Stevieslaw: Practice, Practice, Practice

Posted on August 4, 2012 by stevieslaw

I have known engineers who, when faced with a new piece of research equipment, will spend several weeks pressing every button, tweaking every knob, and observing the results with some sort of geek glee—all without recourse to the manufacturer’s manual. Almost always, this sort of high-level play produces an engineer who knows all there is to know about the equipment—someone who logically concludes that it is pretty safe to move the equipment to the lab and use it to make some measurements. Some time wasted? Perhaps. But in essentially rewriting the manual many of the fine points have been thoroughly learned.
Financial firms have a better way. Knight Capital, under CEO Thomas Joyce, decided to take their untested or poorly tested software to the floor of the market and try it there. After all, what could happen? Your pension fund—that’s just chump change. And don’t forget that testing it could cost seconds or, Koch forbid, minutes of profit taking. The resulting mess appears ready to put them out of business.
Here’s an idea. Why don’t the financial kids—the wizards that brought us the baseball card and comic book boom and busts markets before moving on to real estate and financials—hire some adult engineers or scientists? There are plenty of unemployed ones to choose from and many of them would be interested in making sure that things work.
Hey, Tommy. Call me.

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Stevieslaw: I am the King of England

Posted on August 2, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: I am the King of England
In my freshman year at college, my calculus professor set out to show the students in his class how woefully undereducated they were. He offered up the following challenge: If he could prove that 2=1, than we must recognize that he was not only a college professor, but also the King of England and we must address him as his highness for the entire semester. The proof involves some simple algebra and most of my (engineering undergrad and grad) students pick up the trick easily. If
a=b, and we multiply by a,
we have aa=ab and by subtracting bb: aa-bb=ab-bb.
Factoring gives (a+b)(a-b)=b(a-b), and dividing by (a-b) gets us to
a+b=b and since a=b
then 2b=b.
Dividing by b, 2=1.
Got that? If Andrew Hacker, writing in the prestigious NY Times Sunday Review, has his way your children won’t. Andrew argues in “Is Algebra Necessary?” that we should drop the teaching of algebra (and calculus and trigonometry) because our students’ inability to learn it is the main reason they drop out of high school and college. Thank goodness he doesn’t suggest that the students try harder to learn it and the teachers harder to teach it. No. Andrew believes that by forcing these students to leave school because they can’t pass math, we are decimating our future talent pool. Clearly, there would be many more lttle Shakespeares, Bachs, and Picassos, if only the little darlings weren’t stuck on their math homework.
In a country that no longer values the teaching of history, literature or science while simultaneously decrying the loss of the American “edge,” the idea is not surprising. Still, I am somehow not convinced that our budding Shakespeare, brimming with self-esteem, will be able to write much more than his or her name. More likely the genius will, on finding himself outside on some sunny summer day, wonder just what kind of fool could ever believe the earth rotated around the sun.
Oh, and Andrew, drop algebra and most of your budding geniuses will certainly still be capable of finding other ways to fail.

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Stevieslaw: Your Roots Are Showing

Posted on August 1, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Your Roots are Showing
Lt. Gov David Dewhurst lost a GOP runoff election to Tea Party candidate Ted Cruz yesterday because it was rumored that he had once uttered the word democrat in a student production in third grade. Tea Party spokesperson, Dom Ash, said that level of interparty cooperation would unacceptable for a US Senator.
Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, asked Dommy about the appropriateness of the term “grassroots,” which is often used to describe the Tea Party. Since grassroots specifically refers to the rank and file or common people of a nation, Smokey wondered how that might be reconciled with the huge amount of Super Pac money that is often donated solely by the very wealthy. “That sort of money went a long way to electing Ted Cruz,” Smokey noted. Mr. Ash who seemed unfazed by the question, pointed out that, “the definition of grassroots will be only one of many definitions we will change once we achieve power.”

Perhaps Sarah Palin can provide a new set of definitions?

