Stevieslaw: The Long, Hard Road to Kindergarten

Posted on May 14, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: The long, hard road to kindergarten
Smokey Diamond was in NYC today to talk to Ms. Simone Smarm, headmistress of the prenatal prep school, Ivybound. Prenatal prep schools have been springing up in most major American cities. All of them offer music, art and academic exposure for a fetus over its nine month term, and while the more expensive of them might offer a live Symphony Orchestra, author readings, and trips to the international space station once or twice a week, they all offer the promise of admission to the best of the preschools for your soon-to-be-a-person.
“Getting your child into the best possible pre-school has been, since the early days of this century, the holy grail for their future,” said Simone. “How best to do this has been a continuing challenge for parent-mentors, who fear money, power, and influence will not be enough.” “We, at the prenatal preps, argue that your child’s future can be ruined even before he or she is born.” “We offer your newborn a resume, or rather an extensive list of his or her academic, social and artistic achievements, at birth.” “That’s priceless,” she remarked.
Ms. Smarm went on to tell Smokey that the best chance of getting your not-yet-an-infant into a good prenatal prep school was with the help of a prenatal agent. “Be prepared for a battle,” she warned. “Not-yet-parents are hyper-concerned about the future of their not-yet-borns and will fight tooth and nail for a place in a prenatal.”
Costs range from 8 to 21 thousand a month, with international and space travel extra. When Smokey noted that the pre-kindergarten cost for one child could well be several hundred thousand dollars, Simone was quick to point out that student loans are available.
We are also happy to report that Simone has agreed to an additional interview on pre-fertilization, “soon to be-an-embryo,” prep schools. “It’s just over the horizon,” she said with a twinkle in her eye.

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Stevieslaw: My Voices Column for May—the LAG to Self-help

Posted on May 7, 2012 by stevieslaw

“I’m Okay Who Cares About You,” The LAG GUIDE TO Self-Help.

We were at my Cousin Myron’s house for a barbecue this Sunday. Myron, as you may recall, is the fiery red-haired, math whiz who’d made a fortune betting on the ponies. He gives back every year by doing taxes for anyone who asks and looks forward to his inevitable visits to the IRS for audits, as he has memorized the entire tax code. I’ve seen him in action at the IRS. It’s a thing of wonder.

We were all enjoying the good food and the amazing weather, when Myron’s fourteen year old son, Eric, walked out on the porch to say, Winter is coming.” That got our attention. Of course, the line is from George Martin’s wonderful saga— A Song of Fire and Ice, though perhaps Eric heard it on the HBO adaption of the first book—Game of Thrones. Although we all got a good laugh out of that, I realized as I was driving home that for many Americans, Winter is coming. It seems unlikely that Eric’s generation will live as well as his father’s generation did, and most prominent economists predict that Eric’s children will be functionally illiterate and work as serfs on the Romney plantations. Winter is coming for many of us, and while in the past we might have banded together to sing camp songs and share the little we had, today we must add the fact that Americans no longer like one another. We don’t want to pay for road construction, public education, or health care benefits because other citizens might need and use them—yecch. The latest surveys suggest that eighty-seven percent of us are broke, armed to the teeth, practicing the expression—“You talking to me,” and arguing about who is the true conservative.

Fortunately, when faced with hard times, Americans will resourcefully turn, as they always have, to that last great bastion of strength—“self help” through “pop psychology.” Here at Stevieslaw, we are not above getting in on the action. We are proud to publish, “I’m okay, who cares about you,” the Less-intelligent-than-average-American Guide to helping yourself first. In the guide, we will carefully take you through the extensive world of “self help” help. You will learn that:

1. If your ship is sinking and your cry for help sounds just like the rumbling of your empty stomach, it’s best to adopt the valued teachings of very odd religions; what better anchor for a sinking ship than the esoteric meanderings of prophets and hermits, renowned for their coma-like existence, who live in exotic regions where the average life-span is 12 years.

2. If your every choice seems to be between Scylla and Charybdis, you must learn to trust your Horoscope. In the guide we will teach you techniques to enhance your Horoscopic experience. Did you know for example, that you can legally change your birth date—yearly, monthly or daily— to take better advantage of the wisdom of the ages? And in a LAG exclusive, we will provide you with an extensive appendix to the fascinating world of “cookforty,”—a life improvement strategy based on the advice given in fortune cookies.

