Stevieslaw: Government agrees to Bundy’s major demand

Posted on January 29, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Government agrees to Bundy’s major demand.
It has become clear that Ammon Bundy and his group of super patriots, who have been occupying the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge, will succeed in getting one of their foremost demands granted by the Federal Government. In fact if the Feds have their way, the entire bunch will become entitled to free room and board at a federally owned and operated facility—duration to be determined by a judge and jury. Well done!
Here at Stevieslaw, we find ourselves no longer able to ignore the obvious connection between Ammon Bundy and the fictional lead in “Married with Children,” Al Bundy. Al, a harried and henpecked shoe salesman, finds that his every scheme makes his wretched life even more unbearable. Clearly, Ammon Bundy could step right in as the new lead. We believe that this entire inexplicable episode in faulty reasoning and bad judgement only makes sense as a sequel to “Married with Children.” Remember, when you tune in to the show (on ABC at 9PM) this fall that you read it first here. We can’t wait.

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Stevieslaw: Linguist Uncovers “roots” of G.O.P.

Posted on January 27, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Linguist Uncovers “roots” of G.O.P.
Most Americans recognize the abbreviation, G.O.P., as standing for Grand Old Party—The Republican Party, yet Mary Oliver, a linguistics professor at Yale University has been linking this type of abbreviation to ancient language patterns for nearly 20 years. Her latest finding, to be published next month in “Linguistica” is that G.O.P. was intended by the ancient Phoenicians to signify “barefoot and pregnant.” Dr. Oliver noted that the verb form preceding this phrase is not entirely clear but most likely had the sense or meaning of “keeping or maintaining them.”
Carl Mistgony, spokesperson for the G.O.P., took time out from work on his top legislative priority, that of defunding Planned Parenthood—a group that one in five American women will visit in her lifetime, to discuss Oliver’s study.
“This is just one more example of the liberal media trying to paint the Republican Party with the label—war on women,” he said, “And that simply isn’t so” “The Republicans are waging a war against the laws that permit women free and equal rights as citizens of the nation and, of course, against their rights to all sorts of health care, but that is not the same as a war on woman. Anyone who can not appreciate this distinction must be suffering from the sort of hysteria that, you know, women are prone to.”
In a related story, Republican presidential hopefuls, Marco Rubio and Jeb Bush, attributed the delay in defunding and punishing Planned Parenthood to the technicality—“that they have done nothing wrong.” Both candidates have promised to defund linguistic research “forever and a day” on the day they take office.

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Stevieslaw: Our Monday Political Briefing

Posted on January 25, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Our Monday Political Briefing
There was disturbing news out of the Senate this week, as our representatives were unable to override an Obama veto of their bill to stop an Environmental Protection Agency plot to protect the quality of headwaters and wetlands. All the Republican candidates for President were quick to remind us that under a Republican regime there would have been no veto. Ted Cruz spokesperson, Ted Cruz, said, “As President I will do everything in my power to keep the EPA out of the environment.”
Pat Toomey, U.S. Senator for Pennsylvania, who cast a vote for overriding the veto reminded us that, “The EPA is out of step with the times.” They create job-killing regulations that address problems that have long ago been solved. For example, when is the last time the news media reported an issue of water cleanliness in an American city or town?” Stevieslaw would like to remind our readers in Pennsylvania that Toomey is up for reelection this year.
On the House of Representative side, the aftermath of the snowstorm has forced our representatives to delay all voting until February. In an extensive, scientific poll of 6 Americans, Stevieslaw found that 5 felt relieved and much more hopeful for the future of the nation, while one was saddened and bereft over a lack of a vote to repeal Obamacare this week. The entire House is up for election this year.

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Stevieslaw: Fey Weighs In

Posted on January 20, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Fey Weighs In.
Actress and comedian, Tina Fey, told our intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, in a phone interview this morning that she was “profoundly grateful” that Sarah Palin had endorsed Donald Trump for President. Fey said, “I was particular intrigued by Palin’s promise to improve Trump’s foreign policy credentials by taking him to Alaska and showing him how to keep an eye on the Russians.”
Ms. Fey promised that a host of skits and satires would follow from the Palin pronouncement, provided she and her team of writers can ever stop laughing.

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Stevieslaw: Shared Values

Posted on January 18, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Shared Values-On top of old Smokey…

We all know the song. We all sang various parodies of it as children. But thanks to our Republican representatives in Congress, we may have to change the beginning to something like:
On top of old Smokey,
all covered in coal…
The GOP led House this week passed a bill that would block a new federal rule to prevent coal companies blasting mountaintops to get at the coal and then dumping the toxic debris into nearby streams and valleys. They then defeated a Democratic amendment to stop the blocking action if it could be shown that the practice increased the incidence of birth defects, or lung, heart or kidney disease. And, to complete the trifecta, they voted to kill a new EPA rule to protect headwaters and wetlands. Obama has promised a veto.
We got these little known facts from the “roll call” section of the Centre Daily Times. The column provides a snapshot of what your representatives are up to. It was a pretty typical week—even accounting for the fact that Republican Governor Rick Snyder of Michigan decided that poisoning children in Flint was okay if it saved money.
As I recall the argument, many Americans vote Republican because the candidates “share their values.” Maybe it’s time to make a list of all the values we share with them–a bucket list of shared values. So far this year we have:
1. Poisoning the poor (particularly children) and
2. Poisoning the environment.
But, trust me, these bozos are capable of more and better values for us to share, in the eleven and a half months remaining to 2016.

