Stevieslaw: All Tied Up in Alabama

Posted on November 16, 2017 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: All Tied Up in Alabama

Roy Moore’s legal team announced triumphantly this morning that they had located four women in Huntsville and five in Tuscaloosa willing to swear they were not abused by the judge. “We believe we can find a woman in the great state of Alabama willing to swear that Roy did not abuse her for every one that says he did,” said a spokesperson. “That’s huge,” he said.

Conservative radio hosts have immediately picked up on the news as have Moore/Trump supporters. Said 75 year old Judd Grace, sitting on a bench outside a gas station near Tuscaloosa, “It don’t seem fair that them liberals on the T.V. aren’t spending equal time talking about the women Old Moore didn’t abuse. “Not fair,” he concluded.

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Stevieslaw: Forgiving the Forgetful

Posted on November 15, 2017 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Forgiving the Forgetful

Mary Sessions testified before the House Judiciary Committee today as a collaborative witness. She testified that her husband Jeff was among the most forgetful people she had ever met.

“I spend half of every day running around the house, searching for his wallet, his keys or his phone,” she said.

Mrs. Sessions went on to describe the amusing scene at the Washington Populist Club on K-street. All of
Trump’s circle as well as members of his immediate family belong to the club.

“It’s pretty funny,” she said. “All evening long, family and friends are rushing in and out of the front door clutching missing hats, rain coats, wallets and keys,” she continued. “Some of the wives are back and forth to the club three or four times on an evening,” she said with a smile.

“The wives call it the ‘Amnesia Club,’” she said.

Mary went on to tell the committee that forgetting the names of the people you’ve spoken to or dined with is also an endearing feature of the club members.

“Often Jeff will come home and tell me I had dinner with what’s his name—you know, the blonde one,” she said with a chuckle.

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Stevieslaw: Evolution in the “barefoot and pregnant belt.”

Posted on November 14, 2017 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Evolution in the “barefoot and pregnant belt.”

Here at Stevieslaw, we are constantly amazed at the power of evolution. We could never have predicted that the same bible thumpers who would have hung Roy Moore from an oak tree in the public square for messing with teenage girls, a mere 50 years ago, now consider him the best candidate for the Senate ever.

That’s progress?

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Stevieslaw: Honest Hypocrisy

Posted on November 10, 2017 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Honest Hypocrisy

Some Senate Republicans have cautiously moved away from their candidate for Senate in Alabama, Roy Moore. That, after charges that Moore preyed on teenage girls surfaced this week. Still, Republican Senators are careful to start and finish every sentence with an “If it’s true.” Try it. It’s hard to do.

Alabama Republican leaders seem less likely to abandon Moore. They are sure that Moore will still win the election, although his margin of victory is likely to suffer a tad.

Said Republican Party Spokesperson, Monu Ment, “Roy fought the good fight to keep a monument of the Ten Commandments, that he commissioned, from being removed from the Alabama Judicial Building. “McLuhan said,’the medium is the message,’” he noted. “And here is Alabama, and across the South, we’d like to modify that to “the monument is the message.”

“With that in mind, we are pleased to announce a new movement—one, that will sweep patriotic South.”

“MONUMENTS MATTER.”

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Stevieslaw: Cousin Myron promises Paradise for S. Central Brooklyn

Posted on November 8, 2017 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Cousin Myron promises paradise for South Central Brooklyn

Cousin Myron, the red-headed, math whizz, who made a fortune with a progressive betting scheme on the ponies, runs a tax preparation service in the Brooklyn neighborhoods of Brownsville and East New York that he still calls home. The service is been free to residents. You may recall that Myron has memorized the entire tax code—some umpteen thousand pages—and has shown time and again that IRS agents are no match for him.

I was leafing through the South Central Brooklyn gazette today and was surprised to see that Myron had placed a full page ad for his service. I was even more surprised to read in the ad that Myron was guaranteeing that no one using his service would ever pay a red cent in income tax.

And then, just like that, I understood. Myron had read the Paradise Papers. You know, the latest leak of 13 million documents, that describes in detail how the rich and famous get out of paying taxes. Today’s release shows how the wealthy move trillions of dollars through off-shore tax havens to avoid doing things like, you know, help fund the schools or health care.

I spoke with Myron later in the day. He has just opened a dozen or so off-shore tax havens for the not rich. They all have characteristic Myron name like “Schnook’s Haven.”

“It’s gotten to the point where the only people actually paying taxes are those who can’t afford to,” wailed my socially conscious cousin. “That stops now—at least in my neck of the woods,” he said.

“Folk without means cannot figure out how to navigate the tax system. And, they can’t afford to hire people who can,” he continued. “That changes today,” he said.

“No one in South Central Brooklyn will pay any income tax, until the rich start to,” he vowed.

“Not a penny,” he cackled and added in an entirely different voice—“lunch?”

