Stevieslawsuggests: Getting Out of Dodge.

Posted on May 2, 2011 by stevieslaw

Many of us woke to the long-awaited news that Osama Bin Laden had been killed by U.S. forces, in an early morning raid on his hide-out in Pakghanistan, just down the street from the Pakistani’s major military academy.  Those of us that wake to Fox News learned that it was Obama Bin Laden that had been killed, but no matter, I’m sure they meant well—and the letter “b” is really very close to the letter “s” on the keyboard.*  Anyway you slice it, this is very good news and we should immediately turn to the next question.  How soon can we get our troops out of Pakghanistan? Why should we leave now, you ask? Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, gives you the big three reasons:

  1. The Taliban have a killing season. They announce the start of their Spring Offensive as a rock group might announce their concert dates.  You expect to hear that tickets are available at most major outlets and there is no reserve seating.  How crazy is that?  We used to think that this war was Vietnam revisited, but can anyone imagine the Vietcong announcing that the Tet offensive will start in two days—sorry for the delay, but we have had our problems getting S. Vietnamese Ranger uniforms. Grandma Smokey always said, “Never fight anyone crazier than you are.”
  2. The Taliban have help from our allies. A major and critically correct decision was not to tell our allies, the Pakistanis, about our plans to kill one of their residents on their territory using American equipment and soldiers. Did you notice that we couldn’t even tell the Pakistanis to help us retrieve our damaged helicopter? It made more sense to blow it up.  And, considering their best intelligence was that Bin Laden was dead or in Iran, we are forced to believe that their military officers and cadets walked past bin Laden’s place just over 4 million times in the past 10 years without once asking, “I wonder who lives there.”  “Over there.” “There, in the big out of place mansion with the 18 foot fence, barbed wire, and security gates.” Did they never once try to sell a raffle ticket for, say a personal nuke, to the tall Arabic-looking guy who lived there? Grandma said, “Never tell the twitchy guy who likes both knives and torturing cats to watch your back at the rumble on Amboy Street.”
  3. General Petraeus is leaving Pakghanistan to head the CIA.  Talk about Scylla and Charybdis.  He’s done about as well as anyone could do in Iraq and Pakghanistan and it is fitting that, for once, he leave with his troops.  Apparently, the troops still in Iraq cannot break their contract and must stay for another million years.  Also, the leaving “Dodge” scene will make for great movies for at least 20 years.  Think of it as a John Wayne moment.  Petraeus , on his great white horse, leads column after column of blue coated cavalry out of the country, as someone—perhaps the next winner of American Idol—sings, “On Her Hair She Wore a Yellow Ribbon.” Grandma might have said it well. “Priceless.”
  • A curious thing on the Fox News website this morning as well.  There was no picture of Obama making the announcement, but there was a picture of W congratulating him.  It was as if Bush had finally gotten his man with a little help from an assistant.  Just saying.
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Stevieslaw: Voices of Central PA.

Posted on May 2, 2011 by stevieslaw

Starting with this, the May issue, I will have a column in Voices of Central PA.  This month’s piece is a look at plans to reduce or eliminate the deficit.  Serious stuff. Please have a look.

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StevieslawWonders: Come again, Tom Corbett.

Posted on April 29, 2011 by stevieslaw

There are signs of high-anxiety in Pennsylvania. Although spring is sprung, the grass has not yet riz and the birdies aren’t.  People are taking it hard as well.  Many are unkempt, unshaven and uncommunicative.  They wander around and mutter to themselves, as if trying to make sense of what is being done and said around them. Pennsylvania needs help.

The confusion starts at the top.  Tom Corbett, recently elected Governor, and man of the people has not made a sensible statement since taking office.  It’s fashionable to say that about the current crop of Republican Governors, but in Old Tom’s case it’s true. Last night, he said that State and State-related Universities could recover some of the 50% cut he had proposed for them, by getting in on the Marcellus Shale bonanza.  Presumably Penn State Energy and University could afford to educate students and contribute to Tom’s reelection if only they would lease everything but Beaver Stadium to a Fracking firm.   The day before, Tom told us that if he were to tax the extraction of natural gas from the shale, as every other major energy producing state does, the Fracking firms would sit on their deeds and not produce gas in poor old Pennsylvania.  For you history buffs out there, this remark might very well have made sense in 1952 when oil was $2.57 per barrel—today’s price is $114 per barrel. 

That’s just his last two comments. We’re sure you have your personal favorite.

So what’s the deal with Tom Corbett?  Our intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, has started what will prove to be an invaluable poll.  We have tried to cover all the possibilities for Tom’s behavior in a scientific manner, by sitting around over coffee and tuna and scribbling them on the back of an envelope. So vote for your favorites.  They are not mutually exclusive.

