Dear Brueghel-just appeared in the Ekphrastic Review

img_0014

Venus Frigida, by Peter Paul Rubens (Flemish), 1614.

Dear Brueghel,

by Steve Deutsch

Venus Frigida, by Peter Paul Rubens (Flemish), 1614.

Dear Brueghel,

Stop by at your good time
to see the piece.
I’ve named it Venus Frigida.
It turns me blue to think of her.
How we all long
for the warmth
and sun of Italy.

Finding the wench
took little doing.
I simply put word
out in the taverns
and the next morning
the boulevard was packed
with women—eager to pose.
They blocked
the street so thoroughly
the provision carts
had no passage
and our fellow Antwerpers
had, that night, no waterzooi
but cabbage heads alone
to sample with their beer.
Some old-timers
easy with a grudge
still assault
me with rude gestures
as they pass.

I found a trick
by which to make
my model shiver.
I doused her with water–
two or three buckets do,
and had her repose in a sunless spot
until the goose bumps popped
and her breathing shallowed.
Her face spoke of pure despair,
as she shook from morn to eve!

But damn the imp.
The very thought
of finding one
gave me shivers.
Have you technique
to make them settle?
I used three infants
and shuttled them
in and out when patience,
theirs or mine, waned.
I threatened,
I cajoled,
and finally I bribed
them with the finest sweets.
I would have liked
to string one up
to gain the interest
of its peers.

A sculpted infant,
life like enough to paint
would be a boon to all.
Have you the skill?
I don’t.

Yours,
Rubens

Steve Deutsch

Steve Deutsch, a semi-retired practitioner of the fluid mechanics of mechanical hearts and heart valves, lives with his wife Karen–a visual artist, in State College, PA. Steve writes poetry, short fiction and the blog–stevieslaw@wordpress.com, which attempts satire. His most recent publications have appeared in New Verse News, Silver Birch Press, Misfit Magazine and One-Sentence poems.

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, poetry, Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

Stevieslaw: The Usual Suspects

Stevieslaw: The Usual Suspects

While some might doubt the claim by Donald Trump that his microphone was tampered with, the police department of Hempstead, Long Island, New York is taking the charge quite seriously. Sarah Parker, a spokesperson for Michael McGowan, Chief of the Hempstead Police, announced at a hastily arranged news conference, that progress in the case had already been made.

Ms. Parker told our own Smokey Diamond, “All of our 119 sworn police officers have been assigned to the case. We are concentrating on the people who might have, now or in the past, been offended by something Mr. Trump did or said. We consider this a huge breakthrough, in that we are now able to concentrate on women, the LGBT community, minorities—especially Muslims, Blacks, Hispanics and Jews, war heroes, members of the military, the disabled, current and former employees of Mr. Trump, former or current contractors to Mr. Trump, former or current students at Trump University, and others that he has swindled.”

Ms. Parker went on to describe how by limiting their search area to a fifty mile radius centered on Hofstra University, they were able to bring the number of people that will be brought in and questioned down to just under 13 million. “By working days, nights and weekends, we expect to have our preliminary questioning and screening completed in a little more than 100 years,” she concluded.

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: “Not I. Hillary Cut Down the Cherry Tree”

Stevieslaw: “Not I. Hillary Cut Down the Cherry Tree.”

The big birther announcement by Donald Trump, in which he finally admitted that Obama was born in the United States while blaming Clinton for starting the rumor in the first place, confirmed one thing. No matter how muddled Trump’s attempts at maintaining a consistent opinion on any issue are, his instinct to lie–first and foremost, is incredibly well developed. If his lips are moving, he is lying.

It calls into question the aspirations of his constituents for their children. When I was growing up, a parent might compare his child’s behavior to that of young George Washington–who never told a lie. A child like that was sure to get ahead.

So, what is it like in Trump’s world today? Does a proud parent, secretly sure that his child is getting away with murder by lying through his teeth, wink and tell his friends, “young Stevie is a real little Donald.” And does that parent believe, as sure as night follows day that “a child like that is sure to get ahead?”

