Stevieslaw: Contest, Contest, Contest

Posted on December 6, 2011 by stevieslaw

As I’m sure you have all heard by now, first class mail is expected to take even longer to deliver than its current eight or nine days, when the post office initiates its new austerity measures by closing down. Here, at Stevieslaw, we are introducing an exciting contest that seeks to answer the question, “What will you do with your mailbox?” We understand that the answers might be quite different for people who live in cities—where recovering the mailbox space may increase their total apartment square footage by up to a factor or two, to those who live in the countryside—where a likely answer might be to turn the pole mounted box into a vegetable stand.
Send us your answers then in the categories of urban,rural, and suburban. The winner will receive a first class “forever” stamp that shows that the post office is not without irony. Residents should also watch their local newspaper (assuming you are one of the three or four people in the nation still getting a local paper) closely for soon to be announced public meetings on the question of “What do we do with the post office building.” Smokey Diamond and I favor turning the rental mailbox area into a working model of the old “Automats,” of New York City fame. See you there.

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Stevieslaw: Open Me First

Posted on December 5, 2011 by stevieslaw

OPEN ME FIRST: The LAGuide to maximizing your holiday gift pleasure.

The packaging epidemic is in full swing in America. Every thirty seconds someone stays hungry because they cannot open their package of cereal, crackers or chips. In response, our local gym is offering an associate membership that allows you to bring up to five food items a week for them to open. No wonder millions of Americans eat only fast food—the grease lets the meal slide right out of its package.
There is nothing worse than the holiday season for opening and assembling gifts. The sheer number of gifts and the need to enjoy them before the start of the New Year can be staggering. It is estimated that for each million boxed items containing more than one part, no more than two are put together correctly. Late last December, my Cousin Myron—a fire-eating, red-headed, math genius, called and ordered me to his house. When Myron calls, I respond. When I got there, I found him staring at a hermetically sealed box containing, it claimed, a flat screen TV and home theater. Somehow, the package was only the size of a shoe box and had the density of an average black hole. Strewn around Myron were several large knives, a razor, a hacksaw, and what I believe was an acetylene torch. It was cold and drafty. He had thrown a very comfortable arm chair through one of his picturesque, picture windows. Myron was brief. He screamed, “Open the damned thing.”
That is the reason, here at Stevieslaw, we are proud to announce the publication of “Open Me First,” the Less-intelligent-than-average American Guide to opening and assembling your gifts. In the guide, you will learn that:
1. opening the outer box sets the stage for the rest of the ordeal. We will teach you Zen and Yoga meditative principles to get you in the proper frame of mind. A short prescription and over the counter drug list is also included. You will learn to recognize “this side up” in over seventy languages, how to deal with the combination of staples, super glue, reinforced tape and plasticized straps made from a material that holds submarine hulls together. We will thoroughly discuss which sharp tools can be used without voiding your warranty, how not to totally destroy the UPC code which conveniently straddles the box’s opening, and when to take your puncture and infected paper cut wounds to the local emergency room.
2. removing your lovely gift from its package is never easy. We will teach you to avoid the mistake—made by millions—of wondering how will I ever get this back into the package if I have to return it. You can’t. The “gift” has been hammered into its cardboard package by hundreds of elves with very tiny hands and a large hydraulic press. If you need to return the gift, just shovel it and its packaging into your trunk. We note that most of the white beaches around the world are now completely covered with the plastic foam material that encases your gift. Do not break up the foam material no matter how much fun it looks like. In the guide, we will teach you that the electrostatic charge on this material is so strong that you will find little sections of it clinging to your floors, ceilings, clothing, and children forever.
3. identifying the “open me first” envelope, buried now under the mass of gift pieces, and perhaps containing the instruction manual and the set of tools and hardware that comes with all challenging reassembly projects is critical step. The guide will make it clear that it is sometimes easier to learn Korean, Swahili or Vietnamese than to find the section in the instruction manual written in English. You will also learn that two dimensional pictographs of the three dimensional assembly are much, much worse than useless. Sadly, you will not find yourself able to laugh at this. You will learn to move the hardware envelope to a secure and sterile site before attempting to open it. The guide will also include a special section on opening the hardware sleeve. We will teach you to organize the screws, bolts and tools and to recognize that each little piece of what seems like belly button lint is a critical piece of the assembly. The guide will hammer home the important and little known fact that none of the hardware and tools have been made on planet earth. They can not be replaced. Ever.
4. sensing the need for intervention is an indispensable skill. The guide will show you how to recognize the instant at which “this glorious gift,” becomes “this damned thing.” We are sure you will find the section on “cursing like you were born in Brooklyn” as a sign of “assembling your gift overload” invaluable. You will learn, from the guide, who to call and where and how to sit to defume while a deft teenager assembles your white elephant using nearly all the pieces.
The LAguide “Open Me First,” will be available at Stevieslaw for $19.95 on December 15th. A handy kit to extract the guide from its packaging is available for an additional $4.95. A handy kit to extract the handy opening kit for the guide packaging is an additional $1.95.

