs destroying EPA was a watershed, focusing the President on what he has become.” “On the other hand, the spinelessness— essential to the Democratic position remains—so that Barack was logically forced to consider cross filing.”
In a related story, Smokey reports that Fox News will close next week for two days for a “what the hell do we do now conference.” Creating a new list of the things we hate more than life itself is expected to be the focus of the two day meeting.

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5000 Hits

Posted on August 24, 2011 by stevieslaw

I just got my 5000th hit. WOW. If I keep this up, I will have more than 5000. Does anyone recall why that is important? wow.

Log on for an important announcement (that should generate another couple of hits).

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Biosurfactants and the Making of Dick Cheney

Posted on August 23, 2011 by stevieslaw

Catherine Tsal, writing for AP, reported today that an unnamed Halliburton Corporate Executive took a sip of their new fracking liquid when summoned to the podium by CEO Dave Lesar, during an industry meeting. The sip was supposed to prove that the liquid, to be used in enormous quantities in fracking to produce natural gas, was quite benign.
At Stevieslaw, we find ourselves less concerned with whether or not this test was meaningful than with the persistent rumor that Dick Cheney, upon assuming the mantle of Halliburton in 1995, took a sip of rhamnolipid—a specific biosurfactant used to enhance the recovery of oil from wells. We are not saying that Halliburton is using their fracking liquid to create yet another “Frankenstein” monster just on the basis of a long standing rumor, but we would like to know the name of the executive who took the sip and how many other Halliburton employees are using.
Experience suggests that when dealing with Halliburton, you and I cannot be too careful.

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Republicans Ready to Compromise on Taxes

Posted on August 22, 2011 by stevieslaw

Charles Babbington, writing for the Associated Press, reported today that Republicans might be willing to let the temporary reduction in payroll tax—that most helps the working poor—expire as planned. Astounding—some might even call that a tax increase. Now, Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, has learned that other compromises on taxes are also possible, as the kinder and gentler Republicans look to the 2012 elections.

Ivan Kisantell, spokesperson for the Republican Tax Initiative Committee, says that his group will propose some major changes to the tax code as part of the group of twelve recommendations. “We are looking for a zero net tax increase that balances the needs of the “job users” against those of the “job producers,” he said. Our approach is based on the philosophy of Ronald Regan (please stand and become silent), who might have said in his ketchup is a vegetable speech, “anything that helps the producers will eventually help the users.” “In the spirit of Regan, we will propose a large reduction in the Earned Income Tax Credit for low and moderate income users.” “The money that we save will then be redirected to further tax reductions for families earning more than $200,000.” “In this way, we help producers immediately and the users when we get around to it,” he continued. “It’s win, win.”

When Smokey pointed out that this was exactly counter to everything Obama had promised of his presidency and that he wouldn’t stand for it, Ivan smiled the smile of a true believer.

“Sure he will,” he argued, “Sooner or later, he agrees to everything we propose.” “He is really best at compromising with himself.” “It’s a real talent, he concluded.

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StevieslawExclusive: Save This Date

Posted on August 16, 2011 by stevieslaw

Latest opinion polls suggest that 6.2% of the population approves of the performance of the current legislators. Most pollsters will tell you that the percent of people who do not understand even the simplest questions is roughly 6.3%. Those people invariably answer yes, as they believe it makes them seem more likeable.
At Stevieslaw, we have learned that our elected officials are preparing a bold stroke to turn those numbers around. Congress will soon announce that Sunday, August 21th, is to be declared “Celebrate Those Who Legislate Day.” Legislators will provide hot dogs and lemonade for the masses at churches, county fairs, and stadiums using money recently cut from social programs. At some locations, flag pins may be available. The highlight of the day will no doubt be the stump speeches, delivered by each of the representatives, in which they will focus on their sincere and unique love for America. In fact, it is likely that sincerity will ooze from their very pores.
We are pumped and we believe our friends and neighbors will be as well. What a great way to unify the country, to bring smiles to the faces of the populace and to stimulate the economy. Smokey Diamond has already bought two dozen eggs, a dozen large heirloom tomatoes and a “YOU SUCK BIG TIME,” sign in bright purple. The eggs and tomatoes have been lovingly placed in a sunny location. Our neighbors are certain to buy produce, water guns and balloons and paintball guns. What fun!
See you on Sunday.

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Sleep Deprivation and the Radical Right

Posted on July 28, 2011 by stevieslaw

Even with their endless rounds of pronouncements, “Catch-22 style “ loyalty oath signings and non-constructive posturing on the debt ceiling—that threatens through interest rate increases the existence of the tottering middle class—House Republicans are still finding time to gut environmental regulations, as reported in the New York Times yesterday. At Stevieslaw, where dreams of long naps occupy even our most productive hours, we can only ask in awe—When do these people sleep?
Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, was down in DC this morning to speak with Babbsy Boat, spokesperson for “Hush Little Baby,” a liberal think tank that believes that they have a solution to the problem that Republican sleep-deprivation is causing. “Rather than follow the President’s advice and call your Representative to demand this or that,” said Babbs, “We recommend that you call your local Republican representative and sing him a lullaby.” “In our view, we will never end the lunacy that wide-awake Tea Partiers are bringing to our country.” “Our only hope is to get them to sleep until their terms are up.” “Think Rip Van Winkle and croon, croon, croon,” she concluded as she drifted off to sleep.

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Is the Media Up to the Challenge?

Posted on July 27, 2011 by stevieslaw

With the two competing bills in Congress designed to end the “Great Default Debacle” doomed to failure even if one passes the House and the other the Senate, we, at Stevieslaw, are forced to ask the only sensible question: Can the media make these votes even remotely interesting? Both cable and network TV are planning to cover the voting with hordes of talking heads and the screen pyrotechnics left over from the 2008 presidential election. Even the print media has stopped printing multi-column personality analyses of that raving maniac in Norway to concentrate on what is sure to be a completely meaningless vote. If you watch, you can be sure that when Joe Smith from Wyoming votes for or against one or the other of these useless bills you will see his smiling face against a map of his great state along with the latest public opinion polls, which will provide you with great detail about what an uninformed public is thinking—some of which may even vaguely related to the issue at hand.
Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter and statistics whizz, will be compiling the truly important figures instead. He will monitor the ratings of the TV news shows, in nearly real time, by logging on to ratingsblog.com, to see who is winning or losing the battle. Early money is on Fox. Their behind the scenes promotion of a pledge of “no new taxes even if it forces the end of the world”—has rallied the social conservatives—many of whom spend their entire adult lives longing for exactly that. They will flock to Fox. On the other hand, MSNBC’s “Trotsky Look Alike,” contest to promote taxing the rich, has not been doing nearly as well, perhaps because the winner will be forced to spend two weeks in the former Soviet Union—mostly in Siberia.
Don’t waste your time watching the vote. Log on to Stevieslaw early and often. We will provide you with the all important media ratings as soon as we get around to it.

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