Stevieslaw: You know you should vote for Trump

Posted on January 14, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: You know you should vote for Trump
if you watched him on T.V. last night as he announced he would buy Liberty Island, return the Statue of Liberty to the “Frogs,” and build a hundred story high, luxury condominium on the Island, with Incredible amenities available to the 25 winners offered ownership by invitation only and while staring at your engraved invitation, your only thought is, “What an incredible view I’m going to have.”

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Stevieslaw: How to be a Billionaire

Posted on January 13, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: How to be a Billionaire
Here at Stevieslaw, we have been known to come down hard on the inanity, right-wingedness, and obliviousness of our local newspaper, The Centre Daily Times, but today I must admit their story on how to spend your Powerball winnings had everyone in the office affectionately chuckling. We are. Small Town! Lori Falce, writing for the CDT, suggested you might buy the area’s highest price house, the best car, the best bottle of wine and, of course, a 10-year lease on a luxury box at Beaver Stadium. What do you do with the remaining 996 mil, Lori?
By now, everyone else in America knows what a billion buys you. Today, in the CDT, they report that Senator Pat Toomey spent roughly 17 million on his successful 2010 election. By my calculations, your 1.5 billion winnings entitles you to ownership of one senator, four members of the House of Representatives, and any number of the State and Local officials you can stand to have in your presence. That’s all for chump change—remember you will be a member of the billionaires club. Forbes magazine listed entry into the club as the top way to reduce your tax burden to zero.
These public representatives will be at your constant beck and call—willing to repeat any nonsense you dream up at any hour of the day or night. Want to declare a hunting season for middle-eastern looking people in Central Park in April? You can have it deliberated on the floor of the senate that very day. What’s more, the news media will be anxious to pick the story up and discuss the pros and cons of the measure with all seriousness. And your own presence will be a timely addition to any of the million or so Sunday morning news shows. On Face the Nation, you can pontificate about how perseverance, good old-Americanhardworkedness, and wise choice led you to buy the winning ticket at the local convenience store, where you were stopping for gas anyway. Tell America that he main thing they must remember is, that unlike everyone else in the nation, you did not let a loss in last Wednesday’s drawing keep you from buying another ticket.
Remember, America. Winning a million or two is wonderful, but winning a billion is priceless.

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Stevieslaw: Choice and the Republican Right

Posted on January 6, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Choice and the Republican Right
It seems an article of faith among the rich and successful of the Republican Right that they are where they are because of the extensive string of wise choices they have made along the way. Here, at Stevieslaw, we call the ability to know, without fail, the consequence of your choice, “wishfulthinking,” and being liberals to the core would probably use the talent to do no more than pick the winner at the 4th race at Belmont. But it is more serious for serious conservatives. The goddess, Ayn Rand, would tell you if she lived that you have free will—you get to choose those problems you will think about from those you choose to let slide. Clearly, bad choices lead to poverty, lawlessness and acne and must be shunned.
Suitably enlightened, we decided to explore the sad story of bad choice. We sought to trace it to its beginning—to coin a phrase, to “first choice.” To do this, we interviewed ten infants, none over the age to three weeks, to find out why they had chosen to be born into poor and dysfunctional families. Clearly, these were terrible choices and we asked the infants—five boys and five girls, why? We were startled to find that not a single one of these infants could do more than coo or cry in response to our questions—no matter how gently or persistently we asked. Clearly, the compassionate conservatives were right. These infants, who had chosen to be born into families in crisis, were not reasoning at an adult level, acting in fact infantile. In short, since they were not capable of wise choice, they could never be helped. So much for the myth of help through social programs, such as early childhood education.
Good science might demand that we interview infants who choose to be born into privileged families, but of course the answer would be clear. Each of the infants would rationally explain, in perfect English, why he or she had chosen to be born into a family strong enough to feed, clothe and encourage. Many of the 3 week olds would already have a 401 K and extensive holdings in an off-shore account. Need you look farther than the wise choice of birth parents made by Donald Trump?
Are those who choose privilege more likely to succeed? Sure.

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Stevieslaw: Occupy Nowhere

Posted on January 5, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Occupy Nowhere
Federal officials reacted with pleasure over the decision by the group of ranchers to occupy the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge, a bleak uninviting stretch of wilderness 300 miles from Portland in the dead of winter. Said, S. M. Ilinginside, Spokesperson for James Comey—Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, “We have a couple of dozen armed wingnuts who have chosen to isolate themselves from the general population in a spot that is remote as all hell. They can spend all winter, if they wish, shooting and eating small furry things and telling each other stories about how brave they are. The FBI informants among them will keep us appraised of whatever insanity they are getting up to and we don’t have to arrest them and subsequently house, cloth and feed them. Once the media gets tired of slugging out to the middle of nowhere, we won’t even have to hear from them,” he said with a smile.
Although the government is not talking it up, we at Stevieslaw have learned that there are plans afoot to create more “Federal Refuge Areas” as destinations for militias and other crazies. The Yucca Mountain nuclear waste repository, for example, was renamed Obamacare Headquarters just today. