Stevie's Law

We had some friends over last night. They were away for most of the summer and we were happily using the time to catch up. While the others were drinking wine, I was drinking strong, black coffee. I am more or less always drinking, strong black coffee. Not only do I like the taste, but I had read somewhere that coffee was a powerful antioxidant and drinking more than six cups a day would keep you 26.2% healthier than non-coffee drinkers. I had finished the first pot—about four cups—and had carefully brewed a second pot, using a Kona coffee that’s about $50 a pound, when my friends rushed me, grabbed the pot, and emptied it into the kitchen sink—all while insanely shouting, “intervention, intervention, intervention.” “No,” I shouted back, “It’s the best thing for me.”

After my wife had managed to calm me down and stop my sobbing by using a powerful horse tranquilizer, my friends explained. They said that the latest research showed that drinking more than four cups of coffee a day shortened your lifespan (Times of India) and they felt they had to stop me. I was quick to point out that an NIH study just a year ago showed that coffee could increase your lifespan.

If you combine the two studies, it turns out you should drink no more than four cups of coffee until you are fifty and then start drinking as much coffee as you can slam down at fifty and one day. And that is the root of the problem. Clearly, there is a great deal of health information published weekly, daily and even hourly that completely contradicts or significantly modifies the research published the day before. Is it information you need to know? You betcha! Should you drink beet juice for healthy bones or is it best to avoid it? Eat sauerkraut for toe fungus or not? Take fish oil supplements with or without calcium and vitamin D. “To cheese or not to cheese.” Why is that even still a question?

Here, at Stevieslaw, we are determined to be your source for up to the minute health information. By following our guidelines, you might add seconds or even minutes to your life! To do this, we have formed “The Best Thing for You, Inc.” With your subscription, at a very nominal price, we will send you heath information directly at least every minute. Lunchtime? Should you eat the “General Tso Chicken” you have ordered for lunch or quickly replace it with the “Peking Duck?” Bedtime? Is the combination of thirty supplements and three turkey legs that allowed you to sleep last night a valid approach for tonight?

Subscribe and you will get the answer to these and to all of your burning health questions. It’s your life. Milk* it for every second.

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Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, was quite depressed after speaking to his cousin Charley this week. Charley retired from the City of Detroit some years ago after a fine, thirty seven year career as a dog catcher. It was only during the last few years of his tenure that he received the title of “Animal Control Officer;” a title which he can even today only mumble with a little goofy grin.

“Charley,” Smokey said “Just took a job as a greeter at Walmart.

Charley had a small pension from the city of Detroit and, with that and his and his wife’s social security, they are able to maintain their little house, take an occasional fishing trip to the great lakes with some friends and visit their kids and grandkids in Indiana and Iowa, once or twice a year.

“According to many of our civic leaders, noted Smokey, Charley’s lifestyle is the new definition of extravagant.”

Charley feels bad about it. “I didn’t know that when I was contributing to my pension plan that I was going to bring down the City of Detroit.”

“And now, Smokey continued, he feels trapped. The letters to the editor have started to get ugly and he is worried each time he and his wife leave their house that someone might start screaming at them or worse.”

“Charley starts next week,” she went on. “He hasn’t lost his pension yet, but he feels that once he does, other pension plans are sure to follow and the good jobs like Walmart Greeter or McDonald’s burger fryer will go fast.” “He foresees a time when the fast food industry will be dominated by really old people.”

The Committee for Compassionate Conservatism (or CCC) believes that Charley should feel ashamed. The CCC is of the opinion that State and Municipal pensions are merely a promise to pay—not any sort of guarantee. Their Spokesperson, Meme Mine, told Smokey that “we feel the whole concept of retirement, for workers, is destructive to their wellbeing. It is well known that once workers retire and accept a pension they tend to age and even to die. Here, we can take our cue from the natural world, she said, Are ants pensioned? Are bees pensioned?” The Committee will sponsor a huge advertising campaign this fall featuring the slogan, “Real American Workers Die on the Job.” “Pretty catchy,” she said with a smile.

There is a lot of money in State and Local pensions—the amount they are underfunded alone is estimated at 5 trillion dollars. With all that money floating around, we at Stevielsaw are left with two nagging questions.

1. When will Corporate America get its hands on the money? And
   
2. How can our Republican representatives at all levels facilitate the process?
   

Stay tuned.