Stevieslaw: Pennsylvania aims to be number one

Posted on November 4, 2017 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Pennsylvania aims to be number one

Pennsylvania is stuck at number two, behind Nevada, as the second largest gambling venue in the nation. That will soon change!

When faced with a huge budget shortfall, Pennsylvania legislators did just what my unfortunate cousin Roger did—they expanded gambling and borrowed money from Sallie “tommygun” Rodriguez. This, they reasoned, would be much preferred to taxing the Marcellus shale mining companies. House Republican spokesperson, Pade Off, said “This is a no-brainer, those companies are the key to financing our reelection campaigns.”

Now that the Republicans find their various gambling expansion methods—such as, a casino in every backyard, are not likely to provide enough cash, they are poise to adopt the “k-12 Math Skills Improvement Measure.”

“We’ve learned that we need to expand the number of gamblers,” said Mr. Off, “Not just the number of gambling venues.”

In the Republican plan, schools would introduce various games of chance into their math curriculum. It would be a “hands on” experience, with children of all ages encouraged to bring cash with the lunches.

“This is a wonderful way to improve math skills,” said Pade. “And can’t you just picture a classroom full of excited seven year olds—with little Stevie ready to roll the dice, screaming at the top of his lungs,”Come on seven, baby needs a new pair of shoes.”

So true. So true.

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Stevieslaw: Pruitt to rule EPA by the Book

Posted on November 2, 2017 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Pruitt to rule EPA by the Book.

I.C. Light, spokesperson for EPA Chief Scott Pruitt, told our own Smokey Diamond this morning that Mr. Pruitt will use the New Testament and the New Testament alone to guide the actions of the EPA.

“What is your so-called science worth?,” he asked. “When up against the beautiful simplicity of ‘What would Jesus say?’”

“For example,” continued Dr. Light, “Mr. Pruitt takes a biblical approach to the burning of fossil fuels.” “He is convinced, and all right-thinking people would certainly agree, that God would not have put coal, gas and oil into the ground, if he did not want us to harvest it and use it.”

“So, Mr. Pruitt, is replacing those people on the review board who can’t ascribe to that simple, god-given principle, with those who can,” said Light. “You may call it a purge of science and scientists, but we look at it as expunging the heretics.”

“Some of us, who advise Mr. Pruitt, believe that the scientists being removed are fortunate that they are not being burned at the stake,” he said with a winning smile.

“But aren’t you replacing the scientists with members of an industry that has a vested interest in burning fossil fuels?” asked Smokey. “They stand to make tons of money.”

“Earning your daily bread by doing the lord’s work is not a sin,” he concluded, “It’s a great blessing.”

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Stevieslaw: Pure Coincidence

Posted on October 31, 2017 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Pure Coincidence

Sarah Huckabee Sanders assured the press today that the permanent relocation of three senior members of the Trump campaign to Bahrain is not connected to the ongoing Mueller investigation.

“There is no way of knowing,” she told the press, “If these are the same officials mentioned in the Papadopoulos indictment, as their names were not released.”

“The Trump family will provide the money for the three individuals and their families, friends and acquaintances to relocate,” she said, “because it is the right thing to do—although, I’m sure some of you will find some sinister motive for it.”

When Smokey Diamond—the intrepid reporter for Stevieslaw—pointed out that Bahrain has no extradition treaty with the United States, Huckabee responded, “even if that is true, it is purely coincidental.”

Huckabee did confirm that the three unnamed officials and anyone who ever, ever had even the slightest contact with them left for Bahrain very early Monday morning.

“They will be extremely busy with the move,” she said, “and I don’t think they will be able to take questions for many years.”

She concluded the interview by admonishing the press for not reporting that Hilary Clinton and her family have a good deal of property overseas. “She is clearly a flight risk,” said Sarah, “and should have her passport revoked.”

“Why aren’t you talking about that?” she said.

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Fata Morgana

Posted on October 29, 2017 by stevieslaw

just in time for Halloween

The Drabble's avatar

mirage-2738136_1280

By Stevieslaw

That’s me I see in the distance,
upheld by an inverted sky
preternaturally twirling and twisting
to the throb of an unwritten psalm.
I float in the sorcerer’s future
a smudge on the frightening sky
spinning faster and faster and faster
till I blink and the mirage is gone.
     
Steve Deutsch writes poetry, and short fiction. His most recent publications have been in Word Fountain, Eclectica Magazine, The Ekphrastic Review, New Verse News, and Misfit Magazine.

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Stevieslaw: Trump Hurls

Posted on October 25, 2017 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Trump Hurls

Cousin Myron—that red-headed insanity, called this morning. For once, he was in a good mood.

“Guess who Jason heard from today,” he asked. Jason is the male half of Myron’s twins.

“Four more Ivy League schools,” I ventured.

“Nope.” “Trump”

“He got a tweet from our President,” said Myron. “It said,” ‘Poor, Jason—what girl would date him with his world class acne. We know why he got into Harvard—it rhymes with “you.”

