Stevieslaw: I’m no…

Posted on January 15, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: I’m no…

Congressional Republicans announced today that they are expanding their highly successful, “I am no scientist,” campaign to include other disciplines and characteristics.  “The need to expand came almost accidently,” said spokesperson, Myer Furst.  “We were struggling with the article by Ricardo Alonso-Zaldivar (Associated Press) that appeared in most local newspapers today. The article seemed to imply that not only were more Americans getting the care they needed because of the cost reductions of the Affordable Care Act, but also that fewer of them had problems paying their bills—the first time this has happened since these statistics were first gathered in 2003/5. “

“A number of representatives piped up with, I am no statistician but these numbers don’t feel right,” said Furst.  “And Bingo,” he said with a smile, “the need to expand the campaign became obvious.” “I’m no politician,” Myer continued, But I would expect to see more along these lines; for example, ”I’m no woman but,” or “I’m not black but,” or “I’m not gay but,” as a way of handling all sorts of counterintuitive facts.”

In a related story, House Republicans were buoyed by the news that millions and millions of illegal immigrants, many who were brought here as children, were already in line at border crossings with Mexico anxious to return to their birth countries.  “I’m not Latino,” said Furst, “But it is clear that the no-nonsense, Republican message is already getting across.”

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Stevieslaw: Tomorrow’s Headlines–NRA flies into the future.

Posted on January 13, 2015 by stevieslaw

 

Here at Stevieslaw, we hate to see articles in our local newspaper about gun control, as it always signals another victory for the gun lobby and the NRA.  Just today, there was a piece about new legislation in Pennsylvania forcing local municipalities to back off on some gun control rules they had recently instituted.

Still, we feel it is best to keep abreast of what the NRA is planning for our future freedom. To this end, we sent Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter into the heart of gun country to visit the NRA’s think tank and gun range, “Cracked Shot,” in Boise, ID.  Smokey was fully encased in body armor and had undergone thorough training for her trip. She was taught, for example, to avoid eye contact and to signal her intentions clearly; for example, simply saying “I am going to scratch my nose now” instead of just doing it could save her a final trip home in a body bag.

Diet L.I.K. Dagga, NRA spokesperson, was more than happy to clue Smokey into future developments.  “It’s simple,” he said, “Think drones. The NRA will be spending most of its research budget to investigate how laws across the nation have to change to accommodate the ability of the gun-toting public to own and operate drones.  Issues such as “perceived threat at an extended distance,” and a host of stand your ground rules must be carefully examined and strengthened to protect our 2nd amendment rights.”

“The good news, Smokey, is that John Q. Public will soon have an air force. When you have to venture forth, you will be protected by a threat sensitive, fully armed armada of personal drones.  That will make the bad guys back off—although probably not fast enough,” he concluded with a giggle.

“Now, why don’t you and I go down to the range and shoot something.”

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Stevieslaw: Cousin Myron to Balance the Bronx

Posted on January 12, 2015 by stevieslaw

 

Smokey Diamond is now wearing two hats, as she is retaining her position as chief correspondent for Stevieslaw while picking up the position of Spokesperson for the Myron for President Juggernaut.

“Cousin Myron,” she declared, “Is now searching high and low for a running mate.  In contrast to the choices made by the Republican Party in recent years, she continued, The Coz’s running mate must be sane and have a sense of humor. Cousin Myron is most interested in presenting a balanced ticket, and for that reason will be picking a running mate from The Bronx.  As you are all no doubt aware, Brooklyn and The Bronx are like two different countries—Bronx drivers are instantly lost in Brooklyn, as are Brooklyn drivers in The Bronx.”

Smokey said that the major problem she is having in vetting a Bronx running-mate is the language barrier, and she has been forced to hire a former Bronx resident as an interpreter.  “Bronx English and Brooklyn English are very, very different,” she admitted, “And many would say neither language resembles English.”

When asked by Fox News correspondent, Donna Getit, if anyone in the United States will be able to understand what the candidates are saying, Smokey replied, “Did you hear Saintly Santorum speak about the other Republican candidates yesterday? We can only hope the man will start speaking in a Martian dialect.”

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Stevieslaw: Tomorrrow’s Headlines Today-Our Irrepressible Job Creators

Posted on January 8, 2015 by stevieslaw

 

Michael Wines, of the New York Times, reported today that research has linked earthquakes outside of Youngstown to fracking near a fault in Ohio.  Earthquakes, as a possible consequence of fracking and its related waste disposal, have also been reported in Texas and Colorado.

We have learned that Bill B.B. Drill, spokesperson for BigFrack, will respond tomorrow with a comment entitled, “Fracking, faults and infrastructure, the case for job creation.” Drill spoke today with Smokey Diamond, our not so intrepid reporter who has confined herself to life in interior rooms of single story brick buildings.” “Smokey,” said Dr. Drill, “People like to pretend that the initiation of these earthquakes is necessarily a bad thing. But let’s face it, for many of our cities our buildings, bridges and infrastructure are already crumbling. A few good size earthquakes, which I think we can obtain by using even higher pressures to dispose of waste products, will bring the whole structure down. Think of the amount of jobs that will create.”

“In fact, continued Bill Drill, we considered this just the tip of the iceberg1. We predict that cleaning up in the aftermath of widespread fracking will require a huge commitment of resources and will create an unimaginable number of good American jobs for decades to come.”

1.An expression destined to disappear from the language.

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Stevieslaw: Will Republicans Surrender Another Minority?

