Stevieslaw: Ye of Little Faith

Posted on December 9, 2011 by stevieslaw

Smokey Diamond and I learned from the CDT this morning that fracking was responsible for some drinking water pollution in Wyoming. There is nothing to worry about in Pennsylvania, however, as the names of the two States have such very different spellings.
Smokey and I are worried instead about the lack of confidence apparent in the fracking industry. They seem to feel that they will somehow be unable to completely ruin the ground water system in the United States. They say this in spite of the energy industry’s enviable victories in destroying the viability of the oceans and atmosphere and in its large role in baking the earth itself. They seem to believe that the EPA will prevent them from reaching their “don’t drink the water, ever” goal. Come on guys. Consider who you have on payroll to stop the EPA in their tracks. And, major reelections campaigns are just starting up. It would be no fun at all it if some evil, anti-business, government agency didn’t at least try to stop you.
So, buck up. Ruining the environment is what you guys do and, considering the money that will be made from fracking, we believe you can do it again.

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Stevieslaw: What’s Wrong with America

Posted on December 8, 2011 by stevieslaw

Smokey Diamond and I enjoy the local newspaper, the CDT, in spite of the fact that it has very little content—we’ve usually seen the few news items they do run in the New York Times the day before. But there is something about a local paper that evokes memories of an editor—ink stained shirt sleeves rolled up dealing with the likes of Clark Kent, Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen—with colorful but not too colorful language. The office is up on Main Street, isn’t it?
We have been subscribing to the Centre Daily Times for 40 years or so, so it was reasonable for them to turn my account over to a collection agency because my credit card, which had been cancelled and reissued under a different number, was declined. As I recall, they had called once last week as my wife and I were navigating the roads out of Cleveland and I had asked them to please call back. Too difficult I suppose, when turning the small bill over to a collection agency was so much easier.
Frustrating? Yes. But what is more frustrating is my inability to speak to someone on the phone, with some actual interest in the newspaper. When you call you get a service. Dial 1 for, Dial 2 for… By now, we are all aware that the secret to talking to a person, on an automated service, is to hit zero again and again, but you never get the person you really want to speak to.
I want to speak to Perry White. I want to tell Editor White just what I feel my loyalty has earned me. I want to scream at Perry instead of screaming at some poor woman in “whoknowswhere” making minimum wage to people the phones. I can’t. And that is exactly what is wrong with America.

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Stevieslaw: Inhale, Exhale

Posted on December 7, 2011 by stevieslaw

Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, had an asthma attack this morning while reading the local newspaper, the CDT. To tell the truth, Smokey and I hadn’t thought much about Marcellus Shale lately, what with the Sandusky thing and the Republican debates squeezing out any possibility of rational thought. The article reported that the Environmental Protection Agency had criticized the PA Dept. of Environmental Protection for not following federal guidelines for pollution from the Marcellus Shale gas wells. The PADEP was quick to respond. Pat Leon, a DEP spokesperson and President of GasRUs, a Marcellus Shale drilling company, said simply, “This another case in which the EPA is way out of line.” “We are talking about Pennsylvania air—why is this being handled on a National level?” “It’s no wonder that many of the Republican candidates for president want to rid the nation of this rogue agency.”
Marcellus Shale spokesperson, Sylvia Beach, was more candid. “Listen, she said, “The EPA over the course of its existence, has given the American people the false impression that breathing, to obtain oxygen, was some sort of right.” “Where in the constitution is that spelled out?” she asked. “With that assumption, we are ignoring the possibility of a huge, job producing industry made possible by the privatization of breathing.” “Think of the need for personal oxygen tanks and the subsidiary industries that will as a result of them.” “Think for a moment about fashionable oxygen tanks, for example.” she said with a wink. “The Marcellus Shale group represents gas companies,” she said, “And the last time I checked oxygen was a gas.”
And our future might just be, as Tom Lehrer wrote:
Just go out for a breath of air,
And you’ll be ready for medicare.
The city streets are really quite a thrill.
If the hoods don’t get you, the monoxide will.