“That’s not for real,” I suggested.

“Sure is,” said Myron. “About half of Jason’s class got insults. Jill—the female half of the twins, is upset she didn’t get anything yet.”

Later that day, my neighbors stopped by to tell me their five-year old, Bobby, had gotten a call from the President.

Trump told him, “Bobbie is a doodie head that still wets his bed—so sad and so stoopid.”

Sarah Huckabee Sanders confirmed that Trump was planning on reaching out to every man, woman and child in the nation. She noted that almost all, if not all, the messages would be insults.

“That’s who the President is,” she remarked.

When confronted by the press, Sarah said, “What is wrong with you bozos. You’re upset when the President doesn’t reach out and upset when the President does. There is just no pleasing any of you.”

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Stevieslaw: Everything you always wanted to know about the Trump tax cuts but were afraid to ask.

Posted on October 21, 2017 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Everything you always wanted to know about the Trump tax cuts but were afraid to ask.

Are you wealthy?

YES: Rejoice!

NO: You are going to get hosed!

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Stevieslaw: It could happen here department

Posted on October 20, 2017 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: It could happen here department

Trump Tweets:

6:21 AM. I did not press the red button. If CNN and those other fake news stations say I pressed the red button, they are lying. Fake News.

6:28 AM. And anyway, Obama never gave me the nuclear codes—left with them. Obama did it. Just another case of a former President grandstanding. SAD.

6:34 AM. Where the hell was Uruguay anyway. Nobody knows where it was. Nobody cares. And, the damage wasn’t as bad as all that. Hiroshima was way worse. That was a real bombing.

6:47 AM. I am getting a lot of thanks from all sorts of leaders around the world. Rogue regime. Needed to go. It will cut down bigly on illegal immigration—believe me. Gratitude pouring in– U.N. in joint session. Probably want me to talk.

6:51 AM. If players in the NFL are going to take a knee during the anthem, they should rounded up, put in uniform and sent to Afghanistan. Immediately. Are there no patriots left?

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Stevieslaw: Why no one is home

Posted on October 18, 2017 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Why no one is home

In Catch 22, Colonel Cathcart spends every waking hour planning his campaign. The logistical problems are examined with the help of staff—one Colonel Korn to be precise. Sure Cathcart knows there is a war on. And, sure he knows he is in charge of an American bomber group. But all that is insignificant in his push to become a general.

Now, we have learned that a Republican Congressman from Pennsylvania, Tom Marino, helped craft a bill to cripple the DEA’s ability to stop the sale of illegal opiates. We learned that Donald Trump wanted Marino as Drug Czar. Well that’s just business as usual. But, we also learned that the bill passed the House and the Senate unanimously and was signed into law by President Obama.

As a friend might say, “WTF?” Did anyone read the bill? Did anyone check with the DEA. Senators are allowed 34 full and part time staff members, while Congressman are allowed 18 full time and 4 part time staff. What were they up to?

Smokey Diamond was able to get hold of L. Ted Focus, assistant to the assistant Chief of Staff for Senator Toomey.

Mr Focus was quite direct. “No, we didn’t read it,” he said. “We have a re-election campaign to run.”

Ah, that explains it. Or, as a friend might say, once again, “WTF?”

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Stevieslaw: Guest Poem–Closed Casket

Posted on October 17, 2017 by stevieslaw

A poem by my friend, Lisa McMonagle, that just appeared in Eclectica. Enjoy.

Closed Casket

We crowd into line
outside the funeral home,
to pay our respects
to Luke’s mother,
eyelids shut
like the casket lid,
to his father, antsy
indoors, and Luke,
locked inside the casket,
hiding the way he played tag
in his parents’ backyard
at dusk, the adults’
cigarette tips glowing
safety from the porch,
while we snuck
tree trunk to tree trunk,
not knowing where “tag”
might come from, staying
clear of the dark woods,
never imagining death
in an open field
on a sunny July day,
Luke, stacking bales
on the wagon lurching
behind the tractor
his father steered
over the hilly fields.
One deep rut toppled
Luke under the baler,
leaving an evenly spaced
trail of body parts
on the neatly shorn stubble.
The grownups whispered
the story and we strained
to hear, as if it was bedtime
and they were reading
Grimm’s Fairy Tales.

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On Kebler Pass

Posted on October 17, 2017 by stevieslaw

A fine poem by my friend Sarah Russell

Sarah Russell's avatarSarah Russell Poetry

dust the ferns with my ashes —
there, among the aspen
trembling gold against the sky.
Let them settle, sighing,
on the still warm earth of autumn
where the next peak calls your name.

Snow will come. The wind will show me
paths the doe and vixen know. The moon
will call me with her crescent mouth
and share stories of the embered stars.

– Sarah Russell
First published in Poppy Road Review
for Poets United Poetry Pantry
Photo Source

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