Cousin Myron Pipes In

Posted on October 9, 2011 by stevieslaw

Myron Pipes In
Myron, my fire-eating red-headed cousin, does not often find his name and the word compromise in the same sentence. He is particularly hard on the filthy rich, waiters and idiots. It is not all that unusual for Myron to throw one of each through a plate glass window in any given month.
When he called me to suggest a compromise on the Keystone XL pipeline project, I was stunned.
“I had a great idea for the project,” Myron told me. “But I don’t know how to publicize it.”
“I’ll put it on my blog, cousin,” I said. “That way ten or twelve people this year will read about it.”
“It’s a start,” said my cousin. “A very, very small start.”
Myron’s compromise is simplicity itself.
1. Build the pipeline. It will create tons of good paying jobs in the middle of a jobs recession.
2. Have the oil companies pay for the pipeline construction using their very large pool of government subsidies. They won’t miss it.
3. Don’t connect the pipeline to anything in Hardisty or in Houston/Port Arthur. Keep it empty and shiny.
New jobs. No new taxes. No environmental mess. It’s a win, win, win.
As an aside, Myron is heartbroken about his Yankees. He is shocked to learn there will be no Congressional Investigation into the loss.
“What do those idiots do?” he wondered aloud.
My advice to congressmen and women is to avoid having lunch in any restaurant with both plate glass windows and Myron until the first pitch next April.

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Wall Street Wheat

Posted on October 7, 2011 by stevieslaw

Wall Street Wheat
When I was a graduate student, way back before the beginning of recorded time, board games were still the rage. A group of us would meet at someone’s place, late at night, and play Monopoly or the world conquest game Risk. We also played a game based on the Chicago Commodities Market, called Pit. In it, we tried to corner the market in some commodity by trading with each other. As I recall, trading was accomplished by each of us holding up commodity cards while screaming for a trade at the top of our lungs. You had to drink a lot of beer to be successful at the game, but the playing field was level and the beer made the game just that much more fun.
I just received a new version of the game from Amazon and was astonished to learn that the rules have changed. In the new version, you and your friends get to sit in a corner somewhere and worry about the price of staples—food, heating oil, and gasoline, while Wall Street fat cats in suits bid for the commodities through stylized computer codes.
Beer anyone?

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Wall Street and the Vets

Posted on October 5, 2011 by stevieslaw

Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, and I love when our local newspaper, The Centre Daily Times, asks and answers its own question in the same issue. Today, they ran the article by Adam Geller of AP headlined: Protest’s Mission Remains Murky, about the Wall Street protests. What do these protesters want? The CDT provides a simple answer in the article out of Atlanta in which “a whistle-blower lawsuit claims several large banks and mortgage companies defrauded military veterans and taxpayers out of hundreds of millions of dollars in a “brazen scheme” to hide illegal fees. Proven? No. Plausible? Oh yeah.
The protesters want crap like this to stop. The NYTs today reports that Mellon Bank was being sued for overcharging their customers some 2 billion dollars in exchange fees. Perhaps that stuff should stop as well.
The Geller article picks up on the new Wall Street defense—the victims-are-equally-to-blame-rule. Why did they go for the teaser mortgages or run up their credit card bills? Aren’t they responsible too? Sure. But in this country, we still recognize the difference between foolish and evil. Buying a well-marketed slice of the American Dream is, in retrospect, foolish. Knowingly marketing and selling that impossible dream is evil.
An American Government that promotes the well being of the hucksters, because they are (a little Bach and a respectful hush please) the job creators, over the well being of its common citizens has misplaced its purpose. Citizens are disgusted because the financial system they live under is disgusting and the government they hired to help protect the average Joe doesn’t.

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October Voices Article

Posted on October 4, 2011 by stevieslaw

This was chopped up in the print copy of Voices.

Just Shoot Me: Your Aged Relative and the Extended Hospital Stay.

My mom is much improved. Thanks for asking. I am ashamed to say though that she’s fallen into that “culture of dependency” I’ve heard so much about. Perhaps many desperately ill ninety-five years olds become dependent, but my mother didn’t even try to snap out of her post-surgery anesthetic haze to tell us which rehab facility she wanted to go to.

Not that she had a choice. There was only one that took both her particular Medicare insurance and could provide the intravenous feeding she needed. That one was about 21 miles away. Unfortunately, the Medicare reimbursable range for ambulance transport is five miles—so she had to be transferred four times. We carried her the last mile. It was entertaining for mom though. At each transfer point—usually on the berm of I95, she had to sign reams of legal documents absolving each ambulance company in turn from any liability and guaranteeing payment for “as long as the sun may shine.”

