Stevieslaw: The “Fear of the Month Club” Smart Phone App.

Posted on May 22, 2011 by stevieslaw

Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, was on Sixth Avenue in Manhattan this morning checking out the new headquarters of Fear Central.  It’s right next door to Fox News.  Fear Central is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Republican National Committee although many of the Fox people have joint appointments.  “It’s not a pleasant place to be,” said Smokey, “Every few minutes someone gives out a blood curdling scream.”  “They have several cubbies filled with fearful looking people drenched in sweat, who apparently do nothing all day but moan “Oh My God, Oh My God, it’s the end of the America I know and love.”

Smokey was able to meet with Stephen Poe King, chief spokesperson for Fear.  Steve is well known for his groundbreaking work on the fear driven, anti-flag burning amendment to the constitution that failed by one vote in the Senate in 2006.  Rumor has it that he was also responsible for the phrase: “If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.” 

“Smokey,” he said, “I have two words for you—voter fraud.”  “That is the reason, in conjunction with Republican patriots everywhere we are demanding that voters present official and up to date photo ids.”  “Birth certificates to accompany the ids would be better yet,” he noted. Smokey asked if the people at Fear were afraid that demanding photo ids would make it harder for the elderly and the poor to vote.  King responded, “While I understand that in some liberal circles this might be a concern, we have a much larger problem in voter fraud, which if left unchecked will destroy the America we know and love.” “Be afraid,” he added. “Be very afraid.”

Undaunted, Smokey wanted to know from King just how big the scope of the problem was.  “Currently,” King continued. “We have 14 confirmed cases from the mid-term elections alone.”  “We anticipate an increase of up to 15% by the end of the month, as Fox is chasing down two cases in the swing state of Kansas.”  “Voter fraud is poised to go viral,” he added.

Stephen King went on to say that the number of things real American patriots have to be afraid of has been growing so rapidly that it’s has been hard to stay out in front of them. “That is why we are so excited about the “Fear of the Month Club Smart Phone App.”    “Moreover, the APP is only 99 cents a month,” he continued. “With the money going to support real American patriots like Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum and Sarah Palin.”  “It’s a win-win for America,” he ended—showing Smokey the exit.

As Smokey left, his smart phone buzzed to announce a six month trial download of the “Fear of the Month Club.”  This month’s fear—“The unelected president—can we stop the Obama voter fraud machine in 2012? 

Speaking of stopping, at Stevieslaw, we fear there is no way, short of rapture, to stop the downloads.

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Stevieslaw: Rick Santorum and the Death of Bin Laden

Posted on May 18, 2011 by stevieslaw

We, in Pennsylvania, haven’t heard much from super-candidate Rick Santorum lately. And here at Stevieslaw, we’ve yet to meet anyone who claims to miss him.  Every six months or so, the national media reports on a statement or two from the Taliban that commends Santorum on his women’s rights policies, but other than that we’ve had nothing.

Now the Daily Beast reports Santorum told conservative radio host, Hugh Hewitt, that Santorum’s former colleague John McCain does not understand enhanced interrogation. This is a bit strange as McCain is a decorated war hero and prisoner of war who survived “enhanced interrogation” from the N. Vietnamese, while Santorum’s total military service is just his promise that he will “never, never try to entertain the troops.”

Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, has chased down the rest of the story.  It turns out that Rick has been secretly working with the CIA over the past few years to help develop an enhanced interrogation technique that won’t be deemed torture by the liberal media.  The idea for the technique arose from a reading of “Infinity Jest,” authored by David Foster Wallace, in which a “movie” is so entertaining that people can only stop watching it by dying.  Now Smokey has learned that Santorum has recorded a 47 hour video in which he preaches his take on “family values.”  The tape can be easily looped and has been played continuously at Guantanamo for the last two years.  The guards, who patrol blindfolded with their ears sealed with wax, report that the prisoners have been giving up information at an astounding rate. 