Tom Corbett is:

  1. Evil and believes we are dumb.
  2. Evil and doesn’t care what we believe.
  3. Stupid.
  4. Drugged out.
  5. Not drugged out enough.

 

We will have your results tabulated as soon as we can make them up.  Thanks for voting.  If only you had voted in 2010.

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StevieslawConspTheory101: I Believe, I Do I Believe It’s True…

Posted on April 28, 2011 by stevieslaw

Psst.  Psst. You. Yes, you.  Now that the President has shown he was born in the USA, I bet you are looking for another conspiracy theory to latch onto.  I have one right here in the inside pocket of my raincoat.  Closer.  Yes, you.  Don’t you want to be the first person that I tell about it. It’s a doozy.

Americans are dumb and they are likely to get dumber. Yesterday, on the John Stewart Daily Show Forum, someone wrote in about the solution of an equation that was apparently floating around on Facebook.  The equation was: 6-2(1+2)=?  As of late last night, the correspondent wrote, roughly half of the 300000 people who tried to solve it got it wrong.  The nice thing about the story—which is true of any good story—is it doesn’t matter if it is “factually accurate” or not. The point is, it’s believable.

So, if that little example shows that many Americans have not been getting a quality education, imagine what our future will look like with the significant cuts Republican Governors have been proposing for all levels of public education?  Private school vouchers for the few, at the expense of public education? Terrific idea.  And so, so much kinder than distributing blankets infested with smallpox to the natives of poor neighborhoods across our farms and cities.

So, if you would like a little conspiracy theory, you might ask yourself who benefits from a poorly educated population.  Gee, that’s a tough one.  Anyone have a calculator?

The title of this piece is from the great Tom Paxton song, I Believe, I Do:

I Believe, I do, I believe its true.
I believe exactly what they tell me to.
I believe, I do. I believe its true.
I’m a simple guy, I believe.

Oh the building inspector came around,
And he poked his head inside my door
Just as the plaster missed his head
Then he smiled and said,
“Well the building looks quite safe to me.”

And I believe, I do, I believe its true.
I believe exactly what they tell me to.
I believe, I do. I believe its true.
I’m a simple guy, I believe.

The politician told me just the other day,
That he really didn’t want the job at all,
But he would make this sacrifice for me,
If I would only place my trust in him.

And I believe, I do. I believe its true.
I believe exactly what they tell me to.
I believe, I do. I believe its true.
I’m a simple guy, I believe.

And the labor leader told his membership,
That his limousine was no extravagance at all.
His cocktail parties at Miami Beach,
Merely helped him roll the Union on.

And I believe, I do. I believe its true.
I believe exactly what they tell me to.
I believe, I do. I believe its true.
I’m a simple guy, I believe.

The Commissioner of Public Safety called,
On the people to support their local cops,
Who never ever use any extra force,
When a kindly word would do as well.

And I Believe, I do. I believe its true.
I believe exactly what they tell me to.
I believe, I do. I believe its true.
I’m a simple guy, I believe.

  And there seem to be even more believers than ever these days.
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StevieslawBofRights: Don’t Shoot. We Give Up.

Posted on April 27, 2011 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw:  Don’t Shoot. We Give Up.

It seems that at least once a week our local newspaper, The Centre Daily Times, treats us to an article about the six “w’s” of the gun law. Today it was, “Leaders debate guns in parks.”  We would like the gun lobby to know that we will do anything to not have to see another senseless article on gun control.  Our hands are up. Don’t shoot.

Take your Glock wherever you like. Take it to school, just in case the teacher assigns too much homework or the kid in the next row “disrespects” you.  Bring it to church, in case you are attacked by a rival denomination.  Take it to the movie theatre, in case the villains leave the screen and wander through the audience looking for victims.  Take it to the supermarket, in case you need to defend the ten items or less check-out line.  Take it to the park, in case Smokey the Bear mouths off about fire safety.  Take it to the bathroom, in case you are constipated.  Take it to make love, in case you need backup. And remember to take it to heaven, in case you need to defend your cloud—‘cause who the hell knows how up to date St. Peter’s terrorist check list is.