For many baby boomers, helping an ailing aged related person (AARP) is on the horizon. Now, Stevieslaw will publish the Less-intelligent-than- average American Guide (LAG) to senior health care in America. In Part 1, the extended hospital stay, you will learn about

1. The Mission: Senior heath care is a life and death struggle between the hospital and the insurance company as governed by several million pages of government guidelines. Try not to get in the way.

2. The Environment: The average hospital has several 12 story buildings on at least 25 acres. Neither the buildings not the floors are numbered. Parking lots are clearly labeled by multicolored “No Parking” signs. Plan to leave your car—you will never find it again.

3. Visiting: In an effort to separate the thousands of people who want entry to the hospital so they can sample the cuisine, shop for gifts, and breathe the tainted air from those who want to visit a sick AARP, you will be subjected to a rigorous security screening by someone who desperately wants to be somewhere else. Be nice.

4. Finding Your Way: You can’t. If you ask three people in white about the location of the surgical suites, you will get four different answers. Want a can’t- lose- start-up business? Create a hospital gps system that can be rented at the gift shop.

5. The Room: Your AARP will have a bed in a private or semi-private room. A private room has one TV blaring. A semi-private room has two TVs, usually set to different stations, blaring. In addition, equipment and warning lights are always either flashing and beeping or broken. This is the place to test your favorite headache remedy.

6. The Staff: Nurses look like people doomed to spend 18 hours on their 10 hour shifts. They are. When they are not helping the AARP, they are charting what they did to help the AARP. When they are not helping or charting, they are rushing from room to room to find out why something stopped flashing and beeping. Aides are dressed in pastel. A successful facility hires aides that look alike. A Doctor or “Attending” is required to make rounds once a day or she is demoted to aide. You are unlikely, however, to ever meet one. Rumor has it they round at night—disguised as janitors. Surgeons on the other hand are accessible. After all, every day is a Happy Halloween for a surgeon. They can be identified by the words “right” and “left” embroidered on the sleeves of their gowns.

7. The Lingo: Listen carefully to the nurses and the aides. For example, when asking for help, an “I will be right back,” means at least a two hour wait, while an “I will find someone to help,” means I will never return.

8. Medication and Tests: At the hospital, medication is given on the At the Moment System (ATMS). If your AARP has a rapidly changing blood pressure, it is not unusual for her to be on three pills to lower her pressure, two to raise it and one to control the diabetes she doesn’t have. Your AARP is not senile, just dopey. Feeding and hydration is often through an IV line. The IV mechanism is often flashing and beeping because it is empty or kinked. Don’t let that make you nervous. Imagine that is how it is supposed to work. Blood is drawn every 20 minutes day and night. That’s about 200 gallons of blood a week, if we have done the calculation correctly. It can’t all be from you AARP, so keep your arms and legs covered—if you are in the room you are fair game.

9. The Food: Your AARP will live for the orange jello.

10. Discharge: Discharge is initiated by the insurance company when they coo those three little words—no longer reimbursable. A “janitor” will then attest that “discharge is the best idea I have ever had,” and sign something. Social Workers and Case Managers, who prior to this had just provided you with out of date brochures and folk wisdom, will become ferocious and call everyone in the United States with your last name to come get the AARP right now. You’d better get down there.

Stay tuned for Part II. Rehab—the care-free hospital.

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Fashionable Facts

Posted on October 3, 2011 by stevieslaw

As we all secretly believe, fact is like fashion. The fashion model, Heidi Klum, who hosts the runaway hit show Project Runway says it best, “In fashion, one day you’re in, the next day you’re out.” That’s why our intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, was so pumped to test the hot new app, “She loves me—or not,” available exclusively at Stevieslaw. Smokey says, “With facts, as with fashion, one day they’re correct the next day not. “Now you can use the SLM-ON app to test any “fact” for instant accuracy, just as long as the test can be posed as a simple yes or no question.”
Have trouble believing the earth is round? Ask forty-four million of your equally misinformed peers their opinion. Today, you will find that 57% believe it is not. Bingo—today, the earth is flat. And, tomorrow? Excited yet?
SLM-ON can help with the simplest fashion questions, “Should I buy this new blue shirt because it makes me look thin (just upload the photo)” to the thorniest of philosophical queries—“Is there a God and does he look like Woody Allen?” (1.Yes 14%: 2. Yes 87%: 3.Yes 86%). Can’t sleep? Stay up all night and watch the evolution (pun intended) of your truth.
Real Americans will be happy to note that SLM-ON has already been warmly endorsed by the Tea Party. A spokesperson for Michelle Bachmann notes that, “this will end the twin tyrannies of science and history.” While a Rick Perry spokesperson suggests that SLM-ON will quickly eliminate the need, and the expense, of higher education.
Are they right? Check it out on SLM-ON. Download it now from Stevieslaw for only $19.97—less than half the cost of a steak dinner at Arbys. Or is it?

