Stevieslaw: Union of American Satirists Blasts Trump

Posted on December 8, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Union of American Satirists Blasts Trump

The Union of American Satirists today took Trump to task today for appointing Scott Pruitt, the Oklahoma Attorney General and Climate-change denier, to head the Environmental Protection Agency. The UAS claimed that the choice was so bad that it could not be satirized—the highest form of condemnation that the organization can issue.

Said spokesperson, Marvin Juvenal, “we’ve been around for a few thousand years and can usually come up with something, but this shill for the gas and oil industry has beaten our best efforts.”

At one point, Mr. Juvenal adopted a serious mien and asked, “Wasn’t he the Pruitt that famously declared, why should I help save the planet—what has the planet ever done for me?”

Juvenal admitted that some in the Union felt that the only explanation for Mr. Pruitt’s open hatred for the environment was that he was not native born. “A majority—albeit a small majority—believe that Scott was dispatched from an alien civilization, several light years from earth, in the hope of forcing humans to repopulate their home planet—named Exxonia or something like that, by destroying the capability to support life on this one.”

“But how does one satirize that?” asked Juvenal.

“Damn it Orange, this is our livelihood your messing with,” he concluded.

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Telepoem Booth is coming to State College

Posted on December 7, 2016 by stevieslaw

I’m so happy to be involved in this. A little bit of a good thing in a sea of bad. Please submit poems. The deadline is January 1. Submission form: http://bit.ly/2gkGcYV

Telepoem Booth Announced, Poetry Submissions Requested

State College, PA – Visitors to downtown State College will soon be able to enjoy a new attraction, a Telepoem Booth. This spring, people will be able to enter the phone booth and call up a poem recitation. The poems will be classic, modern, and curated from local poets, community members, and students.

After visiting Flagstaff, Arizona and discovering an interactive Telepoem Booth there, John Ziegler knew he had to bring one to State College.

“John enthusiastically brought this idea back from Flagstaff and, thanks to a grant from the Knight Foundation Donor-Advised Fund here at Centre Foundation, we’ll soon be able to enjoy a Telepoem Booth right here in Centre County,” said Molly Kunkel, Executive Director at Centre Foundation. “This booth will add another element of whimsical fun and art to downtown State College.”

John Ziegler is spearheading the effort along with Sarah Russell, Steve Deutsch, Katie Bode-Lang, and Mary McGuire. The team will be collecting local poetry submissions, reviewing them, coordinating the recordings of accepted poems by their respective poets, and finalizing the installation of the Telepoem Booth next year.

“The Telepoem Booth is a unique way to bring poems to people’s daily lives”, noted Ziegler. “We will have classical and modern poems, as well as the work of our local poets – all available by dialing a rotary phone in an old-fashioned phone booth and hearing a poem read by a poet.”

Poetry submissions are due by January 1st, 2017 using this online form. All local community members – from grade schoolers to retirees- are encouraged to submit a poem. Poets may submit up to five poems. Other guidelines include:

· Each poem should be no more than 40 lines.
· Any topic is encouraged, but sexually graphic and/or hateful content will not be considered.
· Previously published poems may be submitted, with credit given to the original publisher.
· All rights will be retained by the author.

Submissions will receive a response in February.

“Poems on any topic are welcome, as long as they fit the submission criteria,” added Russell. “This includes narrative, free and rhymed verse, and slam poetry. We want folks to have fun and maybe even be inspired when they pick up the receiver and dial a poem.”

For more information, please e-mail TelepoemBooth@gmail.com and like the Facebook page.

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Stevieslaw: Twittering for Millions

Posted on December 7, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Twittering for Millions

In my old neighborhood of Brownsville, Brooklyn in the seventies, you couldn’t question anyone above the age of 13 and not learn that making money was easy if you knew someone at the racetrack. Not so much at the flats, which were hard to fix, but at the trotters, where the carts the drivers rode upon could be easily used to block some other horse from passing. We had a friend, Yogi, a big guy with the face of a four year old, who worked for the trainers and groomers at Roosevelt Raceway. He was not open with information, but one Saturday he took us to the track and Potsy, Fox and I all walked away with daily double winnings.

That story crossed my mind as I rode a surprisingly slow elevator up to the 33rd floor of Trump Tower to interview, Skyn Flint, head of Trump’s “Monetizing the Presidency Group.” I was not alone in the elevator—it was full of applicants for the positions the transition team has been advertising this past week.

Mr. Flint confirmed that the place was hopping. “We can’t keep up,” he said with a smile.

“So I know you might monetize the Presidency by setting the President up to make money on the speaking circuit after he retires,” I said. “That sort of thing is routine.” “But, how will you go about making Trump money?” I asked.

“Mr. Trump is a special case,” said Skyn, “As he already has many billions of dollars and his hand in almost everything related to construction, recreation and finance in the nation. It’s hard not to make him money.”