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Stevieslaw: Contest, Contest, Contest

Posted on December 6, 2011 by stevieslaw

As I’m sure you have all heard by now, first class mail is expected to take even longer to deliver than its current eight or nine days, when the post office initiates its new austerity measures by closing down. Here, at Stevieslaw, we are introducing an exciting contest that seeks to answer the question, “What will you do with your mailbox?” We understand that the answers might be quite different for people who live in cities—where recovering the mailbox space may increase their total apartment square footage by up to a factor or two, to those who live in the countryside—where a likely answer might be to turn the pole mounted box into a vegetable stand.
Send us your answers then in the categories of urban,rural, and suburban. The winner will receive a first class “forever” stamp that shows that the post office is not without irony. Residents should also watch their local newspaper (assuming you are one of the three or four people in the nation still getting a local paper) closely for soon to be announced public meetings on the question of “What do we do with the post office building.” Smokey Diamond and I favor turning the rental mailbox area into a working model of the old “Automats,” of New York City fame. See you there.

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Stevieslaw: Open Me First

Posted on December 5, 2011 by stevieslaw

OPEN ME FIRST: The LAGuide to maximizing your holiday gift pleasure.

The packaging epidemic is in full swing in America. Every thirty seconds someone stays hungry because they cannot open their package of cereal, crackers or chips. In response, our local gym is offering an associate membership that allows you to bring up to five food items a week for them to open. No wonder millions of Americans eat only fast food—the grease lets the meal slide right out of its package.
There is nothing worse than the holiday season for opening and assembling gifts. The sheer number of gifts and the need to enjoy them before the start of the New Year can be staggering. It is estimated that for each million boxed items containing more than one part, no more than two are put together correctly. Late last December, my Cousin Myron—a fire-eating, red-headed, math genius, called and ordered me to his house. When Myron calls, I respond. When I got there, I found him staring at a hermetically sealed box containing, it claimed, a flat screen TV and home theater. Somehow, the package was only the size of a shoe box and had the density of an average black hole. Strewn around Myron were several large knives, a razor, a hacksaw, and what I believe was an acetylene torch. It was cold and drafty. He had thrown a very comfortable arm chair through one of his picturesque, picture windows. Myron was brief. He screamed, “Open the damned thing.”
That is the reason, here at Stevieslaw, we are proud to announce the publication of “Open Me First,” the Less-intelligent-than-average American Guide to opening and assembling your gifts. In the guide, you will learn that:
1. opening the outer box sets the stage for the rest of the ordeal. We will teach you Zen and Yoga meditative principles to get you in the proper frame of mind. A short prescription and over the counter drug list is also included. You will learn to recognize “this side up” in over seventy languages, how to deal with the combination of staples, super glue, reinforced tape and plasticized straps made from a material that holds submarine hulls together. We will thoroughly discuss which sharp tools can be used without voiding your warranty, how not to totally destroy the UPC code which conveniently straddles the box’s opening, and when to take your puncture and infected paper cut wounds to the local emergency room.
2. removing your lovely gift from its package is never easy. We will teach you to avoid the mistake—made by millions—of wondering how will I ever get this back into the package if I have to return it. You can’t. The “gift” has been hammered into its cardboard package by hundreds of elves with very tiny hands and a large hydraulic press. If you need to return the gift, just shovel it and its packaging into your trunk. We note that most of the white beaches around the world are now completely covered with the plastic foam material that encases your gift. Do not break up the foam material no matter how much fun it looks like. In the guide, we will teach you that the electrostatic charge on this material is so strong that you will find little sections of it clinging to your floors, ceilings, clothing, and children forever.
3. identifying the “open me first” envelope, buried now under the mass of gift pieces, and perhaps containing the instruction manual and the set of tools and hardware that comes with all challenging reassembly projects is critical step. The guide will make it clear that it is sometimes easier to learn Korean, Swahili or Vietnamese than to find the section in the instruction manual written in English. You will also learn that two dimensional pictographs of the three dimensional assembly are much, much worse than useless. Sadly, you will not find yourself able to laugh at this. You will learn to move the hardware envelope to a secure and sterile site before attempting to open it. The guide will also include a special section on opening the hardware sleeve. We will teach you to organize the screws, bolts and tools and to recognize that each little piece of what seems like belly button lint is a critical piece of the assembly. The guide will hammer home the important and little known fact that none of the hardware and tools have been made on planet earth. They can not be replaced. Ever.
4. sensing the need for intervention is an indispensable skill. The guide will show you how to recognize the instant at which “this glorious gift,” becomes “this damned thing.” We are sure you will find the section on “cursing like you were born in Brooklyn” as a sign of “assembling your gift overload” invaluable. You will learn, from the guide, who to call and where and how to sit to defume while a deft teenager assembles your white elephant using nearly all the pieces.
The LAguide “Open Me First,” will be available at Stevieslaw for $19.95 on December 15th. A handy kit to extract the guide from its packaging is available for an additional $4.95. A handy kit to extract the handy opening kit for the guide packaging is an additional $1.95.

