Stevieslaw: Confronting Boehner on Libya

Posted on June 3, 2011 by stevieslaw

House Speaker John Boehner introduced legislation Thursday that would require President Obama to justify our involvement in Libya within 15 days.  We, at Stevieslaw, present a succinct but thorough justification below:

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Stevieslaw: My Voices of Central PA. June Article

Posted on June 2, 2011 by stevieslaw

The LAGuide to Voting in America

At Stevieslaw, publisher of the Less-intelligent- than- average American Guides (LAG), we recognize that many Americans do not vote. The statistics from the mid-term elections are staggering. In Pennsylvania, Tom Corbett took the governorship by a margin of eight votes—31 to 23, while Pat Toomey won in a near shut-out, 8 to 1.  Glenn Thompson was apparently able to elect himself, as nothing else can explain it. Corbett confided to Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, that the reason for his victory was his ability to convince his cousin’s club to vote for him en-masse, at a dinner he hosted at the Olive Garden in Altoona.  The twelve student dominated districts in State College produced only one vote, a guy named Marvin who accidentally wandered into a polling booth next to a local bar—and, in the process, elected Scott Conklin.  In this week’s primary election, the voting record was even worse, as the number of candidates for one local school board was twice as large as the actual vote. 

LAG realizes this is not just a local issue.  Recall that the TV show Jeopardy frequently has as one of its categories, “Americans Who Voted.” Nationally, the cost per vote is a staggering $1,000,037 and change.

LAG is proud to announce its new guide, “How to Vote in America,” which will be out in time for the 2012 election.  LAG went about the development of this guide in the kind of rational manner that, say, the Discovery Institute brings to Science. To do this, we interviewed as many as six typical Americans as they walked past the polling booth, without voting, on Election Day. We found that the interviewees had myriad reasons for not voting.  Among them:

  1.       Friday is a hectic day for me. Why don’t they make it on Tuesday?
  2.       I’m too busy. The ads for the candidates have me riveted to the TV
  3.       It’s too confusing. There are too many candidates for too many offices.
  4.       The ballot has more than one page. It would take me hours to read through it.
  5.       I tried it once, but couldn’t get the hang of it. Punch cards, scanned ballots, computer screens—it makes my head spin.
  6.       My uncle says that if I register to vote they will call me for jury duty at least once a week.  Why would I want to serve on a jury?

Now in the LAG guide, we will take you through the entire voting process from start to finish.  And, as a reward for your hard work, LAG is pleased to announce that your name will be added to an honor roll of those who voted, which is to be continuously scrolled during the finales of both American Idol and Dancing with the Stars! And remember, this is a LAGuide.  Very little is required of you.

In the guide or the handy interactive CD:

  1.       We provide a five question true/false quiz to determine your voting preference—birther, deather, tea partier, socialist, republican, democrat or independent (not recommended).  With any luck, you can vote “straight ticket,” and be out of the polling place in seconds. 
  2.       We provide the forms to register, and if necessary Smokey Diamond will literally walk you through the process.
  3.       Don’t know what a Prothonothary does?  Or even if what we’ve written here is spelled correctly? Don’t sweat it! We don’t either. In the guide, we dispel the myth that knowledge of the duties of any elected position is a requirement for voting.  The LAGuide ranks each of the positions—local through national—by salary; that is, in a way all Americans can understand.
  4.       We carefully explain the procedures and pitfalls of voting in your precinct.  Worried about hanging chads or incompletely filled in boxes? The guide will provide you with complete voting instructions and dozens of sample pages that you can practice on at your leisure. What fun!
  5.       We provide complete interactive directions to your polling place set up as the game “hot, warm, cold.”  Entertain yourself while finding the hidden polling place you have been driving or walking past on the way home from work for the last 20 years.
  6.       Still not convinced?  Put the CD in and the voice of your mother, saying over and over again—“you can’t complain, you brought it on yourself”—will play until you display an “I Voted,” sticker.

We, at the Guide, admonish you to listen to your mother.  Vote and then complain about our elected officials—let’s make it our new national pastime.

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Stevieslaw: Go Together Like a Horse and Carriage

Posted on June 1, 2011 by stevieslaw

The proto-fascist-communist-socialist, Bernie Sanders had a huge article in the Views section of our local, liberal rag The Centre Daily Times today.  Bernie is the Senator from Vermont—a Northeastern state very near Canada.  The title of the article was “Deficit reduction requires shared sacrifice,” but what it really espoused was soaking the rich and corporate to “reduce” the burden on the poor and middle class—-who, according to Bernie—are facing the loss of Medicare, education, unions, livelihood and oxygen.  “Red” Sanders suggested three ways in which the rich and corporate might pitch in:

  1. By getting rid of the Bush tax cuts for the very wealthy
  2. By closing corporate loopholes, and
  3. By reducing the budget of the Pentagon—now fighting three unbudgeted wars.