3. If you had hoped to escape the “Winter” with a joyous, rewarding relationship, though even your dog is not keen on you, you must open your heart to the words of wisdom offered up by a gaggle of TV geese nearly 24 hours a day. Listen deeply to this group of men and women so astute at bonding that each has been divorced at least 16 times.

4. If you have both a terrible ailment and the kind of health insurance our congressmen would carry in the anti-universe, you must accept the advice of the TV men in white; a group of “almost doctors” arrayed in outfits so white that they must spend all of their non-air time in tubs of bleach. Learn how supplements from a secret formula combining belly button and dryer lint with the most abundant garden herb (grass) can cure all of your health problems instantly (or some of your money back).

5. If you are down to your last eleven cents—fear not, you need only buy into the many life changing, money making, tapes and CDs. All of the best of the 3 AM TV advertising specials will be laid out at your finger tips. Buy and sell things you have no knowledge of for “no money down.” Just “stop, watch and listen” and the money will come rolling in! Promise! LAG will even loan you the money to pay for the courses through our special credit program (only in states where usury laws do not apply).

6. If you are a little lacking in self-esteem you must join the vibrant world of the self-help seminar. We identify the best of the best of the seminars. Become a winner by repeating “I’m a winner” at the top of your lungs, until you pass out from oxygen deprivation!

7. Finally, if your education has left you without the ability to count to five, you can learn from the wisdom of the ages by joining the LAG self-help book club. Choose from the classics like “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” to the hot, new titles like “UFO’s: A user’s manual” and have them delivered to your door, once a month, forever.

Remember to buy your LAG now, for Winter is coming!

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Stevieslaw: The Rich Give Back

Posted on May 2, 2012 by stevieslaw

The NYTimes reported today in its magazine on the publication by Edward Conard of Bain Capital(former home of Mitt Romney) of “Unintended Consequences: Why Everything You’ve Been Told About the Economy Is Wrong,” to be published in hardcover next month … Continue reading →

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Stevieslaw: Both Sides Now

Posted on May 1, 2012 by stevieslaw

Justin Gillis reports in the New York Times this morning that climate change dissenters have latched on to the work of Richard S. Lindzen, a Meterology Professor at MIT. Dr. Lindzen’s research supports the theory that the change in cloud formation, as a result of CO2 accumulation in the atmosphere, will act to reduce the temperature of the earth—a counterbalancing affect. While nearly all climate scientists disagree with Dr. Lindzen’s assessment—forcing him to publish his most recent work in an obscure Korean journal, it is clear that our general lack of understand about the role of clouds in the atmosphere is a major impediment to climate predictions.

It was, in fact, that great unrecognized climate specialist, Joni Mitchell, who said it best, way back in 1969, as:

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I’ve looked at clouds * that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow
It’s cloud illusions I recall
I really don’t know clouds at all

Perhaps we could all link hands and sing “Both Sides Now,” as the glaciers melt, the waters rise and much of the planet goes under.

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Stevieslaw: Your Cheney Heart…*

Posted on April 16, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Your Cheney heart…*
Barely a month and a half after receiving a heart transplant, Dick Cheney was on the stage at the Wyoming Republican Party state convention on Saturday for what some might term his “state of the union” speech. In it he described President Obama as a fair and thoughtful man who is trying to do his best for the country in the face a host of difficult problems and pressures. He warned about the potential for war in Iran or Syria and the need for reasoned and open discussion before committing our nation to war ever again.
Cheney went on to argue that subsidies to oil companies should end immediately and warned about “rushing into” the Keystone pipeline project before serious environmental concerns were thoroughly addressed. Finally, he took President Obama to task for his failure to push for a more extensive health care law—using, for example, the Medicare model—for all Americans. Cheney cited his own health problems, stating at one point, “Americans with heart problems or other physical or mental ailments should not have to worry about how their treatment will be paid for. I’d hope for fewer wars and more universal health care.”
Cheney said that he thought Mitt Romney would be our next president, after a hard fought campaign that concentrated solely on the ideas each of the candidates had for improving the nation. Cheney looked well, although his face reflected a certain bewilderment with what he was saying. Often he would stop and shake his head, as if to say no, no, no.
After the meeting, Smokey Diamond—our intrepid reporter—was able to catch up with a member of Cheney’s transplant team, Dr. F. Stein, who was looking a bit bewildered as well. “What we witnessed today,” he said, “can only be explained as Dick Cheney speaking from his transplanted heart.” “The implications for “off-label” use of heart transplants are simply astounding.” “Imagine if we could have transplanted Hitler,” he said.
*see, Mead Gruver, AP, With new heart, Cheney speaks.

