Stevieslaw: Greed–the gift that keeps giving and giving…

Posted on February 16, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Greed—the gift that keeps giving
The Brookings Institute reports that for men born in 1920, there was a six year difference in life expectancy between the top 10 percent of earners and the bottom ten percent of earners. For men born in 1950, that difference has doubled to 14 years. Women fare about the same—4.7 years to 13 years.
Here at Stevieslaw, we have new projections that strongly suggest that members of the top 1% of earners will live on average for 186 years, while the poorest 1% will die out by age 27. The projection for women is even worse, as it factors in the decision by the legislators and governors of the Red States to strictly limit health care for women to just the day they give birth.
Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, sees even more serious worries on the horizon. “With the current projections,” she hissed, “It appears entirely possible for Donald Trump to continue his quest for the Presidency for the next 120 years or so.” “That’s 30 election cycles.” “Factoring that into the calculations of the life expectancy for everyone else will not be easy,” she acknowledged. “But the loss of any measurable “will to live” among the 99.9% is sure to drag these numbers into the single digits.”

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Stevieslaw: The Senate and the Supreme Court

Posted on February 15, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: The Senate and the Supreme Court
There seem to be subtle differences between the people currently serving in the Senate and those who are (or were) on the Supreme Court. For example, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who could not be more philosophically opposed to the views of former Justice Antonin Scalia, said today of Scalia, “when I wrote for the Court and received a Scalia dissent, the opinion ultimately released was notably better than my initial circulation. Justice Scalia nailed all the weak points—the apple sauce and ‘argle bargle’—and gave me just what I needed to strengthen the majority opinion.”
Over on the Senate side, Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio—who are as philosophically close as the obverse and reverse of a dime, disagreed over who is a true conservative. Cruz accused an eight year old Rubio of playing ping-pong with the son of a prominent Democrat. Rubio vehemently denied the charge and accused Cruz of “lies, lies and more lies.” Attack ads on both sides of this earthshattering issue have already begun to appear in South Carolina. (Others have weighed in—Trump, for example, declared he has never lost at ping-pong.)
The Senate gets to approve or disapprove of the President’s Supreme Court nominee. What could go wrong?

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Stevieslaw: Cousin Myron’s Albanian Connection

Posted on February 13, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Cousin Myron’s Albanian Connection
I could hear the wheels turning. Myron, my ferocious red-headed cousin, had called me last week in more of a tizzy than usual. That’s not easy, as Myron works himself up about nearly everything.
“They stole my steps,” he screamed into the phone, in what I’m sure he assumed was his most reasonable voice. “I lost 3200 steps, 14 stairs, 21 minutes and 35 seconds of sports activity and the best night’s sleep I’ve had in years. My Alpine merit badge with oak cluster is at risk,” he exclaimed tearfully.
For a minute, I thought that Myron had lost it entirely—he tells me once a week that his wife, Marsha, is driving him nuts—and then, I realized that Myron was talking about his Fitbit.
“They hacked your Fitbit,” I asked incredulously?
“They found my Fitbit password about a month ago and have been siphoning steps every day. Is nothing sacred,” he asked woundedly? “Fitbit has frozen my account for my safety. I need to come up with a 27 character alpha-numeric code involving capitals, numbers, and emoji symbols that has never ever been used before.”
“That’s easy,” he admitted, “But I will never remember it. Sure, I will write it down, but I will certainly lose the paper I write it on.”
Myron had been following a procedure used by more and more of us, who are not finely attuned to the ways of the web. First thing every morning, he would go to each of his on-line sites using his I-pad and click the little box that said “forgot password.” After breakfast, he would retrieve his passwords and visit his bank, his patient portal, his newspapers and magazines, and of course, his Facebook account.
Last week, someone hacked in and changed his e-mail address everywhere. His passwords are now sent to whoknowswhere.
“How is it that any 13 year old Albanian with a first generation I-phone has more access to my life then I do,” he questioned? “Oh,” he said and the phone went instantly dead.
Myron has been much happier this week. He told me over knishes and lean corned-beef on rye that since Besiana and Arian have taken over his internet security, life has been a breeze. I’m sure you’ve figured out the punch line. Besiana, who is 12, and Arian, who is 13 both live in Tirana, the Capital of Albania. Their services are not at all expensive. I can let you have their email address, as soon as I find the paper I wrote it on.

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Stevieslaw: A Public Service Announcement

Posted on February 11, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
Now that we’ve learned that Governor John Kasich of Ohio will sign a bill to defund Planned Parenthood, we would like to remind our readers that Johnny is the face of Republican moderates. Practice safe-voting and always remember that “friends don’t let friends vote Republican.”

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Stevieslaw: Cruz offers stairway to heaven

Posted on February 11, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Cruz offers stairway to heaven
Now that it is more or less agreed among the most fervent Evangelicals that Ted Cruz has been anointed by God to be our next president, his campaign has begun to use his Messiah-like status to advantage.
Jesu Jesu, spokesperson for the Cruz campaign, told our own Smokey Diamond today that the Cruz campaign would begin offering Indulgences for campaign contributions. As we know, Indulgences, or the reduction of penance for sin, was a doctrine of the church for more than 1000 years. It reached its pinnacle in the late middle ages, when the church sent out professional pardoners to collect hard cash for the sin-relief,” he said.
“With the Ted’s blessing,” he continued, “We will continue that fine, longstanding tradition.” “We will be able to offer all sorts of Indulgences, simply based on the amount of the campaign contribution.” “For example, a contribution of $1000 and above will absolutely guarantee you a spot in heaven—so help me Ted,” he said with a smile.
When our intrepid but recently bewildered reporter pointed out that “the abuse of Indulgences by the church in the late Middle Ages was one of the causes of the Reformation,” Jesu was quick to respond with—“Act now, if you know what good for you. We cannot guarantee the low, low price of $1000 for a free pass to heaven for very long.” “It’s certain to rise after Ted wins in South Carolina.”