Santorum will claim that it was his tape—as an enhanced interrogation technique—that led to the information that got Bin Laden.  Anyone who has heard Rick speak on any subject will be forced to agree that his “I got Bin Laden” claim has legs and may well enhance his chances for the presidency. Smokey reports that, vote for Rick or we will make you watch the tape, posters have already been printed.

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Stevieslaw: The Vatican Rag

Posted on May 17, 2011 by stevieslaw

Nicole Winfield, writing for the Associated Press, reported that The Vatican told Bishops—just yesterday—“that it is important to cooperate with the police in reporting priests who rape and molest children.”  That startling news was followed by a pronouncement that gave the Bishops only until next May to develop guidelines for preventing sex abuse.  Only one year!  Along those lines, Smokey Diamond suggests you might want to keep your children out of church until next May.  The Bishops will still be the final authority on the credibility of abuse charges, said the Vatican, “Because this has worked so well in the past.”  Amazingly, victim’s groups were outraged.

The Vatican has been under increasing pressure to halt child abuse by priests, particularly since the publication this week by magazine “The Two-Thousand Year Old Bad Idea,” of a study suggesting that an unsupervised camping trip by half a dozen eighth graders in the most desolate part of Central Park was 45% less likely to produce a life-long trauma that a similar camping trip supervised by a priest.  H.Y. See called the intrepid Smokey Diamond into his office to dispute this finding.  The H. See told Smokey, “Our own studies have shown that the number is closer to 42% and “is even a bit dependent on the location of the park.”  ”It’s misrepresentations like this,” he went on to say, “that give the church a bad name.”

Smokey’s been singing a Tom Lehrer song since he got home…

Another big news story of year concerned the ecumenical council in Rome, known as Vatican II. Among the things they did in an attempt to make the church more commercial was to introduce the vernacular into portions of the mass, to replace Latin, and to widen somewhat the range of music permissible in the liturgy, but I feel that if they really want to sell the product, in this secular age, what they ought to do is to redo some of the liturgical music in popular song forms. I have a modest example here. It’s called The Vatican Rag.

First you get down on your knees,
Fiddle with your rosaries,
Bow your head with great respect,
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!

Do whatever steps you want, if
You have cleared them with the Pontiff.
Everybody say his own
Kyrie eleison,
Doin’ the Vatican Rag.

Get in line in that processional,
Step into that small confessional,
There, the guy who’s got religion’ll
Tell you if your sin’s original.
If it is, try playin’ it safer,
Drink the wine and chew the wafer,
Two, four, six, eight,
Time to transubstantiate!

So get down upon your knees,
Fiddle with your rosaries,
Bow your head with great respect,
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!

Make a cross on your abdomen,
When in Rome do like a Roman,
Ave Maria,
Gee it’s good to see ya,
Gettin’ ecstatic an’
Sorta dramatic an’
Doin’ the Vatican Rag!

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Stevieslaw: There but for Fortune

Posted on May 14, 2011 by stevieslaw

This is our one hundredth post since November 2010.  There are so many people to thank.   The oil executives, who feel that without some billions in government aid they can no longer go on drilling: The pharmaceutical companies, who have made record profits this year, because people have delayed medical treatment in the poor economy: The major corporations, that pay no tax on their profits.  Many thanks to the polluters, the arms manufacturers, the war mongers and all the little people—Tom Corbett, Scott Walker, Rick Scott and others, who have turned the cutting of social services for the neediest into an entertainment.  To Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and others who think that saying something twice makes it true.  And, to all who feel that taxation, of even the very rich, is the great Satan and that promoting the common good is missing a “for me.” 

Phil Ochs wrote “There but for Fortune” in 1963.  For me, it has always been better than a month of Sundays.  For all the talk of inspiration and perspiration as the road to “success,” there is much to be said for a long and strong run of good luck.

There But For Fortune.

Show me a prison, show me a jail,

Show me a prisoner whose face has gone pale

And I’ll show you a young man with so many reasons why

And there but for fortune, may go you or I

Show me the alley, show me the train,

Show me a hobo who sleeps out in the rain,

And I’ll show you a young man with so many reasons why

There but for fortune, may go you or go I — you and I.

