Stevieslaw: My December Voices Article-We Wuz Robbed

Posted on December 7, 2012 by stevieslaw

We Wuz Robbed*: The LAguide to the Fine Art of Sore Losing
Imagine—it is 1950—you are in the Bronx, New York City, watching a Little
League Baseball game. A fourteen year old Donald Trump tries to make it home
from second base on a single to right. As he lumbers to third base, the ball is
fielded cleanly by a youthful Mike Bloomberg. Mike gets off a good throw. The
Donald slides.
“Yer out,” yells the ump.
And the evidence suggests that The Donald is out—he was clearly tagged two
feet from the plate. The other team knows he’s out. His team knows he’s out.
The group of friends and relative watching the game in the twilight September
cold know he is out. Yet the Donald knows he is safe. He goes on to claim that
home plate—“which is more than likely,” he screams,” imported from
Taiwan”—is not regulation size and color. It is clearly much too small and
much too hard to see. No matter who tries to calm him down, he won’t stop
ranting about home plate. Sadly, no one smacks him. In 1950, Donald earns the
title of sore-loser. His teammates shun him. His friends and relatives are
embarrassed for him.
Fast forward to 2012, where The Donald, faced with a copy of Barack Obama’s
birth certificate, still claims the president was not born in the USA. Shunned?
Of course. People know a complete turkey when they see one. But, The Donald, is
the exception that proves the rule.
In fact, even for Trump, many might still say about his refusal to give up in
the face of evidence, “at least he has the courage of his convictions.” And, for
more and more of us “having the courage of one’s convictions” trumps the
question of whether or not those convictions are factually accurate. As a
result, the term sore-loser has lost its meaning. A recent survey showed that
an astonishing 97.5% of Americans feel that the fact they lost in any endeavor
could only mean that the deck was stacked against them. And although
mathematically impossible, the figures are some 30% higher for those who
regularly watch Fox News. We, at Stevieslaw feel that pinpointing a villain to
explain your every mishap is essential to the high- self-esteem growth industry
in the United States. Moreover, if you are to be a sore loser, you may as well
be the best sore loser ever. To help you on your way, we are pleased to
publish: “We Wuz Robbed: the Less-intelligent-than-average American Guide to The
Fine Art of Sore Losing. In the guide, you will learn to:
1. Tune your skill, through intensive drills, at instantly deflecting the
reasons for your worst defeats onto some other person or group.
2. Precertify your excuses by sprinkling your conversation with all the really
bad things that might have happened to you—consider, “I bet your friends never
tied you to a tree in January— in a region known for bear attacks.” Make your
name synonymous with “had a really tough life.”
3. Use the handy chart—organized by both alphabet and category— of millions
of potential villains so you can instantly identify the chief villain, animate
or inanimate, of your story.
4. Learn to have the courage of your conviction. Remember you have never had a
level playing field. Consider these thrilling, real world examples—I would
have easily won that:
a. Tennis Game- if only I could afford the kind of equipment my opponent bought
with the limitless money from his trust fund.
b. Chess Game-if only that five year old who clobbered me were a bit
older—small children, as we all know, have no fear
c. Job- if only my competition didn’t get a leg up by being an “affirmative
action” minority, or an elite prep- schooler, or the boss’s favorite cousin. Or
for that matter, all three of the above.
d. Great wealth-if only my parents, siblings, spouse and friends had invested in
my recipe for belly cream— the next great weight loss phenomenon.
e. Poker game-if only an inside straight draw were better than 8.5%
f. Bridge game-if only my opponents weren’t all named for Charley Goren
g. Election-If only the voting machines weren’t serviced by “You know who.” Or
for some, if only women had more of a sense of humor about rape.

The guide will once again have an interactive feature that will allow you to
learn from the experts. Go, one on one, with some notoriously sore
losers—Karl Rove—of “we carried Ohio,” Bill O’Reilly—of “Americans are
failing to become old, white and protestant in sufficient numbers” and The
Donald himself—of “I say you want a revolution”—to name just a few. Also
you will get the inside scoop on how they find the villains at Fox News.
Better get your guide as soon as it comes out. It’s certainly not my fault if
they run out.

*Attributed to Joe Jacobs, manager of Max Schmeling who was robbed of the
heavyweight title in1932.
**You can’t blame us if the guide is not in the stores on time—what with the
storm, the potential typesetters strike, and my dog’s bout with intestinal flu.