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Stevieslaw: My Voices Column for April

Posted on April 7, 2012 by stevieslaw

Beyond the Tube. The Less-intelligent-than-average-American Guide to Free Time

At LAG, our current studies show that 43% of Americans feel they are in dead-end unrewarding jobs. Another 54% are in so deeply immersed in work related comas that they were unable to fill out our questionnaires. Only 3% of those surveyed, mostly politicians, televangelists, and card sharps, feel fulfilled in any way. With the average work week now roughly 74.8 hours and the possibility of retirement out of the question for 99.6% of us before the age of 87.6, it is important that Americans find another means of fulfillment. Sure, the lucky ones have turned to sex, drugs and rock and roll, but what is there for the rest of us? Compounding the problem is the undeniable fact that most Americans have gotten tired of people, no more talented or wise than they are, singing, dancing, gossiping, backstabbing and manufacturing crises, on ever larger and thinner screens with better than viewable definition in surround sound. We are, as a people, growing tired of the tube.

We, at Stevieslaw, feel that reviving the tradition of engrossing hobbies may provide the answer to rewarding free time. That is the reason we are proud to announce the publication of “Beyond the Tube,” the LAG to enjoying your free time. In the guide, you will learn all about:

1. Traditional hobbies:

a. Collecting things, such as stamps, coins, butterflies, books or belly button lint can be very rewarding. Collections may be easily stratified by socio-economic class, with the poor collecting string, the middle class collecting string, and the 1%ers collecting vacation homes.

b. Dabbling in the arts by painting, drawing, sculpting or writing memoirs may provide a fine way to spend your free time. Certain graffiti techniques will allow you to combine these arts—and practicing on a bank wall, will make you a new set of friends in either the local occupy movement or in jail.

c. Learning to play a musical instrument will reward not just you but your family, friends and neighbors, while providing that dog next door with yet another reason to howl. While some guides recommend the brasses, we feel the nearly impossible to play, high pitched, strings are best.

d. Playing board games can be fun for the whole family. Moreover, a few games of Monopoly, Risk and Clue can give you the same deep insight that many of the current candidates for the Presidency have about American finance, foreign policy and justice.

2. Active Hobbies:

a. You can’t go wrong with an active hobby, like tennis, bowling, softball, or hula hooping. Join a gym. The advantages include the enhanced ability to fall asleep during work, the additional, medically approved, sick leave for sprained, strained or broken whatever, and the ability to lord your active lifestyle over the couch-potato neighbors who’ve complained about your cello playing. Try golf if you don’t like to sweat while active.

b. Watching baseball, football, soccer, or basketball may be considered an active hobby, if you do it correctly. Bad manners are a must. First, you must be present at the actual game. Second, you must develop a state of mind that will allow you to believe that Murphy’s error on a damned, **#**###, simple ground ball to third is more important than world peace. Third, you must behave accordingly.

3. Obsessive hobbies:

We highly recommend an obsessive hobby as it will take over your entire life. In the guide, we will provide you with the nature and manner of 158 potential obsessive hobbies. Here, we will discuss only “duplicate bridge,” which is played for an imaginary currency called “Masterpoints.” The game is played with partner, given a “directional” name—say South, but to you, sooner or later, you will simply refer to him as “that lowlife.” Hard-up divorce attorneys often recommend that troubled couples play as partners. A duplicate bridge player involved in a catastrophic emergency will spend his time reviewing bridge hands while waiting for the ambulance: His final thought on dying will be “please god, one more hand.”

