Stevieslaw: Rethinking the Civil War

Posted on March 14, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Rethinking the Civil War
We just got the revealing news that Rick Santorum has won the Mississippi and Alabama Republican primaries, and if that doesn’t fulfill some biblical prophecy, it should, and we will need a rewrite. Most of the voters in these two “deep south” states identify themselves as evangelicals or born again Christians. Amazingly, their vote hinged on the contestants answer to a single debate question—or more accurately a single debate challenge. The four contestants were asked to use the words “pre-natal, contraception, woman, and unclean” in a sentence. ImmacuRick won hands down, sounding as some of our exit poll voters exclaimed, “Like the good lord himself.”
The results got Smokey Diamond and me talking about the Civil War Cousin Myron, the fiery red-headed math whizz, has from early childhood said “that dope,” whenever President Lincoln’s name was mentioned. He believes strongly that Abe over reacted with the Civil War and all, and a simple Hallmark greeting card saying something like:
Dear Jeff,
We are so sorry to see you go— best of luck with your new country. Perhaps, Mary and I could have you and Varina to tea sometime soon. Call us as soon as the telephone is invented.
Sincerely,
Abe
Perhaps Myron has something there.

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Stevieslaw: My March Voices Column

Posted on March 12, 2012 by stevieslaw

DIY* or DYI**

By the time Smokey’s second engine seized up, she had already saved $138.17 by pumping her own gas. I suppose it would be fair to also count the money she saved on oil, since she never checked it. Her car seized up on the Van Wyck Expressway at 4:45 PM on Wednesday. Do you know the Van Wyck? It runs through Queens, in NYC, more or less connecting JFK and LaGuardia. Let me just say that it wasn’t until the following Sunday morning that anyone, including the passenger, me, knew that the car had permanently stopped moving.

Americans have been pumping their own gas for some time now. They are bagging their own groceries. But they are doing so much more than that. They are putting in kitchens and bathrooms and decks. There are at least 60 TV shows on obscure networks promoting DIY. The movement has caught fire in America, and I, as a true blue American would like to ask a simple question. Are you all nuts?

Do you remember the pimply faced teen with red hair that spent all of high school reading Popular Mechanics Magazines? Yes, the one who in tenth grade knew enough about electricity to build the midget Ouidin Tesla coil that had every girls’ hair standing straight up in the kind of shocked look normally reserved for comic book heroes. You are not that guy. Remember Orr in Catch-22? He patiently took apart and put back together a stove that seemed to have a million parts so that Yossarian would be warm in the winter. You are not Orr either.

Perhaps some numbers might help. Nearly half of all Americans with DIY decks have no way to get to them. Another forty one percent report feeling sea-sick after spending more than 20 minutes on their deck. Bathrooms? Most DIY bathrooms have been constructed without a drain pipe to sewer or septic. When asked, most Americans will simply shrug and talk evasively of invasive government regulations. Kitchens? Forget diets, DIY kitchens have the only significant correlation with the obesity epidemic, as those who build them about 400 times more likely to eat fast food three times a day. Finally, because of do-it-yourself projects, Americans are twice as likely as the rest of the world to have their last word be “oops.”

But you aint heard nothing yet. The future of DIY is in the medical industry. Doctors and researchers have been talking about patient specific medicine for years. Think about it. No two spleens are alike, and who better to treat your very specific body part than you. We predict a huge expansion of Lowe’s and Home Depot in the very near future. And other new DIY superstores with names like Shots-R-Us and Scalpel City are already in the works… Confused? Now the Less-intelligent-than-average American Guide series presents “Cut Here,” the future of DIY. In LAG you will learn that:

1. If you have an infection, culturing your own bacteria and creating your very own antibiotic is child’s play. Remember that Alexander Fleming found penicillin by accident. How hard could that be? Get the equipment you need at SpoorsGaloresStores.

2. If you have a toothache, you will find that doing your own dentistry is mostly a matter of having the right equipment— a battery powered high rpm drill, some stainless steel probes in odd and evil looking shapes, and a reclining chair that can move in 18 directions simultaneously. Remember that dentists are just people who couldn’t make it in medical school. How smart do you need to be to flunk out of school? My brother did it six times and he was not that smart. Get your dental supplies at DrillandFillLDT.

3. Need a knee or hip replacement? Your neighbor’s large dog has four of them. Not for you? PartingwithParts will sell you a knee or hip in plastic, hard wood or titanium, as a kit that you mold, whittle or weld. You get it to fit right the old fashioned way, by trial and error.