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Stevieslaw: Cousin Myron Helps the Rich

Posted on December 4, 2011 by stevieslaw

Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, began counting down from 25 as soon as we had both seen the “Modest Bonus Year on Wall St.” headline in today’s New York Times. Cousin Alvin called to complain at 23. Alvin is incredibly rich—having made most of his money as an investment banker while the rest of us were losing ours. Alvin equates financial fortune with intelligence and drives our Cousin Myron—famed for his flaming red hair, his large brain, and his ability to pick the ponies—absolutely crazy.
Alvin was consistent.
“I called Myron,” he said “To point out that my bonus will be as much as 30% lower this year.” “I thought I would get some sympathy from him, but all his would say is—not now, I’m busy.” “Busy planning how best to drive me crazy, no doubt,” he said.
I listened patiently to Alvin complain for the next ten or fifteen minutes without once pointing out, needlessly as Alvin certainly knew, that the bonuses this year would be in hugely deflated bank stock and that once the market came back Alvin and his colleagues would be back on track for their normal zillion dollar year-end bonus.
When I called Myron later that day to ask about lunch at our special deli—the one with the fabulous corned beef, he would only say, “Not now, I’m busy.”
Myron called back later, however, to announce, “I got my honorary degree.”
“In what,” I asked.
“In psychoanalysis of course.” “Haven’t you been paying attention to the news out of Wall Street?”
“My specialty, he said, Is the problem of delayed gratification,”
“But you’ve always said that psychoanalysis is hooey.” I reminded him.
“Still do,” he said “But, I am opening my Wall Street office tomorrow.” “I am going to have so much fun.”
“Meet me for lunch, tomorrow,” he said. “I found an Italian place with incredible veal parmesan.” “It’s not in Little Italy so no one has heard of it yet.”
It turns out that Myron couldn’t make it for lunch. I had to get him a veal sandwich and bring it back to his office from someplace too far uptown. Turns out he planned it perfectly, as there was a line outside his door that went clear around the block. On it were well dressed men and women whose plans for another house in Maui or Provence, a yacht or a private jet were sure to be delayed. And, although the bankers in line looked incredible stressed and sad, I do not believe the occupy Wall Street crowd, congregated on the opposite side of the street would ever find it in their hearts to sympathize.

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Stevieslaw: Live for Greatness

Posted on December 3, 2011 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Live for Greatness
Our local newspaper, the Centre Daily Times, has done it once again. They have a single page for National news—in fact, they have only a single page for any news not concerning, in one way or another, the Sandusky scandal. The only article is one about the House GOP and their difficulty in signing on to a continuation of the payroll tax. You know the argument I’m sure. On the one hand, a continuation would be a reduction in taxes—a good thing. But on the other hand, “Che” Obama wants to pay for it by taxing millionaires—a non-starter for Republican millionaire fans. There is also the ever present possibility that helping the country recover from a recession will help “Fidel” Obama’s reelection chances.

