Stevieslaw: Eye Contact-Voices Column for May

Posted on May 3, 2013 by stevieslaw

Eye Contact: The LAguide to Becoming a Human.
Last Thursday night at a dinner at my Cousin Myron’s house, our Uncle Arthur was using all of his verbal skills to try to convince the assembly that maintaining the minimum wage at $2.13 an hour for employees receiving tips (think waiters and waitresses) was essential to preserving the economic well-being of the nation. Arthur should be an expert in economics. After all, he has an awful lot of money—all of which he inherited from two hardworking and doting parents. Arthur is the owner of a number of franchise restaurants and wears his bias like a badge. As the verbal assault continued, Myron kept trying to engage his daughter, Marta, by raising his eyebrows two or three times and following it with a wink—a universal symbol, he believed, for “what a crock.” But, it was not until Arthur finally finished his monologue and his son Marvin came up and said, “You should have your eyes checked dad, you have a funny twitch” that he realized his kids were not getting it. By the time Myron had engaged me with a look that I recognized as both wistful and quizzical, both teens had returned to their I-lives.
We’ve all seen the photo of six or seven young people walking along in a line like ducklings, each concentrating on messaging someone through the latest app. A photo we have enjoyed, I might add, because someone had, instead of laughing, recorded it on his I-Phone. In Dear Abby this week a man lamented the loss of his wife to an I-phone addiction. And just today on Facebook, Google invited all of us to join a virtual dinner—with virtual diners, virtual food and virtual conversation. Sure, it might be more fun than sitting next to Cousin Martha, who insists on chewing each morsel thirty times while not giving up on conversation. But Martha is real. She is filled with a quirky humanity not neatly communicated by text. Is it any wonder that we, as a nation, have turned to the “I got mine,” politics of the Tea Party or embraced the singularly cold philosophy of Ayn Rand, whose dismal world view is best expressed in her 80 page book “The Virtue of Selfishness?” Our connections—human to human, it seems, are in danger of being permanently broken. To save the day, we at Stevieslaw, are pleased to publish, “Eye Contact*: The Less-intelligent-than-average American Guide to Becoming a Human.” To construct the guide contacted experts in fields as diverse as psychiatry, psychology, mammalian physiology, and extraterrestrial life. We even were in touch with the “not a robot” Mitt Romney prep team. In the guide, you will learn to distinguish DNA based life from forms based on electromagnetic radiation and “senses” from probes. You will then go on to become human through serious study and exercise in the areas of:
1. Eye Contact: Use your facial expressions and learn to read the facial expressions of others—not constantly wired—to silently connect, human to human. Learn to smile, frown, and wink. With practice, you will learn to use your face to express a wealth of human emotions—joy, sorrow, boredom and exasperation, in a manner other humans can cue into. Learn to read the facial expressions of others—providing you with more time to duck for cover.
2. Body Language: Learn to attune yourself to the subtle signals other humans emit just by the way they hold their bodies while sitting, reclining or standing. Learn to send signals of your own. Just imagine the power in knowing that you are boring a dozen people to death—by observing their twitches, yawns and body positioning— when telling that story about your grandfather’s childhood for the fiftieth time.
3. Listening: Come to realize that the buzz you hear above the voice of your instant messenger—what you have thought of as background noise—is the sound of others trying to communicate. We term such sounds “speech” and though you will quickly learn that some people abuse speech by talking to little or not enough, speech is the way you and others can express your thoughts, without the need for finger motions. Speech between two or more humans is sometimes called conversation and this advanced concept is also thoroughly covered in the guide.
4. Touch: Yes, it is possible to reach out and touch another human, without the fear of being indicted and sent to a prison devoid of electronics. A hand shake, a pat on the back or the head, even a hug can express a human to human connection that can last even longer than your battery charge. Perhaps, forever.
5. Field Work: At the end of a month of study, we will send to your home or office a person, who you can call Phyllis, (recently laid off from your public library) so you can practice human emotions such as compassion, empathy, rage and boredom with a real human companion.
Be a mensch. Pick up “Eye Contact” wherever the guide is sold and be on your way to becoming human.