4. Need some minor surgery. Child’s play! No. We really mean you should have your children do it. What better way for them to becomes the medical self-help DIY’ers of the future? It will keep them off the streets and away from the TV as well. And think what they will be able to share at show and tell. Tools are available at TheCutandPasteShoppe.

5. Squeamish about major surgery? Who wouldn’t be, what with the long trip to the medical center, the wait in an uncomfortable gown among all those sick people, the blinking lights and endless beeping, the high paid doctors and nurses all creepy in white? . Instead, have your friends over, order some pizzas and a case of beer and make a weekend over the abdominal or brain surgery. You can get your detailed cancer surgery instructions on line at OutDamnSpotInc or instructions on removing an appendix at CuthereNotThere.

There is so much more in the guide. You will learn, for example, just where to buy your “gently used” essential medical equipment. How to put 911 on looped auto dial. Or how to make the emergency responders actually believe you did “that” to yourself.

Become a responsible “tea-partier.” Dispense with the freedom restricting need for a practitioner’s license. Get rid of the mismanaged government programs like Medicare and Medicaid. When it comes to health care, DIY.

*Do ItYourself

** Do Yourself In

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Stevieslaw: My Lanyard

Posted on March 1, 2012 by stevieslaw

My mom passed away on Tuesday at the age of 96. I lost my dad about a dozen years ago. I had the great good fortune to be born to and loved by two gentle, kind and humorous people. My mom liked a good game of cards and a house full of friends and family. The shuffling of a deck of cards was a constant in her house and I like to think she taught the little ones— through casino, 500 rummy and spite and malice— about both cards and life. I miss her. I miss them.
So how does a boy repay his mother? Perhaps, Billy Collins says it best.
The Lanyard by Billy Collins
The other day I was ricocheting slowly
off the blue walls of this room,
moving as if underwater from typewriter to piano,
from bookshelf to an envelope lying on the floor,
when I found myself in the L section of the dictionary
where my eyes fell upon the word lanyard.
No cookie nibbled by a French novelist
could send one into the past more suddenly—
a past where I sat at a workbench at a camp
by a deep Adirondack lake
learning how to braid long thin plastic strips
into a lanyard, a gift for my mother.
I had never seen anyone use a lanyard
or wear one, if that’s what you did with them,
but that did not keep me from crossing
strand over strand again and again
until I had made a boxy
red and white lanyard for my mother.
She gave me life and milk from her breasts,
and I gave her a lanyard.
She nursed me in many a sick room,
lifted spoons of medicine to my lips,
laid cold face-cloths on my forehead,
and then led me out into the airy light
and taught me to walk and swim,
and I, in turn, presented her with a lanyard.
Here are thousands of meals, she said,
and here is clothing and a good education.
And here is your lanyard, I replied,
which I made with a little help from a counselor.
Here is a breathing body and a beating heart,
strong legs, bones and teeth,
and two clear eyes to read the world, she whispered,
and here, I said, is the lanyard I made at camp.
And here, I wish to say to her now,
is a smaller gift—not the worn truth
that you can never repay your mother,
but the rueful admission that when she took
the two-tone lanyard from my hand,
I was as sure as a boy could be
that this useless, worthless thing I wove
out of boredom would be enough to make us even.

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Stevieslaw: Republican Candidates Propose to Increase National Debt

Posted on February 25, 2012 by stevieslaw

David Lightman, of McClatchy Newspapers, reports today on Mitt Romney’s just announced economic plan to increase the Federal deficit by trillions over the next decade. Romney’s plan, much like the plans of Santorum and Gingrich, would increase the Federal deficit by cutting the heart out of each and every entitlement program aimed at helping people who can not qualify for employment with firms like Bain Capital. A list of the deadbeats to be defunded includes the old, the young, the infirm, the still healthy, veterans, women, and those who are “barely citizens.”
Self-acclaimed Tea Party spokesman, just-plain-Joe, welcomed the plan, saying, “Although it does not decrease the deficit—which was always a smokescreen, it will make sure that “they” will not be getting a single dollar of my hard earned money. Republicans were also jubilant. A spokesperson for Eric “the knife” Kantor praised the effort by Romney, Santorum and Gingrich to increase the deficit and defund the masses without the need for an unfunded war in a country no one can find on a map. “Their reasoning is breathtaking,” he stammered.
The only candidate proposing a plan to actually reduce the deficit, aside from President Obama, was Ron Paul. The linchpin of the Paul plan is, apparently, to stop printing any more money, so that the amount of cash in the nation will fall to zero with time as the paper money wears out. “We can do this whole thing by attrition,” said Paul, carelessly tossing away a well worn ten dollar bill.