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Campaignthemes1

Posted on September 30, 2011 by stevieslaw

Okay, come clean. Give it up. We, at Stevieslaw, are starting to really like Barack Obama again—we suspect you are too. Sure, he is not FDR or HST or even JFK, but he’s hardworking, sane and has had to deal with a really bad hand dealt by a really bad bunch in DC.
And now that he is in campaign mode, he is really easy to like. He may not do Presidential well, but he is one super campaigner. The guy just seems so genuine and so sincere that we can feel the hope well up inside us more and more with every passing day. And, he is helped enormously by his warm, welcoming wife and two pretty perfect children. Starting to feel the love?
But the thing Obama does best on the campaign trail is to drive the Republicans crazy. They spend all their time being anti-Obama, even when there is nothing much to be anti about. And the people they end up nominating. He had them so frazzled in 08 that they let themselves nominate an old guy with a visible chip on his shoulder and a bobby-doll knockoff from Alaska with the nickname, ditz. This time they’ll go with someone who doesn’t believe in evolution, women’s rights, or global warming. Perhaps, they will find some joker who rents a stadium, so his followers can pray for rain. Or, someone with so poor a knowledge of American History that an eighth grade civics class would be more than a challenge.
So, break out the comfortable shoes—come the summer, we will all be going door to door, writing checks, making phone calls and talking up that “hopey” stuff again. Best get used to the idea now.

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Stevieslaw: Evaluating the Value of Values

Posted on September 29, 2011 by stevieslaw

Even here at Stevieslaw, a liberal sinkhole if ever there was one, we recognize the existence of things of intrinsic good—or values, if you will—the touch and voice of a loved one, the delightful babble of a baby playing with new found sounds, the laughter of an old friend. The things we “believe in” are precious, often fleeting, often intensely personal, and impossible to base a government on.
Today’s article by David Lightman, of McClatchy Newspapers, touched on the history of the tea party movement—a loosely organized group of mostly disaffected Republicans, who see both traditional political parties as proponents of big government. The poorly worded survey that followed the article was more revealing. When asked “what qualities are most important to you in deciding who to support for the GOP nomination,” 35% responded—share your values—while 18% said—is closest to you on the issues—which we interpret as more votes for values. Only 24% responded with—has the experience to govern.
Let us agree to run the country on the things we value—I vote for the miracle of a gentle rain on the morning of a fine day in early spring. Who’s with me?

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Cousin Myron and Class Warfare

Posted on September 28, 2011 by stevieslaw

I was in court this morning as a character witness for Myron, my hotheaded, redheaded, wealthy and brilliant cousin. I sat in the back of the court and read our local newspaper, The Centre Daily Times, while waiting for Myron’s case to come up. The CDT often, and I think accidently, puts two articles or opinions together that are made for each other. Today on their opinion page they had an editorial on the end of the American Dream, about young people unable to get decent jobs, and one on taxing the super-rich, by imposing a yearly 2% wealth tax on the 0.5 percent of Americans with assets of over 7.2 million dollars.
As it turns out, Myron was in court because of one of the super-rich, our cousin Alvin. Alvin likes to parade his great wealth and, by default, his great intelligence before us at our monthly cousin’s club. His son Stephan, the congressional candidate, is even worse. Myron likes to point out, and I think with some cause that Stephan’s claim to fame, before the congressional race, was his ability to pick both nostrils, cross-handed, simultaneously.
It started as a simple discussion about taxes. Myron feels that taxing the rich through income, capital gains, and percent of wealth is reasonable and more than reasonable now during an economic downturn. Alvin thinks that paying taxes is for saps like Myron. The reasonable part of the discussion was short-lived and consisted mostly of Alvin screaming “class warfare” and Myron trying to explain that avoiding “class warfare” was, if for no better reason, why the super-rich should pay taxes. It wasn’t long after that Alvin started screaming “dope.” Myron then ended the discussion with a fine left jab to the right side of Alvin’s mouth.
Later, in court, Myron was given a stiff fine. Fortunately, for both of them, Alvin could neither smile nor laugh without some pain and simply stormed off.
On the way home, an angry Myron would only say, “They like to scream class-warfare and have the masses imagine communists or militant socialists manning the barricades in Moscow or Paris.” “Class warfare is always initiated by the rich,” he said. “Things have to be awfully bad for people to man-the-figurative-barricades.” “If the super-rich can’t be fair,” he continued, “They should at least have the sense to see to their own self-interest.” “Dopes,” he concluded.
Myron recovers quickly. We hadn’t walked much more than a block when he asked, with great hope and a winning smile, “Corned-beef?”