4. On Line hobbies:

On-line hobbies can be practiced while at work— a huge advantage. They also have elements of tradition, obsession and activity—particularly if you are so focused on winning that each of your moves is aerobic. While some guides recommend playing the old standbys like Solitaire, we at the Guide recommend the newer interactive games like scramble or hangman with friends. Don’t be dismayed by the “friends” in the name, you can play with random strangers and the game will anoint them as friends. And just like that you have friends! You can play these games on your work computers, your tablets or your smart phones, but in the guide you will learn about the new, incredible Ithumb, a device so small that it is often confused with a hangnail. It will be equipped with a personalized full size virtual keyboard and 48inch virtual screen; so that no one will ever need know that you are watching or that your rapid, nearly continuous finger motions are actually keystrokes.

Need we mention that collecting all the LAG guides is a fantastically rewarding hobby? They are sure to get rarer and rarer, so their value can only go up. For now, you need never be bored again—just buy LAG and go play!

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Stevieslaw: Minnie Thatford to Vote Republican

Posted on March 16, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Minnie Thatford to vote Republican
Are you sitting down? Republican candidates for Local, State and Federal positions were buoyed by the news today that Minnie Thatford, of Minot, ND will be voting a straight Republican ticket. John W.T. Guy, spokesman for the Republican National Committee, told our intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, “The news of a committed female voter is spectacular this early in the campaign.” “Clearly, women voters will continue flocking to the Republican cause as the campaign continues.” “We fully expect tens and perhaps dozens of women will come across with votes for our candidates on Election Day.”

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Stevieslaw: More Votes for Decent Folks

Posted on March 15, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: More Votes for Decent Folks
The Republican legislatures in many states have been busy pushing voter identification laws. One was signed into law today in Pennsylvania by Governor Tom Corbett. The issue these laws claim to address is voter fraud, although no one seems able to provide any proof that this is a significant problem. At Stevieslaw, we recognize that these legislators are just being shy. What they are really addressing is larger voting issue identified by Joseph Heller, in Catch 22—in which the “educated Texan from Texas who looked like someone in Technicolor and felt, patriotically, that people of means—decent folk—should be given more votes than drifters, whores, criminals, degenerates, atheists and indecent folks—people without means.”
That’s what these voter identification bills are really about— giving more votes to “decent folks.” Of course, the list of indecent folks may have changed slightly over the years. After all, Catch 22 was published in 1961. The current Republican list of indecent folk—people without means—includes all those who are “barely citizens”—the aged and infirm, the poor, women and minorities. All those, coincidentally, who might be more likely to vote for the Democrats.
We are not naïve. If the Democrats were in power they might do the same sort of thing. They might, for example, ban Corporations from voting. At Stevieslaw, we can live with that. I, for one, was hoping not to get behind GE on the long line at the polling station, while volunteers checked identity papers.

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Stevieslaw: Rethinking the Civil War

Posted on March 14, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Rethinking the Civil War
We just got the revealing news that Rick Santorum has won the Mississippi and Alabama Republican primaries, and if that doesn’t fulfill some biblical prophecy, it should, and we will need a rewrite. Most of the voters in these two “deep south” states identify themselves as evangelicals or born again Christians. Amazingly, their vote hinged on the contestants answer to a single debate question—or more accurately a single debate challenge. The four contestants were asked to use the words “pre-natal, contraception, woman, and unclean” in a sentence. ImmacuRick won hands down, sounding as some of our exit poll voters exclaimed, “Like the good lord himself.”
The results got Smokey Diamond and me talking about the Civil War Cousin Myron, the fiery red-headed math whizz, has from early childhood said “that dope,” whenever President Lincoln’s name was mentioned. He believes strongly that Abe over reacted with the Civil War and all, and a simple Hallmark greeting card saying something like:
Dear Jeff,
We are so sorry to see you go— best of luck with your new country. Perhaps, Mary and I could have you and Varina to tea sometime soon. Call us as soon as the telephone is invented.
Sincerely,
Abe
Perhaps Myron has something there.