Smokey and I shuddered to read the ideas spelled out by Sanders, but I must report that the more we thought about it, the more they began to make good sense.  What is wrong with taxing the rich and corporate and ending even two wars (it appears that you have to have at least one unfunded war—boys will be boys)?

To find out what we were missing, Smokey Diamond visited Millard Needsmore—spokesperson for Eye of A Needle, Inc.  on his yacht anchored just off Newport, RI.  Over lunch, Millard spelled it out.  “It’s that the rich are morally superior,” he said.  “Wealth and moral superioritiage go together like a horse and carriage.” “We have known since the day of Horatio Alger, a great American hero, that anyone with any gumption and moral fortitude can gain great wealth and power.” “It follows,” he continued, “that the poor, infirm, old, ugly and more and more the middle class suffer only from moral turpitude.”  “They need to try harder,” he said. “No coddling.”

Smokey, curious about the corporate name, asked Needsmore—who inherited his wealth from his grandmother—if it didn’t imply that the rich were barred from the kingdom of god.  “That might have been true years ago,” said Needsmore, “but with the recession all it takes is a big check.”

At the end of lunch, a surprised Smokey was handed a bill for the meal. “If you are not wealthy,” said Millard, “There is no such thing as a free lunch.”

 

 

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Stevieslaw: Cousin Myron’s Cray

Posted on May 26, 2011 by stevieslaw

My cousin Myron, the fiery headed math-whiz and overall hot-tempered eccentric went to ground about 6 months ago.  We’d speak on the phone once or twice a week about this and that.  He was keeping his fingers crossed that Sarah Palin might run, and he would relate in some detail how much fun he would have if the ditz did.  When I asked him what he was doing, he would only say he was working on a kit.

We finally got together at a Deli on Queens Blvd. that specializes in lean corned beef.  Neither Myron nor I are providing location details yet.  When Myron said kit, I had pictured a model sailboat, or motorized airplane or perhaps even a harpsichord, but Myron, being Myron, had instead built a Cray supercomputer —most useful for running huge computer codes in fields as arcane as fluid dynamics or climate prediction.  Sure enough, Myron had decided to become a climate scientist and to do more than just speculate on the consequences of global warming.

For the next hour or so, Myron lectured on budgets (of momentum, heat and moisture), on something that sounded like scale separation, and on turbulence—a field so difficult it had brought Werner Heisenberg, he of the uncertainly principle, to his knees.  Frankly, I hadn’t seen Myron this excited since he discovered a pattern in the post-positions of the winning ponies at Roosevelt Raceway and went on to make a very large amount of money.  Myron has not only gotten the Cray up and running, he’s written a complex computer code and started to get tentative results. 

“So how is Mother Earth making out?” I asked half jokingly.

“You know how manned space flight has basically ended this year with the retirement of the space shuttle?” he asked.

“Yes,” I responded.

“Real bad timing,” he said, reaching over for my half- eaten potato knish. “Very, very, very bad timing.”

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Stevieslaw: Ryan and Gingrich Sitting in a Tree.

Posted on May 23, 2011 by stevieslaw

At Stevieslaw, we realize that we are the only blog in the nation that has not done a piece about Newt Gingrich over the past week or so.  This is either a reflection of our deep respect for the Newter or our incredible laziness (please choose one).  Now, Smokey Diamond has run down the rest of the story.

We have learned that not only has Newt apologized to Paul Ryan for calling his Medicare plan “right-wing social engineering” and explained that he would have voted for it had he been in Congress, but the Newt will also tout (or toot for you poets) the plan around the nation as he campaigns for the Presidency.  His conversion, as Gingy explained to Smokey, was a result of his deeper understanding of the Ryan plan.  “This plan will only adversely affect seniors and people who ever expect to become seniors,” Newts told Smokey—“not everyone.” “Most of all, it will have a positive influence on the country’s millionaires and multi-millionaires who will not be asked to help pay for your healthcare.”  “Remember,” he said, “Millionaires must be protected if we are ever to offer a single new job in this country again.”

Newty continued, “I have promised Paul that I am through with the kind of knee-jerk reactions, based on common sense, which got me in trouble in the first place.”  “I am a New Gingrich,” he concluded with a grin.

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Stevieslaw: The “Fear of the Month Club” Smart Phone App.

Posted on May 22, 2011 by stevieslaw

Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, was on Sixth Avenue in Manhattan this morning checking out the new headquarters of Fear Central.  It’s right next door to Fox News.  Fear Central is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Republican National Committee although many of the Fox people have joint appointments.  “It’s not a pleasant place to be,” said Smokey, “Every few minutes someone gives out a blood curdling scream.”  “They have several cubbies filled with fearful looking people drenched in sweat, who apparently do nothing all day but moan “Oh My God, Oh My God, it’s the end of the America I know and love.”

