Stevieslaw: Occupy Nowhere

Posted on January 5, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Occupy Nowhere
Federal officials reacted with pleasure over the decision by the group of ranchers to occupy the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge, a bleak uninviting stretch of wilderness 300 miles from Portland in the dead of winter. Said, S. M. Ilinginside, Spokesperson for James Comey—Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, “We have a couple of dozen armed wingnuts who have chosen to isolate themselves from the general population in a spot that is remote as all hell. They can spend all winter, if they wish, shooting and eating small furry things and telling each other stories about how brave they are. The FBI informants among them will keep us appraised of whatever insanity they are getting up to and we don’t have to arrest them and subsequently house, cloth and feed them. Once the media gets tired of slugging out to the middle of nowhere, we won’t even have to hear from them,” he said with a smile.
Although the government is not talking it up, we at Stevieslaw have learned that there are plans afoot to create more “Federal Refuge Areas” as destinations for militias and other crazies. The Yucca Mountain nuclear waste repository, for example, was renamed Obamacare Headquarters just today. Several dozen primitive cabins are available for occupation. Plans are in the works for several large facilities at former nuclear test sites in southeastern Nye County, Nevada, as well—“The Federal Gun Control Headquarters” will be located in that area.
“Transportation continues to be a problem,” admitted S.M, “as some of these areas are quite remote.” “However, we have embarked on a new initiative to allow these desperados free transportation to hell holes of their choice.” “I have no doubt we will end up calling the transport the lunatic express,” he said with a chuckle.

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Stevieslaw: How do I say goodbye to an old friend?

Posted on December 31, 2015 by stevieslaw

I am not a news junkie. I do not spend my time flipping through cable channels to relive again and again the endless litany of bad and worse. Yet, I start every morning with my local newspaper, The Centre Daily Times. It’s getting harder to do.
I do not recall ever being without a morning paper. I grew up in New York City, where you could start the morning with The Daily News, take The Times with you on the subway, and return home with a copy of The New York Post. One or the other was sure to get your blood pressure up, give you something to ponder, or perhaps something to laugh at. To this day, I remember the lesson we had in our English class in 7th grade at Meyer Levin Junior High on how to fold the New York Times so that you could read it while standing and swaying in a subway car. Yes, it was that important. And we even had our own newspaper song, curtesy of Tom Paxton:
DAILY NEWS
(Tom Paxton)
Civil rights leaders are a pain in the neck
Can’t hold a candle to Chang Kai Shek
How do I know? I read it in the Daily News
Ban the bombers are afraid of a fight
Peace hurts business and that ain’t right
How do I know? I read it in the Daily News
chorus: Daily News, daily blues
Pick up a copy any time you choose
Seven little pennies in the newsboy’s hand
And you ride right along to never, never land

We got to bomb Castro, got to bomb him flat
He’s too damn successful and we can’t risk that
How do I know? I read it in the Daily News
There’s millions of commies in the freedom fight
Yelling for Lenin and civil rights
How do I know? I read it in the Daily News

Seems like the whole damn world’s gone wrong
Saint Joe McCarthy is dead and gone
How do I know? I read it in the Daily News
Don’t try to make me change my mind with facts
To hell with the graduated income tax
How do I know? I read it in the Daily News

John Paul Getty is just plain folks
The UN charter is a cruel hoax
How do I know? I read it in the Daily News
J. Edgar Hoover is the man of the hour
All he needs is just a little more power
How do I know? I read it in the Daily News
Wow, I didn’t realize how current much of that rant still is.
The CDT has long been a news- free newspaper. We are treated to an ever decreasing sampling of world and national news or a single page. The topics chosen seem arbitrary. Most of the rest of the news section is devoted to Penn State Football and various versions of the story of a two-headed cow. Dear Abby, the horoscope and the bridge column routinely take an entire page in the News section.
It is the editorial page that has me most depressed. The CDT picks up editorials from around the state and nation. It is usually right wing drivel. We get Cal Thomas every couple of weeks—you know, that old, male, angry Christian guy whose claim to fame is that he thinks he resembles god. You would think the right wing editorials would at least make me angry, but they rarely do. Today’s by Jay Ambrose of the Times News service was typical. It’s just a bunch of assertions, without argument, that might have been written by the Republican National Committee—Obama is an autocrat, Clinton is a liar, Trump won’t be the Republican choice, and protests against police brutality have made us unsafe. It’s Fox News lite.
So, what to do? Can I learn how not to shuffle up to the front door each morning at seven—hugely uncaffeinated, to search for my copy of the CDT among the bushes of our neighbors house? Can I learn to eat breakfast Sudoku free? I don’t know. But I am thrilled that my local newspaper has finally given me something to think about.

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Stevieslaw: What’s that smell?