There is a small ad for church worship next to the payroll tax article, but occupying three quarters of the page is a local jewelry store’s ad for a Rolex watch, with the caption “Live for Greatness.” Here at Stevieslaw, we could not ever have said it any better. To the Republican crowd we have somehow elected to represent us, greatness is not defined by a government that cares for the sick and poor, rebuilds our infrastructure to provide jobs and plans for a better America. Greatness is defined by one’s ability to own a Rolex watch.

Doesn’t that make you wish you had actually voted?

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Stevieslaw: Dear Abby, Dear Abby

Posted on November 25, 2011 by stevieslaw

Here at Stevieslaw, breakfast with the morning paper is still a mainstay of our existence. Our local paper, the CDT is not much. And since we are not an optimistic bunch in Central PA, it is not surprising that all the articles which pass for news, are set up either as things are bad—but they will get worse, or things are good—but that can’t last.
We always have the comics, the suduko and the sometimes intelligible bridge column by the former star player. But the best items for me, for as long as I can remember, are the horoscope and Dear Abby. I love sharing a fortune with 30 million or so of my fellow countryman, especially one that advises me that being kind today will be helpful, or that I will spend some time with someone special. Thirty million of us spending the day being kind—that’s good, but of course it will get worse. And while Dear Abby, no matter which Abby is currently writing the column, is often lame, it is sometimes funny as hell. Last week, we had a husband write in who had found a hickey on his wife’s chest, after she returned from an out-of-town business trip. His wife agreed to take a lie detector test and the guy wanted to know how to arrange it. I was thinking that maybe he could get a coupon for multiple sessions? Say once a week, forever. But my favorite was a letter from a “religious” woman who was sure she would go to heaven, but dreaded having to spend eternity with her parents and family members. I can imagine snippets from her after life experience…Flight to heaven delayed for several days now, had to camp out on plastic chairs and eat lukewarm pizza: flight is awful—turbulence, an overweight woman sitting next to me who can’t stop talking about tunnels and bright lights and they don’t even serve peanuts on the trip: whew, no relatives here except for my uncle Tommy—the one who used to torture cats: and, the last entry—sure is hot here in heaven.
John Prine did a song for Abby years ago. It is just as funny today as it was then. Here it is:
Dear abby, dear abby …
My feet are too long
My hair’s falling out and my rights are all wrong
My friends they all tell me that I’ve no friends at all
Won’t you write me a letter, won’t you give me a call
Signed bewildered

Bewildered, bewildered…

Chorus:
You have no complaint
You are what your are and you ain’t what you ain’t
So listen up buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/john+prine/dear+abby_20074810.html ]
Dear abby, dear abby…
My fountain pen leaks
My wife hollers at me and my kids are all freaks
Every side I get up on is the wrong side of bed
If it weren’t so expensive I’d wish I were dead
Signed unhappy

Unhappy, unhappy…

Repeat chorus

Dear abby, dear abby…
You won’t believe this
But my stomach makes noises whenever I kiss
My girlfriend tells me it’s all in my head
But my stomach tells me to write you instead
Signed noise-maker

Noise-maker, noise-maker

Repeat chorus

Dear abby, dear abby…
Well I never thought
That me and my girlfriend would ever get caught
We were sitting in the back seat just shooting the breeze
With her hair up in curlers and her pants to her knees
Signed just married

Just married, just married…

Repeat chorus

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Stevieslaw: Headlines-Millionaires to stay warm this winter

Posted on November 24, 2011 by stevieslaw

Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, woke this Thanksgiving morning to find the lead article in the Centre Daily Times headlined “Heating Aid Funds Cut.” The article went on to describe how a 50% cut in the federal Low Income Home Energy Assistance Program would affect the ability of the poor—or as the tea partiers call them— the morally defective, to heat their homes.
Smokey talked to Ima Fine, the spokesperson for the Republican Congressional Caucus, a bit later. She told him, “The problem is in the headline.” “Happy news should be emphasized, so that perhaps the headline should have read “Millionaires to Stay Warm this Winter.” “Now, doesn’t that make you feel better.” “Moreover, “we in the Republican Caucus firmly believe that global warming will mitigate any heating crisis this year,” she said with a warm smile. “It’s the reason we have been so opposed to any sort of pollution standards.”
Happy Thanksgiving. Stay Warm.