“Take twitter,” said Mr. Flint. “We both know that any Wall Street manager worth his salt can make more money with a millisecond of foreknowledge than your average Joe makes in a lifetime. Suppose, just suppose, someone knew that Trump was going to tweet that the contract for Airforce 1 should be cancelled a few seconds before the tweet went out. Boeing stock dropped 1%. “Or for that matter, suppose the new President was to tweet, he said, reading from a prepared sheet, I won’t allow GE to take manufacturing out of the country, I intend to cancel all of GE’s federal programs.. And better, suppose he were to follow it up with a later tweet that said, Did I say GE, I meant GM.

Get where I’m going? It’s just one of hundreds of possibilities.”

“Of course, Mr. Trump can’t own the stocks—but his people can,” continued Mr. Flint. “And before you get all bent out of shape about this, let me tell you that I consider the work we do in this office critical to the health of the nation.” “We both know that Mr. Trump is only truly happy when he is beating someone out of a dime. And four years of a happy and engaged Mr. Trump, while perhaps far from ideal, is better than four years of an angry, disengaged Mr. Trump.”

I left even more deflated than I was when I arrived—I had thought that impossible.

Strange, but as I rode the elevator down, I couldn’t help wondering how my old friend Yogi was making out.

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Stevieslaw: Trump to adopt N. Korean model in Secretary of State Choice

Posted on December 6, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Trump to adopt N. Korean model in Secretary of State choice.

Edgar Maddison, the 28 year old from North Carolina who opened fire in a DC restaurant that was the subject of a fake news story, has “moved to the top of the list of potential Secretary of State nominees,” said transition team spokesperson, Nowair T. Hide. The news story claimed that the Clinton campaign was running a child sex ring from the restaurant and Mr. Maddison wanted to find out for himself. American Nazi groups (formerly known as alt-right groups) have called Maddison a hero—a 21st Century Don Quixote, and a fine example of the American educational system at its best.

Steve Bannon, soon to be Trump’s Chief of Staff, said the choice of Maddison would send a strong message to our adversaries around the globe. Bannon noted that, “aside from the bankers and wall street financiers, the Trump picks have all fallen under the umbrella of inexperience and unpredictability. His chosen people are not likely to act rationally. Can you imagine how effective this guy would be in a meeting with the Chinese, he continued? “How can you ever get a read on a guy that would not only believe a story like that but would believe it to such a degree that he would also act on it? Inscrutable—hah.”

“Mr. Maddison also carries with him a hair-trigger potential for violence,” said Trump transition spokesperson, Mr. Hide. “Irrationality, the threat of violence, and access to nuclear weapons is quite a combination to have when dealing with friends and foes around the world” “It is essentially the N. Korean model on steroids,” he said with a winning smile, “and just look how well the N. Koreans are doing.”

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Stevieslaw: Cousin Myron Reflects

Posted on December 2, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Cousin Myron Reflects

I don’t often hear from Myron’s wife Marsha. We decided, independently, that limiting our discussions to just the state of our respective children’s well-being would do much to promote world peace. When Marsha does call, it means that some new and unusual craziness has come upon Myron—whose normal crazy seems to most, nearly boundless. As perhaps you know, Myron is my favorite cousin, an idiot-savant with such a remarkable facility in mathematics, that it allowed him to make gobs and gobs of money betting on the ponies. In many ways, Myron is the anti-Trump and many people are still angry with him for dropping out of the presidential race.

Marsha wanted to know why Myron would take down all of the mirrors in the house—including the ones in the bathrooms. Myron is a year older than I. We are both old enough for social security and medicare and all those senior’s perks that gray hair buys you at the local businesses. He had children late, however, and his twin teenagers are taking the loss of mirrors very, very hard. “They think it’s a statement on their excessive vanity,” she said.

I had to confess to Marsha, that as expert as I was in all things Myron, I hadn’t a clue why he would take the mirrors down. “I’ll think about it,” I told her, although we both knew I was lying.

As coincidence would have it, I started a new yoga class that day at a spanking new facility. I recommend yoga. An hour away from the real world for ten or fifteen dollars is a real bargain. I noted with a smile that the studio had one full wall of mirrors—maybe, I would be enlightened about Myron’s strange behavior. For the first set of “warrior” exercises, I faced away from the mirrored wall. Those of you my age or older don’t have to be told that inside every “senior” resides a fantastically fit “twenty-something.” In my mind’s eyes, my Warrior II pose was amazing—strong and easy, a perfection of position. For the second set, I faced the mirror.

After yoga, I called my Cousin Myron to say, “Can I buy you lunch at our favorite deli? Yep, my treat.”

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Stevieslaw: Smog Gap Threatens America’s Standing in the World

Posted on November 30, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Smog Gap Threatens America’s Standing in the World

Children of the 1950’s are sure to remember The New York Yankees, The Boston Celtics and the missile gap. It was widely believed that the Russians had more and more powerful missiles and that if the “missile gap,” were not closed—and damned fast, Americans would wake one morning to find Soviet missiles raining down on their cities. But more than the fear of losing a nuclear exchange (perhaps with the understanding that the winner would have little cause for celebration), Americans felt a very tangible loss of prestige. It is well documented that before the missile gap, Americans walked with their shoulders back and their heads held high. In the 50’s, we slumped, refused to smile, and began to take Valium.

