Stevieslaw: My Imaginary Skill–Silver Birch Press

Posted on June 17, 2016 by stevieslaw

My future in DIY, poem by Steven Deutsch (MY IMAGINARY SKILL Poetry & Prose Series)
June 17, 2016 //

I will be that guy.
I swear it.
The one that people call
when the whoosis is stuck
or when that whatchamacallit —
the one that’s been in the family
since before the big bang —
the one that used to start right up,
just lies there like the family cat.

I will be the one
to choose the proper saw
or awl or maul.
To distinguish wrenches from wenches
and know the proper hex
in English or in metric.

You will all be proud to know me —
to plead for me to place
my calibrated finger on the leaky pipe — just so
and stop the second sacred flood like that.
Someday, you will watch in awe
as I slip a stripped screw
from its sheath as simply
as I butter bread.
I will undo superglue!

Someday soon
I swear it,
I will be the one to strip the paint
from grandma’s rocker
with my right hand, while with my left
I stain the weathered fence
that surrounds Chicago.
I will be that guy on HGTV —
the one who smiles despite the two-ton tool belt,
the one that wears the John Deere cap
well-seasoned with his honest sweat and WD-40.
The one with the goofy grin of complete competence.

NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: The poem was born out of our recent bathroom remodel and repair, which has taken just under 11 years and is nearing completion (I think).

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Steven Deutsch, a semi-retired practitioner of fluid mechanics as applied to mechanical hearts and valves, lives a quiet life in State College, Pennsylvania, with his artist wife Karen. He has published poetry and short fiction — most recently with Silver Birch Press.

Posted in Humor, parody, poetry, sleepless in state college | 2 Comments

Stevieslaw: In the Colorful Language of the Fifties

Posted on June 9, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: In the Colorful Language of the Fifties
Although my father and mother and uncles and aunts hadn’t a single high school diploma among them, they were often wise in the way of the world. And while some of the things they said would curl the hair of most of us and are best left in the dustbin of history, some of their expressions were richly descriptive and right on. Perhaps, we might revive one or two of them.
For example, we refer, over and over and over, to the richest Americans as the 1% and speak of millionaires and billionaires as if they were close personal friends soon to arrive for tea. Boring!
My mom would casually call them “the filthy rich.” And though the word was not really intended as an expletive—she was not making bombs in her bathroom and didn’t know or care to know how the rich lived, no one would have to explain to my Aunt Viola what my mother meant.
That was in the fifties—when the filthy rich still paid taxes. In the fifties, before a hundred filthy rich families were poised to buy a Presidential election. How much more appropriate that term seems now. I say we revive it. Revive it and perhaps our children’s children will not be addicted to watching the 1% parade their assets on reality TV. Perhaps, they will be more interested in growing up to be Jonas Salks than Martin Shkrelis. Or perhaps not. But “filthy rich” takes me back to my mom’s small apartment, the never-ending card game, the never empty coffee pot and the parade of relatives and friends that never felt the need to knock. Also, saying filthy rich makes me grin. Try it.

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Stevieslaw: Republicans take a page from The Lord of the Rings

Posted on June 7, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Republicans take a page from the Lord of the Rings
It seems only hours ago that the Republican establishment was united in the “Stop Trump” movement. They firmly believed that Trump was pure evil—a manifestation of the “Dark Lord” on earth. Even worse than that, they felt he was likely to ruin the Republican brand and lose them the House and perhaps even the Senate.
Things change with time. In the “Fellowship of the Ring,” it takes the wizard Saruman centuries to become enamored with the dark lord, Sauron. In politics, change happens overnight. So it was not much of a surprise when Mitch McConnell—decked out in a robe of many colors, addressed the American people on his new strategy for dealing with Donald Trump. As near as we can tell, at Stevieslaw, he was using the words of J.R.R. Tolkien verbatim—from Saruman’s speech to Gandalf the Grey.
“A new power is rising. Against it the old allies and policies will not avail us at all…We may join with that power. It would be wise…As the power grows, its proved friends will also grow; and the wise, such as you and I, may with patience come at last to direct its course, to control it. We can bide our time, we can keep our thoughts in our hearts, deploring maybe evils done by the way, but approving the high and ultimate purpose: Knowledge, rule, order…”
It has been argued that when Tolkien wrote the trilogy he was describing the rise of Hitler and fascism and the coming of WWII. Perhaps. But we can only imagine the number of times that same speech has been given—in all the languages of the world. One suspects that number is not a small one.

