Stevieslaw: When is a Rainy Day Not

Posted on May 11, 2011 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: When is a Rainy Day Not

Our local Newspaper, The Centre Daily Times, published a partial headline today.  They often do.  Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, picked it up right away.  The headline was: GOP plan restores school funds.  The missing part was: On the Backs of the Poor.

The headline was misleading in any event.  Only part of the public school funding will be restored and only those parts of public welfare that are wasteful or fraudulent will be cut.  You might well ask why we have been funding wasteful and fraudulent public welfare up to now.  Well, you might ask.  The cynical among you will imagine that the change of plans for the GOP was based on the realization that supporters of public education were more likely to vote and to contribute to reelection campaigns than were the neediest.

Smokey ran down Jim Smiley, spokesman for the PA Republican Caucus, and asked him what was responsible for the change in strategy.  Jim said, “Simple. We came to the realization that supporters of public education were more likely to vote and to contribute to reelection campaigns than were the neediest.”

Smokey also wanted to hear about the GOP reluctance to use a windfall, half billion dollar budget surplus to help balance next year’s deficit.  “We need to replenish the rainy day fund,” said Smiley.  “But isn’t it raining as hard as it can now,” countered Smokey.  “If it’s winter, snowing and you come upon the money to fix a broken window so your family can be warm, don’t you fix it?” “No, no,” said Jimmy, “It’s not my family. My windows are fine and by the time the GOP policies are in place, windows will be the least of the worries for some.”  “A hard rains a’gonna fall.”

Posted in Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: Tom Corbett to Seek Historic Site Legislation

Posted on May 9, 2011 by stevieslaw

The news that fracking firms could drill at will at archeological sites of importance created a furor today in the offices of Tom Corbett, Governor of Pennsylvania and man of the people. Our own intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, was dispatched to Harrisburg for the story.  Smokey met with Ben Loudly, voice of the Governor, who confirmed that “Tom is very concerned.” “What we fear, of course,” he said with emotion, “is that ghosts of Native Americans roused by the drilling process will begin to haunt energy executives and high placed government officials.”  “Today, we will introduce serious anti-haunting legislation to prohibit any sort of nightmarish reprisals from long dead, Native Americans.”  “We must always keep in our minds that overtired fracking firm executives might make mistakes that reduce both profits and contributions to the governor’s reelection campaign.”  Loudly concluded by stating, “We expect this legislation to pass quickly through both Republican controlled legislative chambers.” “Enforcement rules will certainly be in place well before this Halloween.”

Anyone remember the old Joni Mitchell song, Big Yellow Taxi. It seems somehow appropriate.

They paved paradise

And put up a parking lot

With a pink hotel, a boutique

And a swinging hot SPOT

Don’t it always seem to go

That you don’t know what you’ve got

‘Til it’s gone

They paved paradise

And put up a parking lot

They took all the trees

And put them in a tree museum

Then they charged the people

A dollar and a half just to see ’em

Don’t it always seem to go,

That you don’t know what you’ve got

‘Til it’s gone

They paved paradise

And put up a parking lot

Hey farmer, farmer

Put away that DDT now

Give me spots on my apples

But LEAVE me the birds and the bees

Please!

Don’t it always seem to go

That you don’t know what you’ve got

‘Til its gone

They paved paradise

And put up a parking lot

Late last night

I heard the screen door slam

And a big yellow taxi

Come and took away my old man

Don’t it always seem to go

That you don’t know what you’ve got

‘Til it’s gone

They paved paradise

And put up a parking lot

I said

Don’t it always seem to go

That you don’t know what you’ve got

‘Til it’s gone

They paved paradise

And put up a parking lot

They paved paradise

And put up a parking lot

They paved paradise

And put up a parking lot

Posted in Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: My Banner Year

Posted on May 5, 2011 by stevieslaw

My Banner Year

We stormed out

today to face

the gardened

spring.  First

to clear the

sorry dead  

we adventured

with last year—

both Lowes and

odd name tags

still hanging sad

and limp from

the blackened

branches of the

plants mowed

down by winter’s

machine pistols—

spattered ice and snow.

It makes no never

mind, as they say

in my part of

Pennsylvania—

an expression

I have come some

40 years to accept.

This year my

garden will be

featured on the

cover of “Home

and Gardening

Magazine,” with a

centerfold so lush

it will paint me

red to recognize I

planted it by hand.

Posted in Humor, poetry | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: Voices of Central Pa Column

Posted on May 5, 2011 by stevieslaw

For those of you without access to the Voices of Central PA article, here it is:

Reducing the Deficit—the Hottest Ideas.

Now that Wall Street has reminded our Federal Government that they are not too big to fail, and that Goldman-Sachs is unlikely to bail them out in event of a default, it is time to get serious about the deficit.  We, the publishers, of the Less-intelligent-than-average Americans Guides (LAG) are presenting a dozen of the most talked about deficit reduction ideas. We will also present some of the drawbacks (DB) of the current ideas.