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: Trump’s Chicken; Clinton’s Egg

Stevieslaw: Trump’s Chicken; Clinton’s Egg.

Here at Stevieslaw, we were frankly confused by the news cycle. For example, Trump’s statement that he could gun down someone on Fifth Avenue and get away with it, faded with the sun; while Clinton’s cough seems likely to occupy the news until at least Election Day. We suspected media bias. Sean Hannity of Fox News was kind enough to sit down with us and explain. He told us that what we took for media bias was simply the logical result of media point of view.

“Consider the following two stories that we ran with,” Hannity said.

In the first, we found out by some brilliant investigative reporting that Trump raises chickens on his upstate estate. He has no use for the meat or the eggs, but to help him unwind from a particularly trying day, he massacres the chickens by flying over in his personal helicopter, which is armed with air to air missiles, flame throwers, and a pair of very high powered machine guns. He reports his results on Twitter. Today, for example, he twittered “got two roosters with one burst–huge!”

In the second, Hillary Clinton had breakfast at a local restaurant at a campaign stop in Topeka. She had two fried eggs, toast, home fries and coffee, and perhaps a small orange juice.

In the first story, we focused on the chickens. Many urbanites are raising chickens and Trump is the consummate urbanite. The headline read “Trump, the billionaire candidate from New York City, unwinds by raising chickens. We showed clips of various city dwellers raising chickens in their small yards and interviewed an expert about the various breeds. In the second story, we focused on the eggs. That, we decided, was the heart of the story. The headline read: “Hungry Hillary devours the Unborn,” and the story logically featured protests outside of Planned Parenthood clinics as babies wailed in the background.”

“So you see,” concluded Hannity,”It is not media bias you are witnessing.” “It is merely the media following through with a story from a compelling point of view.” “You know–you chose the chicken or choose the egg.”

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: Clinton’s Ravishing Disease

Stevieslaw: Clinton’s Ravishing Disease
Alldatrut, a Brooklyn based blog that Smokey and I follow religiously (we love to say “what the…”), has just published a definitive analysis of Hillary Clinton’s health problems. Mrs. Clinton is not suffering from a common form of pneumonia, but has acquired the hugely contagious and deadly strain brought on by the bug—pneumoniococcuspharoahextremis. The blog says, authoritatively, that Ms. Clinton acquired the disease when she and her husband, Bill, using the Clinton Foundation as a front, despoiled the tomb of Pharaoh, No-name-on-the-door-Re, and made off with the gold.
There is no cure for the ailment, which is known to be responsible for many of mankind’s worst calamities. Among the host of historic events laid at its door are the black plague, the sinking of the Titanic, global warming, the death of Bambi’s mother, the sinking of Atlantis, and the rise of Ted Cruz. Be careful! This disease can be acquired just by watching Hillary speak on TV.
Dr. Los M.Y. Licens, a consultant with Fox News, confirmed that Hillary is a breeding ground for the deadly bug. “Symptoms vary,” said Licens, “as the disease causes the patient to take on the symptoms of every disease mentioned, by anyone, anywhere, and anytime. Someone just murmuring “Parkinson’s Disease,” at a garden party would cause Ms. Clinton to shake and stumble. It is my experience, continued Dr. Licens, that only strong leaders—like Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin, whose systems fight off disease like Superman fights off bullets, are immune.”
Dr. Licens went on to note that, if elected, Clinton would not only be our first female President, but would also be our first President to spend her entire term in quarantine. “There is no doubt, he concluded with a winning Fox News smile, “Mrs. President will live and work is the White House bubble.”

