Stevieslaw: Dengue Mosquito Bites Senator Wicker’s Ass

Posted on January 26, 2015 by stevieslaw

It’s sort of fun to watch our local newspaper, The CDT, as it tries to become the print version of Fox News. Can they come to stupid fast enough? Today, they ran their once a week column against climate change science. It’s a thinly disguised piece that lauds the clear eyed sanity (as opposed to raving mad environmentalists) of Senator Roger Wicker of Mississippi. It has the usual stuff—no evidence, job loss, and a petition from smart people affirming the world is not getting warmer.

On the same page, the CDT published “its science is going to kill us all soon” article. In it they discussed the possible release of genetically modified bugs to fight mosquitoes that carry Dengue and Chikungunya fevers—two nasty viruses usually confined to the tropics.
The mosquitoes that carry Dengue and Chikungunya fevers are moving North to Florida and other Southern states because global warming is expanding their habitat. And that’s the part that makes me angry. How could the CDT possibly miss the humor in the juxtaposition of those two stories? How could they not publish a photo of Senator Wicker, in a hospital-style bed covered in mosquito netting, with the caption, “Wicker Down with the Dengue”

I just don’t get it CDT

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: Childhood’s Heroes

Posted on January 25, 2015 by stevieslaw

Ernie Banks, the Chicago Cub’s star from the 50’s and 60’s died Friday night. It took me back to the 50’s in New York City, when baseball was king. We had our choice of sports heroes in New York City, but mine was Mickey Mantle—the switch hitting center fielder for the Yankees. Even now, if I close my eyes and concentrate, I can see the shot he hit that nearly went out of Yankee Stadium—a prodigious feat.
I was a pretty poor baseball player. Now I play tennis and I’m not ashamed to admit that Roger Federer is my tennis hero. I worry about his ailing back in the same way I once worried about Mickey Mantle’s knees. Sure, I am 35 years older than Roger and unlikely to grow up to be as good, but it doesn’t seem to matter. That’s what so strange about watching the great ones play. Like it or not, I feel like a child again, with a child’s sense of wonder. I’m back in Brooklyn, back in front of a tiny black and white TV, back with the same feeling of invincibility, and with the certain knowledge that everything, everywhere, is going to work out just fine.

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: The House Republicans Voted to Contest

Posted on January 23, 2015 by stevieslaw

Just today, our local newspaper, the CDT, published two articles on measures being considered by House Republicans. The first described an anti-abortion measure that had to be pulled because it was offensive to staunchly anti-abortion Republican women. The second was a push for yet another unenforceable immigration bill.
There seems to be no better theatre in America today than the action of the Republican led House. Now Stevieslaw is proud to announce a contest—in which we challenge you to be as insane as the House. House majority leader, John Boehner has agreed to judge the entries, which will require you to complete the statement: The House Republicans voted today to… Craziest proposal wins.
Competition figures to be insane as the push to find something far beyond the current “normalcy” of House proposals will be very difficult. Consider this: we took a stab at the contest by proposing, “The House Republicans voted today to cede California to Mexico as a way of arresting illegal immigration.” John B. judged that to be, by the standards of the current House, mildly eccentric.
The winner will be announced on Valentine’s Day. That lucky person will get the chance to cast the deciding vote on something of earthshattering importance, during the current year. How could it hurt?

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: Warm in Here?

Posted on January 22, 2015 by stevieslaw

Senate Republicans today signed on to a growing acceptance by that august body that Earth’s living room window was broken. However, they refused to accept the theory that the baseball lying at the foot of the broken window was in any way responsible for the break. Wek Link, spokesperson for Senate Republicans, said, “People may advance the theory that my younger brother, House, or I had some responsibility for this act. And since we represent the people, that’s equivalent to saying all of us were in some way guilty of heaving the baseball. Not us!”
“Did you see the size of that window,” continued Link. “No one I know is strong enough to break a window that big.”
Link went on to blame the accidental break on the “Bossa Nova,” which we suppose is as good as anything.