Show me the whiskey stains on the floor,

Show me the dunken man as he stumbles out the door,

And I’ll show you a young man with so many reasons why

There but for fortune, may go you or go I — you and I.

Show me the country where bombs had to fall,

Show me the ruins of buildings once so tall,

And I’ll show you a young land with so many reasons why

There but for fortune, go you or go I — you and I.

You and I,

There but for fortune, go you or go I — you and I.

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Stevieslaw: Cousin Myron Sees Red.

Posted on May 12, 2011 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Cousin Myron Sees Red.

Cousin Myron was beet red and angry.  That was not unusual, Myron is often angry and he is naturally beet red.  I tried to get a reading on just what was bothering Myron this time, without getting on the wrong side of the cousin.  Myron has one of the best left jab-right cross combinations to ever come out of Brownsville, Brooklyn and that’s saying a lot—Mike Tyson is from our old neighborhood.

“School vouchers,” Myron spat. 

“School vouchers?” I repeated.

“Are you going to repeat everything I say,” threatened Myron

“I didn’t,” I said trying to explain, “My response was a question.”

I ducked a vicious right hand and backed up a bit. 

“It just surprised me that a high-school dropout would have such a strong opinion on school vouchers.” I said—perhaps unwisely.

“Just because I dropped out of Thomas Jefferson HS doesn’t mean I didn’t get a lot from my public school education,” fumed Myron.  “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,” he said—slipping in a little Dickens to make his point.” “For one thing, I got to mix with all kinds of people”  “When I meet someone now for the first time, I’m not uncomfortable—I know at least a little bit about where they might be coming from.” “This Country is supposed to be a mixing pot,” he said heatedly.

“That’s the problem with these vouchers,” he continued.  “They want to segregate their children in religious/private schools and teach them values instead of history and gospel instead of science.”  “Fundamentally,” he said—with no irony— “they don’t want their kids to go to school with my kids.” 

“Because, you’re Jewish?” I asked Myron.

“No, you idiot,” he screamed, throwing a wicked left, “because I’m redheaded.”

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Stevieslaw: When is a Rainy Day Not

Posted on May 11, 2011 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: When is a Rainy Day Not

Our local Newspaper, The Centre Daily Times, published a partial headline today.  They often do.  Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, picked it up right away.  The headline was: GOP plan restores school funds.  The missing part was: On the Backs of the Poor.

The headline was misleading in any event.  Only part of the public school funding will be restored and only those parts of public welfare that are wasteful or fraudulent will be cut.  You might well ask why we have been funding wasteful and fraudulent public welfare up to now.  Well, you might ask.  The cynical among you will imagine that the change of plans for the GOP was based on the realization that supporters of public education were more likely to vote and to contribute to reelection campaigns than were the neediest.

Smokey ran down Jim Smiley, spokesman for the PA Republican Caucus, and asked him what was responsible for the change in strategy.  Jim said, “Simple. We came to the realization that supporters of public education were more likely to vote and to contribute to reelection campaigns than were the neediest.”

Smokey also wanted to hear about the GOP reluctance to use a windfall, half billion dollar budget surplus to help balance next year’s deficit.  “We need to replenish the rainy day fund,” said Smiley.  “But isn’t it raining as hard as it can now,” countered Smokey.  “If it’s winter, snowing and you come upon the money to fix a broken window so your family can be warm, don’t you fix it?” “No, no,” said Jimmy, “It’s not my family. My windows are fine and by the time the GOP policies are in place, windows will be the least of the worries for some.”  “A hard rains a’gonna fall.”

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Stevieslaw: Tom Corbett to Seek Historic Site Legislation

Posted on May 9, 2011 by stevieslaw

The news that fracking firms could drill at will at archeological sites of importance created a furor today in the offices of Tom Corbett, Governor of Pennsylvania and man of the people. Our own intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, was dispatched to Harrisburg for the story.  Smokey met with Ben Loudly, voice of the Governor, who confirmed that “Tom is very concerned.” “What we fear, of course,” he said with emotion, “is that ghosts of Native Americans roused by the drilling process will begin to haunt energy executives and high placed government officials.”  “Today, we will introduce serious anti-haunting legislation to prohibit any sort of nightmarish reprisals from long dead, Native Americans.”  “We must always keep in our minds that overtired fracking firm executives might make mistakes that reduce both profits and contributions to the governor’s reelection campaign.”  Loudly concluded by stating, “We expect this legislation to pass quickly through both Republican controlled legislative chambers.” “Enforcement rules will certainly be in place well before this Halloween.”