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A Last Lab Report

http://newversenews.blogspot.com/

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Stevieslaw: A good kick in the pants

Stevieslaw: A Good Kick in the Pants
I liked to visit my mother at the nursing home in the mornings. She loved to be served breakfast. She would sit in the big easy chair we had salvaged from her home, like a queen on her throne, and savor the food on her tray—usually something like oatmeal and stewed prunes, as she watched some talk show or other. She’d have the sound up to a level that would make a jack-hammerer wince. She never used her hearing aids.
I walked in one morning to find her pointing at the TV and shouting, “It’s the Real Deal.” But when I glanced over at the TV, all I saw was Donald Trump in full rant.
When she had calmed down, my mom spent the next few minutes trying to convince me that the guy on TV was a professional wrestling from the WWWF era.
“He called himself the “Real Deal,” she said, “But we all knew he was silver- spooner.”
I remembered that mom would watch professional wrestling on our small black and white screen almost every night. She would twist and turn in her chair as she watched, as if to give the wrestlers hints and encouragements.
“He was more mouth than moves,” she said. “He would wear a cheap orange wig and shorts to match. He would often lose the wig.”
“Not much of a wrestler,” she continued, “But he was fun to watch—his mouth never stopped moving non-stop insults. He gave hundreds of interviews. His catch phrase was that he was going to make professional wrestling great again.”
She went on to tell me that she had watched the Real Deal lose matches to some of the greats—like Crazy Luke Graham, Dr. Jerry and Tarzan Tyler.
“Ric Flair once had him in a figure four leglock for about ten minutes,” she said. The Deal was screeching so that the ref couldn’t stop laughing long enough to stop the match.”
Mom grew thoughtful for a moment as she watched the present day Donald Trump talk about deporting eleven million immigrants, building a wall, and preventing Muslims from entering America.
“He could use a good kick in the pants,” she said and went back to her coffee.

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Stevieslaw: One a Day

Stevieslaw: One a Day
Trump Industries has begun marketing a “Make America Great Again,” pill under the brand name, “Believe Me.” “Believe Me,” will be sold through the mail and on street corners and will be heavily advertised.”
“Ads for Believe Me will completely replace traditional campaign ads,” said Trump spokesperson, Adam Smith. “Campaign ads are for losers,” continued Adam.
The pills, which must be taken once a day from now until Election Day, work on an amazing “event release” mechanism (patent pending) discovered by Trump in his penthouse laboratory. Because of event release, “Believe Me” will have no noticeable effect until Donald Trump is elected President of the United States.
“As soon as that happens,” said Mr. Smith, “the pills will activate and everything you hate will disappear and be replaced by everything you love. There is nothing to know or to do. Very, very quickly the liberal Supreme Court Justices will resign, ISIS will disappear and your mother, dead for nearly twenty years, will reanimate to make you a batch of those blueberry pancakes you have been missing.”
“The pills are a real bargain at $1.99 each,” said Smith. “We are able to keep the price down by making them in China.” “Make sure to order yours today.”
Smith was careful to note that the pills were not recommended for children under three years old, who already believe wishful thinking is the way the world works.

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , , | 4 Comments

Stevieslaw: The Persistence of Memory

The Persistence of Memory

And there it is,
something sweet
from who knows where–
an arrival as unsuspected
as finding,
upon your doorstep,
something old and dear
you never knew you’d lost.

Posted in Humor, poetry, sleepless in state college | Tagged | 2 Comments

Stevieslaw: Dear John Q. Public

Stevieslaw: Dear John Q. Public
Hi John Q:
Well I’m off on my seven week paid vacation. I’m afraid that once again my colleagues and I got almost nothing done. But why pretend that you care? We will patch together something or other to keep things running when we get back. You won’t notice.
It’s not a real vacation anyway—I take those on the job. I will be spending the next few weeks getting myself reappointed—reelected we still call it, though I can’t imagine why. We’ve rigged the system and most of you don’t vote. I will be everywhere—shaking hands, kissing babies and talking, always talking. Don’t worry that I might overexert—talking is the one thing I do really well.
So come see me in Podunk this month or next. I will be at the local high school. The Civics club will have refreshments—lemonade and chocolate chip cookies, I imagine—so you can munch and sip while I tell you, and tell you, and tell you how tirelessly I have been pursuing your interests. And you will listen raptly, shake your empty heads and decide that while all the others in Congress are scalawags and snake oil salesmen, your Congressman—thank the lord, is the salt of the earth.

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments