Stevieslaw: Rubio tells all

Posted on February 8, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Rubio Tells All
An obviously distraught and tearful Marco Rubio unveiled to the entire world today a secret that he had carried with him since he was a pre-teenager. Rubio explained, in a breaking voice, how he had been abused by family members since he was 10 and woke one day to find he was pregnant at the age of 12.
“I had no one to turn to,” said Marco, “So I turned to my spiritual advisor, who advised I have the baby.” “I did,” he said, “and the baby was later adopted.”
“It was both the most difficult and the best decision I have ever made,” said Marco. “So when I insist that women bear babies even in the case of rape or incest, I can truly say—I feel your pain, I have been where you are now.”

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Stevieslaw: Cruz campaign warns of the curse of Egypt

Posted on February 6, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Cruz Campaign warns of the curse of Egypt
Moses Rebern, chief liaison officer between the Cruz campaign and the Evangelicals and one of his more centrist advisors, warned today that failure to anoint Ted Cruz president of the United States would bring the plagues of Egypt down on the heads of all Americans. Rebern told Smokey Diamond that he had heard directly from God on a hilltop just outside Waco, Texas. “God,” said Moses, “was wearing a very fine ten gallon hat, cowboy boots and had a Colt revolver in a quick draw holster strapped to his leg.”
Rebern told Smokey that the Zika virus was the one and only warning that the people of America would get.
Sadly, Smokey has begun to drink heavily again.

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Stevieslaw: The New Candidate

Posted on February 5, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: The New Candidate.
Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, got the news with her coffee and sardines this morning. The Association of Republican Super PACs had decided that their members must drastically change their direction. They wanted to talk.
Smokey sat down with D.K. Mony, SuperPac spokesperson. D.K. spoke candidly. He said that the positive reaction to Bernie Sanders call to get money out of politics as a top priority had bothered all of the members of the Association. “The question most asked,” he said—confiding in Smokey, “Is why people hate us?” “Sure a few of our members—probably under a dozen, have purchased the country,” he continued. “But that just guarantees stability—think of Germany in the mid-1930’s. “ “Democracy is a messy business which no one has the patience for any more.”
“We pondered that question for quite a while, until it suddenly struck us that the reason we are hated lies in our choice of people to represent us,” he said enthusiastically. “We will put more than a billion dollars into the presidential race and we’ve hired the cast of “chock-full-of nuts.” A sleepwalker, the wicked witch of the west, the pizza guy and several men that make everyone who sees or hears them instinctively go into a fetal position.”
“Why this cast,” he said, “when there are tens of thousands of unemployed actors and actresses out there.” “Their depth and knowledge,” he said with a laugh. “Their deep convictions?” “We have written the script,” he said with a smile. “Why hire a bunch of wingnut wannabees to read it?”
“Smokey,” said D.K. sincerely, “We want you to help publicize our casting call for Presidential candidates.” “We anticipate the need for a 60ish gentleman whose fine gray hair and bright eyes speak kindness and wisdom and a vivacious woman whose very manner promises friendship to each and every citizen.” “It would be best if the woman have some Latino blood—although I am sure that any good actress could fake it.”
“We need to get cracking on this,” said Mony, “As it won’t be too long before the Democratic SuperPacs catch on to this revolutionary idea.”

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Stevieslaw: Government agrees to Bundy’s major demand

Posted on January 29, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Government agrees to Bundy’s major demand.
It has become clear that Ammon Bundy and his group of super patriots, who have been occupying the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge, will succeed in getting one of their foremost demands granted by the Federal Government. In fact if the Feds have their way, the entire bunch will become entitled to free room and board at a federally owned and operated facility—duration to be determined by a judge and jury. Well done!
Here at Stevieslaw, we find ourselves no longer able to ignore the obvious connection between Ammon Bundy and the fictional lead in “Married with Children,” Al Bundy. Al, a harried and henpecked shoe salesman, finds that his every scheme makes his wretched life even more unbearable. Clearly, Ammon Bundy could step right in as the new lead. We believe that this entire inexplicable episode in faulty reasoning and bad judgement only makes sense as a sequel to “Married with Children.” Remember, when you tune in to the show (on ABC at 9PM) this fall that you read it first here. We can’t wait.

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Stevieslaw: Linguist Uncovers “roots” of G.O.P.