And now, Republicans—at the local, state and federal level, are at least as concerned about the growing Smog Gap as we were about the missile gap. Said Republican spokesperson, Bron Citis, “we are simply not holding our own against China and the emerging smog powerhouses of India and Pakistan. We are even falling behind our Latin American neighbors—Chile is one example.”

Myron Ebell, Trump’s pick to head The Environment Protection Agency, weighed in as well. “The smog gap is probably a larger concern than the Global Warming farce, although the two are certainly related.” “Rolling back mileage requirements on automobiles and trucks will certainly help,” he said, but if you want reliable air-pollution and smog—comparable to what the powerhouse nations routinely produce, you must bring back coal. President-elect Trump is wise to demand a return to coal.”

Steve Bannon, chief advisor to President Elect Trump, was clear in assigning blame. “The whole Frankenstein monster of insufficient smog and air-pollution may be laid at the feet of the liberal conspiracy. It can easily be traced back to the “Clean Air Act,” which was signed into law by the well-known socialist, President Lyndon Johnson, in 1963. We should have no problem in rolling it and its numerous amendments back.”

Bannon acknowledged that some people might be adversely affected by smog and air-pollution, but noted that, “a society does not become strong and great by worrying about its sensitive types.”

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Stevieslaw: James Agee Guest post

Posted on November 27, 2016 by stevieslaw

From today’s Writer’s Almanac on the occasion of James Agee’s birthday–   In an article that later became, Let Us Now Praise Famous Men*” Agee wrote: “A human being whose life is nurtured in an advantage which has accrued from the disadvantage of other human beings, and who prefers that this should remain as it is, is a human being by definition only, having much more in common with the bedbug, the tapeworm, the cancer, and the scavengers of the deep sea.”

• With photos by Walker Evans Continue reading →

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Stevieslaw: Kickstarter to feature DNA Tests for Racists

Posted on November 25, 2016 by stevieslaw

Smokey Diamond learned today that the ancestry group–findyourroots.com, has put up a kickstarter page to raise money to provide free DNA Tests for racists.  The tests which will determine percentage country or region of origin cost about $100.  People who take the test are invariably surprised by how diverse their backgrounds are.

Said CEO, Frui T. Cocktail,  “We’d certainly like everyone in the country to take the test, but it is essential for racists–since the person you are currently disparaging is very likely your cousin.”

 

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Stevieslaw: Thanksgiving

Posted on November 23, 2016 by stevieslaw

Thanksgiving

 

I picture you happy

and at the shore.

Just a short walk

from the once fashionable resort

you may remember visiting

years and years ago.

It is off-season and

the corduroy jacket

you have worn forever

is not quite warm enough.

You hug it to you

with reddened hands–

a poor replacement

for the large brown buttons

you have never found

in all those years

of thrift store meanderings.

 

The storm that cat- whorled through,

as if confirming the season’s demise,

has left the beach and small pier

you stand above in artless disarray.

A sailboat has been lifted from its mooring

and left upon the beach,

like the plaything of a distracted child.

The waves will take some hours

to quiet and the air retains

the faint taste of ozone,

that brings a sharpness to your senses.

The red in the distant, cloud-free sky

promises a particularly fine morning.

It will break both clean and crisp.

 

I picture you happy.

I picture you

easy in anticipation.

The old coat slips

open, exposing

a lining matted

and yellowed with age.

Once again you glance

at your watch,

as if surprised to find it on your wrist.

A fine watch

of timeless design–

a gift perhaps from someone

who knew you

when such things mattered.

 

I picture your smile.

A fine smile—

a gift to those

who, over time, have cared for you.

Do you remember when that friend–

the one you have not quite forgotten,

said you smiled through your eyes?

 

I picture some good thing

coming this way for you.

Soon. Indeed,

in my picture,

it has already set out.

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Stevieslaw: Jeff Sessions urges good ol’ boys to be patient

Posted on November 22, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Jeff Sessions urges good ol’ boys to be patient*

Jeff Sessions, Trump appointee for attorney general, cautioned his followers “not to expect miracles.” Sessions, in a remarkably candid interview, said that the work of restoring slavery would take months rather than days. “We have amendments to repeal, slave quarters to build, and auction houses to start up—it will require a great amount of work,” he told CNN. “Further,” he said, “the importance of restoring the slave economy will not be apparent until we deport the 13 or 14 million illegal aliens that do the work that no one else wants to do.” “Do you want to pick cantaloupe,” he continued. “I thought not.”

Sessions was more optimistic about obtaining reparations for the families of former slaveowners. “This is an easy bill to move through a Republican Congress—particularly if we work at night with the lights out,” he said.

“We won’t let you down,” he said with his boyish grin, “Especially now, when the South has finally won the war.”

*Reprinted without permission from the Alt-left news—which could have been voted the best “post-truth” journal on the internet by the Huffington Post.

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