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Stevieslaw: Predicting Pundit Patter

Posted on May 31, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Predicting Pundit Patter
Here at Stevieslaw, the cricket-quiet of last night was shattered by the screams of some poor tormented soul. I don’t know how long it took me to realize that the tormented soul was me.
It was a complicated nightmare. It was November 9th, 2016 and I had woken to find that Donald Trump had eked out an election victory and was our very own President-elect. The same talking heads that had droned through the 2016 primaries and election campaigns were now offering me a message of hope. In the dream, I could not hear the message—but I seemed to know instinctively exactly what they were selling. Let me share the headline with you:
Pundits Confidently Predict Donald Trump will be One-term President.
I may never be able to sleep again.

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Stevieslaw: The Outhouse of the True Conservative

Posted on May 14, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: The Outhouse of the True Conservative
In a Stevieslaw exclusive, we have learned that Republican controlled states will no longer provide indoor plumbing in schools and public buildings, rather than agree to an Obama administration ruling that allows transgender students to use an appropriate bathroom. Phil Bryant, governor of Mississippi, has suggested that privately owned businesses, that now provide public restrooms, should dismantle them.
Said spokesperson, Hal I. Tin, “Single-seat outhouses are an obvious solution to providing comfort and safety for our students. Port-a-Potties will be used as a temporary solution until traditional wooden outhouses can be constructed at schools and various public buildings—such as State courts and the Capital.
“For many of us,” concluded Mr. Tin, “the half-moon sign conjures visions of happier times—of the glory and tradition of the Confederate States.”

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Stevieslaw: Headlines you may have missed–Trump Takes Derby

Posted on May 8, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Headlines you may have missed–Trump takes Derby
Donald Trump bested twenty horses today to win the 142nd running of the Kentucky Derby. His time of 1 minute, 58.4 seconds for the 1 ¼ mile race was much faster than the previous human record for a mile. Trump, barely winded, said “I ran a good race on a track that was a little sloppy. I could only see Nyquist if I turned completely around and I really didn’t want to do that more than four or five times.
Trump spokesperson, Native Dancer, said that Trump is considering continuing on for the Triple Crown—if his schedule permits.
Of the horses he ran against, Donald would only say, “what a bunch of four-legged losers. There is no way they could ever beat me.”

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Stevieslaw: Enabling Trump

Posted on May 7, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Enabling Trump
American journalists of all stripes have been spending the last few days beating themselves up. Journalists have realized that by reporting on Trump exclusively, in all his many manifestations, instead of reporting on anything else on the planet, they’ve enabled his candidacy. Reports of this startling realization were the lead articles in all reputable newspapers and magazines and the lead story on all the network and cable news stations. The New York Times headline screamed “How We Helped Trump,” in a font size previously reserved for the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, while The National Enquirer’s headline had, “We Helped the Trump-Weasel-Win,” with prominent photos of Trump and his immediate family—through 3rd cousins on every page of the newsrag. CNN apologized to the American people for 37 continuous hours while “Trump the presumptive nominee,” rolled across the screen.
Now, we have learned that a special award for Journalistic Excellence has been established to reward any news organization that can construct a complete sentence—whether written or verbal—without using the word Trump in said sentence before the November election.
News agencies are uniformly describing the contest as “too damn Trump.” Fox News spokesperson, Mary Trumpington, said “How the Trump are we to do that?”
Odds at the Trump casino are currently running 173 to 1 that the journalists fail, while Trump himself tweeted—“I could do it, but these snot-nosed weenies haven’t a shot in Trumpdon.”
Look for continuous coverage of the contest on any news venue in Trumpland. “May the Trump be with you.”

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Stevieslaw: Cousin Myron and the boys of summer.

Posted on May 5, 2016 by stevieslaw

It was the kind of spring day that has you smiling, singing and whistling in tune with the birds and the bees. The neighborhood children could feel it and, if you were paying attention, you could see it in the kids’ eyes as they walked to school that morning. The school year was drawing to a close and the endless days of summer vacation would soon begin.
Even I, old and retired, could feel it in my bones. I ached for those summer days of no responsibilities and no cares–just play, play, play. I am still active. I play tennis and do yoga and Pilates. I lift weights at various gyms, or take a turn on the treadmill or the rowing machine. But each of these things is part of my too busy schedule. And each of these things requires a coach or a personal trainer, or specialized equipment or a carefully prepared court. I’m happy to have these activities, but I thought, when was the last time I did anything with the spontaneity of a child? When was the last time that a ball that bounced coupled with a stoop or a stick or a hoop or even a crack in the sidewalk was more than enough to inspire a game that would involve me entirely?
The phone interrupted my reverie. It was Marsha, Cousin Myron’s long suffering spouse. For those who haven’t yet met Myron, he is my red-haired, raw tempered cousin. A math genius, who left Thomas Jefferson HS early, he made a fortune betting on the ponies, was the bane of the IRS and at one point had run for President.
Marsha and I rarely spoke.
“Do you have any idea why your annoying cousin would take a saw to my broom and leave me only the broom head,” she asked?
“So you couldn’t fly off on it,” I thought unkindly.
“No. I don’t,” I answered instead.
“You’re lying,” she said correctly. “Tell your cousin that he is in all kinds of trouble,” she said as she hung up.
I found the boys of summer—four aging children and Cousin Myron, on Bristol Street—the least traveled of the neighborhood roads. They had set up the stick ball game between the manhole covers in the middle of the block, as tradition requires. I took the sawed-off broom handle, which is far better than a Louisville Slugger for hitting a rubber ball, spit on my hands for luck and turned to face the pitcher with the best fast ball in all of Brownsville, Brooklyn, back in 1956—my mind-reading Cousin, Myron.

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Stevieslaw: Searching

Posted on May 2, 2016 by stevieslaw

Searching

I always thought the iPhone
the most human of devices.
I named mine George.
Like an overeager child
George buzzes when engaged.
Spent, he recharges
to the sixty second cycle
of a resting heart.
Last night in a hotel bar,
an accidental altercation
with a roughhousing stein of Great Lakes Lager,
ruined the inner George.
Now, when shaken, George rattles.
No longer able to connect,
the heart-rending message “searching,”
parades across his shattered screen.
How human that yearning
for connectedness?

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Stevieslaw: Mississipbits

Posted on April 21, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Mississipbits
A spokesperson for Mississippi Governor, Phil Bryant, confirmed in a phone interview with Smokey Diamond—our intrepid reporter, that Mississippi will ban paper currency as a means of exchange by 2020. Porole South said that the move had nothing at all to do with the decision to replace the image of Andrew Jackson with one of Harriet Tubman on the 20 dollar bill by the same date.
South noted that “it’s long been known that paper currency is one of the principle “vectors” that promote the spread of infectious diseases. Mississippi has long been on the forefront of protecting its citizens from contagion of all sorts and this rule will continue that practice.”
Mr. South went on to say that the State is considering something along the lines of “bitcoin,” which they would call Mississipbits but is also open to using “much less infectious confederate coins. Millions and millions in confederate coins are still available in banks around the State and the people of Mississippi are dying to use them.”

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