Stevieslaw: Moon Bases at Risk

Posted on February 18, 2012 by stevieslaw

Moon Bases at Risk
House Republicans asked Barack Obama today to explain his plan for reducing the U.S. nuclear arsenal. The President had first announced the plan in 2009. Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter was down like a shot to interview the House Republican Spokesperson, Donas K. Meey. Donas said, “This is consistent with this President’s attempts to cut military spending and put America in a vulnerable position in a dangerous world.” “What about the Iranians?” she stammered angrily.
Smokey pointed out that a 2009 study had estimated that with the current size of the U.S. arsenal, we could afford to detonate roughly 11 H-bombs over each of the 200 largest cities on the planet. “Short-sighted,” countered Donnas. “Suppose we do follow through on the Gingrich plan to build a civilization on the moon,” What’s the point of building cities there if we don’t have the ability to destroy them as well? Suppose they are captured by the Chinese, the Iranians or for that matter by crazed feminists.” “A President needs to think ahead,” she said sagely, “and we will need more weapons for the moon, Mars and beyond.” “We must be able to protect our space bases, after the Russians ferry us up to them.”

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Stevieslaw: My Voices column for February

Posted on February 4, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: So You Think You Have Talent.
Smokey Diamond and I were sitting at the local University Starbucks last Wednesday morning discussing Nietzsche’s Ubermensch and how the concept might apply to the future Republican Presidential Candidate—-be it Mitt Romney or Newt Gingrich or, for that matter, Michelle Bachmann.
The wager was that whichever one of us broke up and sprayed coffee through our nose first, paid for snacks.
At the table behind us, a group of four was discussing with some solemnity the loss of Chris, as opposed to Mitch, Marge or Phillip, on the TV Reality Show—-So You Think You Can Yodel.
The people at the table in front of us were busy discussing the proposed merger of American Idol with Project Runway, vis-à-vis the future of fashion- able music. And although Smokey and I could be said to have little idea of what we were talking about, it seemed to us, that ours was the least bizarre of the three conversations.
Welcome to America in the 2010’s, where reality TV is boss. A recent study found that Americans are watching 42
No wonder the birthrate in America is dropping like a rock—-although people are certainly watching, “So You Think You Can Get Pregnant,” on Fox.
Clearly, if it weren’t for the sale of big screen TV’s and television service, we would have no economy at all.
There are problems ahead, however, associated primarily with the answers to the twin question of how can you keep up with reality and how can you plan ahead for it.
Therefore, we are as pleased as Matthew on “So You Think you have Good News (8PM Tuesdays on ABC),” to announce the Less-Intelligent-than- average American Guide to the future of reality TV—-“So you think you have talent
In the Guide, you will first learn some reality history.
Did you know, for example, that Ray Bradbury believes he will never be able to atone for his novel “Fahrenheit 451,” a book often credited with the birth of reality television?
He often says as much as the host of the popular you-are-going-to-hell show, “So you think you are hot now (1a.m. Weds on ESPN2).”
In LAG you- will learn that, although the “whole” life shows will continue with titles like “Real Husbands of Topeka,” and an exciting new “cousins”
Photo by Steve Deutsch Steve Deutsch in his original native habitat of
New York City.
series-you won’t believe the insights produced by the show “My sister-in- laws second cousin was Barack Obama’s barber.”
Most new shows will highlight Talent (yes, with a capital T). Here are just a few of the hundreds discussed by LAG in incredible detail:
So You Think You Are Charming—-in which contestants will vie for the title of “Snake Charmer Extraordinaire,” with guest appearances by Bernie Madoff, Donald Trump and Karl Rove. Trust us, the auditions for this show, involving hundreds of “wannabes,” cobras and cameras, is mind blowing. Will there even be a winner?
So You Think You Are Decisive—-in which carefully chosen contestants will take to sea in command of a “boomer” submarine armed with multiple nuclear tipped missiles. What will they do when the command to fire—-real or imagi- nary—-comes in? Will the final con- testants choke and mistake the code for Tehran with the one for Islamabad? How many Americans will know the
difference? Hunker down in your bunker and watch them live on the DIY network.
So You Think You Can Fly—-in which completely untrained contestants will vie for the chance to fly a fully loaded passenger aircraft from Chicago to Osaka. Sully Sullenberger and the former head of the FAA Randy Babbitt will judge (think good judge, inebriated judge), as the flights get longer and more technically difficult.
In one episode, the contestants even try to get in and out of Philadelphia International Airport—-a task most experienced pilots refuse to attempt. And get this, at no time during the flights will the passengers be told that their flight captain is completely unqualified to fly the aircraft. Best book your flight insurance now!
Finally, the guide will be the first to inform you (and this is quite a sneak preview here) that the entire 2012 Presidential Campaign and Election will be run as the reality show, “So You Think You Can Govern**.”
Just imagine—-campaign contribu- tions and countless attack ads will soon become a thing of the past. Lobbyists will lose much of their influence.
The candidates will be asked probing questions by a team of responsible jour- nalists—-chosen from all political stripes—-about foreign and domestic affairs, the military, the economy, and the social safety net, while as many as two hundred million Americans look avidly on.
On several of the shows, viewer ques- tions will be entertained.
And on Election Day, we estimate that fully 96 percent of eligible American voters will cast their votes by phone or on the internet to elect the next presi- dent.
Stay ahead of the future of reality. Buy your guide today. Only $19.95 wherever LAG guides are sold.
**Just kidding about this one. No such show is planned.