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Stevieslaw: Cousin Myron Helps the Rich

Posted on December 4, 2011 by stevieslaw

Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, began counting down from 25 as soon as we had both seen the “Modest Bonus Year on Wall St.” headline in today’s New York Times. Cousin Alvin called to complain at 23. Alvin is incredibly rich—having made most of his money as an investment banker while the rest of us were losing ours. Alvin equates financial fortune with intelligence and drives our Cousin Myron—famed for his flaming red hair, his large brain, and his ability to pick the ponies—absolutely crazy.
Alvin was consistent.
“I called Myron,” he said “To point out that my bonus will be as much as 30% lower this year.” “I thought I would get some sympathy from him, but all his would say is—not now, I’m busy.” “Busy planning how best to drive me crazy, no doubt,” he said.
I listened patiently to Alvin complain for the next ten or fifteen minutes without once pointing out, needlessly as Alvin certainly knew, that the bonuses this year would be in hugely deflated bank stock and that once the market came back Alvin and his colleagues would be back on track for their normal zillion dollar year-end bonus.
When I called Myron later that day to ask about lunch at our special deli—the one with the fabulous corned beef, he would only say, “Not now, I’m busy.”
Myron called back later, however, to announce, “I got my honorary degree.”
“In what,” I asked.
“In psychoanalysis of course.” “Haven’t you been paying attention to the news out of Wall Street?”
“My specialty, he said, Is the problem of delayed gratification,”
“But you’ve always said that psychoanalysis is hooey.” I reminded him.
“Still do,” he said “But, I am opening my Wall Street office tomorrow.” “I am going to have so much fun.”
“Meet me for lunch, tomorrow,” he said. “I found an Italian place with incredible veal parmesan.” “It’s not in Little Italy so no one has heard of it yet.”
It turns out that Myron couldn’t make it for lunch. I had to get him a veal sandwich and bring it back to his office from someplace too far uptown. Turns out he planned it perfectly, as there was a line outside his door that went clear around the block. On it were well dressed men and women whose plans for another house in Maui or Provence, a yacht or a private jet were sure to be delayed. And, although the bankers in line looked incredible stressed and sad, I do not believe the occupy Wall Street crowd, congregated on the opposite side of the street would ever find it in their hearts to sympathize.

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Stevieslaw: Live for Greatness

Posted on December 3, 2011 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Live for Greatness
Our local newspaper, the Centre Daily Times, has done it once again. They have a single page for National news—in fact, they have only a single page for any news not concerning, in one way or another, the Sandusky scandal. The only article is one about the House GOP and their difficulty in signing on to a continuation of the payroll tax. You know the argument I’m sure. On the one hand, a continuation would be a reduction in taxes—a good thing. But on the other hand, “Che” Obama wants to pay for it by taxing millionaires—a non-starter for Republican millionaire fans. There is also the ever present possibility that helping the country recover from a recession will help “Fidel” Obama’s reelection chances.

There is a small ad for church worship next to the payroll tax article, but occupying three quarters of the page is a local jewelry store’s ad for a Rolex watch, with the caption “Live for Greatness.” Here at Stevieslaw, we could not ever have said it any better. To the Republican crowd we have somehow elected to represent us, greatness is not defined by a government that cares for the sick and poor, rebuilds our infrastructure to provide jobs and plans for a better America. Greatness is defined by one’s ability to own a Rolex watch.

Doesn’t that make you wish you had actually voted?