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Stevieslaw: Uncle Tom

Posted on May 2, 2013 by stevieslaw

Man of the people, Governor Tom Corbett, was quoted in our local paper as suggesting that one significant reason the unemployment rate in Pennsylvania was lagging the nation was that people were not applying for jobs because they would fail the mandatory drug test. Tom went on to say:
“This is a significant problem for Pennsylvania.” “Today I am announcing a new State program, through which we will offer drug rehabilitation to anyone who wishes to work.” “The program is free to all residents of the State and people enrolled in it can begin to work as soon as they are enrolled.”
No. That would be the response of some other governor not just blowing reelection smoke.
Tommy went on to say:
“Of course, these drug addled, unemployed, desperate people are certainly still encouraged to buy assault weapons in the State.” “Lock and load for the NRA.”

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Stevieslaw: Recession Proof Income

Posted on April 30, 2013 by stevieslaw

Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, has always been exceptionally good at “cat and mouse” games, so she seems a natural for the CIA. I fear, however, that this time she may have gone too far. She put an ad in our local newspaper that read:

Taliban Control. More than 15 years of successful control in Central Pennsylvania. Seeking to branch out—perhaps to Maui. Cash joyfully accepted. All currencies. Take advantage of our large mail slot for anonymous payments! Discretion guaranteed.

Smokey knows full well that the CIA is prohibited from operating in the United States— while delivering cash in brown paper bags to offices in Kabul is apparently perfectly legal. But you can’t kill hope. You can find her mostly days curled up in the sunlight beside our mail-slotted front door, lapping up milk and honey and flipping through the pages of Hawaii Life.

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Stevieslaw: Getting Out of Dodge

Posted on April 27, 2013 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Getting Out of Dodge
Both the House and the Senate passed legislation today that would allow the FAA to transfer up to 243 million dollars from other programs to “prevent reduced operations and staffing” through September 30th. “No traffic controllers need be furloughed and inconvenience to the public can be avoided,” said House spokesperson, Wad Agy. The vote was bipartisan and was shepherded through Congress with blazing speed. “Imagine if other problems of national significance could be handled by Congress with even a tenth the cooperation and speed,” I mused. Smokey Diamond, our investigative reporter—who is never mild mannered, gave me a 20 second Bronx cheer. “The bums are going on vacation this weekend,” he said. “Of course they don’t want flight delays.”

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Stevieslaw: Representation

Posted on April 18, 2013 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Representation
Smokey Diamond, our dynamic reporter, was still in shock over the Senate refusal to pass a bill with even a minor change to the rules governing gun ownership, when he came across the term “elected representative” in today’s paper. Smokey asked me what that might mean and frankly, although I thought the term might have had some meaning once, I couldn’t remember what that might be. Clearly, since about 93% of the population supported additional background checks, the Senate didn’t represent them. No, the folks who run the country “represent” corporations—say the oil and gas industry, or organizations—say the National Rifle Association.
After extensive research, Smokey and I were able to pin down reference. Apparently, there is an annual event—it’s always on a Tuesday, and this year it’s November 5—in which people are able to elect folks to represent them. The process is called “voting” and it seems that more than half the eligible population does not realize the process exists. They disenfranchise themselves. Is that crazy or what? And get this. In most of the States, women and minorities are allowed to vote, right alongside real citizens—although in some places, that is about to change.
Vote. Why not try it this year?

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Stevieslaw: NRA Updates—Fear of Background Checks

Posted on April 17, 2013 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: NRA Updates—Fear of Background Checks
While 93% of the members of the National Rifle Association are in favor of increased background checks, to make sure that the unstable and criminal do not acquire guns, the leaders of the group have been uniformly opposed to it. Someone should ask why.
At breakfast this morning, Smokey Diamond—our intrepid reporter—said between bites of smoked mackerel, “I wonder why the leaders of the NRA are so opposed to a sensible extension of background checks.” Smokey and I spent the rest of the morning trying to come up with a plausible reason. In the end, it was easy to figure out. Have you ever watched and listened to Walter LaPierre give his take on guns and the world? Now superimpose for the moment some background music—how about a little something from Buffalo Springfield, say a little “Something Happening Here:”
Paranoia strikes deep
Into your life it will creep
It starts when you’re always afraid
You step out of line, the man come and take you away.
It fits well, doesn’t it. Do you want Walter with an assault rifle? The NRA leadership is afraid of extending background checks, because not one of them, to a man, could pass such a check. Think of it—weaponless Walter and the rest.