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: Inspiration (a work in progress)

Posted on January 21, 2015 by stevieslaw

It blew in against the tide
with so little fanfare
that it startled the longshoremen,
who had taken to rust in the salt air.
The smiles of self-congratulation
rivalled the blaze of the rising sun.
“For patience and perseverance,”
said a hanger-on
who had practiced neither.

Tonight all along the long shore
The scritch of pencil on paper.

Posted in poetry, sleepless in state college | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: Quiz

Posted on January 20, 2015 by stevieslaw

If a group, say the top 1% in wealth in the United State, has 10% of the wealth in 1969, 20% of the wealth in 2004, and is projected to have 50% of the wealth in 2016, how long will we continue to vote for its shills?

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: Catnip in Cambridge

Posted on January 19, 2015 by stevieslaw

It was a visiably shaken Smokey Diamond that left Elizabeth Warren’s mansion in Cambridge this morning.  She would only say, “there is no possibility that Cousin Myron will be the Warren’s Vice Presidential running mate in 2016.”

Later, we got the rest of the story from an anonymous source within the Warren campaign.  “Sure, we like Cousin Myron’s politics– what liberal wouldn’t.  But the man has a documented habit of tossing waiters and waitresses through plate glass windows, with only a tiny provocation. Why not just leave a bad tip?  The man has quite a temper.

“But, I think that Warren is quite taken with Smokey.  Elizabeth called her “brilliant in a furry sort of way.”  There is no doubt about the chemistry between them and I feel that Smokey is quite high up on the short list for running mate.”

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: Climate Change Report

Posted on January 17, 2015 by stevieslaw

 

Our local newspaper, the Centre Daily Times, reported today that both NASA and NOAA agreed that 2014 was the warmest year on record.  Here at Stevieslaw, we assume that if the CDT found a place for the article in spite of the big Paterno news, it must have appeared everywhere.

Armed with that information, our intrepid reporter Smokey Diamond, approached Coal Tech University climate denier, Icant C. Clearly, about the report.  Dr. Icant is widely recognized as the author of the study that showed, through a random sampling of residents of Minot, ND, that an increase in temperature of a few degrees “might not be so bad.” Icant quickly went on the offensive, “Smokey, aren’t you at all surprised about the timing of this so-called research summary.  If it weren’t for the liberal media’s insane desire to kill the Keystone Pipeline Project, would this even be news?” he asked.

Smokey had been particularly impressed by the fact that the 10 hottest years in NOAA records had been since 2000, and further by the statistical odds of it being coincidental coming in at some 650 million to 1.  Clearly was not bothered by the statistics.  “Those on the other side, who are well funded by liberal think tanks, would like us to believe that 650 million to 1 are long odds.  The public understands that these odds are really about the same as the odds of winning the Powerball lottery (175 million to one), yet millions of Americans line up to buy tickets every week. “Americans are not fooled,” said Icant. “Week after week they put their money on the line and bet on lady luck.”

“Don’t worry about it, Smokey,” concluded Dr. Icant.  “Mother Earth is just having a run of bad luck. Patience is the cure.”

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: NRA Briefs

Posted on January 16, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: NRA Briefs

Michigan Governor, Rick Snyder, vetoed a bill yesterday that would have allowed people “who faced restraining orders as a result of domestic violence or stalking allegations to obtain guns, as long as their orders didn’t specifically restrict their access to firearms.”  The NRA quickly responded by pointing out that this was another example of national gun ban groups pushing their “extremist agenda.” NRA spokesperson, William Child, said that, “We were forced to hit him with our strongest rebuke–one that has rarely been used.”  From this day on, Governor Snyder will be known as “sissy-man.”

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: Fracking News

Posted on January 16, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Fracking News

The Pennsylvania Environmental Protection Agency released a report today that showed “little potential for direct radiation exposure to the public and workers.”  Spokesperson, Petty Shor, said that “it will be a gosh-darn long time before folks begin to glow in the dark.” When pressed by our intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, about long term build-up in the environment, Mr. Shor would only say, “It is pretty silly to worry about that, since the data we need to test the hypothesis won’t be available until long after too late.”

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , | Leave a comment