Stevieslaw: Who’s on First?

Posted on December 22, 2011 by stevieslaw

Picture John Boehner and Eric Cantor discussing the payroll tax bill vote. Perhaps, it went something like this.
EC: Yes. We get to stick it to Obama again.
JB: No, it is then.
EC: No? You don’t want to stick it to Obama.
JB: Yes. Of course I do. So no it is then.
EC: Yes, you mean no? No disrespect, but you’ve been under a lot of pressure this year John. Are you okay?
JB: No—I have heartburn from lunch. But, in general, yes.
EC: Yes? I thought we had settled on no, both here and in the senate. The yes most certainly should have been no.
JB: I agree. No, to the burritos.
EC: The vote John. Let’s talk about the vote. No?
JB: Yes? Of course.
EC: Yes? I thought we decided no.
JB : Yes, it’s no then.
EC: Yes.
JB: You mean no?
EC: Get out of my sight, John.
JB: No!
EC: Yes!
EC: Now!
JB: Yes?
EC: No. No. No.
and so they voted.

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: A Tea Party Endorsed Christmas Carol

Posted on December 21, 2011 by stevieslaw

The House Republican Caucus announced today that they will perform “A Tea Party Christmas Carol,” for contributors on the Mall this Saturday night. The production will be directed by John Boehner. Starring as Scrooge will be the versatile Eric Cantor, who candidly admits, “except for my performances in the House and with the Media, I have not acted since High School.” Eric says that in the play, “Scrooge wavers in his belief that the “one-percenters”, as job producers, should not be made to pay for anything.” To convince him of the error of his ways, Scrooge is visited by four ghosts on Christmas Eve. In the Tea Party version, however, Scrooge is not visited by his decreased partner, Jacob Marley, but by the ghost of Ayn Rand— and here, we have been told, unofficially, she is to be played by the great Sara Palin. Ghosts of the past, present and future are replaced, in the production, by three robber barons (actors are to be announced, but rumor has it all three parts are to be played by Glenn Beck). Boehner guaranteed that the part of the inept and inefficient, Bob Crachit, will be played by Barack Obama, while his crippled son, Tiny Tim, will be played by Harry Reid. Although spokesmen for Obama and Reid have both denied that they will act in the production, Boehner assures us that “they will play their parts.”
Fox News is already calling the production “A triumph of American ingenuity—a capitalist manifesto,” although they do admit to not having seen it yet. Fox also advises that you bring lots of tissues to the production on Saturday night as, “in spite of the best efforts of compassionate conservatism, Tiny Tim cannot be saved.”

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: Congress Plans Environmentally Sensitive Bill

Posted on December 17, 2011 by stevieslaw

Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, heard today from Republican Congressional Caucus Spokesperson, Stromand Drung. He told Smokey, and you heard it here on Stevieslaw first, that their delegation—always known for their sensitivity to the environment, was taking the lead in a new environmental issue, the renaming of the permafrost. “We have learned,” Stro said, “that using the root perma will no longer be appropriate. We had hoped to rename it “foreverfrost” but apparently that will not fly either.” “But,” Dr. Drung continued, “There is good news as well. The melting of the whateverfrost will release enormous quantities of carbon dioxide and methane into the atmosphere—so much bad gas that soon it won’t be reasonable to blame man for the warming of the planet.” “And that, if you recall, is what we have been telling you all along,” he said with a smile.

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , , , , , | 21 Comments

Stevieslaw Newsbriefs You May Have Missed: Saving Planet RY-N.

Posted on December 12, 2011 by stevieslaw

News from Johannesburg has most climate scientists and environmentalists decrying the results of the recent global climate conference. As Alden Meyers of the Union of Concerned Scientists noted, “… we did very little to affect the emissions curve which is accelerating, and the impacts of climate change which are climbing day by day.” Not all climate scientists are upset about the results of the meeting, however, as Smokey Diamond—our intrepid reporter—has learned. Hymie Manush, speaking for the group SPRY, says that one of the problems for scientists is predicting the “tipping point”— the point of irreversible damage for planet Earth. “This has inhibited our calculations,” Hymie noted, “And, by doing nothing now we eliminate several nasty sink terms from our equations which will allow us to better calculate environmental damage in the future.” “Face it,” said Manush, “Earth is cooked.” “You’ve seen the group running the US Senate and House of Representatives, for example.” “Hoping that they will be able to accomplish anything useful ever has the same probability for success as knocking on wood,” continued Hyman—surreptitiously knocking on wood.” “It’s much better we feel to plan on saving the next planet we inhabit—the best current guess is planet RY-N.” Let’s save that.
In totally unrelated news, Stevieslaw is happy to report the end of the “Rick” and “Scott” era in American politics. “The only thing that could revive the era of short, catchy first names is the nomination of Rick Santorum which we hope to hell is not possible. We face an election between Barack and Mitt or Newt and that is refreshing—although certainly Colonel Cathcart (see, Catch 22) would not be pleased.