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Stevieslaw: Bad Robot

Posted on January 30, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Bad Robot
Obama campaign spokesperson, Dr. T. Ickes, offered a suggestion for all of the President’s supporters. Smokey managed a grin when she heard about it, for as she said, “it took me back to all those hours I spent watching the TV show Lost.” Perhaps you remember the show as well, but Dr. Ickes was most interested in what happened at the end of the show. “The production company had a little robot come rolling out to the announcement—bad robot.” “We are suggesting that all Obama supporters say, when faced with a Romney commercial, a Romney speech, or even a stray thought about Romney, “bad robot” loudly and clearly. Imagine 10 people on a bus or train or in the lobby of a theatre, uttering—nearly simultaneously—“bad robot” with obvious reference to the Republican candidate. “With luck, said the good doctor, we can have the whole country laughing at even the thought of Romney by Election Day.”
Bad robot.

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Stevieslaw: The Unofficial Campaign Songs of 2012

Posted on January 10, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: The Unofficial Campaign Songs of 2012
Who could ever forget the amazing feeling of great joy and hope that we all felt when John McCain came into the room with the band blaring in the background that historically American tune:
Who is the tall dark stranger there,
Maverick is the name.
Riding the trail from who knows where,
Palin his companion, politics his game.
So, Smokey Diamond—our intrepid reporter, and I were hanging around at Stevieslaw headquarters idly trying to place songs with Republican candidates. Some are easy. Who could argue with “He was a one-eyed, one horned flying purple people eater,” as Ron Paul walks in, or the tremulous strains of a pregnant or dying (or pregnant and dying) woman (or women) hauntingly singing, “I know a heartache when I see one,” as The Newt waddles in. Mitt Romney and his staff walking in to “to the march of the wooden soldiers,” could only generate nods of approval, from those not already asleep. It’s got to be Bach for Santorum, subtly and stubbornly off key. For Perry—I like the little known tune, “How can I miss you I you won’t go away,” by the Huntingtons. And sadly, when Huntsman walks into a room, there is no music.
Come up with your own list—it’s hours of fun.

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Stevieslaw: Then Came Santorum

Posted on January 3, 2012 by stevieslaw

The Iowa caucus is threatening to make a contender out of Rick Santorum, and the word Smokey and I had in the offices of Stevieslaw—publisher of the Less-intelligent-than-average American Guide series—is that Route 219 up to the New York State border is packed with Pennsylvanians trying desperately to make it to Canada before they close the border. As you might recall, Santorum was actually a senator from Pennsylvania.

Smokey Diamond went up to Bradford, PA to investigate. He interviewed, among others, Marvin Schlosser, who was fleeing with his wife and two children. Marvin thoughts seemed to sum up the thinking of the future Canadians reasonably well. “He looks almost normal,” Marvin said of Santorum.” “I mean he is crazy as a loon, of course, but he looks almost normal.” Perry looks like he should be at a bar drinking a beer, scratching his underarms and trying to figure out how to put his baseball cap on his head. Bachmann and, certainly, Paul, don’t quite look like members of the human race, and when I see the Newt I always have to check to make sure my wallet is still in my pocket.”Certainly, when you look at Romney, you first wonder why anyone would make a dishonest robot and then, does it run on batteries?”

“Santorum looks almost normal and in this country today that means he might win.” “We figure it is best to clear out now, before he is elected and the witch hunts begin.”

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Stevieslaw: Who’s on First?

Posted on December 22, 2011 by stevieslaw

Picture John Boehner and Eric Cantor discussing the payroll tax bill vote. Perhaps, it went something like this.
EC: Yes. We get to stick it to Obama again.
JB: No, it is then.
EC: No? You don’t want to stick it to Obama.
JB: Yes. Of course I do. So no it is then.
EC: Yes, you mean no? No disrespect, but you’ve been under a lot of pressure this year John. Are you okay?
JB: No—I have heartburn from lunch. But, in general, yes.
EC: Yes? I thought we had settled on no, both here and in the senate. The yes most certainly should have been no.
JB: I agree. No, to the burritos.
EC: The vote John. Let’s talk about the vote. No?
JB: Yes? Of course.
EC: Yes? I thought we decided no.
JB : Yes, it’s no then.
EC: Yes.
JB: You mean no?
EC: Get out of my sight, John.
JB: No!
EC: Yes!
EC: Now!
JB: Yes?
EC: No. No. No.
and so they voted.