Posted on December 29, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: What’s that smell?
Heads are rolling in the Trump campaign, as the big guy has been busy pointing his famous firing finger at members of his staff and sending them packing. There is no doubt that the Trump group got caught this week with their pants down, when EIN news announced that a 2000 bottle, limited edition of “Leaders Number One” perfume, which is inspired by Russian leader Vladimir Putin was now available. With an aroma of blackcurrant and fir cones as well as hints of lemon, bergamot and blackcurrants, the new fragrance is “is soft but at the same time very firm,” says Vladislav Rekunov who concocted the fragrance. “At 85 dollars for a 100 ml bottle, orders are pouring in from all over the globe,” said Rekunov.
The Trump camp is hurriedly planning a “The Donald” scent to appear soon after the New Year. “Smartypants,” will be anchored by the aroma of well-worn fifty dollar bills over the herbal combination of rue, wormwood and horehound. “Women will love it even more than men will,” predicted Trump. “And I will need to buy some more buildings to have a place to store all the money that will come rolling in.”
Other Republican candidates are reportedly lining up to produce perfumes as quickly as possible, with Jeb Bush’s “uncertainty,” Ted Cruz’s “hateful,” and Rand Paul’s “alien,” set to market no later than early February. Ben Carson is hopeful that he will be able sell you small bottles of water, and tell you it is perfume and Chris Christie is looking at a pizza-like fragrance you would want to have a beer with.
A jubilant Hillary Clinton said, “Now we will be able to identify even normal looking extremist Republicans by what they stink of.” “Priceless,” she concluded.

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Stevieslaw Had 10,000th Hit

Posted on December 18, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw had its 10,000th visit today, since its inception in 1898.

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Stevieslaw: Best Buds Forever

Posted on December 18, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Best Buds Forever
The mutual admiration society that is Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump took a huge step forward today as the pair announced that they would venture into outer space together, searching for extraplanetary life as “smart and strong as we are.” The two plan to leverage The Donald’s money and The Vladimir’s space program for launch late in 2016. Trump said in the interview that he would not step away from the presidential race as, “I am talented and smart and successful enough to do both.”
In a closely related story, the United Nations announced that the day of the launch would be celebrated annually as an International Day of Rejoicing for all citizens of the planet.

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Stevieslaw: May I Steal That?

Posted on December 2, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw. May I Steal That?
As an aspiring writer and poet, I often seek to put words together, that through some mystical balance of sound and sight, transcend the sentence and come alive. It rarely happens. When a member of my poetry group succeeds, I always ask if I may steal it. They think I’m kidding.
So my hat is off to Associated Press writer, Mark Scolforo, for the pure poetry of the phrase he uses in his article on the Pennsylvania budget stalemate, which was picked up by the Centre Daily Times this morning. In describing the process, he writes “The Rotunda was thick with lobbyists…” Can you imagine any question about our government where that phrase would not be appropriate in starting an answer? How’s the budget process coming? Can the Congress and the White House agree on a sensible energy policy? You get the picture.
But the shear poetry of the phrase is breathtaking. Have you noticed the “t” sound that runs through it? Tap your tongue to make that hard, clicking sound two or three times and what you will find yourself trying not to say is “terror.” And then to end the phrase with “ists” is brilliant. Consciously or unconsciously Mr. Scolforo has manage to identify these lobbyists and the interests they represent as the domestic terrorists they are.
Here, at Stevieslaw, we are not naïve enough to assume that money from lobbyists to influence the government is a disease unique to our time. Of course not. But, the way big money seems to so thoroughly determine policy—from cradle to grave, may be.
So, why is it that the Pennsylvania House and Senate would rather see the entire state crumble than dare to raise taxes—even to the level used by all other gas producing states—on the Natural Gas Industry? Take it Mark.

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Stevieslaw: Outing Islamic Extremists

Posted on November 18, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Outing Islamic Extremists
The strong, sensitive statements by Republican hopefuls, Ted Cruz and Jeb Bush, in which they argue that only Christian refugees from Syria should be admitted to the U.S., has led to some soul searching among the members of The Texas State Board of Education. “We came face to face with the apparent contradiction that, according to our current American history textbooks, some Christians have done bad things to the nation”, said Lilly White, Texas school board spokesperson. “In response we have begun the arduous process of editing American History textbooks to reflect a new reality. We are working through our glorious history using the question—“would a Christian do this?” as a lens and when the answer is an obvious “no,” we are altering the textbook to reflect the fact that the villain involved is certainly a closet Islamic extremist. For example, Mrs. White continued, Benedict Arnold professed to be an Anglican—a Christian, yet he was the country’s first and foremost traitor. Clearly, Arnold was secretly an Islamic extremist. A similar argument can and has been made for Timothy McVeigh, who killed 183 and injured 600 in Oklahoma City. We long supposed that since McVeigh was born a Catholic, attended Mass and took last rites before his execution, that he was a Christian. But, that simply can’t be.”
“Ferreting out the secret Islamic terrorists and edited the textbooks to reflect the new story will be difficult.” admitted Lily. “For example, while nearly all slave owners offered their slaves a rewarding and enriching experience, there were some few that took advantage.” “Is it necessary to point out that there were a few Islamic extremist bad apples in the barrel?”
“In education, as goes Texas so goes the nation. And in Texas, we believe that while facts are wonderful things, it is more important to present a coherent picture of our nature as always doing right—as a shining beacon of light for the world. In this way, every little Jane and Jimmy can have a Merry Christmas. In Texas and in the nation, we can always change the facts. Just watch us.”