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Stevieslaw: My March Voices Column

Posted on March 12, 2012 by stevieslaw

DIY* or DYI**

By the time Smokey’s second engine seized up, she had already saved $138.17 by pumping her own gas. I suppose it would be fair to also count the money she saved on oil, since she never checked it. Her car seized up on the Van Wyck Expressway at 4:45 PM on Wednesday. Do you know the Van Wyck? It runs through Queens, in NYC, more or less connecting JFK and LaGuardia. Let me just say that it wasn’t until the following Sunday morning that anyone, including the passenger, me, knew that the car had permanently stopped moving.

Americans have been pumping their own gas for some time now. They are bagging their own groceries. But they are doing so much more than that. They are putting in kitchens and bathrooms and decks. There are at least 60 TV shows on obscure networks promoting DIY. The movement has caught fire in America, and I, as a true blue American would like to ask a simple question. Are you all nuts?

Do you remember the pimply faced teen with red hair that spent all of high school reading Popular Mechanics Magazines? Yes, the one who in tenth grade knew enough about electricity to build the midget Ouidin Tesla coil that had every girls’ hair standing straight up in the kind of shocked look normally reserved for comic book heroes. You are not that guy. Remember Orr in Catch-22? He patiently took apart and put back together a stove that seemed to have a million parts so that Yossarian would be warm in the winter. You are not Orr either.

Perhaps some numbers might help. Nearly half of all Americans with DIY decks have no way to get to them. Another forty one percent report feeling sea-sick after spending more than 20 minutes on their deck. Bathrooms? Most DIY bathrooms have been constructed without a drain pipe to sewer or septic. When asked, most Americans will simply shrug and talk evasively of invasive government regulations. Kitchens? Forget diets, DIY kitchens have the only significant correlation with the obesity epidemic, as those who build them about 400 times more likely to eat fast food three times a day. Finally, because of do-it-yourself projects, Americans are twice as likely as the rest of the world to have their last word be “oops.”

But you aint heard nothing yet. The future of DIY is in the medical industry. Doctors and researchers have been talking about patient specific medicine for years. Think about it. No two spleens are alike, and who better to treat your very specific body part than you. We predict a huge expansion of Lowe’s and Home Depot in the very near future. And other new DIY superstores with names like Shots-R-Us and Scalpel City are already in the works… Confused? Now the Less-intelligent-than-average American Guide series presents “Cut Here,” the future of DIY. In LAG you will learn that:

1. If you have an infection, culturing your own bacteria and creating your very own antibiotic is child’s play. Remember that Alexander Fleming found penicillin by accident. How hard could that be? Get the equipment you need at SpoorsGaloresStores.

2. If you have a toothache, you will find that doing your own dentistry is mostly a matter of having the right equipment— a battery powered high rpm drill, some stainless steel probes in odd and evil looking shapes, and a reclining chair that can move in 18 directions simultaneously. Remember that dentists are just people who couldn’t make it in medical school. How smart do you need to be to flunk out of school? My brother did it six times and he was not that smart. Get your dental supplies at DrillandFillLDT.

3. Need a knee or hip replacement? Your neighbor’s large dog has four of them. Not for you? PartingwithParts will sell you a knee or hip in plastic, hard wood or titanium, as a kit that you mold, whittle or weld. You get it to fit right the old fashioned way, by trial and error.

4. Need some minor surgery. Child’s play! No. We really mean you should have your children do it. What better way for them to becomes the medical self-help DIY’ers of the future? It will keep them off the streets and away from the TV as well. And think what they will be able to share at show and tell. Tools are available at TheCutandPasteShoppe.

5. Squeamish about major surgery? Who wouldn’t be, what with the long trip to the medical center, the wait in an uncomfortable gown among all those sick people, the blinking lights and endless beeping, the high paid doctors and nurses all creepy in white? . Instead, have your friends over, order some pizzas and a case of beer and make a weekend over the abdominal or brain surgery. You can get your detailed cancer surgery instructions on line at OutDamnSpotInc or instructions on removing an appendix at CuthereNotThere.

There is so much more in the guide. You will learn, for example, just where to buy your “gently used” essential medical equipment. How to put 911 on looped auto dial. Or how to make the emergency responders actually believe you did “that” to yourself.

Become a responsible “tea-partier.” Dispense with the freedom restricting need for a practitioner’s license. Get rid of the mismanaged government programs like Medicare and Medicaid. When it comes to health care, DIY.

*Do ItYourself

** Do Yourself In

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