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Stevieslaw: Only in America

Posted on November 6, 2017 by stevieslaw

America

Today, we learned that Wayne LaPierre, of the NRA, will start a weekly syndicated column in over 200 newspapers. The column will most likely be called “Our thoughts and prayers,” and be presented alongside the column by Cal Thomas.

“We are only concerned,” said LaPierre spokesperson, Luna Tich,”that once a week will not be often enough.”

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Stevieslaw: Pennsylvania aims to be number one

Posted on November 4, 2017 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Pennsylvania aims to be number one

Pennsylvania is stuck at number two, behind Nevada, as the second largest gambling venue in the nation. That will soon change!

When faced with a huge budget shortfall, Pennsylvania legislators did just what my unfortunate cousin Roger did—they expanded gambling and borrowed money from Sallie “tommygun” Rodriguez. This, they reasoned, would be much preferred to taxing the Marcellus shale mining companies. House Republican spokesperson, Pade Off, said “This is a no-brainer, those companies are the key to financing our reelection campaigns.”

Now that the Republicans find their various gambling expansion methods—such as, a casino in every backyard, are not likely to provide enough cash, they are poise to adopt the “k-12 Math Skills Improvement Measure.”

“We’ve learned that we need to expand the number of gamblers,” said Mr. Off, “Not just the number of gambling venues.”

In the Republican plan, schools would introduce various games of chance into their math curriculum. It would be a “hands on” experience, with children of all ages encouraged to bring cash with the lunches.

“This is a wonderful way to improve math skills,” said Pade. “And can’t you just picture a classroom full of excited seven year olds—with little Stevie ready to roll the dice, screaming at the top of his lungs,”Come on seven, baby needs a new pair of shoes.”

So true. So true.

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Stevieslaw: Pruitt to rule EPA by the Book

Posted on November 2, 2017 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Pruitt to rule EPA by the Book.

I.C. Light, spokesperson for EPA Chief Scott Pruitt, told our own Smokey Diamond this morning that Mr. Pruitt will use the New Testament and the New Testament alone to guide the actions of the EPA.

“What is your so-called science worth?,” he asked. “When up against the beautiful simplicity of ‘What would Jesus say?’”

“For example,” continued Dr. Light, “Mr. Pruitt takes a biblical approach to the burning of fossil fuels.” “He is convinced, and all right-thinking people would certainly agree, that God would not have put coal, gas and oil into the ground, if he did not want us to harvest it and use it.”

“So, Mr. Pruitt, is replacing those people on the review board who can’t ascribe to that simple, god-given principle, with those who can,” said Light. “You may call it a purge of science and scientists, but we look at it as expunging the heretics.”

“Some of us, who advise Mr. Pruitt, believe that the scientists being removed are fortunate that they are not being burned at the stake,” he said with a winning smile.

“But aren’t you replacing the scientists with members of an industry that has a vested interest in burning fossil fuels?” asked Smokey. “They stand to make tons of money.”

“Earning your daily bread by doing the lord’s work is not a sin,” he concluded, “It’s a great blessing.”

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Stevieslaw: Pure Coincidence

Posted on October 31, 2017 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Pure Coincidence

Sarah Huckabee Sanders assured the press today that the permanent relocation of three senior members of the Trump campaign to Bahrain is not connected to the ongoing Mueller investigation.

“There is no way of knowing,” she told the press, “If these are the same officials mentioned in the Papadopoulos indictment, as their names were not released.”

“The Trump family will provide the money for the three individuals and their families, friends and acquaintances to relocate,” she said, “because it is the right thing to do—although, I’m sure some of you will find some sinister motive for it.”

When Smokey Diamond—the intrepid reporter for Stevieslaw—pointed out that Bahrain has no extradition treaty with the United States, Huckabee responded, “even if that is true, it is purely coincidental.”

Huckabee did confirm that the three unnamed officials and anyone who ever, ever had even the slightest contact with them left for Bahrain very early Monday morning.

“They will be extremely busy with the move,” she said, “and I don’t think they will be able to take questions for many years.”

She concluded the interview by admonishing the press for not reporting that Hilary Clinton and her family have a good deal of property overseas. “She is clearly a flight risk,” said Sarah, “and should have her passport revoked.”

“Why aren’t you talking about that?” she said.

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Fata Morgana

Posted on October 29, 2017 by stevieslaw

just in time for Halloween

The Drabble's avatar

mirage-2738136_1280

By Stevieslaw

That’s me I see in the distance,
upheld by an inverted sky
preternaturally twirling and twisting
to the throb of an unwritten psalm.
I float in the sorcerer’s future
a smudge on the frightening sky
spinning faster and faster and faster
till I blink and the mirage is gone.
     
Steve Deutsch writes poetry, and short fiction. His most recent publications have been in Word Fountain, Eclectica Magazine, The Ekphrastic Review, New Verse News, and Misfit Magazine.

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