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Stevieslaw: A Tea Party Endorsed Christmas Carol

Posted on December 21, 2011 by stevieslaw

The House Republican Caucus announced today that they will perform “A Tea Party Christmas Carol,” for contributors on the Mall this Saturday night. The production will be directed by John Boehner. Starring as Scrooge will be the versatile Eric Cantor, who candidly admits, “except for my performances in the House and with the Media, I have not acted since High School.” Eric says that in the play, “Scrooge wavers in his belief that the “one-percenters”, as job producers, should not be made to pay for anything.” To convince him of the error of his ways, Scrooge is visited by four ghosts on Christmas Eve. In the Tea Party version, however, Scrooge is not visited by his decreased partner, Jacob Marley, but by the ghost of Ayn Rand— and here, we have been told, unofficially, she is to be played by the great Sara Palin. Ghosts of the past, present and future are replaced, in the production, by three robber barons (actors are to be announced, but rumor has it all three parts are to be played by Glenn Beck). Boehner guaranteed that the part of the inept and inefficient, Bob Crachit, will be played by Barack Obama, while his crippled son, Tiny Tim, will be played by Harry Reid. Although spokesmen for Obama and Reid have both denied that they will act in the production, Boehner assures us that “they will play their parts.”
Fox News is already calling the production “A triumph of American ingenuity—a capitalist manifesto,” although they do admit to not having seen it yet. Fox also advises that you bring lots of tissues to the production on Saturday night as, “in spite of the best efforts of compassionate conservatism, Tiny Tim cannot be saved.”

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Stevieslaw: Congress Plans Environmentally Sensitive Bill

Posted on December 17, 2011 by stevieslaw

Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, heard today from Republican Congressional Caucus Spokesperson, Stromand Drung. He told Smokey, and you heard it here on Stevieslaw first, that their delegation—always known for their sensitivity to the environment, was taking the lead in a new environmental issue, the renaming of the permafrost. “We have learned,” Stro said, “that using the root perma will no longer be appropriate. We had hoped to rename it “foreverfrost” but apparently that will not fly either.” “But,” Dr. Drung continued, “There is good news as well. The melting of the whateverfrost will release enormous quantities of carbon dioxide and methane into the atmosphere—so much bad gas that soon it won’t be reasonable to blame man for the warming of the planet.” “And that, if you recall, is what we have been telling you all along,” he said with a smile.

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Stevieslaw Newsbriefs You May Have Missed: Saving Planet RY-N.

Posted on December 12, 2011 by stevieslaw

News from Johannesburg has most climate scientists and environmentalists decrying the results of the recent global climate conference. As Alden Meyers of the Union of Concerned Scientists noted, “… we did very little to affect the emissions curve which is accelerating, and the impacts of climate change which are climbing day by day.” Not all climate scientists are upset about the results of the meeting, however, as Smokey Diamond—our intrepid reporter—has learned. Hymie Manush, speaking for the group SPRY, says that one of the problems for scientists is predicting the “tipping point”— the point of irreversible damage for planet Earth. “This has inhibited our calculations,” Hymie noted, “And, by doing nothing now we eliminate several nasty sink terms from our equations which will allow us to better calculate environmental damage in the future.” “Face it,” said Manush, “Earth is cooked.” “You’ve seen the group running the US Senate and House of Representatives, for example.” “Hoping that they will be able to accomplish anything useful ever has the same probability for success as knocking on wood,” continued Hyman—surreptitiously knocking on wood.” “It’s much better we feel to plan on saving the next planet we inhabit—the best current guess is planet RY-N.” Let’s save that.
In totally unrelated news, Stevieslaw is happy to report the end of the “Rick” and “Scott” era in American politics. “The only thing that could revive the era of short, catchy first names is the nomination of Rick Santorum which we hope to hell is not possible. We face an election between Barack and Mitt or Newt and that is refreshing—although certainly Colonel Cathcart (see, Catch 22) would not be pleased.

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Stevieslaw: Political Cynicism: A Gut Check

Posted on December 10, 2011 by stevieslaw

Our local newspaper, the CDT, was on top of things once again in reporting that the Tom (straight-shooter) Corbett campaign was accepting contributions from the Second Mile Foundation members while he was investigating them as part of the Sandusky mess.

This is the sort of thing that breeds political cynicism. To counter this, our intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, got in touch with corpsarepeopletoo.com spokesperson, Peter Watts, to try and ferret out some good news about campaign contributions. You will all be happy to hear that Peter was able to provide us with some. “It turns out,” Peter said with a smile, “that no American candidate in 2010 accepted money from the “Honor Pol Pot Foundation.” Pol Pot, as you may recall, was the Cambodian leader who did away with about 20% of his people while the world watched. Smokey, always the keen investigative reporter asked Mr. Watts, “Why?” “It could only be,” replied Peter, That the foundation had no money to offer.”

Feel better now?

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