Stevieslaw Exclusive: Secret Service Code Names (Steve Bannon now Wormtongue)

Posted on January 27, 2017 by stevieslaw

Let’s make it happen

stevieslaw's avatarStevie's Law

Stevieslaw Exclusive: Secret Service code names(Steve Bannon now Wormtongue)

It has long been known that the Secret Service uses code names for the President, Vice-President and his closest advisors so they may react to an emergency without letting an adversary know what they are responding to.

Now, our very own political correspondent, Smokey Diamond, has come up with the names the Secret Service will be using for the new administration. Smokey tells us that the names have been derived from the last two volumes of The Ring Trilogy by J.R.R. Tolkien. In the interest of National Security, Smokey has refused to divulge the codes used for Donald Trump or Mike Pence (feel free to pencil in Sauron and Saruman next to their names if you like), but citing that same national security, Smokey is thrilled to be able to tell everyone that Steve Bannon is now know as Grima Wormtongue.

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Stevieslaw: House Republicans form Hosanna Choir to praise Trump

Posted on January 25, 2017 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: House Republicans form hosanna choir to praise Trump

Some fear that the Trump years will be hard on artists, writers and performers based on recent tweets that suggest Trump will cancel funding for the National Endowment for the Arts and Public Broadcasting. But, Kellyanne Conway wants to assure people that their will always be room for artists—writers, singers, sculptors and portrait painters, who are willing to sing the praises of Donald J.

As if to emphasize the need for this, House Republicans this weekend formed a hosanna choir to sing the praises of the President—particularly when he accomplishes more ordinary things. Said Speaker Paul Ryan, “We in the House of Representatives strongly feel that all Americans will be better off if Trump is continuously praised. To accomplish this, we have formed a choir to follow Trump about as he performs his more ordinary functions.”

“We have writers working feverishly to compose paeans to Trump’s everyday accomplishments.” Said Kevin McCarthy—House Majority Leader, “Just today, we were able to sing the praises of a particularly accomplished Trump bowel movement.”

“It was huge,” said Ryan. “The best bowel movement ever.”

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Stevieslaw: After Tet

Posted on January 24, 2017 by stevieslaw

My poem appears in the new issue of Misfit Magazine (misfit magazine.net.

After Tet

Rick got the glasses
in Tokyo, on R&R
and the shrapnel in Khe Sanh.
He said they turned sunlight
to a kaleidoscope of color
and after the mortars
hit their tent at dawn
the ground about looked
like crushed strawberries.

That year, the Beatles left for India.
We sang of lonely hearts
and of fields that were forever,
while people took bullets
for their beliefs
or for nothing much at all.
The cities burned.

Rick said that he’d bought
the glasses
for next to nothing,
at a head shop
in Shimokita—
the coolest part of Tokyo,
because he could
no longer stand
to look
into his own eyes.

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Stevieslaw: Did Bob Dylan serenade Kellyanne Conway?

Posted on January 23, 2017 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Did Dylan Describe Conway?

Bob Dylan today denied that his song “Idiot Wind” was written with Kellyanne Conway in mind. Dylan pointed out that the song was first released on the album “Blood on the Tracks,” in 1975, when Kellyanne when 8 years old.

Still, Dylan was forced to admit that the chorus presented a particularly compelling picture of Ms. Conway. Mr Dylan said, “prescience in poetry is not confined to my work, but is a rather common occurrence.”

The chorus, as some of you might remember describes a woman’s compulsive lying with:

Idiot wind
Blowing every time you move your mouth
Blowing down the back roads headin’ south
Idiot wind
Blowing every time you move your teeth
You’re an idiot, babe
It’s a wonder that you still know how to breathe

Here at Stevieslaw, we find it hard to believe it wasn’t written with Kellyanne in mind.

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Stevieslaw: inauguration News–Trump to Sing

Posted on January 18, 2017 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Inauguration News—Trump to Sing

Donald Trump announced in a series of early morning tweets that he would be the one to sing the National Anthem at his inauguration. “Bunchalosers want to do it,” he tweeted at 5:45, which was followed by a 6:10 tweet saying: I’m going to sing it myself—and it will be the best rendition of the Star Spangled Banner ever sung—ever.” And at 6:22, “nobody could ever sing it as well as I can sing it—it will be huge.”

Ton Def, Trump’s entertainment director, confirmed that the President-Elect will sing, telling Stevieslaw that moreover, “he will not need a military band to do a terrific job—Mr. Trump will sing all three stanzas of the anthem “a cappella.”

The New York Times reports that the number of people saying that they would watch the Inauguration has jumped from an anemic 42,000 to more than 6 billion, wordwide.

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How We Grew, poem by Steve Deutsch (ME, AT 17 Poetry and Prose Series)

Posted on January 16, 2017 by stevieslaw

just published by silver birch press

silverbirchpress's avatarSilver Birch Press

bob-cousyHow We Grew
by Steve Deutsch

The summer I turned seventeen
a girl I never knew leapt from her 8th floor window.
She fell soundlessly
to land some twenty feet from our pick-up game,
just as Fox’s one-hand set shot,
arced and graceful as a prayer,
clanged against the unforgiving rim.
My best friend, Red, threw up by the foul line.

It was a summer of sorting out.
In Vietnam, our country had need of its children.
Some of us — good at math,
good with words,
good at taking tests
were off to college — four years of a certain kind of diligence.
The others donned helmet and gun
and tried to make a deal
with a god they had no use for,
so that they might come home again.