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Stevieslaw: Approaching the Fiscal Cliff

Posted on December 6, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Approaching the Fiscal Cliff
With Republicans and Democrats sniping at each other like recently disarmed Hatfields and McCoys, it is important for us, as citizens, to get a better idea of what we can expect when going over the fiscal cliff. At Stevieslaw, we have compiled a list of essential questions you should take up with your elected representative, should he take a break from spitting venom.
1. How high is the cliff?
2. Can we expect a “ground” or “water” landing?
3. If water, will it be warm or cold?
4. Will we go over all at once—like lemmings—or will an individual performance be required?
5. If we are to perform, what skills will we need and where can we practice?
6. What shall we wear?
7. Is there to be a painful recovery?
8. If yes, how long will the recovery take?
9. When will parachutes be delivered to the very rich?
10. Can we anticipate that bankers will be circling below us in pleasure boats or chariots to pick our bones clean should the fiscal fall not do so?
Get and share the answers as you can! Frankly, the uncertainty is killing our intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, who has an cat-like fear of water.

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Stevieslaw: Corbett No Respond to Kaen*

Posted on November 10, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Corbett No Respond to Kaen*
Tom Corbett today responded to charges by Attorney General Elect, Kathleen Kane, that he slowed the Sandusky investigation because he feared a backlash by Penn State fans by stating, “I slowed up the investigation because I feared that if I charged Sandusky during my election campaign some Penn State fans would blame the messenger and I would not be elected.” “I hope this clears the air,” he continued.

*Because of the added expense of compliance with Obamacare, we have had to cut back our proofreaders** hours. Some missspellings might occur and some words of negation may have been added or left out. We have also had to give up eating Poppa John’s Pizzas***.
**We never had a proofreader, but the statement above makes us feel important.
***Actually, we don’t believe we’ve ever had one (Proofyguy, please check).

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My Voices Column for November

Posted on November 7, 2012 by stevieslaw

Save Yourself. The LAG Antidote to the Busyness Epidemic
I had finally convinced Myron, my fierce, brilliant and sometimes demented
red-headed cousin, that it was high time we invited some of the other relatives
to sample the corned beef at the “no name restaurant” on Queens Bld. The
restaurant served lean but moist corned beef, the holy grail of secular Judaism.
It wasn’t until we got to the 14th cousin on our list that we found one who was
not too busy to join us for lunch.
Ruth was about 20 years our junior and an up and coming clerk at the Motor
Vehicle Bureau about two blocks from the restaurant. Both of us remember her as
being a nice kid, funny and very red-headed. She arrived about 10 minutes late,
red faced, and breathing hard. She moved to our table with such incredible force
that about a hundred napkins were left floating in her wake. She sat, arranged
as powerful an array of electronics as the world has ever seen, nodded in our
direction and stood again to signal the waiter.
“I’ll have a lean corned beef on rye, a potato knish, a cup of tea and my check
with the order,” she said.
“It’s faster that way,” she noted.
Ruth sat once more, nodded at us again and began to simultaneous scan what
appeared to be three smart phones. “Sorry,” she said, “But I really need to stay
connected with my work
As she started to text, I glanced over at Myron. I knew for a fact that he had
thrown people through plate glass windows for lesser offenses. But Myron looked
composed. I was a bit surprised, however, when Myron ordered three bowls of
Matzo ball soup with his lunch. Myron never orders soup. He often says it is
the only thing his wife, Marsha, can cook. When the soup arrived, he tasted one
bowl, declared it delicious and proceeded to take each of Ruth’s phones and
submerge them in the soups. As she stormed out one of the devices was
plaintively jingling, “so tired, tired of waiting…”
Are you insanely busy? A recent survey found that 98.7% of all Americans have
only time for shallow breathing. When a second survey asked Americans whether
they felt their job was “critical to the National Security” or “a matter of life
and death,” a startling 179% answered both. People we long thought of as sane
brag of never taking a lunch break or even going to the bathroom during their 19
hour workdays.
Clearly, being frantically busy—while life depriving— is the new “cool.” We
at Stevieslaw want you to keep both your cool and your life, which is the reason
we are pleased to publish—in two parts—Save Yourself, Combating the Busyness
Epidemic, as part of the Less-intelligent-than-average American Guide Series.
In Part 1 of the guide you will learn to:
1. Recognize, through a series of exercises the important differences between
you and Superman, Wonder Woman, or a member of Seal Team 6. We will convince
you that, in fact, the only similarities are very minor anatomical ones.
2. Accept that your immediate supervisor has not processed a single word you
have said since you started work. He is much too busy being incredibly
essential to have any time for his profession. Agree to everything he
suggests—just don’t follow up by doing it.
3. Accept that frantic busyness is more the perception others have of you than
anything you do or might accidentally accomplish.
In Part 2, we will teach you how to put these insights to work. In the guide,
you will learn techniques that promote your air of busyness, including how to:
4. Use body language to show your impatience. Using the guide, you will learn
to adjust your body to project “I’m leaving now” to whoever might wish to engage
you in an office related conversation. Learn to use the faraway look, the
brutal glare at your watch and the cut-away phrase, “You expect to speak to me
now.”
5. Sweat and stammer to create an illusion of overwork. Laugh. At everything.
High- pitched is best. People, worried you are ill, will avoid you like the
plague.
6. Swallow “uppers (m & m’s)” as you complain about being so busy you cannot eat
or drink. Claim that, sadly, the pills make you violent and although you
wouldn’t want to hurt anyone…
7. Carry things. Look disheveled. You can get a lot of mileage out of carrying
work related documents—in hundred pound piles—from place to place in the
office. You might mutter, “I will never finish reading this, while loosening
your tie and tossing back you greasy unwashed hair. This exercise is also
aerobic and will save you the cost of a gym membership.
8. And much, much more.
Make time to buy the guide. Use it to become the person others think of when the
words “absolutely essential” come up. Then enjoy your leisure. For starters,
have two-hour lunches at your favorite restaurant. Bring the guide along to
read. The restaurant is likely to be pretty empty.