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Stevieslaw: That’s the Way the Cookie Crumbles

Posted on November 22, 2011 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: That’s the Way the Cookie Crumbles
Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter and office optimist, had an epiphany this week. “Everything,” she said, “Is going to crap.” “I dare you,” she hissed, “To find one critical issue in which things are moving in the right direction.” “The economy, the environment, the schools, the health care system…you name it, our responses stink.”
“There is only one thing left to do,” she concluded. “Adopt a motto.” So, here at Stevieslaw, our response to any new failure, at any level, will be: “Sic Biscuitus Disintegratum.” Read about the new study that shows that global warming is worse than we thought—sic biscuitus disintegratum. Super Committee let you down, sic biscuitus disintegratum.
To help you with your new motto—and new attitude—Stevieslaw is proud to offer a new line of tees and sweats emblazoned with your answer to the world’s injustices. Order large quantities, for as you might expect, they will shrink up to nothing after one wash—sic biscuitus disintegratum—an appropriate motto in a world in which the rich get richer, the poor get poorer, and increasingly, the middle class get only the crumbs.

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Stevieslaw: White House Loses All Touch with Reality

Posted on November 8, 2011 by stevieslaw

The nation section of our local, the Centre Daily Times, picked up an article out of Washington today declaring that the White House has no evidence that extraterrestrials exist. Apparently, the White House has a feature on its website that allows people to submit petitions that they must answer. In response to questions about extraterrestrials, Phil Larson of the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy said that the White House has no evidence that life exists outside the earth, or that any member of the human race has ever been contacted by ET.
No matter how you come down on the issue, it is quite clear that no one at the White House, from the ground floor up, has been listening to the Republican Presidential Debates or reading the Republican candidates statements in the News. Clearly, they are sadly unprepared for the reelection campaign.

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Stevieslaw: Republicans to Cut Wealth Gap

Posted on November 7, 2011 by stevieslaw

Hope Yen, writing for AP, reported today that the “wealth” gap between the old and the young is increasing. Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, was startled—and trust me when I say that the one thing you don’t want to do is startle Smokey Diamond.
“Do you mean to say,” he queried “that people who have worked all their lives, have paid for a house, and subsist mostly on Social Security are wealthier than young people that are just starting out, have an underwater mortgage, and are having difficulty in finding jobs because there aren’t any.” “Astonishing,” he murmured. “And, he noted, “it is a nice touch having the headline for the article call it a “wealth gap,” when the difference is between people living on social security on those living on nothing.
Smokey reports that the Republican caucus on the Hill was positively gleeful over the study results.” Their spokesperson, Rip Cutcaus, took time out from his busy schedule of explaining the Republican strategy in blocking job bills and denying a continuation of Federal Unemployment benefits to tell Smokey, “This is the death knell for entitlement programs such as Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid.” “We have catered to the old for too long and the result is this huge discrepancy in wealth.” “Moreover, this is a problem Republicans can solve,” continued Rip. “If we cut entitlements this wealth gap will close, and, there will be no need to trouble the job producers with insane calls for more taxes.

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Stevieslaw: My Voices of PA Nov. Article

Posted on November 2, 2011 by stevieslaw

Don’t Ask: Career Recommendations for the Next Millennium

My friend Joel Levine wanted to be a doctor, Arnie Slansky a lawyer and Crazy Eddie an Indian Chief. I wanted to be a mailman—still do. Down the block we had our share of Teachers, Scientists, Librarians and Nurses. We had Einsteins, Salks, Nightingales and Mantles. That’s why I was shocked to learn that my niece’s 8 year old son, Marrs, wants to be a hedge fund manager. Times have changed, and mentioning Jonas Salk to an eight year old today will only get you a blank stare.