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Smokey Diamond: The Intrepid Reporter

Posted on April 27, 2011 by stevieslaw

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StevieslawExclusive: The Donald, Barack Hussein Obama, and the Taliban Tunnel

Posted on April 26, 2011 by stevieslaw

Donald Trump has been running hard against Barack Obama, even though it’s quite early in the race for the Presidency.  Trump has been arguing that there is no evidence to prove that Obama was born in America.  More recently, he questioned how Obama, whom he described as a “terrible student,” could get into Columbia and then Harvard.  “I have friends who have smart sons…with great everything and they can’t get into Harvard,” Trump is quoted as saying.  As many of you might not remember— perhaps because it never happened, Trump also questioned the legacy admission of George W. Bush to Yale, during the 2000 and 2004 campaigns. You might, however, recall that Bush finished with a gentleman “C” average while Obama was the first black president of the Harvard Law Review.

At Stevieslaw, we recognize serious discussion when we hear it, so when Mr. Trump announced this morning he had new and even more startling disclosures to make about Obama, we sent our intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, to hear it.  During the news conference, The Donald made it clear that he was not directly accusing Mr. Obama of any crime.  “What I am forced to  investigate,” he stated, “ is the question of Mr. Obama’s whereabouts on the night five-hundred Taliban prisoners escaped from an institution in Pakghanistan.”  “We all know,” he continued “that a break-out of this magnitude could not be accomplished without some help form highly placed sources.”  “We also know that Hussein Obama is one of the few people on the planet that can fly to Pakghanistan on a moment’s notice.”  “In addition, my operatives have found a well-worn shovel and a pair of leather gloves in Mr. Obama’s size somewhere near the White House.”  “Is this just another coincidence, Mr. President?”  “Trust me” he said, “The people will judge.”

A spokesperson for Obama would only say, “We always take seriously, comments and questions from Mr. Trump, who is after all, a representative of the most moderate wing of the Republican Party.

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StevieslawPubServAnn: Squelching the Naturally Gaseous Rumors

Posted on April 25, 2011 by stevieslaw

David Caruso, of the Associated Press, reports in this morning’s Centre Daily Times that the natural gas industry will stop using riverside water treatment plants to get rid of millions of barrels of tainted wastewater that results from fracking.  The treatment plants are not currently set up to remove the salts and radioactivity associated with the waste.  The article points out that it was the industry, not the PA-DEP that initially requested that the practice be discontinued.

Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, set up a “man in the street” interview near the courthouse in Bellefonte, this morning, to find out what the public thought of this.  Three major points emerged:

  1. 96.1% thought that disposal through water treatment plants was “expensive,”
  2. 99.8%  thought that the water treatment would get more expensive as the treatment plants geared up to handle the salt and radioactivity, and
  3. 100% thought that it was no doubt cheaper to bury the water in Ohio or to reuse it.

Somewhat more troubling was the rumor, which Smokey picked up at the courthouse, that the natural gas industry was planning on bottling the water and selling it as a mineral-rich, health food supplement.  Smokey was up at fracking headquarters, just outside Scranton, in a flash to check on this disturbing rumor.  Tomuc Methan, spokesperson for the industry, decked out in an orange “Take the Bromide Challenge” t-shirt and hat, responded, “ATT, we have no plans to bottle this energetic, mineral rich resource and sell it back to the public.”  “BTW, did you know that the resource is naturally fizzy?” he added.   “Excuse me,” asked Smokey, “but what does ATT mean?”  “Oh,” responded Tomuc, “At this time, of course.”

In Joseph Heller’s novel, “Catch 22,” Milo Minderbinder has cornered the market on Egyptian cotton.  Unfortunately, no one is buying cotton but the Egyptians who buy it for a song and sell it back to him, and his corporation (which is orchestrating WWII and to which everyone has a share) is in danger of going under.  Milo tries to convince the main character, Yossarian, that the men must pitch in and learn to eat Egyptian cotton—because “what is good for Milo Minderbinder is good for the country.”  To make the cotton more palatable, he has coated it with chocolate.

“Actually, the mineral-rich, naturally fizzy, supplement, that comes in handy pint bottles that may be recycled, is not too bad with chocolate syrup,” reports Tomuc with a resounding burp. 

Have a sip.  Now, repeat after me, “What is good for the natural gas industry is good for the State.”

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Stevieslaw: A Good Citizenship Guide for Energy Producers.

Posted on April 21, 2011 by stevieslaw

Smokey Diamond was able to obtain The Good Citizenship Guide for Energy Production Corporations: A Primer this week.  It is surprisingly short.