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Stevieslaw: Mitty Unwitty

Posted on August 1, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Mitty Unwitty
When Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, ran down The Mitt’s campaign spokesperson, Iwana More, at his family vacation compound in Nantucket, he found Iwana pumped up and crowing.
“Mitt’s overseas tour was a great victory,” she said. “If nothing else, it showed what a quick study the Mittski is.” “He learns from every life experience,” she intoned—“just like you would expect any great leader to do.” “You must admit,” continued Ms. More, “that after insulting the British and the Palestinians and trivializing the problem with the Iranians, Mitt came through by not once insulting the Poles.” “That was not easy,” she said with a polished grin. “The desire for witty Mitty to tell Polish jokes was almost unbearable.”
“Mitt showed great self-restraint,” said Iwan. “Not telling Polish jokes in Poland is the sort of deeply reasoned foreign policy we can expect from a Romney regime.”
Smokey, barely listening, thought “Did you hear the one Borowitz did on a Jew, a Brit, and a Pole who walk into a bar…”

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Stevieslaw: Democrats Defy NRA

Posted on July 26, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Democrats Defy NRA
Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, has learned that liberal Democrats plan to introduce legislation that will change the nature of assault weapon ownership and use in America forever.
Spokesperson, Ima Cooked, said “The bill we are bringing to Congress today will require that anyone purchasing an assault weapon or assault weapon ammunition affirm, in a signed affidavit, never to mow down anyone with insufficient health insurance coverage. “Otherwise,” continued Cooked, “The cost to American hospitals could be staggering.”
“Nonsense,” says NRA spokesperson, Asck Lter. “First, the bill contradicts the specific wording of the Second Amendment concerning assault weapons, so it is unconstitutional.” “And second, hospitals are only required to stabilize gunshot wound victims.” “They are not responsible for the expense of subsequent rehabilitation and mitigation of pain and suffering.” “American hospitals are not at risk,” he concluded.
In a related story, University Gamers announced that they will issue a new board game entitled, “Who is the Victim?” Their press release described the new game as “challenging for many American adults.”

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Stevieslaw: Trickle and Flutter

Posted on July 23, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Trickle and Flutter
House Republicans responded today to news that the poverty level would hit a high not seen since 1965 by demanding additional tax cuts for the very rich.
“Tough times demand tough responses,” bellowed Sax Rumor their newly appointed, garishly mustachioed spokesperson. “And so we’ve come up with the flutter law.”
“The reasoning is so simple that even a poor person can follow it,” Sax said. “Billionaires and millionaires can barely close their billfolds now.” “With additional tax cuts, they will be stuck with no place to put their small bills.” “To this end, an important feature of the new law will require that anyone who benefits from it will no longer be able to retain their small denomination bills.” “They will be required to release them so they can flutter down,” he said. “That way, the little people can find them,” Mr. Rumor continued with a tear.
The new law is already generating a media firestorm. Fox News is scheduled to do a two hour special on it tonight. They have already gone on record by stating—“trickle and flutter will end poverty in America as we know it.” A new election advertisement, already airing in the swing states, has a smiling Mitt Romney scattering small bills (mostly ones) to a group of apparently hungry children. Sarah Palin tweeted her support of the new law, although she did spell both flutter and trickle incorrectly.
Stevieslaw advises people planning to vote Republican this November to remember flutter and trickle, the Republican cure for poverty, on their way to the polls. Curious about the Republican plan for the Middle Class? It’s simple—rain—as in, “A Hard Rain’s Gonna Fall.”

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Stevieslaw: Sleepless in State College—Too Big to Football

Posted on July 21, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Sleepless in State College
Smokey Diamond, our ace reporter, has always been excitable but lately she has been unable to sleep. It seems that all she can manage are cap naps. She prowls around the house and the yard at all hours. When I ask what’s wrong, she mumbles something about banks and too big to fail. She has taken to calling Jamie Dimon at JP Morgan and other bank CEO’s, ostensibly to ask for information for Stevieslaw, but really to find out whether or not they have been sleeping and eating well.
On the basis on our recent experience, her mantra has become “If the banks fail, we fail twice.” She certainly has a point. If the banks do something stupid and get into hot water, the economy falters and the little guy gets it on the chin. Then, rather than punishing them, we have to rush in to help as they are too big to fail. We provide them a bail out that we can’t afford and once again the little guy gets it on the chin. Not all banks, of course. Nobody really cares if your little dinky credit union goes belly up.
Imagine Smokey’s dismay then when she woke this morning to find, that according to the local paper—the Centre Daily Times— the demise of the Penn State Football program would mean the demise of the local economy. Smokey finds it interesting that the demise of no other single part of Penn State would have anywhere near as devastating an affect.
“I knew that football was the only association many people had with the University,” she purred. After all, if a second string quarterback were to announce his decision to transfer, it would be all we would hear about for a month, while If a noble laureate in Chemistry were to leave the University in the company of a prize-winning violinist, there would be no local coverage at all,” she lamented.
“Unless, of course, the violinist and chemist left together and were both men or both women,” I was quick to point out.
“Of course,” she concurred.
“But, who would have guessed that I would have to add Penn State football to my prayers at night, out of fear for the local merchants,” she lamented.
While I tried unsuccessfully to imagine Smokey saying her prayers at night, she added “Oil and gas companies, financial institutions, and Penn State Football—who’s next?’
“The Mexican drug cartels,” I was quick to answer. “Those job producers are pretty much all the economy the Southwest has left.”

