Stevieslaw: Republicans draw the line at beheadings

Posted on July 13, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Republicans draw the line at beheadings
In a contentious, fourteen hour debate, moderates defeated an amendment to the Republican Platform that would have allowed for the “beheading, boiling in oil, or burning at the stake of perverts.” The amendment was defeated by a scant 4 votes. The platform had previously defined “pervert” to include homosexuals, transgenders, atheists and people with suspicious moles or visible tattoos.
F. M. Values, spokesperson for Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council and author of much of the platform, said “Tony was able to contain his anger—recognizing that completely purging America of perversity will take time.”
Still, the Republican platform, if enacted, will essentially erase all social change that occurred after the Protestant reformation (1517-1648).
“Tony was particularly pleased that an amendment recommending “conversion therapy camps” for perverts was passed by a solid majority. As Mr. Perkins is fond of saying, said Mr. Values, “Conversion will set you free.”

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Stevieslaw: The NRA’s Banner Year

Posted on July 12, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: The NRA’s Banner Season
The research arm of the NRA has concluded that every single homicidal maniac in the nation is now armed. “We reached everyone,” said Spokesperson, Armed Hammer, “from the criminally insane actively frothing at the mouth to the quietly insane—those with a death wish and the certain knowledge that the world has been singularly unfair to them. If they all go over the edge together, their combined fire power is larger than that of all the ordinance ever expended in all the wars ever fought.”
Mr. Hammer went on to thank the little people. “If it weren’t for our friends in Congress—bought and paid for by your membership dollars, we never could have accomplished this amazing feat. They stood by us through massacre after massacre—even those massacres in which the victims were mostly small children. Please remember when voting, that we could have never reached this amazing milestone without their active and steadfast help.
With this amazing task accomplished and America well on its way to being more dangerous than Afghanistan, Armed said the NRA would initiate an outreach program. “You know the Jesuit saying—give me your child to the age of seven and I will mold the man. With that in mind, we plan to give each newborn in America a birthright present—an American flag, a framed copy of the 2nd Amendment signed by Wayne Lapierre, a real silver bullet, and a certificate for a free automatic weapon redeemable provided it is presented before the toddler’s sixth birthday.”
“The membership will boom,” he said. “Get it,” he concluded with a smile.

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Stevieslaw: Senate signs off on gun control measure

Posted on June 22, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Senate signs off on gun control measure
The U.S. Senate showed some spine today as it passed its strongest gun control measure in decades. In a startlingly bipartisan manner, the Senate voted 64 to 36 to deny Osama Bin Laden automatic access to an assault rifle should he ever reanimate, immigrate to the United States and become a citizen. Under the stated conditions, the government could appeal to the Federal Courts to deny Bin Laden a weapon, provided they did so within a three day “waiting period.”
The Senate was able to overcome the influence of the National Rifle Association in this instance. The NRA had argued that the Senate Bill went much too far and was just another “nail in the coffin” of the Second Amendment. Earlier in the day, the NRA was successful in blocking a bill that would have prohibited the sale of assault weapons to all dead citizens.
The entire issue of reanimation was the subject of a rigorous debate on the Senate floor. Some Democrats went so far as to argue that there was no such thing and that the entire bill was nonsense. “Not so,” said Kansas Senator Pat Roberts, who accused the Democrats of not watching “Game of Thrones” this season, in which the character Jon Snow was reanimated in time to lead his troops into battle. Bob Casey, Senator from Pennsylvania, pointed out that Game of Thrones was a TV series based on a set of novels. After much back and forth, it was concluded that the sense of the Senate was that “reanimation of humans” was certainly currently possible and that the medical and physical arguments against it did not represent “settled science.”
Additional bills to deprive other dead people, including Hitler and Stalin, of access to weapons are currently stalled in committee.