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Stevieslaw: NRA Updates—The WWW Program

Posted on April 8, 2013 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: NRA Updates-The WWW Program
Just this morning in a Stevieslaw exclusive, NRA spokesperson, Rey Loaded, was explaining to our very frightened investigative reporter, Smokey Diamond, the essence of their brand new “Wing a Wing-nut Wednesday” program. “As I’m sure you know,” explained the soft spoken Rey, “Wednesday is a very slow day at both the shooting ranges and the gun shows.” “To put the day to better use, we are suggesting that law-abiding NRA members go out and wing a wing-nut, hop head or liberal or two.” “We know who they are,” he continued—“let’s stop pretending we don’t, and we at the NRA believe that such preventive deterrence is covered under a certain reading of the second amendment to the constitution.” “Even if it is not strictly legal today,” said Ms. Loaded, “we have the wherewithal to make it legal tomorrow.”
“Won’t some people be killed or maimed for life,” countered a shaky Smokey. “Properly trained NRA members always hit what they aim for,” said Rey. “Fatalities will clearly be the result of the foolhardy push for senseless gun regulations, and the shortage of guns and ammo it creates.” “Members are not getting the practice time they need.” “If anyone is killed, he concluded, “We know exactly who to blame”

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Stevieslaw: You Look Mahvelous!-My Voices Column for April

Posted on April 3, 2013 by stevieslaw

You Look Mahvelous!
We had a fine time at Jerome’s Bar Mitzvah reception on Saturday. Jerome is the youngest of cousin Myna’s four sons and has secured a place for himself in the family by being really normal. Around the time of the evening when the band was just hitting its stride—before the youngsters had begun to whine and the teenagers had moved off into mischief elsewhere, before the long-suffering wives or husbands had gently or not so gently removed their drunk-as-skunk spouses for the long drive home, even before Uncle Melvin—in a tradition that predates time, had stolen the silverware—I finally got over to the table where cousins Myron and Annie were seated. To my surprise, they were not plotting to do anything insane; they were simply scrutinizing the folks on the dance floor and keeping score. “No,” said Myron as I walked up, “I’m sure it was a hip.”
Annie and Myron had catalogued the replacements and enhancements the mostly older relatives who occupied the dance floor had had over the years. They came up with an astounding 12 hips, 15 knees, 3 heart valves and a Heart mate 2 ventricular assist device. There had been 17 face-lifts, two or three liposuctions and a bariatric procedure that Jerome’s father Michael—red-faced and popping out of his tux—had found a way around. “And,” continued Annie, “If the amount of Botox employed had been confined to just cans of green beans, it could have easily wiped out the population of a city the size of Minot, ND.”
Just then, the band broke into a lopsided rendition of the Bar Mitzvah favorite—“Forever Young,” and the crowd went moderately crazy. Did you know that Bob Dylan wrote that song? Did you know that it has aged better—as I suppose it would— than the anti-war classic “Masters of War,” or the druggy manifesto “Hey, Mr. Tambourine Man?” What was Bobby thinking when he penned “May you build a ladder to the stars, and climb on every rung?” Sappy? Yes. Cheesy? Yes. Schmaltzy? Of course. But he was thinking simply and accurately—that this is just what people want—to be young forever. If a sequel to James Hilton’s Lost Horizon would appear today, the Monastery would be on the beach in Maui and all the residents would be 23 forever. And that is the reason, we are pleased to publish: You Look Mahvelous: The Less-intelligent-than-average American Guide to being young forever. In the guide you will learn the secrets of never-aging through:
1. Diet: We have carefully tracked the diets of the longest lived people on the planet—the people, for example, of Barbagia Sardinia, Ikaria Greece, Nicoya Costa Rica, and Okinawa Japan—and found that they eat whatever they can get their hands on. “If it’s not very fast, it goes into the pot,” said one 197 year old resident of Okinawa. We’ve found, however, the common diet elements are Fava Beans, Clotted Cream and Gas-Ex. The guide will provide you with enough recipes to last several normal life-times, although if you stick to the recipes it will appear to be even longer.
2. Supplements: To look good while not aging, you must turn to supplements. We have monitored the recommendations made on the Dr. Oz show for the past 6 seasons. Clearly, to hold back putrefaction, you must consume some 70 pounds of supplements a day—from St. John’s Wort, to Broccoli Sprout Powder, to Vitamins A, B, C, D, E, and K. That’s 7 fortifying pills every 20 seconds over each and every 24 hour period. In the guide, you will learn how to make time to breathe.
3. Stress Reduction: In the guide, we diligently follow in the Bob Newhart tradition of stress reduction—Just Stop It! We will introduce you to several mantras that ward off stress instantly. We also provide you with a dozen signed prescriptions for Valium—for when mantras are not enough.
4. Exercise: You will learn that it is not the exercise, but the equipment and accessories that are essential. Our interactive feature will allow you to keep up with what is hot in headbands, track suits and sneakers—for walking, jogging, climbing, and trekking and for sitting at Starbucks. Use the guide to learn to talk a good game—you sporty guy you.
5. Modern Medical Procedures: Most body parts can and should be replaced regularly. To stay young, you will need to keep up with the latest in hip, knee, spleen and pancreas replacements. The guide will help you to identify the medical professionals in the new specialty of “continuous, replacement improvement” so you can effectively plan your surgeries. The guide will also discuss with you the value of cloning—as it is not just for pets any longer. Learn what it takes to have a few dozen rug-rat knock offs of you running around forever.
6. The Nuclear Option: We introduce you to Dorian Gray, who stayed young and handsome while his portrait aged, by simply promising his soul to the devil. In the guide, we provide you a list of “devil” approved portrait painters, incantations for the sale of your soul, and help in filling out the required legal documents. Places to hang your portrait, so as not to shock friends and relatives are discussed.
Buy the guide and we guarantee the next time you meet Billy Crystal in the hallway of your club he will certainly tell you: “You look mahvelous.”

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Stevieslaw: Out of the Mouth of Babes

Posted on March 7, 2013 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Out of the Mouth of Babes
Abigail, one half of Cousin Myron’s teen twins, has been watching a bunch of old TV shows from her mom and dad’s era. She likes Maverick, Get Smart, and Mash best. Last Sunday, at the traditional, “It’s really cold in March,” family barbecue and endurance event, she casually mentioned, “For the cost of maintaining Congress, we could have 1000 Steve Austin’s.”
That’s right folks. If we simply closed down the Congress, we would save something like 6 billion dollars—the price of 1000 “six million dollar men and women.” Sure, to account the cost of inflation since the show aired in the mid-1970’s, we might have to shut down the legislature in most of the states as well. But that’s even better. In exchange for continuing budget crises and weird laws that are damaging and disrespectful to all but a handful of billionaires and religious zealots, we could have 1000 bionic men and women—capable of speeds to 60 mph, the strength of a bulldozer, and vision so fine they can see the angels balanced on the head of a pin— on the streets of America. Functions that Congress has stopped performing, such as developing a rational budget, could be turned over to the citizenry directly with the process streamlined and made popular through a “game show” scenario—we’re thinking along the lines of “The Price is Right,” “Let’s Make a Deal,” and “Wheel of Fortune.” Could it be worse than sequester roulette?
The Houses of Congress could be rented out for various social and religious functions—weddings, christenings and bar-mitzvahs come to mind, bringing yet more money. Weekly Bingo might be a hit. Members of Congress could serve for life, without pay, and be free to do the things they do best—blathering, pontificating, naming Post Offices, and buying flag pins on Ebay.
Impossible? We don’t think so. We can rebuild it. We have the technology.