Anyone remember the old Joni Mitchell song, Big Yellow Taxi. It seems somehow appropriate.

They paved paradise

And put up a parking lot

With a pink hotel, a boutique

And a swinging hot SPOT

Don’t it always seem to go

That you don’t know what you’ve got

‘Til it’s gone

They paved paradise

And put up a parking lot

They took all the trees

And put them in a tree museum

Then they charged the people

A dollar and a half just to see ’em

Don’t it always seem to go,

That you don’t know what you’ve got

‘Til it’s gone

They paved paradise

And put up a parking lot

Hey farmer, farmer

Put away that DDT now

Give me spots on my apples

But LEAVE me the birds and the bees

Please!

Don’t it always seem to go

That you don’t know what you’ve got

‘Til its gone

They paved paradise

And put up a parking lot

Late last night

I heard the screen door slam

And a big yellow taxi

Come and took away my old man

Don’t it always seem to go

That you don’t know what you’ve got

‘Til it’s gone

They paved paradise

And put up a parking lot

I said

Don’t it always seem to go

That you don’t know what you’ve got

‘Til it’s gone

They paved paradise

And put up a parking lot

They paved paradise

And put up a parking lot

They paved paradise

And put up a parking lot

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Stevieslaw: My Banner Year

Posted on May 5, 2011 by stevieslaw

My Banner Year

We stormed out

today to face

the gardened

spring.  First

to clear the

sorry dead  

we adventured

with last year—

both Lowes and

odd name tags

still hanging sad

and limp from

the blackened

branches of the

plants mowed

down by winter’s

machine pistols—

spattered ice and snow.

It makes no never

mind, as they say

in my part of

Pennsylvania—

an expression

I have come some

40 years to accept.

This year my

garden will be

featured on the

cover of “Home

and Gardening

Magazine,” with a

centerfold so lush

it will paint me

red to recognize I

planted it by hand.

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Stevieslaw: Voices of Central Pa Column

Posted on May 5, 2011 by stevieslaw

For those of you without access to the Voices of Central PA article, here it is:

Reducing the Deficit—the Hottest Ideas.

Now that Wall Street has reminded our Federal Government that they are not too big to fail, and that Goldman-Sachs is unlikely to bail them out in event of a default, it is time to get serious about the deficit.  We, the publishers, of the Less-intelligent-than-average Americans Guides (LAG) are presenting a dozen of the most talked about deficit reduction ideas. We will also present some of the drawbacks (DB) of the current ideas.

1.      Elect More Democrats—(DB) A really stupid idea.

2.      Elect More Republican—(DB) See above.

3.      Elect More Members of the Tea Party—They are, after all, willing to cut anything without a second thought (Governor Rick Scott of Florida told the his legislature, “Don’t Blink, Just Cut1).  (DB) Having the Tea Party govern America would be much like hiring the Temperance League to cater the 50th Anniversary Celebration for your wine tasting group.

4.      Abolish Medicare—In an elaborate ceremony, declare all seniors who are eligible for Medicare, Doctors.  At the end, intone “Physician Heal Thyself.” (DB) It is likely that the AMA will object when life expectancy rises and death rates fall.

5.      End Social Security—Give all seniors one month to move in with their adult children.  (DB) The adult children would have a whole month in which to hide.  Also, there is no actual money in Social Security.  IOU’s will not help.

6.      Defund the Pentagon—This will end America’s concern over the deficit, as the country that invades and conquers us will be forced to deal with it.  (DB) We can’t  ensure that Canada will be the country to invade us.  Also, all the fun we are having with wars around the globe, in Libya, Pakghanistan, Iraq and Argentina2 , will be off the table.  No more country building!

7.       Legalize Drugs, Prostitution and Gambling and Make Them Government Departments. There is a lot of money to be made through this idea.  (DB) a. Nevada tried this without success. b. It would be easier to change the spelling of A-m-e-r-i-c-a to say M-e-x-i-c-o. and c. The mob might object.

8.      Form The Ameri-Cents Corps.  Demand two years of public service from each young person upon their graduation from grade school (high school graduation rates are too low).  Arm them with metal detectors and send them out across the country to gather the riches buried in the good old American earth.  Metal detector companies advertise that thousands may be easily found with each metal detector. (DB) There are no longer any American companies that manufacture metal detectors. Ordering them from China (via Walmart) would raise the trade deficit by at least a factor of ten.

9.      Raise Taxes on the Rich. Returning to the income tax rates of the 1950’s will greatly reduce the deficit(As would just returning to the 1950’s, I suppose)  (DB) All of the megarich (top 1%) recently met at the Hyatt Hotel in Camden, NJ to prepare a response to this tactic.  If taxed, they will all move to Mississippi and force that State to secede from the Union.  They reason that no one in their right mind would go to war to force Mississippi to return to the Union.  Also, they realize that there are many American who feel that 49 stars, as 7 rows of 7, is more attractive than the current design3.

10.  Bash the Unions and Impoverish the Middle Class.  Many of the current crop of Governors find this great fun.  And, as they say, a happy Governor is a happy Governor4. (DB)  Aside from the bashing and impoverishing it accomplishes nothing at all.

11.   Make Politicians and Celebrities Pay. Make the pols and the celebs pay 1 million dollars for each thing they say that is false, stupid or cruel.  (DB) We would have to listen to endless discussions on cable news of whether or not something is “false, stupid or cruel.”  We might end up voting for or against a fine, as we do now with scientific theories—like evolution and global warming.

12.  Convince the Media That the Deficit is Under Control.  This is probably the most realistic of the ideas.  If the public hears “the deficit is under control” often enough, they will assume that it is true. And what they think is true, is true. Problem solved!

1Does anyone know what that might mean?

2You may not have heard about that one yet.

3What is the current design?

4Who is this ‘they?

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StevieslawConnectthedots: Goldman Sachs and Global Warming.

Posted on May 4, 2011 by stevieslaw

StevieslawConnecttheDots: Goldman Sachs and Global Warming

New calculations that suggest the melting of Arctic and Antarctic Ice will have us underwater sooner than we thought have not resonated with much of the American public and their elected leaders.  In fact, the only significant legislation pending in Congress is a bill to cut hot air exhaust in half, by forcing Rush Limbaugh to shut up.  Americans are still rightly confused about the reality of global warming, as many get their understanding of science from a badly translated text that is thousands of years out of date.

At Stevieslaw, we have learned to judge the truth of any proposition by considering how the obscenely rich corporations (ORCs) are approaching the problem.  To do this, we dispatched our intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, to the White Mountains of New Hampshire where Goldman Sachs is just starting to build their new corporate headquarters atop Mt. Washington.  Smokey caught up with Ian Floemm, mouth of Goldman.  Mr. Floemm, speaking in an oddly hollow voice, was able to clarify the reasons for the new corporate location.  “It has nothing at all to do with global warming,” he assured Smokey.  “We choose to build here for two reasons: first, the astonishing view, and second, the exposure to the weather on the mountain—which is said to be the worst in the world—as a means to toughen up our executive class.” 

As he spoke, Mr. Floemm could not seem to leave an odd inflamed lump on his neck alone.  When Smokey asked about it, Ian explained, “in the interest of science, many upper level managers at Goldman-Sachs have volunteered for a phase 1 trial of embryonic stem cells from sharks.”  “The rumor that managers here are attempting to grow gills is completely unfounded,” he informed Smokey in no uncertain terms.

Stevieslaw is currently considering a move to the top of a very large Oak tree across the street, although Smokey—more than most—is opposed to the idea of being stuck in a tree.

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