1.      Elect More Democrats—(DB) A really stupid idea.

2.      Elect More Republican—(DB) See above.

3.      Elect More Members of the Tea Party—They are, after all, willing to cut anything without a second thought (Governor Rick Scott of Florida told the his legislature, “Don’t Blink, Just Cut1).  (DB) Having the Tea Party govern America would be much like hiring the Temperance League to cater the 50th Anniversary Celebration for your wine tasting group.

4.      Abolish Medicare—In an elaborate ceremony, declare all seniors who are eligible for Medicare, Doctors.  At the end, intone “Physician Heal Thyself.” (DB) It is likely that the AMA will object when life expectancy rises and death rates fall.

5.      End Social Security—Give all seniors one month to move in with their adult children.  (DB) The adult children would have a whole month in which to hide.  Also, there is no actual money in Social Security.  IOU’s will not help.

6.      Defund the Pentagon—This will end America’s concern over the deficit, as the country that invades and conquers us will be forced to deal with it.  (DB) We can’t  ensure that Canada will be the country to invade us.  Also, all the fun we are having with wars around the globe, in Libya, Pakghanistan, Iraq and Argentina2 , will be off the table.  No more country building!

7.       Legalize Drugs, Prostitution and Gambling and Make Them Government Departments. There is a lot of money to be made through this idea.  (DB) a. Nevada tried this without success. b. It would be easier to change the spelling of A-m-e-r-i-c-a to say M-e-x-i-c-o. and c. The mob might object.

8.      Form The Ameri-Cents Corps.  Demand two years of public service from each young person upon their graduation from grade school (high school graduation rates are too low).  Arm them with metal detectors and send them out across the country to gather the riches buried in the good old American earth.  Metal detector companies advertise that thousands may be easily found with each metal detector. (DB) There are no longer any American companies that manufacture metal detectors. Ordering them from China (via Walmart) would raise the trade deficit by at least a factor of ten.

9.      Raise Taxes on the Rich. Returning to the income tax rates of the 1950’s will greatly reduce the deficit(As would just returning to the 1950’s, I suppose)  (DB) All of the megarich (top 1%) recently met at the Hyatt Hotel in Camden, NJ to prepare a response to this tactic.  If taxed, they will all move to Mississippi and force that State to secede from the Union.  They reason that no one in their right mind would go to war to force Mississippi to return to the Union.  Also, they realize that there are many American who feel that 49 stars, as 7 rows of 7, is more attractive than the current design3.

10.  Bash the Unions and Impoverish the Middle Class.  Many of the current crop of Governors find this great fun.  And, as they say, a happy Governor is a happy Governor4. (DB)  Aside from the bashing and impoverishing it accomplishes nothing at all.

11.   Make Politicians and Celebrities Pay. Make the pols and the celebs pay 1 million dollars for each thing they say that is false, stupid or cruel.  (DB) We would have to listen to endless discussions on cable news of whether or not something is “false, stupid or cruel.”  We might end up voting for or against a fine, as we do now with scientific theories—like evolution and global warming.

12.  Convince the Media That the Deficit is Under Control.  This is probably the most realistic of the ideas.  If the public hears “the deficit is under control” often enough, they will assume that it is true. And what they think is true, is true. Problem solved!

1Does anyone know what that might mean?

2You may not have heard about that one yet.

3What is the current design?

4Who is this ‘they?

Posted in Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , | Leave a comment

StevieslawConnectthedots: Goldman Sachs and Global Warming.

Posted on May 4, 2011 by stevieslaw

StevieslawConnecttheDots: Goldman Sachs and Global Warming

New calculations that suggest the melting of Arctic and Antarctic Ice will have us underwater sooner than we thought have not resonated with much of the American public and their elected leaders.  In fact, the only significant legislation pending in Congress is a bill to cut hot air exhaust in half, by forcing Rush Limbaugh to shut up.  Americans are still rightly confused about the reality of global warming, as many get their understanding of science from a badly translated text that is thousands of years out of date.

At Stevieslaw, we have learned to judge the truth of any proposition by considering how the obscenely rich corporations (ORCs) are approaching the problem.  To do this, we dispatched our intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, to the White Mountains of New Hampshire where Goldman Sachs is just starting to build their new corporate headquarters atop Mt. Washington.  Smokey caught up with Ian Floemm, mouth of Goldman.  Mr. Floemm, speaking in an oddly hollow voice, was able to clarify the reasons for the new corporate location.  “It has nothing at all to do with global warming,” he assured Smokey.  “We choose to build here for two reasons: first, the astonishing view, and second, the exposure to the weather on the mountain—which is said to be the worst in the world—as a means to toughen up our executive class.” 

