Stevieslaw: Good-citizen Steve

Posted on April 6, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Good-citizen Steve
I did my taxes yesterday. I bought one of those programs that you see everywhere and for $39.95 I got to hit “next” about 400 times. As I was doing them, I slowly began to realize there were voices growing louder and louder in my head. Soon, I had an image to go with the jingle. All my old friends, Mike and Marty, Potsy and Dave and even Joel were leaning against the aging fence that enclosed our basketball court in Brownsville and singing, for my benefit, “He’s a hero, He’s a hero, He’s an all-American schmuck.”
Now with the release of the “Panama Papers,” and the knowledge of associated practices in the U.S., we get clear evidence of what we have already sensed—that the only people paying their fair share of taxes are those least able to. The fat-cats and the Corporations can skip paying taxes because you and I have them covered. It’s like going out to dinner with G.E. every week and saying,” I’ve got the check.”
It’s what we do. You and I and the rest of the schmucks.

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Stevieslaw: Holding the line on near rhyme

Posted on April 3, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Holding the line on near rhyme
This week the Mississippi Senate passed the “Church Protection Act,” which allows a church or place of worship to establish an armed security team. It goes on to protect members of the team from civil liability should they happen to shoot someone “committing a felony upon a member of the congregation.” Those planning to visit some church or other in Jackson with the idea of singing “Nearer my god to thee,” off-key should consider themselves forewarned.
Just as the Senate must have asked themselves, “what would Jesus do?” our local poetry group took up the topic of poetry militias this Saturday by asking, “What would Robert Frost do?” By unanimous vote, the group decided to take “the road less traveled,” and petition the Pennsylvania Senate to establish “liability free poetry militias.” In the petition, we pointed out that Barack Hussein Obama is violently opposed to the formation of such a militia, even though he holds no credentials as a poet.
Our club spokesperson, Pinsky Oliver, captured the mood of the club by penning in the petition (to appear in pistolpoempress, 2016), “imperiled by doggerel, near-rhyme and painfully forced enjambment, verse must be free to self-defend.” “And,” he added, “Have you ever seen some of the characters that show up for open mike?”

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Stevieslaw: Three Little Words

Posted on April 1, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Three Little Words
No. Not those.
I mean the three little words that many of us dread to hear or see first thing in the morning or last thing at night. Today the three words led into the New York Times article about the State Senate in Kansas passing a bill allowing the impeachment of state judges should they issue rulings that undermine the will of the legislature—say by following the Constitution of the State. But this is a relatively mild example.
The words? Oh, I thought you would have guessed by now—“The Republican Controlled”… See or hear those three words and you know what follows is sure to be a mean spirited, cruel, anti-human, anti-earth, inane, insane or purely bonkers new ruling meant to cement the position or demonstrate the power of the ruling, right-wing, thugs in wingtips.
Perhaps, we should unelect them

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Stevieslaw Exclusive: Slicing an Apple

Posted on March 30, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw Exclusive: Slicing an Apple
While the FBI is not discussing how they were able to hack into the I-phone of Syed Farook, the gunman who with his wife killed 14 people in San Bernardino in December and Apple is still insisting it can’t be done, our own intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, has sniffed out the rest of the story.
She reports that the I-Phone was opened by Alice and Alvin Edwards, twin children of FBI agent Keith Edwards. The twins are eleven years old and live in Detroit.
“We are a little embarrassed it took us so long to break in,” said Alice. “Dad brought it home for us to look at nearly a week ago.”
Alvin agreed and said, “what with band practice, the start of softball season and mom’s hard and fast rule that homework always comes first, we had a little problem finding the time to play with the phone.”
“The homework first rule holds even in cases of national security,” said Alice with a winning grin.
“These things take time and patience,” Alvin continued. “But in the end it wasn’t all that hard.”
“A lot easier than Junior High School algebra,” joked the twins in one voice.

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Stevieslaw: What dies in winter.

Posted on March 28, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: What dies in winter.
It was just nice enough yesterday for me to bundle up, grab my old pruning shears and head out to the garden. I like to believe I’m a gardener, but the truth is I never got around to putting my garden to bed last fall, so there was a lot of trimming to do. As I went from plant to plant, trimming away the winter kill, I couldn’t help but notice how quiet it was—still too early for the professional landscaping crews, endemic to the neighborhood, to begin their mowing.
Along the property line, I noticed that my neighbor Walt was out trimming as well. We gave each other a half-hearted nod. Once, we would have huddled at the line and spoken for a few minutes. We’d have talked about the neighborhood, or sports, or events at the College up the hill. But Walt has been moving right politically since the early ‘80s and I have been moving left. He will vote for Trump in the primary in April and I will vote for Sanders. And in the quiet, brisk beginnings of the new season, it was easy to see just how estranged we have become. How there is no topic we can still talk about together. How we have become two gardeners who can’t even talk about the weather.

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Stevieslaw: If Ted Cruz is your party’s preferred nominee…

Posted on March 23, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: If Ted Cruz is your party’s preferred nominee…

then your party is broken beyond repair. Or poetically:

The Republican Party sat on a wall,
The Republican Party had a great fall;
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put The Republicans together again.