Posted on January 7, 2015 by stevieslaw

Although Cousin Myron has not yet formally announced his candidacy, Stevieslaw has learned that the Koch brother sponsored American Crossroads is planning to air several 30 second slots this spring in an attempt to upend the campaign of Cousin Myron, “early in the game.”  Spokeswoman, Betry T. Ur, said that Crossroads would portray Cousin Myron as “the flaming, red-haired radical that he is.”  She noted that the National Rifle Association is considering offering negative ratings just to cover the case of Cousin Myron and that Myron has repeatedly called climate change skeptics, “dumb-asses.”

The American Red-Headed League, named for the Sherlock Holmes short story by Arthur Conan Doyle, shot back immediately, through spokesperson Anne Ginger, She said,  “Two to six percent of Americans are red-headed. We have the largest number of red-heads in the world. Expressions like, “flaming red-headed radical” are sure to convince people of red-hair color not to vote for Republicans.”  “My god,” she concluded, “They’ve already given away the black and Hispanic vote, how can they afford to toss away the red-headed vote as well?”

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Stevieslaw: Is He Running?

Posted on January 7, 2015 by stevieslaw

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Cousin Myron after an interview with Kim Jong-un

In a Stevieslaw exclusive, we have learned that Cousin Myron has resigned from all of his board positions. These include the Presidencies of the Pitkin Avenue Merchants Association, The Brownsville Boys Club, and the Sutter Avenue Bowling League.   As you may recall, Myron, the red-headed idiot savant with a penchant for mathematics, made a very, very large amount of money by using a progressive betting scheme at several local race-tracks.  MSNBC, Fox News, and CNN will pose the question of Myron’s presidential candidacy, again and again and again, over the next few days.  CNN spokesperson, Natta Clew, confirmed that Myron was of interest as: “He has the resources, the terribly strong opinions, and the lack of experience needed for the race.”

Smokey Diamond, our long suffering reporter, put in a call this morning to Myron’s long-time spokeswoman and wife, Marsha, but she would only say, in conformity to her long standing policy, “pppffffffttttttttt.”

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Smokey Diamond: Ace Reporter-home for Christmas?

Posted on January 4, 2015 by stevieslaw

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Stevieslaw: The Obama Ratio

Posted on January 1, 2015 by stevieslaw

Max Boot, senior fellow at the Council of Foreign Affairs, argues today that once Americans are sent to fight a war overseas, they must stay until the enemy says “uncle.” Max makes no distinction between, say, World War II and the shadowy civil wars we have been fighting since—those wars, like Vietnam, in which the people we are fighting live there and we don’t. How would that even apply in a place like Pakghanistan?

But the conclusion we draw here is based less on what Max says and more on how Max says it. To do this, we introduce a new principle for judging the true subject of any article—The Obama Ratio: no article, short of biography, can use “Obama” for more than 0.5% of its words and still claim to be about something other than Obama. Max Boot uses “Obama” nine times in a roughly 800 word piece, an Obama ratio of greater than 1%, which leads us to believe, that in spite of the title, his piece is not about the Afghan war at all.

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Stevieslaw: Fox News to Add Weather Report

Posted on December 31, 2014 by stevieslaw

Imno S. Citist, spokesperson for Fox News, told Smokey Diamond today that Fox will be adding a weather report starting on the first of the year. Imno said “we will dedicate five minutes from every news hour to the weather, in an effort to balance the reports given by the liberal media.” The public needs to know that the ultra-liberals are basing their reports and forecasts on unproven, pseudo-scientific instruments like thermometers, wind anemometers, and rain gauges.”
“At Fox,” noted Dr. Citist, the reported temperatures will be 10 degrees cooler, the storms will be less frequent and much milder, and those storms will cause no property damage or injury to humans.” “Fair and balanced,” he concluded with a smile.

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Stevieslaw: The Story of the Year

Posted on December 31, 2014 by stevieslaw

Smokey Diamond was hard at work by the time I strolled into the offices of Stevieslaw this morning. As usual, she had settled on the only patch of sunshine in our basement rooms as a place to compose her stories. Smokey has decided to write a piece on the story of the year, on the last day of the year. She hopes to continue doing this for years to come. I could tell she was hard at it, as the floor was littered with what seemed like hundreds of pages of old newsprint and the room smelled of herring chips—her favorite working snack.
“There are dozens of the usual stories,” she mumbled “The wars, the terrorist attacks, the politicians, and the disasters. If you interchange the names—Iraq for Afghanistan, Isis for Al Qaeda, the stories all sound alike.”
“How about the mid-term elections,” I suggested. “It’s not often people vote for the folks that actively hate them.” “More and more,” she replied. “Also, our readership is a bit larger than the number of people who voted this year.”
“I thought about choosing the recent CDT piece in which they described the several hundred law suits that surround the Sandusky mess,” she opined. “But that’s really most effective as a sleep aid.” “Yes,” I added, “and after reading that piece I found it hard to believe that the bad guy is already in jail.”
There’s always Penn State football,” I said and we both laughed.
In the end, Smokey went with a “human” interest story. She felt that in a world where most social discourse is now prefaced with “you’re a moron,” a feel good story was just what the doctor ordered.
So without further ado, Smokey’s story of the year is “Cat sold in mattress is home,” by Steven DuBois of the Associated Press. The story, which she found in the CDT of December 30th, describes the travails of Camo the Oregon cat who went missing for ten days after the mattress and box spring were sold with him in it. Strangers and friends helped find the cat, who was lured home by sardines in oil and the scent of familiar clothing.
We should all be so lucky in finding our way home.

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