As he spoke, Mr. Floemm could not seem to leave an odd inflamed lump on his neck alone.  When Smokey asked about it, Ian explained, “in the interest of science, many upper level managers at Goldman-Sachs have volunteered for a phase 1 trial of embryonic stem cells from sharks.”  “The rumor that managers here are attempting to grow gills is completely unfounded,” he informed Smokey in no uncertain terms.

Stevieslaw is currently considering a move to the top of a very large Oak tree across the street, although Smokey—more than most—is opposed to the idea of being stuck in a tree.

Posted in Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stevieslawsuggests: Getting Out of Dodge.

Posted on May 2, 2011 by stevieslaw

Many of us woke to the long-awaited news that Osama Bin Laden had been killed by U.S. forces, in an early morning raid on his hide-out in Pakghanistan, just down the street from the Pakistani’s major military academy.  Those of us that wake to Fox News learned that it was Obama Bin Laden that had been killed, but no matter, I’m sure they meant well—and the letter “b” is really very close to the letter “s” on the keyboard.*  Anyway you slice it, this is very good news and we should immediately turn to the next question.  How soon can we get our troops out of Pakghanistan? Why should we leave now, you ask? Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, gives you the big three reasons:

  1. The Taliban have a killing season. They announce the start of their Spring Offensive as a rock group might announce their concert dates.  You expect to hear that tickets are available at most major outlets and there is no reserve seating.  How crazy is that?  We used to think that this war was Vietnam revisited, but can anyone imagine the Vietcong announcing that the Tet offensive will start in two days—sorry for the delay, but we have had our problems getting S. Vietnamese Ranger uniforms. Grandma Smokey always said, “Never fight anyone crazier than you are.”
  2. The Taliban have help from our allies. A major and critically correct decision was not to tell our allies, the Pakistanis, about our plans to kill one of their residents on their territory using American equipment and soldiers. Did you notice that we couldn’t even tell the Pakistanis to help us retrieve our damaged helicopter? It made more sense to blow it up.  And, considering their best intelligence was that Bin Laden was dead or in Iran, we are forced to believe that their military officers and cadets walked past bin Laden’s place just over 4 million times in the past 10 years without once asking, “I wonder who lives there.”  “Over there.” “There, in the big out of place mansion with the 18 foot fence, barbed wire, and security gates.” Did they never once try to sell a raffle ticket for, say a personal nuke, to the tall Arabic-looking guy who lived there? Grandma said, “Never tell the twitchy guy who likes both knives and torturing cats to watch your back at the rumble on Amboy Street.”
  3. General Petraeus is leaving Pakghanistan to head the CIA.  Talk about Scylla and Charybdis.  He’s done about as well as anyone could do in Iraq and Pakghanistan and it is fitting that, for once, he leave with his troops.  Apparently, the troops still in Iraq cannot break their contract and must stay for another million years.  Also, the leaving “Dodge” scene will make for great movies for at least 20 years.  Think of it as a John Wayne moment.  Petraeus , on his great white horse, leads column after column of blue coated cavalry out of the country, as someone—perhaps the next winner of American Idol—sings, “On Her Hair She Wore a Yellow Ribbon.” Grandma might have said it well. “Priceless.”
  • A curious thing on the Fox News website this morning as well.  There was no picture of Obama making the announcement, but there was a picture of W congratulating him.  It was as if Bush had finally gotten his man with a little help from an assistant.  Just saying.
Posted in Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: Voices of Central PA.

Posted on May 2, 2011 by stevieslaw

Starting with this, the May issue, I will have a column in Voices of Central PA.  This month’s piece is a look at plans to reduce or eliminate the deficit.  Serious stuff. Please have a look.

Posted in Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , | Leave a comment

StevieslawWonders: Come again, Tom Corbett.

Posted on April 29, 2011 by stevieslaw

There are signs of high-anxiety in Pennsylvania. Although spring is sprung, the grass has not yet riz and the birdies aren’t.  People are taking it hard as well.  Many are unkempt, unshaven and uncommunicative.  They wander around and mutter to themselves, as if trying to make sense of what is being done and said around them. Pennsylvania needs help.

The confusion starts at the top.  Tom Corbett, recently elected Governor, and man of the people has not made a sensible statement since taking office.  It’s fashionable to say that about the current crop of Republican Governors, but in Old Tom’s case it’s true. Last night, he said that State and State-related Universities could recover some of the 50% cut he had proposed for them, by getting in on the Marcellus Shale bonanza.  Presumably Penn State Energy and University could afford to educate students and contribute to Tom’s reelection if only they would lease everything but Beaver Stadium to a Fracking firm.   The day before, Tom told us that if he were to tax the extraction of natural gas from the shale, as every other major energy producing state does, the Fracking firms would sit on their deeds and not produce gas in poor old Pennsylvania.  For you history buffs out there, this remark might very well have made sense in 1952 when oil was $2.57 per barrel—today’s price is $114 per barrel. 