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: Political Cynicism: A Gut Check

Posted on December 10, 2011 by stevieslaw

Our local newspaper, the CDT, was on top of things once again in reporting that the Tom (straight-shooter) Corbett campaign was accepting contributions from the Second Mile Foundation members while he was investigating them as part of the Sandusky mess.

This is the sort of thing that breeds political cynicism. To counter this, our intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, got in touch with corpsarepeopletoo.com spokesperson, Peter Watts, to try and ferret out some good news about campaign contributions. You will all be happy to hear that Peter was able to provide us with some. “It turns out,” Peter said with a smile, “that no American candidate in 2010 accepted money from the “Honor Pol Pot Foundation.” Pol Pot, as you may recall, was the Cambodian leader who did away with about 20% of his people while the world watched. Smokey, always the keen investigative reporter asked Mr. Watts, “Why?” “It could only be,” replied Peter, That the foundation had no money to offer.”

Feel better now?

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: Ye of Little Faith

Posted on December 9, 2011 by stevieslaw

Smokey Diamond and I learned from the CDT this morning that fracking was responsible for some drinking water pollution in Wyoming. There is nothing to worry about in Pennsylvania, however, as the names of the two States have such very different spellings.
Smokey and I are worried instead about the lack of confidence apparent in the fracking industry. They seem to feel that they will somehow be unable to completely ruin the ground water system in the United States. They say this in spite of the energy industry’s enviable victories in destroying the viability of the oceans and atmosphere and in its large role in baking the earth itself. They seem to believe that the EPA will prevent them from reaching their “don’t drink the water, ever” goal. Come on guys. Consider who you have on payroll to stop the EPA in their tracks. And, major reelections campaigns are just starting up. It would be no fun at all it if some evil, anti-business, government agency didn’t at least try to stop you.
So, buck up. Ruining the environment is what you guys do and, considering the money that will be made from fracking, we believe you can do it again.

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

Stevieslaw: What’s Wrong with America

Posted on December 8, 2011 by stevieslaw

Smokey Diamond and I enjoy the local newspaper, the CDT, in spite of the fact that it has very little content—we’ve usually seen the few news items they do run in the New York Times the day before. But there is something about a local paper that evokes memories of an editor—ink stained shirt sleeves rolled up dealing with the likes of Clark Kent, Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen—with colorful but not too colorful language. The office is up on Main Street, isn’t it?
We have been subscribing to the Centre Daily Times for 40 years or so, so it was reasonable for them to turn my account over to a collection agency because my credit card, which had been cancelled and reissued under a different number, was declined. As I recall, they had called once last week as my wife and I were navigating the roads out of Cleveland and I had asked them to please call back. Too difficult I suppose, when turning the small bill over to a collection agency was so much easier.
Frustrating? Yes. But what is more frustrating is my inability to speak to someone on the phone, with some actual interest in the newspaper. When you call you get a service. Dial 1 for, Dial 2 for… By now, we are all aware that the secret to talking to a person, on an automated service, is to hit zero again and again, but you never get the person you really want to speak to.
I want to speak to Perry White. I want to tell Editor White just what I feel my loyalty has earned me. I want to scream at Perry instead of screaming at some poor woman in “whoknowswhere” making minimum wage to people the phones. I can’t. And that is exactly what is wrong with America.

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Stevieslaw: Inhale, Exhale

Posted on December 7, 2011 by stevieslaw

Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, had an asthma attack this morning while reading the local newspaper, the CDT. To tell the truth, Smokey and I hadn’t thought much about Marcellus Shale lately, what with the Sandusky thing and the Republican debates squeezing out any possibility of rational thought. The article reported that the Environmental Protection Agency had criticized the PA Dept. of Environmental Protection for not following federal guidelines for pollution from the Marcellus Shale gas wells. The PADEP was quick to respond. Pat Leon, a DEP spokesperson and President of GasRUs, a Marcellus Shale drilling company, said simply, “This another case in which the EPA is way out of line.” “We are talking about Pennsylvania air—why is this being handled on a National level?” “It’s no wonder that many of the Republican candidates for president want to rid the nation of this rogue agency.”
Marcellus Shale spokesperson, Sylvia Beach, was more candid. “Listen, she said, “The EPA over the course of its existence, has given the American people the false impression that breathing, to obtain oxygen, was some sort of right.” “Where in the constitution is that spelled out?” she asked. “With that assumption, we are ignoring the possibility of a huge, job producing industry made possible by the privatization of breathing.” “Think of the need for personal oxygen tanks and the subsidiary industries that will as a result of them.” “Think for a moment about fashionable oxygen tanks, for example.” she said with a wink. “The Marcellus Shale group represents gas companies,” she said, “And the last time I checked oxygen was a gas.”
And our future might just be, as Tom Lehrer wrote:
Just go out for a breath of air,
And you’ll be ready for medicare.
The city streets are really quite a thrill.
If the hoods don’t get you, the monoxide will.