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Stevieslaw: Billionaire Spirit

Posted on February 9, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Billionaire Spirit
It seems as if all of us have at one time or another decorated the family sedan or van with a bumper sticker signifying pride or support. For example, one sees many cars with “my daughter is an honor student at…,” or vote for Joe Smith,” or even “my daughter beat up your honor student.”
Now, the top one tenth of one percent and their enablers in local, state and federal legislatures are testing the water for a series of bumper stickers suitable for use on their limos, yachts and private jets. Spokesperson, Joss Foulks, told our own Smokey Diamond, “Billionaires want to show the same sort of support and pride of purpose that ordinary people feel, so we have designed a set of “bumper stickers” for the top tier of Americans, he continued.” “We are still developing our full array of slogans, but we will be launching this week with three doozies—I support corporate welfare, suppress the vote, and let them drink wine. The messages will appear in red on a blue and white banner and will be easy to read from miles away.”
“Buy one or buy all three,” said J.F., and have your people keep their eyes peeled for each new amazing message.”

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Posted on February 9, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Billionaire Spirit
It seems as if all of us have at one time or another decorated the family sedan or van with a bumper sticker signifying pride or support. For example, one sees many cars with “my daughter is an honor student at…,” or vote for Joe Smith,” or even “my daughter beat up your honor student.”
Now, the top one tenth of one percent and their enablers in local, state and federal legislatures are testing the water for a series of bumper stickers suitable for use on their limos, yachts and private jets. Spokesperson, Joss Foulks, told our own Smokey Diamond, “Billionaires want to show the same sort of support and pride of purpose that ordinary people feel, so we have designed a set of “bumper stickers” for the top tier of Americans. he continued.” “We are still developing our full array of slogans, but we will be launching this week with three doozies—I support corporate welfare, suppress the vote, and let them drink wine. The messages will appear in red on a blue and white banner and will be easy to read from miles away.”
“Buy one or buy all three,” said J.F., and keep have your people keep their eyes peeled for each new amazing message.”

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Stevieslaw: Rubio tells all

Posted on February 8, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Rubio Tells All
An obviously distraught and tearful Marco Rubio unveiled to the entire world today a secret that he had carried with him since he was a pre-teenager. Rubio explained, in a breaking voice, how he had been abused by family members since he was 10 and woke one day to find he was pregnant at the age of 12.
“I had no one to turn to,” said Marco, “So I turned to my spiritual advisor, who advised I have the baby.” “I did,” he said, “and the baby was later adopted.”
“It was both the most difficult and the best decision I have ever made,” said Marco. “So when I insist that women bear babies even in the case of rape or incest, I can truly say—I feel your pain, I have been where you are now.”

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Stevieslaw: Cruz campaign warns of the curse of Egypt

Posted on February 6, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Cruz Campaign warns of the curse of Egypt
Moses Rebern, chief liaison officer between the Cruz campaign and the Evangelicals and one of his more centrist advisors, warned today that failure to anoint Ted Cruz president of the United States would bring the plagues of Egypt down on the heads of all Americans. Rebern told Smokey Diamond that he had heard directly from God on a hilltop just outside Waco, Texas. “God,” said Moses, “was wearing a very fine ten gallon hat, cowboy boots and had a Colt revolver in a quick draw holster strapped to his leg.”
Rebern told Smokey that the Zika virus was the one and only warning that the people of America would get.
Sadly, Smokey has begun to drink heavily again.

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Stevieslaw: The New Candidate

Posted on February 5, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: The New Candidate.
Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, got the news with her coffee and sardines this morning. The Association of Republican Super PACs had decided that their members must drastically change their direction. They wanted to talk.
Smokey sat down with D.K. Mony, SuperPac spokesperson. D.K. spoke candidly. He said that the positive reaction to Bernie Sanders call to get money out of politics as a top priority had bothered all of the members of the Association. “The question most asked,” he said—confiding in Smokey, “Is why people hate us?” “Sure a few of our members—probably under a dozen, have purchased the country,” he continued. “But that just guarantees stability—think of Germany in the mid-1930’s. “ “Democracy is a messy business which no one has the patience for any more.”
“We pondered that question for quite a while, until it suddenly struck us that the reason we are hated lies in our choice of people to represent us,” he said enthusiastically. “We will put more than a billion dollars into the presidential race and we’ve hired the cast of “chock-full-of nuts.” A sleepwalker, the wicked witch of the west, the pizza guy and several men that make everyone who sees or hears them instinctively go into a fetal position.”
“Why this cast,” he said, “when there are tens of thousands of unemployed actors and actresses out there.” “Their depth and knowledge,” he said with a laugh. “Their deep convictions?” “We have written the script,” he said with a smile. “Why hire a bunch of wingnut wannabees to read it?”
“Smokey,” said D.K. sincerely, “We want you to help publicize our casting call for Presidential candidates.” “We anticipate the need for a 60ish gentleman whose fine gray hair and bright eyes speak kindness and wisdom and a vivacious woman whose very manner promises friendship to each and every citizen.” “It would be best if the woman have some Latino blood—although I am sure that any good actress could fake it.”
“We need to get cracking on this,” said Mony, “As it won’t be too long before the Democratic SuperPacs catch on to this revolutionary idea.”

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