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Stevieslaw: Santorum to ban “Jockey Shorts.”

Posted on February 23, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Santorum to ban “Jockey Shorts.”
Super-principled Rick Santorum, vowed yesterday to lead the fight to ban so-called “jockey shorts” as his first order of business after he ascends to the Presidency. Ican T. Ellyou, spokesperson for the Rickster, explained carefully that prioritizing issues like “jockey shorts” on the National agenda is clearly what distinguishes true conservatives from phonies like Romney, Gingrich and Paul. “Many scientific studies have concluded that the wearing of jockey shorts instead of boxers reduces male fertility,” said Ican, “and we cannot have that.” “Contraception by any means—what we are terming pre-abortion—is an abomination and Rick—once anointed—will put a stop to it.”

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Stevieslaw: Santorum Decries Obama’s Space Policy

Posted on February 21, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Santorum Decries Obama’s Space Policy
Rick Santorum’s campaign announced today that the candidate would end NASA and private space exploration, once he ascends to the Presidency. His spokesperson, Hunt W. Itch , said that the candidate had first hand information that the launching of rockets and satellites was disturbing the harmony of the Celestial Spheres and, frankly, giving God a headache. “This whole Galileo business should be looked into again, possibly by the Discovery Institute,” Itch said.
Itch promised that more policy pronouncements from the candidate could be expected on each and every Sunday.

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Stevieslaw: Santorum Hits Yet Another Home Run.

Posted on February 21, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Santorum Hits Yet Another Home Run.
I wasn’t surprised when Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, woke me at four this morning. Santorum got it exactly right when he said on national TV that Obama believes that “man is here to serve the earth.” Right on Rick! He did not have the time to mention that this dedication to serving the earth comes down to his ardent supporters—Smokey and I amongst them—and that the earth is a lot of work. Supporters alternate one week on, one week off to service.
Today, Smokey and I were frying up the eggs, bacon, home fries and toast that “His Sphereship” had ordered for its breakfast. It takes a lot of food to serve a planet. After we’ve done the dishes, with an environmentally friendly liquid soap, Smokey and I are going to start dismantling the patio in the back yard, which we strongly believe is interfering with the “Big Round’s” ability to breathe. Then on to the barbeque, Earth has ordered for its lunch.
It was good of The Rickster to take time from his busy schedule of explaining how turning back the clock for women to the 13th century is good for America, to give a shout-out to those of us— frenzied, rabid, radical, environmentalists— who somehow can’t be made to believe that paving the entire planet would not also be good for America. Crazy us.
More coffee Eartho?

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Stevieslaw: Moon Bases at Risk

Posted on February 18, 2012 by stevieslaw

Moon Bases at Risk
House Republicans asked Barack Obama today to explain his plan for reducing the U.S. nuclear arsenal. The President had first announced the plan in 2009. Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter was down like a shot to interview the House Republican Spokesperson, Donas K. Meey. Donas said, “This is consistent with this President’s attempts to cut military spending and put America in a vulnerable position in a dangerous world.” “What about the Iranians?” she stammered angrily.
Smokey pointed out that a 2009 study had estimated that with the current size of the U.S. arsenal, we could afford to detonate roughly 11 H-bombs over each of the 200 largest cities on the planet. “Short-sighted,” countered Donnas. “Suppose we do follow through on the Gingrich plan to build a civilization on the moon,” What’s the point of building cities there if we don’t have the ability to destroy them as well? Suppose they are captured by the Chinese, the Iranians or for that matter by crazed feminists.” “A President needs to think ahead,” she said sagely, “and we will need more weapons for the moon, Mars and beyond.” “We must be able to protect our space bases, after the Russians ferry us up to them.”

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Stevieslaw: My Voices column for February