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Stevieslaw: Dear Abby, Dear Abby

Posted on November 25, 2011 by stevieslaw

Here at Stevieslaw, breakfast with the morning paper is still a mainstay of our existence. Our local paper, the CDT is not much. And since we are not an optimistic bunch in Central PA, it is not surprising that all the articles which pass for news, are set up either as things are bad—but they will get worse, or things are good—but that can’t last.
We always have the comics, the suduko and the sometimes intelligible bridge column by the former star player. But the best items for me, for as long as I can remember, are the horoscope and Dear Abby. I love sharing a fortune with 30 million or so of my fellow countryman, especially one that advises me that being kind today will be helpful, or that I will spend some time with someone special. Thirty million of us spending the day being kind—that’s good, but of course it will get worse. And while Dear Abby, no matter which Abby is currently writing the column, is often lame, it is sometimes funny as hell. Last week, we had a husband write in who had found a hickey on his wife’s chest, after she returned from an out-of-town business trip. His wife agreed to take a lie detector test and the guy wanted to know how to arrange it. I was thinking that maybe he could get a coupon for multiple sessions? Say once a week, forever. But my favorite was a letter from a “religious” woman who was sure she would go to heaven, but dreaded having to spend eternity with her parents and family members. I can imagine snippets from her after life experience…Flight to heaven delayed for several days now, had to camp out on plastic chairs and eat lukewarm pizza: flight is awful—turbulence, an overweight woman sitting next to me who can’t stop talking about tunnels and bright lights and they don’t even serve peanuts on the trip: whew, no relatives here except for my uncle Tommy—the one who used to torture cats: and, the last entry—sure is hot here in heaven.
John Prine did a song for Abby years ago. It is just as funny today as it was then. Here it is:
Dear abby, dear abby …
My feet are too long
My hair’s falling out and my rights are all wrong
My friends they all tell me that I’ve no friends at all
Won’t you write me a letter, won’t you give me a call
Signed bewildered

Bewildered, bewildered…

Chorus:
You have no complaint
You are what your are and you ain’t what you ain’t
So listen up buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/john+prine/dear+abby_20074810.html ]
Dear abby, dear abby…
My fountain pen leaks
My wife hollers at me and my kids are all freaks
Every side I get up on is the wrong side of bed
If it weren’t so expensive I’d wish I were dead
Signed unhappy

Unhappy, unhappy…

Repeat chorus

Dear abby, dear abby…
You won’t believe this
But my stomach makes noises whenever I kiss
My girlfriend tells me it’s all in my head
But my stomach tells me to write you instead
Signed noise-maker

Noise-maker, noise-maker

Repeat chorus

Dear abby, dear abby…
Well I never thought
That me and my girlfriend would ever get caught
We were sitting in the back seat just shooting the breeze
With her hair up in curlers and her pants to her knees
Signed just married

Just married, just married…

Repeat chorus

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Stevieslaw: Headlines-Millionaires to stay warm this winter

Posted on November 24, 2011 by stevieslaw

Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, woke this Thanksgiving morning to find the lead article in the Centre Daily Times headlined “Heating Aid Funds Cut.” The article went on to describe how a 50% cut in the federal Low Income Home Energy Assistance Program would affect the ability of the poor—or as the tea partiers call them— the morally defective, to heat their homes.
Smokey talked to Ima Fine, the spokesperson for the Republican Congressional Caucus, a bit later. She told him, “The problem is in the headline.” “Happy news should be emphasized, so that perhaps the headline should have read “Millionaires to Stay Warm this Winter.” “Now, doesn’t that make you feel better.” “Moreover, “we in the Republican Caucus firmly believe that global warming will mitigate any heating crisis this year,” she said with a warm smile. “It’s the reason we have been so opposed to any sort of pollution standards.”
Happy Thanksgiving. Stay Warm.

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Stevieslaw: That’s the Way the Cookie Crumbles

Posted on November 22, 2011 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: That’s the Way the Cookie Crumbles
Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter and office optimist, had an epiphany this week. “Everything,” she said, “Is going to crap.” “I dare you,” she hissed, “To find one critical issue in which things are moving in the right direction.” “The economy, the environment, the schools, the health care system…you name it, our responses stink.”
“There is only one thing left to do,” she concluded. “Adopt a motto.” So, here at Stevieslaw, our response to any new failure, at any level, will be: “Sic Biscuitus Disintegratum.” Read about the new study that shows that global warming is worse than we thought—sic biscuitus disintegratum. Super Committee let you down, sic biscuitus disintegratum.
To help you with your new motto—and new attitude—Stevieslaw is proud to offer a new line of tees and sweats emblazoned with your answer to the world’s injustices. Order large quantities, for as you might expect, they will shrink up to nothing after one wash—sic biscuitus disintegratum—an appropriate motto in a world in which the rich get richer, the poor get poorer, and increasingly, the middle class get only the crumbs.

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