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Stevieslaw: Dr. StrangeBen

Posted on January 16, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw:
Because you feel a certain kinship with Ben Carson, who, like you is almost always “off his meds,” you will use your superpowers to ensure that he elevated to Supreme Leader, here on the planet Remulak.

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Stevieslaw: You should probably vote for Ted Cruz

Posted on January 15, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: You should probably vote for Ted Cruz if
old women always cross themselves rapidly as they mumble a prayer and then spit three times when they pass you in the street.

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Stevieslaw: You know you should vote for Trump

Posted on January 14, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: You know you should vote for Trump
if you watched him on T.V. last night as he announced he would buy Liberty Island, return the Statue of Liberty to the “Frogs,” and build a hundred story high, luxury condominium on the Island, with Incredible amenities available to the 25 winners offered ownership by invitation only and while staring at your engraved invitation, your only thought is, “What an incredible view I’m going to have.”

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Stevieslaw: How to be a Billionaire

Posted on January 13, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: How to be a Billionaire
Here at Stevieslaw, we have been known to come down hard on the inanity, right-wingedness, and obliviousness of our local newspaper, The Centre Daily Times, but today I must admit their story on how to spend your Powerball winnings had everyone in the office affectionately chuckling. We are. Small Town! Lori Falce, writing for the CDT, suggested you might buy the area’s highest price house, the best car, the best bottle of wine and, of course, a 10-year lease on a luxury box at Beaver Stadium. What do you do with the remaining 996 mil, Lori?
By now, everyone else in America knows what a billion buys you. Today, in the CDT, they report that Senator Pat Toomey spent roughly 17 million on his successful 2010 election. By my calculations, your 1.5 billion winnings entitles you to ownership of one senator, four members of the House of Representatives, and any number of the State and Local officials you can stand to have in your presence. That’s all for chump change—remember you will be a member of the billionaires club. Forbes magazine listed entry into the club as the top way to reduce your tax burden to zero.
These public representatives will be at your constant beck and call—willing to repeat any nonsense you dream up at any hour of the day or night. Want to declare a hunting season for middle-eastern looking people in Central Park in April? You can have it deliberated on the floor of the senate that very day. What’s more, the news media will be anxious to pick the story up and discuss the pros and cons of the measure with all seriousness. And your own presence will be a timely addition to any of the million or so Sunday morning news shows. On Face the Nation, you can pontificate about how perseverance, good old-Americanhardworkedness, and wise choice led you to buy the winning ticket at the local convenience store, where you were stopping for gas anyway. Tell America that he main thing they must remember is, that unlike everyone else in the nation, you did not let a loss in last Wednesday’s drawing keep you from buying another ticket.
Remember, America. Winning a million or two is wonderful, but winning a billion is priceless.

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Stevieslaw: Choice and the Republican Right

Posted on January 6, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Choice and the Republican Right
It seems an article of faith among the rich and successful of the Republican Right that they are where they are because of the extensive string of wise choices they have made along the way. Here, at Stevieslaw, we call the ability to know, without fail, the consequence of your choice, “wishfulthinking,” and being liberals to the core would probably use the talent to do no more than pick the winner at the 4th race at Belmont. But it is more serious for serious conservatives. The goddess, Ayn Rand, would tell you if she lived that you have free will—you get to choose those problems you will think about from those you choose to let slide. Clearly, bad choices lead to poverty, lawlessness and acne and must be shunned.
Suitably enlightened, we decided to explore the sad story of bad choice. We sought to trace it to its beginning—to coin a phrase, to “first choice.” To do this, we interviewed ten infants, none over the age to three weeks, to find out why they had chosen to be born into poor and dysfunctional families. Clearly, these were terrible choices and we asked the infants—five boys and five girls, why? We were startled to find that not a single one of these infants could do more than coo or cry in response to our questions—no matter how gently or persistently we asked. Clearly, the compassionate conservatives were right. These infants, who had chosen to be born into families in crisis, were not reasoning at an adult level, acting in fact infantile. In short, since they were not capable of wise choice, they could never be helped. So much for the myth of help through social programs, such as early childhood education.
Good science might demand that we interview infants who choose to be born into privileged families, but of course the answer would be clear. Each of the infants would rationally explain, in perfect English, why he or she had chosen to be born into a family strong enough to feed, clothe and encourage. Many of the 3 week olds would already have a 401 K and extensive holdings in an off-shore account. Need you look farther than the wise choice of birth parents made by Donald Trump?
Are those who choose privilege more likely to succeed? Sure.

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