That’s just his last two comments. We’re sure you have your personal favorite.

So what’s the deal with Tom Corbett?  Our intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, has started what will prove to be an invaluable poll.  We have tried to cover all the possibilities for Tom’s behavior in a scientific manner, by sitting around over coffee and tuna and scribbling them on the back of an envelope. So vote for your favorites.  They are not mutually exclusive.

Tom Corbett is:

  1. Evil and believes we are dumb.
  2. Evil and doesn’t care what we believe.
  3. Stupid.
  4. Drugged out.
  5. Not drugged out enough.

 

We will have your results tabulated as soon as we can make them up.  Thanks for voting.  If only you had voted in 2010.

Posted in Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

StevieslawConspTheory101: I Believe, I Do I Believe It’s True…

Posted on April 28, 2011 by stevieslaw

Psst.  Psst. You. Yes, you.  Now that the President has shown he was born in the USA, I bet you are looking for another conspiracy theory to latch onto.  I have one right here in the inside pocket of my raincoat.  Closer.  Yes, you.  Don’t you want to be the first person that I tell about it. It’s a doozy.

Americans are dumb and they are likely to get dumber. Yesterday, on the John Stewart Daily Show Forum, someone wrote in about the solution of an equation that was apparently floating around on Facebook.  The equation was: 6-2(1+2)=?  As of late last night, the correspondent wrote, roughly half of the 300000 people who tried to solve it got it wrong.  The nice thing about the story—which is true of any good story—is it doesn’t matter if it is “factually accurate” or not. The point is, it’s believable.

So, if that little example shows that many Americans have not been getting a quality education, imagine what our future will look like with the significant cuts Republican Governors have been proposing for all levels of public education?  Private school vouchers for the few, at the expense of public education? Terrific idea.  And so, so much kinder than distributing blankets infested with smallpox to the natives of poor neighborhoods across our farms and cities.

So, if you would like a little conspiracy theory, you might ask yourself who benefits from a poorly educated population.  Gee, that’s a tough one.  Anyone have a calculator?

The title of this piece is from the great Tom Paxton song, I Believe, I Do:

I Believe, I do, I believe its true.
I believe exactly what they tell me to.
I believe, I do. I believe its true.
I’m a simple guy, I believe.

Oh the building inspector came around,
And he poked his head inside my door
Just as the plaster missed his head
Then he smiled and said,
“Well the building looks quite safe to me.”

And I believe, I do, I believe its true.
I believe exactly what they tell me to.
I believe, I do. I believe its true.
I’m a simple guy, I believe.

The politician told me just the other day,
That he really didn’t want the job at all,
But he would make this sacrifice for me,
If I would only place my trust in him.

And I believe, I do. I believe its true.
I believe exactly what they tell me to.
I believe, I do. I believe its true.
I’m a simple guy, I believe.

And the labor leader told his membership,
That his limousine was no extravagance at all.
His cocktail parties at Miami Beach,
Merely helped him roll the Union on.

And I believe, I do. I believe its true.
I believe exactly what they tell me to.
I believe, I do. I believe its true.
I’m a simple guy, I believe.

The Commissioner of Public Safety called,
On the people to support their local cops,
Who never ever use any extra force,
When a kindly word would do as well.

And I Believe, I do. I believe its true.
I believe exactly what they tell me to.
I believe, I do. I believe its true.
I’m a simple guy, I believe.

  And there seem to be even more believers than ever these days.
Posted in Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

StevieslawBofRights: Don’t Shoot. We Give Up.

Posted on April 27, 2011 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw:  Don’t Shoot. We Give Up.

It seems that at least once a week our local newspaper, The Centre Daily Times, treats us to an article about the six “w’s” of the gun law. Today it was, “Leaders debate guns in parks.”  We would like the gun lobby to know that we will do anything to not have to see another senseless article on gun control.  Our hands are up. Don’t shoot.

Take your Glock wherever you like. Take it to school, just in case the teacher assigns too much homework or the kid in the next row “disrespects” you.  Bring it to church, in case you are attacked by a rival denomination.  Take it to the movie theatre, in case the villains leave the screen and wander through the audience looking for victims.  Take it to the supermarket, in case you need to defend the ten items or less check-out line.  Take it to the park, in case Smokey the Bear mouths off about fire safety.  Take it to the bathroom, in case you are constipated.  Take it to make love, in case you need backup. And remember to take it to heaven, in case you need to defend your cloud—‘cause who the hell knows how up to date St. Peter’s terrorist check list is.

Posted in Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , | Comments Off on StevieslawBofRights: Don’t Shoot. We Give Up.