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Stevieslaw: No Accusation

Posted on October 30, 2012 by stevieslaw

Governor Romney, speaking at a campaign stop in Florida said today “I am not accusing President Obama of conspiring with climate scientists to construct this devastating hurricane, no matter what other smart and rational people are saying. Fair and Balanced News also stopped short of accusing the President. They did note, however, that the storm was “much too late in the season” and that “its shape reminded them of a map of Kenya.” Two of the Superpacs, somehow associated with Mitt, did run the story. When questioned, they would only say, “Of course it’s not true—so what?”

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Stevieslaw: Ahead of the Curve

Posted on October 29, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Ahead of the Curve
At 7 AM today, Governor Romney lambasted President Obama for the “truly terrible job he has done in executing the emergency response in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy.” “In a Romney administration,” he intoned, “You can expect the difficult work of cleaning up from the devastation of any national disaster will be finished long before the disaster occurs.” “Anything less is a dereliction of duty.”

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Stevieslaw: The Straight Poop

Posted on October 25, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: The Straight Poop on my wish list.
On a campaign stop in Southern Iowa today, Franklin Delano Romney told a joke about President Obama, turned his head up to the sky and was splattered by bird poop.
Campaign spokesperson, Lemme Plain, would only say, “That was a big bird.”

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Stevieslaw: The M(FDR)itt Plan for Iran

Posted on October 24, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: The M(FDR)itt plan for Iran
Franklin Delano Romney may be an ultra-liberal when it comes to domestic policy, but he is relentless in his push to make America, once again, the mightiest country on the planet. Today, Smokey Diamond, our ace analyst, learned that Romney has printed 100 million leaflets—at his own expense—to scatter over the major cities in Iran, using his personal Romneydrones. Mitt will “pilot” the drones himself, from his modest family home in Dayton, Ohio. The leaflets will be emblazoned with the slogan:
“Just say nah to nukes.”
The “nah,” which is “no” in Farsi. is a typical Romneycism—what some might call a joke. But FDR was dead serious, saying “this is the kind of radical thinking a strong leader must show, if America is to be the strongest country in the world once again.”
Smokey caught up with Paul Ryan, at the local watering hole—The Depths of Despair—in Madison, Wisconsin. Paul was drinking boilermakers with both hands and would only say, “I will never leave this basement oasis again.”

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Stevieslaw: Mitt no More

Posted on October 24, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Mitt no More
“You won’t have Mitt to kick around anymore,” opined Smokey Diamond, our ace reporter. “The word on the street is he is changing his name from Mitt to Franklin Delano Romney.”
We turned on the TV just in time to catch the end of the ceremony on Fair and Balanced. Franklin Delano Romney waxed eloquently on just what Roosevelt and the New Deal had meant to him when he was growing up in a cold-water flat in Toledo, Ohio. After, he hugged Bernie Sanders, the left leaning Senator from Vermont, and said Bernie was his “new best bud.”
Paul Ryan, who is apparently still severely conservative would only say, “I will be at the gym.” “I will be pounding things at the gym— pounding them bloody, for the next few weeks.”

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Stevieslaw: Tracking the Candidates

Posted on October 23, 2012 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Tracking the Candidates
Smokey Diamond, our usually unflappable ace reporter, went catatonic after the first debate. She is recovered and will be closely following the Republican candidates daily, until Election Day, which Republicans in Ohio are now telling everyone is December 7th.
Today, Romney continued his foreign policy blitz by telling a roaring crowd in Miami that, “If only I had been President during the Cuban missile crisis, rather than that weak-kneed John Kennedy, we could have avoided a nuclear war.”
The RNC, reported today at 9 AM, that Paul Ryan had driven a municipal garbage truck through Toledo, Ohio. Ryan, breakfasting after at the popular “Grits and Chips” restaurant, told a cheering crowd that he was proud to be a Teamster.
The RNC spokesperson, RU Kidgme, later admitted that it wasn’t a real garbage truck, Ryan was not a Teamster, and that, in fact, Ryan was in Sarasota. When pressed, Kidgme would only say, “It’s pressure time and hard to keep track of every little this and that.”

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