Smokey was able to meet with Stephen Poe King, chief spokesperson for Fear.  Steve is well known for his groundbreaking work on the fear driven, anti-flag burning amendment to the constitution that failed by one vote in the Senate in 2006.  Rumor has it that he was also responsible for the phrase: “If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.” 

“Smokey,” he said, “I have two words for you—voter fraud.”  “That is the reason, in conjunction with Republican patriots everywhere we are demanding that voters present official and up to date photo ids.”  “Birth certificates to accompany the ids would be better yet,” he noted. Smokey asked if the people at Fear were afraid that demanding photo ids would make it harder for the elderly and the poor to vote.  King responded, “While I understand that in some liberal circles this might be a concern, we have a much larger problem in voter fraud, which if left unchecked will destroy the America we know and love.” “Be afraid,” he added. “Be very afraid.”

Undaunted, Smokey wanted to know from King just how big the scope of the problem was.  “Currently,” King continued. “We have 14 confirmed cases from the mid-term elections alone.”  “We anticipate an increase of up to 15% by the end of the month, as Fox is chasing down two cases in the swing state of Kansas.”  “Voter fraud is poised to go viral,” he added.

Stephen King went on to say that the number of things real American patriots have to be afraid of has been growing so rapidly that it’s has been hard to stay out in front of them. “That is why we are so excited about the “Fear of the Month Club Smart Phone App.”    “Moreover, the APP is only 99 cents a month,” he continued. “With the money going to support real American patriots like Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum and Sarah Palin.”  “It’s a win-win for America,” he ended—showing Smokey the exit.

As Smokey left, his smart phone buzzed to announce a six month trial download of the “Fear of the Month Club.”  This month’s fear—“The unelected president—can we stop the Obama voter fraud machine in 2012? 

Speaking of stopping, at Stevieslaw, we fear there is no way, short of rapture, to stop the downloads.

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Stevieslaw: Rick Santorum and the Death of Bin Laden

Posted on May 18, 2011 by stevieslaw

We, in Pennsylvania, haven’t heard much from super-candidate Rick Santorum lately. And here at Stevieslaw, we’ve yet to meet anyone who claims to miss him.  Every six months or so, the national media reports on a statement or two from the Taliban that commends Santorum on his women’s rights policies, but other than that we’ve had nothing.

Now the Daily Beast reports Santorum told conservative radio host, Hugh Hewitt, that Santorum’s former colleague John McCain does not understand enhanced interrogation. This is a bit strange as McCain is a decorated war hero and prisoner of war who survived “enhanced interrogation” from the N. Vietnamese, while Santorum’s total military service is just his promise that he will “never, never try to entertain the troops.”

Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, has chased down the rest of the story.  It turns out that Rick has been secretly working with the CIA over the past few years to help develop an enhanced interrogation technique that won’t be deemed torture by the liberal media.  The idea for the technique arose from a reading of “Infinity Jest,” authored by David Foster Wallace, in which a “movie” is so entertaining that people can only stop watching it by dying.  Now Smokey has learned that Santorum has recorded a 47 hour video in which he preaches his take on “family values.”  The tape can be easily looped and has been played continuously at Guantanamo for the last two years.  The guards, who patrol blindfolded with their ears sealed with wax, report that the prisoners have been giving up information at an astounding rate. 

Santorum will claim that it was his tape—as an enhanced interrogation technique—that led to the information that got Bin Laden.  Anyone who has heard Rick speak on any subject will be forced to agree that his “I got Bin Laden” claim has legs and may well enhance his chances for the presidency. Smokey reports that, vote for Rick or we will make you watch the tape, posters have already been printed.

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Stevieslaw: The Vatican Rag

Posted on May 17, 2011 by stevieslaw

Nicole Winfield, writing for the Associated Press, reported that The Vatican told Bishops—just yesterday—“that it is important to cooperate with the police in reporting priests who rape and molest children.”  That startling news was followed by a pronouncement that gave the Bishops only until next May to develop guidelines for preventing sex abuse.  Only one year!  Along those lines, Smokey Diamond suggests you might want to keep your children out of church until next May.  The Bishops will still be the final authority on the credibility of abuse charges, said the Vatican, “Because this has worked so well in the past.”  Amazingly, victim’s groups were outraged.

The Vatican has been under increasing pressure to halt child abuse by priests, particularly since the publication this week by magazine “The Two-Thousand Year Old Bad Idea,” of a study suggesting that an unsupervised camping trip by half a dozen eighth graders in the most desolate part of Central Park was 45% less likely to produce a life-long trauma that a similar camping trip supervised by a priest.  H.Y. See called the intrepid Smokey Diamond into his office to dispute this finding.  The H. See told Smokey, “Our own studies have shown that the number is closer to 42% and “is even a bit dependent on the location of the park.”  ”It’s misrepresentations like this,” he went on to say, “that give the church a bad name.”