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Stevieslaw: Banning Contraception

Posted on November 7, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Banning Contraception
The popular word game, Words with Friends, declared today that the word “contraception” would no longer be allowed. The Committee for Concerned God-fearing Americans had challenged the fairness of the game, arguing that its members would either suffer a scoring disadvantage or be forced to use words that make them complicit in conduct that violates their faith. God-fearing said that they would be meeting in the very near future to discuss other words—abortion, gay, and atheist, for example, that clearly present their members with an ethical challenge.
Words with Friends spokesperson, Xenogamy (25), said “with the recent Hobby Lobby decision and the current case before the Supreme Court which argues that filling out a form places a substantial burden on religious practice under the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, we could see the writing on the wall. We wanted to avoid expensive (26) litigation (14). Interestingly, contraception—having 13 letters, has never been used in a game to our knowledge. It is, however, theoretically possible.”

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Stevieslaw: The Four Seasons of Cousin Myron

Posted on November 4, 2015 by stevieslaw

The Four Seasons of Cousin Myron

My cousin Myron, he of fiery hair and temper, will never forgive the NYC Board of Education, or for that matter, the teachers and staff of PS 165, in Brooklyn’s Brownsville. I witnessed his embarrassment, when in second grade he, Sheldon Whitman, and Helen—something or other that starts with a “p”, were taken out to the hall, on the day before our musical rendition of “This Little Piggy,” and told not to sing but to “mouth the words.” Later, in a private meeting with the principal, he was told that his hand over his heart was enough and that he should not even mouth the words of the Star Spangled Banner. Poor kid!
We all knew that Myron was tone-deaf and that his singing—loud and often, would encourage all the stray dogs in the neighborhood to attempt wolf imitations, but still, saddling a small, red-headed, sensitive child of seven with the message, “shut-up” seems, in retrospect, cruel. Perhaps, if his teacher had been kinder, Myron might not have thrown that inept waiter through the plate-glass window of Katz’s deli—twice. There is no way of knowing.
And, it isn’t as if Myron’s singing had not threatened to end our lives prematurely on more than one occasion. Do I need to mention the 1965 Newport Jazz Festival, when Myron decided it was fine to share acoustic space with Nina Simone—the perennial crowd favorite? Three of us took turns holding a hand over Myron’s mouth through the performance and three encores. My unfortunate friend, Yogi, needed six stitches to staunch the bleeding at the end of the night. He was never really able to throw right-handed again in the stick ball games on Bristol Street.
So why did my face light up with pleasure when I happened to spy Myron practically skipping down Pitkin Avenue singing “Rag Doll,” at the top of his lungs. No, his singing hadn’t improved but he seemed supremely happy—and in a way that I rarely see Myron or anyone else for that matter, happy. I crossed the street so Myron wouldn’t see me and be forced to slip back into the tough guy act he’s worn like a favorite shirt since second grade.
What’s the deal with the music of our youth? I was recently at a Paul McCartney concert and I doubt there was a single soul—over sixty, with a dry eye after he started “Blackbird singing in the dead of night.” And I understand that—it was a song tied tightly to the cultural events of our era, and some of those events were scarring. But, Myron had just been to see “Jersey Boys.” I know. I’ve seen it twice. Both Myron and I would have been vaguely embarrassed to have been caught tapping our feet to the songs of the Four Seasons when we were sixteen, seventeen and eighteen. For the most part, the lyrics were inane, the melodies ordinary and the falsetto a little scary. But tap we did. And now, after so many years, to have actors standing in for the Four Seasons and giving us the always cheesy “Walk like a Man,” makes me profoundly happy. Why? Sure, I love to hear Dylan sing, “hey, mister tambourine man…” Who doesn’t? But, I suspect I’d be nearly as cheered by Sonny and Cher crooning, “they say you’re young and you don’t know…? Sonny and Cher? What’s up with that?
In truth, I can’t explain it. Can you? I’d ask Myron—to whom “Rag Doll” is apparently still significant, but I might find myself outside of Katz’s, on Ludlow Street, picking glass shards from my hair.

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Stevieslaw: The Hour When the Ship Comes In

Posted on October 28, 2015 by stevieslaw

Inspiration

It blew in against the tide
with so little fanfare
that it startled the longshoremen
who had taken to rust in the salt air.
Smiles of self-congratulation
rivalled the blaze of the setting sun.
“To patience and perseverance,”
trumpeted a hanger-on
who had practiced neither.

Tonight, all along the shore
the scritch of pencil on paper.

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