We are faced with dramatically new times, new heroes, and new careers. How then do you help your 37 year old nephew, who has been living in your basement since 9/11, find a career? Here at Stevieslaw we are proud to publish “Don’t Ask: Careers for the New Millennium,” as part of our Less-Intelligent-than-Average American Guides series. With the help of the guide, you will learn just how likely it is that your career choice will be rewarded sufficiently for you to make it into a tax bracket, any tax bracket. While many of you might be depressed about what your college degree has gotten you: a job at McDonalds, Walmart or Kohl’s, LAG will show you that things can certainly get worse. As a sample, consider the year 2024,

In the Professions:

1. Doctors will vanish, as enlightened Insurance Companies finally realize they can do without the middle men. Nurses will handle the everyday business of medicine as they do now—in 23 hour shifts eight days a week. Sadly, it will be Jewish mothers who suffer most.

2. One out of every three Americans over the age of 6 will have a law degree. Fourteen, if we count the Supreme Court Justices, are working. And with no doctors to sue…

3. Scientists will reap the rewards of a $3.42 research budget in this fiscal year. Those not getting a piece of the research pie will still be able to conduct “thought” experiments, provided the topic has been approved by President Santorum.

4. University Professors will teach by referring to the results of public opinion polls, much as they do today.

In the Arts (where nothing much has changed):

1. Remember when your little rock and roller performed in your basement for the neighborhood kids? He will remember that as his high earning years. Other musicians will not do quite that well. For the purpose of discussion, dancers are musicians with funny shoes and large health care bills, while actors are dancers that don’t. The good news—waiting tables.

2. The Fine Arts are, of course entirely different. One can make a good living in the Fine Arts, as evidenced by the four or five fine artists, who since 1603, have.

3. Write. For Money? You Nuts? In 2024, the Nobel Prize in Literature went to a Japanese computer code named Murakami.

In the Trades:

1. Remember bookstores, record shops and affordable restaurants other than pizza joints and fast food dives. Your five year old won’t. Is your name Amazon? No. Then don’t try to revive them.

2. Remember building things? Won’t in 2024. Back in the day, my uncles all worked construction as plumbers and electricians. They built this country. Often, they were called in to build homes for people or to fix problems in privately owned homes. The concept of owning the place you lived in was called home ownership. Look it up on Wikipedia if you don’t believe it ever existed.

In Local and State Government:

1. Teachers will be hunted during the summer months in 48 states. By 2024, they have been hunted to extinction in Alabama and Mississippi, where the locals claim to have no need of them anyway. And as they say right here in PA, it is the only way to keep thems varmints down.

2. Post offices, having been betrayed by Netflix and the Credit Card companies through their on-line features, have closed. Mailmen hang out at what used to be libraries. They use their cool leather bags to carry their lunches.

3. No one knows what happened to all the other government employees. Some cynics suspect they wandered off after not being paid for a decade or so.

In LAG we will show there are still high-paying careers out there and that their rewards are likely to grow. Finding careers as superstar athletes or performers, ponzi schemers, natural resource manipulators, talking heads, evangelists and political hacks will still be possible—as will those most lucrative careers as elected officials in local, State or Federal government. It just requires good genes. No, not brilliance, just good genes, as in a mom or dad with money or pull. As Ogden Nash might have said (see, I yield to my learned brother…): Well Connected men, they have no cares/ Whatever happens, they get theirs.

As for the nephew in the basement, who so obviously lacks parents with money or pull, have you talked to him about marrying money? He’s in love you say with a girl as poor as he is. Move him out. Basements must be reserved for the next generation of performing artists. You might as well remind him of some other words by Ogden Nash (see, Love under the Republicans (or Democrats)) who did predict the future for your nephew and a billion others in the new millennium: We’ll live in a dear little walk up flat/with practically room to swing a cat.

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