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Tom Corbett to Resign

Posted on July 19, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Tom Corbett to Resign
In another Stevieslaw exclusive, our intrepid reporter Smokey Diamond has learned that Tom Corbett will resign as Governor of Pennsylvania on July 31, 2012. According to Corbett spokesperson, D.L. Sayers, the Governor has, after a great deal of soul-searching, concluded that his election could never be certified because of widespread and bipartisan voter fraud. “The Governor,” continued Sayers “Urges all current office holders, particularly those who hold strong views on voter fraud as a driver of election results, to follow his example and step down.

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Stevieslaw: Contempt

Posted on July 12, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Contempt
The Republican controlled House of Representatives, fulfilling their constitutional duty to kill time between election campaigns, voted for the 31st time to repeal all or part of the Health Care Bill. Surprisingly, the vote did not improve their congressional approval rating, which is hovering around 10%.
Smokey Diamond, our investigative reporter, was able to get to Maddy Hatter, spokesperson for the powerful “Beat a Dead Horse Committee.” on a yacht just off the coast of Nantucket.
Maddy was furious. “The plans are,” she said, “to hold roughly 279 million Americans in contempt of Congress.” “They clearly are,” she added, “And they often say as much.” “And, this time we have done the math. There are roughly 314 million people is the US. Subtracting the nearly 4 million babies and multiplying through by the 90% that thumb their noses at Congress, gives us our number. How is that for accuracy and fact checking,” she trumpeted.

Maddy said that the House will spend the time between now and the November election reading the names of contemptuous Americans. “We feel it’s the best thing we can do for the country at this time.” Fox News agrees and, sadly, for once they may be right.

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Stevieslaw: A Ditty for Mitty

Posted on July 11, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: A Ditty for Mitty
Smokey Diamond, our intrepid investigative reporter, is so fearless that we at Stevieslaw are often worried her “nine lives” might not be nearly enough. Yet, even Smokey has a softer side. Late in the evening, she likes nothing better than to curl up around some warm milk and spend an hour watching the Limerick channel. It’s got lots of Edward Lear and other nonsense read by Fox News reporters. Remember Edward Lear…
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, ‘Does it buzz?’
He replied, ‘Yes, it does!’
‘It’s a regular brute of a Bee!’
I think that deep down Smokey believes that certain poems are easily associated with certain people. I agree and for Smokey I believe we could find something in TS Elliot.
So it really wasn’t that much of a surprise when Smokey found a perfect poem for just how Republicans feel about their presidential candidate, Mitt Romney. We don’t understand why no one had thought of it before. We thank the author, William Hughes Mearns, for anticipating the Mitt with his poem “Antigonish” in 1910. What Republican would be uncomfortable with this description of Mitt:

Yesterday upon the stair
I met a man who wasn’t there
He wasn’t there again today
Oh, how I wish he’d go away

When I came home last night at three
The man was waiting there for me
But when I looked around the hall
I couldn’t see him there at all!
Go away, go away, don’t you come back any more!
Go away, go away, and please don’t slam the door

Last night I saw upon the stair
A little man who wasn’t there
He wasn’t there again today
Oh, how I wish he’d go away

And as a final refrain, one might ask, Ogdon Nashilly,
Why oh why in all of creationy,
would anyone vote for Mitt the Rominey?

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