Posted on January 27, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Linguist Uncovers “roots” of G.O.P.
Most Americans recognize the abbreviation, G.O.P., as standing for Grand Old Party—The Republican Party, yet Mary Oliver, a linguistics professor at Yale University has been linking this type of abbreviation to ancient language patterns for nearly 20 years. Her latest finding, to be published next month in “Linguistica” is that G.O.P. was intended by the ancient Phoenicians to signify “barefoot and pregnant.” Dr. Oliver noted that the verb form preceding this phrase is not entirely clear but most likely had the sense or meaning of “keeping or maintaining them.”
Carl Mistgony, spokesperson for the G.O.P., took time out from work on his top legislative priority, that of defunding Planned Parenthood—a group that one in five American women will visit in her lifetime, to discuss Oliver’s study.
“This is just one more example of the liberal media trying to paint the Republican Party with the label—war on women,” he said, “And that simply isn’t so” “The Republicans are waging a war against the laws that permit women free and equal rights as citizens of the nation and, of course, against their rights to all sorts of health care, but that is not the same as a war on woman. Anyone who can not appreciate this distinction must be suffering from the sort of hysteria that, you know, women are prone to.”
In a related story, Republican presidential hopefuls, Marco Rubio and Jeb Bush, attributed the delay in defunding and punishing Planned Parenthood to the technicality—“that they have done nothing wrong.” Both candidates have promised to defund linguistic research “forever and a day” on the day they take office.

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Stevieslaw: Our Monday Political Briefing

Posted on January 25, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Our Monday Political Briefing
There was disturbing news out of the Senate this week, as our representatives were unable to override an Obama veto of their bill to stop an Environmental Protection Agency plot to protect the quality of headwaters and wetlands. All the Republican candidates for President were quick to remind us that under a Republican regime there would have been no veto. Ted Cruz spokesperson, Ted Cruz, said, “As President I will do everything in my power to keep the EPA out of the environment.”
Pat Toomey, U.S. Senator for Pennsylvania, who cast a vote for overriding the veto reminded us that, “The EPA is out of step with the times.” They create job-killing regulations that address problems that have long ago been solved. For example, when is the last time the news media reported an issue of water cleanliness in an American city or town?” Stevieslaw would like to remind our readers in Pennsylvania that Toomey is up for reelection this year.
On the House of Representative side, the aftermath of the snowstorm has forced our representatives to delay all voting until February. In an extensive, scientific poll of 6 Americans, Stevieslaw found that 5 felt relieved and much more hopeful for the future of the nation, while one was saddened and bereft over a lack of a vote to repeal Obamacare this week. The entire House is up for election this year.

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Stevieslaw: Fey Weighs In

Posted on January 20, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Fey Weighs In.
Actress and comedian, Tina Fey, told our intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, in a phone interview this morning that she was “profoundly grateful” that Sarah Palin had endorsed Donald Trump for President. Fey said, “I was particular intrigued by Palin’s promise to improve Trump’s foreign policy credentials by taking him to Alaska and showing him how to keep an eye on the Russians.”
Ms. Fey promised that a host of skits and satires would follow from the Palin pronouncement, provided she and her team of writers can ever stop laughing.

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Stevieslaw: Shared Values

Posted on January 18, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Shared Values-On top of old Smokey…

We all know the song. We all sang various parodies of it as children. But thanks to our Republican representatives in Congress, we may have to change the beginning to something like:
On top of old Smokey,
all covered in coal…
The GOP led House this week passed a bill that would block a new federal rule to prevent coal companies blasting mountaintops to get at the coal and then dumping the toxic debris into nearby streams and valleys. They then defeated a Democratic amendment to stop the blocking action if it could be shown that the practice increased the incidence of birth defects, or lung, heart or kidney disease. And, to complete the trifecta, they voted to kill a new EPA rule to protect headwaters and wetlands. Obama has promised a veto.
We got these little known facts from the “roll call” section of the Centre Daily Times. The column provides a snapshot of what your representatives are up to. It was a pretty typical week—even accounting for the fact that Republican Governor Rick Snyder of Michigan decided that poisoning children in Flint was okay if it saved money.
As I recall the argument, many Americans vote Republican because the candidates “share their values.” Maybe it’s time to make a list of all the values we share with them–a bucket list of shared values. So far this year we have:
1. Poisoning the poor (particularly children) and
2. Poisoning the environment.
But, trust me, these bozos are capable of more and better values for us to share, in the eleven and a half months remaining to 2016.

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Stevieslaw: Dr. StrangeBen

Posted on January 16, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw:
Because you feel a certain kinship with Ben Carson, who, like you is almost always “off his meds,” you will use your superpowers to ensure that he elevated to Supreme Leader, here on the planet Remulak.

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Stevieslaw: You should probably vote for Ted Cruz

Posted on January 15, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: You should probably vote for Ted Cruz if
old women always cross themselves rapidly as they mumble a prayer and then spit three times when they pass you in the street.

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