  1. In applying for a permit to drill, blast, or frack, cite the extensive research you have done that shows “nothing bad could ever happen.”
  2. Using lawyers and lobbyists, buy as much government as you can afford.  The money you never really spent on extensive research should help.
  3. Have government confirm that your research claims are not only valid, but are uncontroversially so.
  4. Patiently explain that studies that claim the water supply will be damaged by your energy extraction is just propaganda being put forth by leftish, extremist, environmental terrorists.  Feel free to use photographs of Arabic looking men building bombs, in you print ads.
  5. Fight the environmentalists in court.  Let the case drag on for as long as possible. Appeal. Appeal. Appeal.
  6. Have government insist they will never let your corporation damage the water supply.
  7. Deny vehemently that the water supply has been damaged.
  8. Have government vehemently deny that the water supply has been damaged.
  9. Insist that the damage to the water supply is, in fact, quite minor.
  10. Argue that the prevalence of two-headed chickens, in the regions surrounding your corporate site, is not unique but has been happening recently all over the world.
  11. Move your operation ten miles down the road. Remember that there is no available technology to clean up the mess you made.  It makes no sense to try.
  12. In applying for a permit to drill, blast, or frack, cite the extensive research you have done that shows “nothing bad can ever happen.” Play up your recent experience in drilling, blasting or fracking.
  13. Repeat.
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StevieslawExclusive: Republican Primary to Air on Fox as the Reality-like Show, Lost Too.

Posted on April 20, 2011 by stevieslaw

Our own intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, has uncovered plans by the Republican National Committee to frame their 2012 primary race in terms of the popular TV show “Lost.” The Reality-like show will air on Fox News more or less 24 hours a day. Smokey has learned that the RNC has already contracted with the “Lost” Island for the year long show. The Island has, reportedly, been looking for work for several years now.  The show is, tentatively, to be called “Lost Too,” in deference to the earlier TV show and—adds Smokey—“to the probable tenor of the Republican debate.”

The RNC is not concerned that much of the public is unfamiliar with the plot of the original show. They feel that the plot can be as easily explained as say Michelle Bachmann’s economic plan for American prosperity. For the purpose of this article, Smokey provides the following basic outline of the original show. A cast of dozens survives the crash of a jetliner (submarine, sailboat, or galleon) on an evil/heavenly magical island.  Some bad/good people, who were either Native Born, or came to the Island with their pregnant, illegal immigrant mothers, are already there. The crash occurs again and again.  The cast, an interchangable collection of the good, the bad, and the ugly, face hardships, not the least of which is the plot. There is deceit and danger—also, danger and deceit. Things blow up. Many of the cast die.  Some die again and again, as death does or doesn’t matter and the characters live on in LA or on the Island in the past, present and future, simultaneously. There is even an evil/good billionaire, whose role on the show is never really defined. Got it so far?  While on the island, they must deal with a terrible evil, which is represented by Black smOke (get it, oh I hope so). In short, the show is both good TV and a good representation of what the Republican debate will seem like. The Republican hopefuls will assume the characters of their choice from the original show.  Multiple identities for the characters are clearly not a problem—reread the plot summary if you think it might matter. And remember, the casting is not meant to be factually accurate.

The smart money is betting that the candidates will go along with this plan for a host of reasons.  There is the promise of continuous coverage on Fox News.  A starring role on the show is a way for each of the Republican hopefuls to paint a portrait of someone able to overcome impossible challenges—a role they wish to inflict on the old, the poor and the infirm—in a carefully controlled environment. Anyone who has seen the show knows that the personalities and opinions of the characters can change from minute to minute—a huge selling point for the primaries.  The candidates will be comfortable in their roles, as the Republican candidates already live on a magical island, where things will and have happened because they want them to. An extra special attraction will be the license to say really, really, crazy crap, with the understanding that it will be interpreted as a plot complication. Some few problems remain.  One, is the question of who will play the foreign born characters?  Hopefully, some candidates will reason that if the foreign born Barack Obama could be made President, why not other foreign born characters?  Another problem is Donald Trump, who will undoubtedly wish to buy his own island.

Our RNC insider further confided to Smokey that one relatively minor candidate did not pass an initial screen test. Former Senator Rick Santorum will not be allowed to travel to the island. Rick was recently featured in a Time magazine article that identified the three most boring people on the planet. “Santorum, as I needn’t remind people in Pennsylvania,” said our source, “can bore a normal human being to death by uttering even a single declarative sentence.”  “He is just bad TV,” she said.

Later:

Smokey was able to reach spokesperson, Don Dither, at the DNC for his thoughts on the primary reality show.  Dither said, “Off hand, I don’t think the idea will get traction.” When pressed, Don replied, “The Democrats will form, over the next few days, a committee to study the action of the Republicans and to offer a strategy to combat it.”  “As has been the case in the past and part of our long tradition, we will offer no action until just after all harm has been done.  Buttons, t-shirts and posters have just been released by the RNC to publicize the new show. “They are first rate,” offered Ms. Diamond.  “I particularly like the button of Obama going up in black smoke with the logo, Don’t Vote for the Smoke.”

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