In a related story, The New York Times reports that the election of either Cruz or Trump will put an end to immigration into the United States, without the need for either of them to change the current laws.

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Stevieslaw: It’s Not Complicated

Posted on March 22, 2016 by stevieslaw

My poem “It’s not complicated” just appeared is the current issue (17) of Misfit Magazine. The link is to misfitmagazine.net. I’ve reprinted the page:

It’s Not Complicated

Our yoga instructor
calmly commands
our attention,
as she stands
a perfect tree
on the waxed wooden floor
of our ancient gymnasium,
and proposes, this week,
to teach us how to breathe.
“It’s not complicated,”
she whispers conspiratorially–
“we begin by breathing in
and finish by breathing out.”
“Joyfully,” she adds with a sigh
that compounds our perplexity.
But it’s not complicated, and
by the tenth or twentieth try,
we are emitting such gladdening exhalations
that only those wizened practitioners,
who hover above the river Ganges,
inhaling and exhaling in rhythm
with the planetary globs
would dare to rival us.
It is as if we were born to breathing.

“And next week,” she says
with a barely perceptible wink,
“We all will learn to stand.”

Steven Deutsch, a semi-retired practitioner of fluid mechanics as applied to mechanical hearts and valves, lives a quiet life in State College, PA with his artist wife, Karen.

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Stevieslaw: Oxford English Dictionary approves “to cobamanate”

Posted on March 17, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Oxford English Dictionary approves “to cobamanate.”
The OED today announced that it has added the verb, “to cobamanate” to the English language. The verb and its noun and adjective forms are to be used in the sense of “contaminate,” provided that the only reason the item or event is to be looked at as tainted or poisoned is its association with Barack Obama, the 44th President of the United States. “A case in point,” said OED spokesperson, Alpha Bet, “is the refusal of the United States Senate to consider the nomination to the Supreme Court of Merrick Garland– a quite reasonable nominee.” He has been cobamanated.”Mr. Bet also confirmed that the dictionary is now accepted the variation, “obamanation,” for the existed word abomination using the same line of reasoning.
House Republicans were furious over the action of the Dictionary and promised an extensive investigation. Said Speaker Paul Ryan, “It is unconscionable for the Dictionary to wait this long to give us this very useful word. I see a liberal conspiracy.”

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Stevieslaw: Canadians to Thump Trump

Posted on March 16, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Canadians to thump Trump
Citing a brilliant new strategy, the Republican leadership announced today that they will allow Canadians to vote in each of the remaining primaries in an ongoing effort to stop Donald Trump. “Canadians of any age will be allowed to cast their ballot in any or all of the remaining primaries,” said spokesperson, D.P. Measure. “They can vote as often as they like without the need for voter identification, “ continued Mr. Measure.
A candid Measure was clear in stating the leadership’s belief that America’s Republican voters could not be trusted to choose a candidate. “After all,” Mr. Measure said, “The Canadians have a huge stake in this election. Roughly a quarter of all Americans have said they would be certain to move if Trump is elected. The numbers for Cruz are not as well-defined, but are certain to include any Americans that has ever had a kind thought.”
“They are going north,” concluded Mr. Measure.
In a related story, Donald Trump has announced that Ernst Rohm will organize security for the upcoming convention. Rohm will report directly to Chris Christie. Mr. Rohm said, “Convention security is a huge concern and we intend to mobilize a large number of the faithful to ensure the convention does its job properly.” Rohm has even decided on a uniform—going with the traditional brown shirt and armband featuring a prominent DT in a circle. We are concerned with the possibility of sabotage, be it by bomb, fire or liberal leaning plotters. “We will carry out the will of the people in any way necessary,” Rohm concluded.

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Stevieslaw: Republicans admit to grave mistake

Posted on March 9, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Republicans admit to grave mistake
Rolland Garis, spokesperson for the Republican Establishment, confessed today to our own Smokey Diamond that they had made a grave mistake. “We mixed up two names that sounded just like each other,” he said. “It’s as simple as that.
Garis claimed that the establishment had been trying desperately to stop the candidacy of Ronald Trump—an incoherent, egotistical, uniformed, neo-Nazi. Of course, we tried as hard as we could to convince people that Ronald did not represent true Republican values. Imagine our total shock when we found that Donald Trump not Ronald Trump was the actual candidate. Why would we oppose Donald—a well-informed, truly conservative, man of the people, who has spent his career helping people—often at his own expense?
Said Mitt Romney, “I am so embarrassed, of course I am all for my dear friend Donald Trump.”
“We will make this up to Donald,” noted Mr. Garis. “After all, the choice has really come down to Donald or the guy from Texas whose picture alone makes toddlers weep inconsolably and strong men gag.”
“Fortunately, it’s only money—no more than a few hundred million,” concluded Rolland.
(endnote: Smokey points out that this is only two or three times what Republicans are holding up in funding for Flint.)

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