I never knew what made her jump
on that perfect day in June,
when the wind, for once
blew…

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Stevieslaw: Congressional Republicans to Replace ACA with NAFT

Posted on January 13, 2017 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Congressional Republicans to Replace ACA with NAFT

The Republican leadership in both the House and the Senate have agreed that repealing Obamacare (ACA) is their highest legislative priority. They hope to have the law rendered null and void before the end of January. Critics of the repeal have been dismayed by their perception that although Republicans have been trying to repeal the law for eight years, they have not proposed an alternate plan.

Igot Mine, a spokesperson for Senator Mitch McConnell, said today in an interview with our intrepid reporter Smokey Diamond, “This perception is dead wrong.” Republicans have always known that they would replace the Affordable Care Act with NAFT—which is an acronym for “not a fucking thing. “Not a fucking thing” requires no Congressional hearings or floor votes, no paperwork, and no government structure and funding to provide for implementation. It doesn’t require a presidential signature. And, it is written in the language all Americans can easily understand.”

When pressed by Smokey about the cost of doing nothing—millions of citizens losing health insurance for one, Mr Mine replied, “as a consequence of any revolutionary legislative undertaking, there will be winners and losers—you know the expression, Smokey, you can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs.” “Twenty million eggs,” said Smokey. “Yeah, it’s one hell of a big omelette,” Igot said.

Mr. Mine went on to request, on behalf of Mr McConnell, to give “not a fucking thing” a chance when it comes to health care and Smokey was left to wonder just who would have a seat at the table and get to enjoy that enormous omelette.

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Stevieslaw: Trump Tweets” “No need for my nominees to be present at their hearing.”

Posted on January 10, 2017 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Trump Tweets, :“No Need for My Nominees to be Present at Their Hearings.”

Donald Trump argued today that his nominees for Cabinet positions should not be required to be present at their confirmation hearings. “No Need, No Need,” he tweeted. Donald spokesperson, Bill, confirmed the message and went on to say that Mr. Trump’s picks were busy and important people and the country would suffer greatly if they took time off from making great gobs of money to perform at Congressional hearings for which the resulting confirmations were already a given. It’s bad theatre,” he concluded.

In a subsequent tweet, Trump laid out his reasoning for all to see. Said our future President, “I picked these people and who picks people better than I do—no one, not ever. Just look at my huge results on Celebrity Apprentice—which had the highest ratings of any show ever, much higher ratings than that has-been Meryl Streep ever achieved for anything.”

Smokey Diamond is deeply depressed—off her catnip as we say at Stevieslaw. Well-wishes are welcome.

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Stevieslaw: Republican Leaders Explain Clean Coal

Posted on January 9, 2017 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Republicans Explain Clean Coal.

When China announced this week that it will spend 360 billion on clean energy through 2020, Congressional Republicans were pressured to respond. Both Lamar Smith (R. Texas) and Mitch McConnell (R. Kentucky) were clear that the future of American energy was in clean coal. McConnell is the Majority Leader of the Senate and Smith is the chairman of the U.S. House Science, Space and Technology Committee. Both also agree that human-influenced global warming is a hoax.

McConnell tried to explain the concept of Clean Coal to the American public. “The basic idea,” he said, “Is to add the adjective “clean” before the word “coal” each time it is written or spoken.” McConnell went on to note that “an adjective is a word that describes, identifies or further defines a noun or a pronoun.” Representative Smith remarked, “We know that many Americans will find the concept of an adjective technically challenging, but we just couldn’t avoid it if we were to detail our approach. “ Constant repetition of the words “clean coal” will eventually learn ‘em,” he said with some confidence.

The Republicans are also quite clear how they will pay for the leap from coal to clean coal. “Our friends in China will pay for their investment by printing more money,” said McConnell. “But Republicans always try for a balanced budget approach.” “Currently, the U.S. is spending about a billion dollars a year through the Federal Treasury and the Black Lung Disability Trust Fund. Once we put the adjective clean in front of coal, all problems associated with Black Lung disease will vanish and we can use that money to subsidize clean coal.”

“It’s another Republican win-win for the little guy—the American worker,” concluded Mr. Smith.

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Stevieslaw: Trump Tweet Trashes Heliocentrism

Posted on January 5, 2017 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Trump Tweet Trashes Heliocentrism.

Donald Trump today declared the earth does not revolve around the sun. Trump, cited as evidence the views of his poker buddy and friend Harvey Collins—“who is really a very, very smart guy.” Trump went on to clarify his position as, “My landslide victory has shown—really it was the hugest victory in the history of mankind, if you eliminate the phony, illegal votes for crooked HIllary, I am the center of the universe. And since I am on the earth, the heavenly bodies must revolve around the earth.”

A new survey released today by Gallup showed that the American public is sharply divided on the issue. Said, Tom Jones of Topeka, Kansas, “All you got to do is look up a few times during the day to see that the sun is moving around the earth.”

CNN will air a two hour debate around the raging controversy, which will pit Nobel Prize winning astrophysicists against members of the “Don’t Believe It Club.”The Don’t Believe It Club is a group of well-placed Republican politicians who don’t believe in evolution, climate change, or indeed in any idea introduced after the Reformation in the 16th Century. An interesting footnote to the debate is that many of these astrophysicists depend on members of the club for their funding.

Real time polls will decide which view prevails—and these polls could influence funding during the Trump administration. For example, Nate Silver is predicted (82% to 18%) that NASA will be defunded and eliminated. A warning shot in that direction was fired last week by Trump spokesperson, Eathel Bound, who said, “Anyone wanting to visit the heavens need go no farther than the top of Trump Tower in New York City.”

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