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Stevieslaw: My Imaginary Skill–Silver Birch Press

Posted on June 17, 2016 by stevieslaw

My future in DIY, poem by Steven Deutsch (MY IMAGINARY SKILL Poetry & Prose Series)
June 17, 2016 //

I will be that guy.
I swear it.
The one that people call
when the whoosis is stuck
or when that whatchamacallit —
the one that’s been in the family
since before the big bang —
the one that used to start right up,
just lies there like the family cat.

I will be the one
to choose the proper saw
or awl or maul.
To distinguish wrenches from wenches
and know the proper hex
in English or in metric.

You will all be proud to know me —
to plead for me to place
my calibrated finger on the leaky pipe — just so
and stop the second sacred flood like that.
Someday, you will watch in awe
as I slip a stripped screw
from its sheath as simply
as I butter bread.
I will undo superglue!

Someday soon
I swear it,
I will be the one to strip the paint
from grandma’s rocker
with my right hand, while with my left
I stain the weathered fence
that surrounds Chicago.
I will be that guy on HGTV —
the one who smiles despite the two-ton tool belt,
the one that wears the John Deere cap
well-seasoned with his honest sweat and WD-40.
The one with the goofy grin of complete competence.

NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: The poem was born out of our recent bathroom remodel and repair, which has taken just under 11 years and is nearing completion (I think).

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Steven Deutsch, a semi-retired practitioner of fluid mechanics as applied to mechanical hearts and valves, lives a quiet life in State College, Pennsylvania, with his artist wife Karen. He has published poetry and short fiction — most recently with Silver Birch Press.

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Stevieslaw: In the Colorful Language of the Fifties

Posted on June 9, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: In the Colorful Language of the Fifties
Although my father and mother and uncles and aunts hadn’t a single high school diploma among them, they were often wise in the way of the world. And while some of the things they said would curl the hair of most of us and are best left in the dustbin of history, some of their expressions were richly descriptive and right on. Perhaps, we might revive one or two of them.
For example, we refer, over and over and over, to the richest Americans as the 1% and speak of millionaires and billionaires as if they were close personal friends soon to arrive for tea. Boring!
My mom would casually call them “the filthy rich.” And though the word was not really intended as an expletive—she was not making bombs in her bathroom and didn’t know or care to know how the rich lived, no one would have to explain to my Aunt Viola what my mother meant.
That was in the fifties—when the filthy rich still paid taxes. In the fifties, before a hundred filthy rich families were poised to buy a Presidential election. How much more appropriate that term seems now. I say we revive it. Revive it and perhaps our children’s children will not be addicted to watching the 1% parade their assets on reality TV. Perhaps, they will be more interested in growing up to be Jonas Salks than Martin Shkrelis. Or perhaps not. But “filthy rich” takes me back to my mom’s small apartment, the never-ending card game, the never empty coffee pot and the parade of relatives and friends that never felt the need to knock. Also, saying filthy rich makes me grin. Try it.

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Stevieslaw: Republicans take a page from The Lord of the Rings

Posted on June 7, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Republicans take a page from the Lord of the Rings
It seems only hours ago that the Republican establishment was united in the “Stop Trump” movement. They firmly believed that Trump was pure evil—a manifestation of the “Dark Lord” on earth. Even worse than that, they felt he was likely to ruin the Republican brand and lose them the House and perhaps even the Senate.
Things change with time. In the “Fellowship of the Ring,” it takes the wizard Saruman centuries to become enamored with the dark lord, Sauron. In politics, change happens overnight. So it was not much of a surprise when Mitch McConnell—decked out in a robe of many colors, addressed the American people on his new strategy for dealing with Donald Trump. As near as we can tell, at Stevieslaw, he was using the words of J.R.R. Tolkien verbatim—from Saruman’s speech to Gandalf the Grey.
“A new power is rising. Against it the old allies and policies will not avail us at all…We may join with that power. It would be wise…As the power grows, its proved friends will also grow; and the wise, such as you and I, may with patience come at last to direct its course, to control it. We can bide our time, we can keep our thoughts in our hearts, deploring maybe evils done by the way, but approving the high and ultimate purpose: Knowledge, rule, order…”
It has been argued that when Tolkien wrote the trilogy he was describing the rise of Hitler and fascism and the coming of WWII. Perhaps. But we can only imagine the number of times that same speech has been given—in all the languages of the world. One suspects that number is not a small one.

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Stevieslaw: Predicting Pundit Patter

Posted on May 31, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Predicting Pundit Patter
Here at Stevieslaw, the cricket-quiet of last night was shattered by the screams of some poor tormented soul. I don’t know how long it took me to realize that the tormented soul was me.
It was a complicated nightmare. It was November 9th, 2016 and I had woken to find that Donald Trump had eked out an election victory and was our very own President-elect. The same talking heads that had droned through the 2016 primaries and election campaigns were now offering me a message of hope. In the dream, I could not hear the message—but I seemed to know instinctively exactly what they were selling. Let me share the headline with you:
Pundits Confidently Predict Donald Trump will be One-term President.
I may never be able to sleep again.

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Stevieslaw: The Outhouse of the True Conservative

Posted on May 14, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: The Outhouse of the True Conservative
In a Stevieslaw exclusive, we have learned that Republican controlled states will no longer provide indoor plumbing in schools and public buildings, rather than agree to an Obama administration ruling that allows transgender students to use an appropriate bathroom. Phil Bryant, governor of Mississippi, has suggested that privately owned businesses, that now provide public restrooms, should dismantle them.
Said spokesperson, Hal I. Tin, “Single-seat outhouses are an obvious solution to providing comfort and safety for our students. Port-a-Potties will be used as a temporary solution until traditional wooden outhouses can be constructed at schools and various public buildings—such as State courts and the Capital.
“For many of us,” concluded Mr. Tin, “the half-moon sign conjures visions of happier times—of the glory and tradition of the Confederate States.”

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Stevieslaw: Headlines you may have missed–Trump Takes Derby

Posted on May 8, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Headlines you may have missed–Trump takes Derby
Donald Trump bested twenty horses today to win the 142nd running of the Kentucky Derby. His time of 1 minute, 58.4 seconds for the 1 ¼ mile race was much faster than the previous human record for a mile. Trump, barely winded, said “I ran a good race on a track that was a little sloppy. I could only see Nyquist if I turned completely around and I really didn’t want to do that more than four or five times.
Trump spokesperson, Native Dancer, said that Trump is considering continuing on for the Triple Crown—if his schedule permits.
Of the horses he ran against, Donald would only say, “what a bunch of four-legged losers. There is no way they could ever beat me.”

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Stevieslaw: Enabling Trump

Posted on May 7, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Enabling Trump
American journalists of all stripes have been spending the last few days beating themselves up. Journalists have realized that by reporting on Trump exclusively, in all his many manifestations, instead of reporting on anything else on the planet, they’ve enabled his candidacy. Reports of this startling realization were the lead articles in all reputable newspapers and magazines and the lead story on all the network and cable news stations. The New York Times headline screamed “How We Helped Trump,” in a font size previously reserved for the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, while The National Enquirer’s headline had, “We Helped the Trump-Weasel-Win,” with prominent photos of Trump and his immediate family—through 3rd cousins on every page of the newsrag. CNN apologized to the American people for 37 continuous hours while “Trump the presumptive nominee,” rolled across the screen.
Now, we have learned that a special award for Journalistic Excellence has been established to reward any news organization that can construct a complete sentence—whether written or verbal—without using the word Trump in said sentence before the November election.
News agencies are uniformly describing the contest as “too damn Trump.” Fox News spokesperson, Mary Trumpington, said “How the Trump are we to do that?”
Odds at the Trump casino are currently running 173 to 1 that the journalists fail, while Trump himself tweeted—“I could do it, but these snot-nosed weenies haven’t a shot in Trumpdon.”
Look for continuous coverage of the contest on any news venue in Trumpland. “May the Trump be with you.”

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