Posted on February 4, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: So You Think You Have Talent.
Smokey Diamond and I were sitting at the local University Starbucks last Wednesday morning discussing Nietzsche’s Ubermensch and how the concept might apply to the future Republican Presidential Candidate—-be it Mitt Romney or Newt Gingrich or, for that matter, Michelle Bachmann.
The wager was that whichever one of us broke up and sprayed coffee through our nose first, paid for snacks.
At the table behind us, a group of four was discussing with some solemnity the loss of Chris, as opposed to Mitch, Marge or Phillip, on the TV Reality Show—-So You Think You Can Yodel.
The people at the table in front of us were busy discussing the proposed merger of American Idol with Project Runway, vis-à-vis the future of fashion- able music. And although Smokey and I could be said to have little idea of what we were talking about, it seemed to us, that ours was the least bizarre of the three conversations.
Welcome to America in the 2010’s, where reality TV is boss. A recent study found that Americans are watching 42
No wonder the birthrate in America is dropping like a rock—-although people are certainly watching, “So You Think You Can Get Pregnant,” on Fox.
Clearly, if it weren’t for the sale of big screen TV’s and television service, we would have no economy at all.
There are problems ahead, however, associated primarily with the answers to the twin question of how can you keep up with reality and how can you plan ahead for it.
Therefore, we are as pleased as Matthew on “So You Think you have Good News (8PM Tuesdays on ABC),” to announce the Less-Intelligent-than- average American Guide to the future of reality TV—-“So you think you have talent
In the Guide, you will first learn some reality history.
Did you know, for example, that Ray Bradbury believes he will never be able to atone for his novel “Fahrenheit 451,” a book often credited with the birth of reality television?
He often says as much as the host of the popular you-are-going-to-hell show, “So you think you are hot now (1a.m. Weds on ESPN2).”
In LAG you- will learn that, although the “whole” life shows will continue with titles like “Real Husbands of Topeka,” and an exciting new “cousins”
Photo by Steve Deutsch Steve Deutsch in his original native habitat of
New York City.
series-you won’t believe the insights produced by the show “My sister-in- laws second cousin was Barack Obama’s barber.”
Most new shows will highlight Talent (yes, with a capital T). Here are just a few of the hundreds discussed by LAG in incredible detail:
So You Think You Are Charming—-in which contestants will vie for the title of “Snake Charmer Extraordinaire,” with guest appearances by Bernie Madoff, Donald Trump and Karl Rove. Trust us, the auditions for this show, involving hundreds of “wannabes,” cobras and cameras, is mind blowing. Will there even be a winner?
So You Think You Are Decisive—-in which carefully chosen contestants will take to sea in command of a “boomer” submarine armed with multiple nuclear tipped missiles. What will they do when the command to fire—-real or imagi- nary—-comes in? Will the final con- testants choke and mistake the code for Tehran with the one for Islamabad? How many Americans will know the
difference? Hunker down in your bunker and watch them live on the DIY network.
So You Think You Can Fly—-in which completely untrained contestants will vie for the chance to fly a fully loaded passenger aircraft from Chicago to Osaka. Sully Sullenberger and the former head of the FAA Randy Babbitt will judge (think good judge, inebriated judge), as the flights get longer and more technically difficult.
In one episode, the contestants even try to get in and out of Philadelphia International Airport—-a task most experienced pilots refuse to attempt. And get this, at no time during the flights will the passengers be told that their flight captain is completely unqualified to fly the aircraft. Best book your flight insurance now!
Finally, the guide will be the first to inform you (and this is quite a sneak preview here) that the entire 2012 Presidential Campaign and Election will be run as the reality show, “So You Think You Can Govern**.”
Just imagine—-campaign contribu- tions and countless attack ads will soon become a thing of the past. Lobbyists will lose much of their influence.
The candidates will be asked probing questions by a team of responsible jour- nalists—-chosen from all political stripes—-about foreign and domestic affairs, the military, the economy, and the social safety net, while as many as two hundred million Americans look avidly on.
On several of the shows, viewer ques- tions will be entertained.
And on Election Day, we estimate that fully 96 percent of eligible American voters will cast their votes by phone or on the internet to elect the next presi- dent.
Stay ahead of the future of reality. Buy your guide today. Only $19.95 wherever LAG guides are sold.
**Just kidding about this one. No such show is planned.

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Stevieslaw: Bad Robot

Posted on January 30, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Bad Robot
Obama campaign spokesperson, Dr. T. Ickes, offered a suggestion for all of the President’s supporters. Smokey managed a grin when she heard about it, for as she said, “it took me back to all those hours I spent watching the TV show Lost.” Perhaps you remember the show as well, but Dr. Ickes was most interested in what happened at the end of the show. “The production company had a little robot come rolling out to the announcement—bad robot.” “We are suggesting that all Obama supporters say, when faced with a Romney commercial, a Romney speech, or even a stray thought about Romney, “bad robot” loudly and clearly. Imagine 10 people on a bus or train or in the lobby of a theatre, uttering—nearly simultaneously—“bad robot” with obvious reference to the Republican candidate. “With luck, said the good doctor, we can have the whole country laughing at even the thought of Romney by Election Day.”
Bad robot.

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