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StevieslawExclusive: Congress to Pass DCDRA

Posted on September 27, 2011 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw Exclusive: Congress to Pass DCDRA
Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, learned today that Congress will pass The Dysfunctional Congress Disaster Relief Act. Smokey reports further that vote to pass the act will be unanimous. “Long overdue,” said Johnny Ray—a spokesman for John Boehner, while Anne Rice, spokeswoman for Nancy Pelosi, concurs. President Obama has promised to sign the legislation should he be able to find a pen that works in DC.
The act will fund remedial courses, at the 8th grade level, in Civics, American History and Science for all members of Congress. Group therapy sessions, concentrating on anger management and building trust, will also be given.
The cost of the legislation was not immediately available. Of the hundred people Smokey polled about the legislation, however, 97 responded “priceless.”

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MyVoicesColumnForSeptember: I’m America–Fly Me.

Posted on September 6, 2011 by stevieslaw

I’m America—Fly Me

We averaged just over 80 mph coming home from Florida a few days ago. Unfortunately, we flew. Most of us have an airline horror story or two. My cousin Myron and his wife Marsha recently flew “What’s Your Hurry Air” out of Pittsburgh. Myron is one of the cheapest people on the planet. To use a free companion ticket, he drove to Pittsburgh to fly to Houston to drive to a wedding in New Orleans. When his flight from Pittsburgh was cancelled because of weather in Chicago, he could transfer to another airline but his companion, Marsha, could not. He called me a little while ago. He is in Baton Rouge, Marsha is in Minneapolis, and their car is still in Pittsburgh. Oh, his carry-on luggage, which didn’t fit in the overhead, is in “final destination,” but no one seems to know where that is. I believe it is in Nebraska. They missed the wedding, of course, but so did the groom, who sat in the airport in Rochester waiting for the flight crew from Toledo whose plane was rerouted to Kansas City. With a sly nod to Darwin, the bride married the only guy to make it to the wedding on time.

The most fun you can have flying now is playing the “overhead compartment bin war.” Serious players try for boarding zones four or five. The idea is to get your carefully prepared carry-on bags to fly for free in the body of the plane. You can only do that if you have timed the “out of carry-on space,” announcement just right. Win and you get to stick it to the airlines for $25 to $50. Sure, they are still likely to misplace your bag or send it to Nebraska, but that is no longer the point. The game has become so intense that the time to stow luggage in the convenient overhead bins is often longer than the flight.

But wait until you hear what is in store for you!

At Stevieslaw, publisher of the Less-intelligent-than-average American Guides (LAG), we introduce you to air travel in 2012 and beyond through, “I’m America-Fly Me.” In the LAG Guide, you will learn that:

Approach: Regional airports will close. All traffic to the major city airports will be on gridlocked roads that were built in 1926 and have since been “tea-partied” to rubble.

Ticketing: All airline tickets will say “on or about” rather than providing a specific day or time. At the airport, you will get to negotiate with a single, harried employee, working on an old computer with a fragile connection, to see when you might fly.

Security: For fear of the “DNA” bomb—in which a terrorist can reputedly make his body’s cells into a nuclear weapon, you will be DNA screened while floating naked in a vat of a jello-like substance, while TSA employees point and laugh. Very small towels will be available for a very large price for those who pass the test.

Carry-on: You will only be allowed to carry on a single stick of sugarless gum and a portable electronic device you will be forbidden, over and over again, to use.

The Chariots: Boeing, working closely with the airlines, will unveil the “Straphanger 2000,” in which the seats will be replaced by six to eight rows of “personal attachment stations.” Obviously, those PASes that are closer to the center of the cabin, and don’t require you to stoop and fly, will cost a bit more.

The Amenities: Coin-operated bathrooms will be the norm. Frequent flyer miles can be traded for bathroom time—finally providing the flyer with a clear picture of what they are worth. Look for “Depends Garment Stores” to spring up at airports next to the food courts. Stewardesses will be replaced by a looped tape which will remind you that anything other than shallow breathing is prohibited by law,interwoven with advertisements for things you cannot live without—such as a voice operated umbrella.

Safety: Failure to fund the FAA will continue. Eventually, the greedy federally funded employees will notice and try to find other jobs. As a consequence, all FAA functions will be privatized and farmed out to the lowest bidder. Right now, that is Iran.

We know that you are probably thinking—“well, I just won’t fly.” But that’s because you haven’t yet read the LAG to guide public transportation—“One Nation, One Bus,” or the LAG guide to the future of driving in America—“Why Bother.”

By the way, if you should happen to be a “job creator,” with the ability to fly first class you can ignore this entire article. Flying, like everything else, will be much easier for you.

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