Smokey’s been singing a Tom Lehrer song since he got home…

Another big news story of year concerned the ecumenical council in Rome, known as Vatican II. Among the things they did in an attempt to make the church more commercial was to introduce the vernacular into portions of the mass, to replace Latin, and to widen somewhat the range of music permissible in the liturgy, but I feel that if they really want to sell the product, in this secular age, what they ought to do is to redo some of the liturgical music in popular song forms. I have a modest example here. It’s called The Vatican Rag.

First you get down on your knees,
Fiddle with your rosaries,
Bow your head with great respect,
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!

Do whatever steps you want, if
You have cleared them with the Pontiff.
Everybody say his own
Kyrie eleison,
Doin’ the Vatican Rag.

Get in line in that processional,
Step into that small confessional,
There, the guy who’s got religion’ll
Tell you if your sin’s original.
If it is, try playin’ it safer,
Drink the wine and chew the wafer,
Two, four, six, eight,
Time to transubstantiate!

So get down upon your knees,
Fiddle with your rosaries,
Bow your head with great respect,
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!

Make a cross on your abdomen,
When in Rome do like a Roman,
Ave Maria,
Gee it’s good to see ya,
Gettin’ ecstatic an’
Sorta dramatic an’
Doin’ the Vatican Rag!

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Stevieslaw: There but for Fortune

Posted on May 14, 2011 by stevieslaw

This is our one hundredth post since November 2010.  There are so many people to thank.   The oil executives, who feel that without some billions in government aid they can no longer go on drilling: The pharmaceutical companies, who have made record profits this year, because people have delayed medical treatment in the poor economy: The major corporations, that pay no tax on their profits.  Many thanks to the polluters, the arms manufacturers, the war mongers and all the little people—Tom Corbett, Scott Walker, Rick Scott and others, who have turned the cutting of social services for the neediest into an entertainment.  To Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and others who think that saying something twice makes it true.  And, to all who feel that taxation, of even the very rich, is the great Satan and that promoting the common good is missing a “for me.” 

Phil Ochs wrote “There but for Fortune” in 1963.  For me, it has always been better than a month of Sundays.  For all the talk of inspiration and perspiration as the road to “success,” there is much to be said for a long and strong run of good luck.

There But For Fortune.

Show me a prison, show me a jail,

Show me a prisoner whose face has gone pale

And I’ll show you a young man with so many reasons why

And there but for fortune, may go you or I

Show me the alley, show me the train,

Show me a hobo who sleeps out in the rain,

And I’ll show you a young man with so many reasons why

There but for fortune, may go you or go I — you and I.

Show me the whiskey stains on the floor,

Show me the dunken man as he stumbles out the door,

And I’ll show you a young man with so many reasons why

There but for fortune, may go you or go I — you and I.

Show me the country where bombs had to fall,

Show me the ruins of buildings once so tall,

And I’ll show you a young land with so many reasons why

There but for fortune, go you or go I — you and I.

You and I,

There but for fortune, go you or go I — you and I.

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Stevieslaw: Cousin Myron Sees Red.

Posted on May 12, 2011 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Cousin Myron Sees Red.

Cousin Myron was beet red and angry.  That was not unusual, Myron is often angry and he is naturally beet red.  I tried to get a reading on just what was bothering Myron this time, without getting on the wrong side of the cousin.  Myron has one of the best left jab-right cross combinations to ever come out of Brownsville, Brooklyn and that’s saying a lot—Mike Tyson is from our old neighborhood.

“School vouchers,” Myron spat. 

“School vouchers?” I repeated.

“Are you going to repeat everything I say,” threatened Myron

“I didn’t,” I said trying to explain, “My response was a question.”

I ducked a vicious right hand and backed up a bit. 

“It just surprised me that a high-school dropout would have such a strong opinion on school vouchers.” I said—perhaps unwisely.

“Just because I dropped out of Thomas Jefferson HS doesn’t mean I didn’t get a lot from my public school education,” fumed Myron.  “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,” he said—slipping in a little Dickens to make his point.” “For one thing, I got to mix with all kinds of people”  “When I meet someone now for the first time, I’m not uncomfortable—I know at least a little bit about where they might be coming from.” “This Country is supposed to be a mixing pot,” he said heatedly.

“That’s the problem with these vouchers,” he continued.  “They want to segregate their children in religious/private schools and teach them values instead of history and gospel instead of science.”  “Fundamentally,” he said—with no irony— “they don’t want their kids to go to school with my kids.” 

“Because, you’re Jewish?” I asked Myron.

“No, you idiot,” he screamed, throwing a wicked left, “because I’m redheaded.”

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