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , , | 11 Comments

Stevieslaw: Contest, Contest, Contest

Posted on December 6, 2011 by stevieslaw

As I’m sure you have all heard by now, first class mail is expected to take even longer to deliver than its current eight or nine days, when the post office initiates its new austerity measures by closing down. Here, at Stevieslaw, we are introducing an exciting contest that seeks to answer the question, “What will you do with your mailbox?” We understand that the answers might be quite different for people who live in cities—where recovering the mailbox space may increase their total apartment square footage by up to a factor or two, to those who live in the countryside—where a likely answer might be to turn the pole mounted box into a vegetable stand.
Send us your answers then in the categories of urban,rural, and suburban. The winner will receive a first class “forever” stamp that shows that the post office is not without irony. Residents should also watch their local newspaper (assuming you are one of the three or four people in the nation still getting a local paper) closely for soon to be announced public meetings on the question of “What do we do with the post office building.” Smokey Diamond and I favor turning the rental mailbox area into a working model of the old “Automats,” of New York City fame. See you there.

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

Stevieslaw: Open Me First

Posted on December 5, 2011 by stevieslaw

OPEN ME FIRST: The LAGuide to maximizing your holiday gift pleasure.

The packaging epidemic is in full swing in America. Every thirty seconds someone stays hungry because they cannot open their package of cereal, crackers or chips. In response, our local gym is offering an associate membership that allows you to bring up to five food items a week for them to open. No wonder millions of Americans eat only fast food—the grease lets the meal slide right out of its package.
There is nothing worse than the holiday season for opening and assembling gifts. The sheer number of gifts and the need to enjoy them before the start of the New Year can be staggering. It is estimated that for each million boxed items containing more than one part, no more than two are put together correctly. Late last December, my Cousin Myron—a fire-eating, red-headed, math genius, called and ordered me to his house. When Myron calls, I respond. When I got there, I found him staring at a hermetically sealed box containing, it claimed, a flat screen TV and home theater. Somehow, the package was only the size of a shoe box and had the density of an average black hole. Strewn around Myron were several large knives, a razor, a hacksaw, and what I believe was an acetylene torch. It was cold and drafty. He had thrown a very comfortable arm chair through one of his picturesque, picture windows. Myron was brief. He screamed, “Open the damned thing.”
That is the reason, here at Stevieslaw, we are proud to announce the publication of “Open Me First,” the Less-intelligent-than-average American Guide to opening and assembling your gifts. In the guide, you will learn that:
1. opening the outer box sets the stage for the rest of the ordeal. We will teach you Zen and Yoga meditative principles to get you in the proper frame of mind. A short prescription and over the counter drug list is also included. You will learn to recognize “this side up” in over seventy languages, how to deal with the combination of staples, super glue, reinforced tape and plasticized straps made from a material that holds submarine hulls together. We will thoroughly discuss which sharp tools can be used without voiding your warranty, how not to totally destroy the UPC code which conveniently straddles the box’s opening, and when to take your puncture and infected paper cut wounds to the local emergency room.
2. removing your lovely gift from its package is never easy. We will teach you to avoid the mistake—made by millions—of wondering how will I ever get this back into the package if I have to return it. You can’t. The “gift” has been hammered into its cardboard package by hundreds of elves with very tiny hands and a large hydraulic press. If you need to return the gift, just shovel it and its packaging into your trunk. We note that most of the white beaches around the world are now completely covered with the plastic foam material that encases your gift. Do not break up the foam material no matter how much fun it looks like. In the guide, we will teach you that the electrostatic charge on this material is so strong that you will find little sections of it clinging to your floors, ceilings, clothing, and children forever.
3. identifying the “open me first” envelope, buried now under the mass of gift pieces, and perhaps containing the instruction manual and the set of tools and hardware that comes with all challenging reassembly projects is critical step. The guide will make it clear that it is sometimes easier to learn Korean, Swahili or Vietnamese than to find the section in the instruction manual written in English. You will also learn that two dimensional pictographs of the three dimensional assembly are much, much worse than useless. Sadly, you will not find yourself able to laugh at this. You will learn to move the hardware envelope to a secure and sterile site before attempting to open it. The guide will also include a special section on opening the hardware sleeve. We will teach you to organize the screws, bolts and tools and to recognize that each little piece of what seems like belly button lint is a critical piece of the assembly. The guide will hammer home the important and little known fact that none of the hardware and tools have been made on planet earth. They can not be replaced. Ever.
4. sensing the need for intervention is an indispensable skill. The guide will show you how to recognize the instant at which “this glorious gift,” becomes “this damned thing.” We are sure you will find the section on “cursing like you were born in Brooklyn” as a sign of “assembling your gift overload” invaluable. You will learn, from the guide, who to call and where and how to sit to defume while a deft teenager assembles your white elephant using nearly all the pieces.
The LAguide “Open Me First,” will be available at Stevieslaw for $19.95 on December 15th. A handy kit to extract the guide from its packaging is available for an additional $4.95. A handy kit to extract the handy opening kit for the guide packaging is an additional $1.95.

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , , , | 4 Comments