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My Voices Article for March

Posted on March 4, 2013 by stevieslaw

Middleclassmenship: the Less-intelligent-than-average-American Guide to Appearing to still be Middle Class
My wife’s cousins, improbably named the Astors, could easily be the poster family for the new economy. Cousin Matthew was 30 last week and is still waiting tables. He told me yesterday, “There is nothing wrong with waiting tables when you are in your twenties, but 30 should be some sort of cut-off for those who don’t intend to make it a career.” Matthew has a degree in English Literature with a minor in modern American poetry and is beginning to wonder how he will ever pay back his $139,000 in student loans. He has published in several poetry anthologies for which he receives almost $12 a month in royalties. One former poet Laureate, Billy Collins, called the young poets in one of the anthologies, “the future of American poetry.” Billy is often right.
Matthew’s twin, Jimmy, served two tours in Pakghanistan and returned with a serious case of post-traumatic stress syndrome. The Department of Veteran’s Affairs told him recently that they have no record of his application for disability. They also told him not to worry, as in their experience missing applications are often processed sooner than applications that have been properly logged in. Their mom, Cynthia, has been holding the family together with her salary as an autoworker. She is 54 and like most her age, she is a staunch supporter of the UAW. Before she was laid off last month, she was making over $30 an hour. Cyn called to tell me she was rehired yesterday—same job sans union—at $10.72 an hour. The good news is that with the dad, Sam, sick enough to be playing the health care reimbursement tango pretty much fulltime, the family qualifies for food stamps.
As if that wasn’t enough bad news, my cousin Myron—the rash red-headed savant—who made his money playing the ponies, called to say the Cousin’s Club, a 60 year fixture in our lives, was in danger of closing. “Many members can’t pay their dues,” he said, “And the landlord sold the building that housed our crappy little clubroom to a California holding company with ties to General Electric.” “The new owners are thinking upscale condo.” “The building overlooks the Gowanus Canal, for god’s sake” I piped in. “Yes,” he said, it’s a petrochemical cesspool that glows in the dark.” “Remember the good old days,” he reflected, “When the only way you could get your money out of a ratty old building was to burn it down for insurance?”
What I retained from Myron’s rant was just one line: “Remember the good old days.” Let’s do that. And, until the job producers can find a way to charge us for our memories, we can use them and pretense to maintain our thin grasp on our membership in the middle class. For those of you using imagination rather than heating oil for the first time this winter, it might help you to recall the words of the social critic and historian, Christopher Lasch, “that nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.” To help you on your way, we are pleased to publish Middleclassmenship: the Less-intelligent-than-average-American Guide to Appearing to still be Middle Class. In the guide you will learn how to make appearance trump reality in:
1. Housing: use the last of your money to buy a real dump in some inner city area like south central Brooklyn and claim to be the first in the area to “gentrify.” Who knows, in 20 years people might marvel at your prescience.
2. Shop: Browse places like Best Buy and Barnes and Noble and fiddle endlessly with nooks, kindles, and Ipads as if you had an intention of buying them. Attend all the classes and lectures—especially if free snacks are a possibility.
3. Food: Shop at the upscale markets that offer tastings. Find a coffee shop open 24 hours and essentially move in. Remember that you can’t go back to your not- yet- fashionable- home after the sun goes down. The best coffee shops offer refills at a nominal rate. Learn to use tons of sugar in your coffee and tea. Be a regular. Befriend people. They might buy you one.
4. Dress: Buy all your clothing at Good Will on sale days. Just make sure it is so odd looking that it might be cool. Cram your conversations with the people in your coffee shop, your market and your Barnes and Noble with talk of your love of Project Runway and the “new fashion.”
5. Restaurants: Be seen at decent places waiting patiently for a table. Order a side salad and talk about your endless need to diet.
6. Civics: Attend all the meetings for the libraries, schools, and parks. There are always refreshments and the meeting rooms are heated and cooled. Remember to complain about child care, taxes, mortgage rates and unforgiving bosses as if you still had any of those things.
7. Job: Imagine there was a partnership between the workers and the owners—as if, as a worker you still had a stake in the success of the business you work for.
Most of all, buy the LAGuide. If necessary, use your last dime. Free with this month’s issue, is a paper bag wrapper, so no one need know how far you’ve fallen.

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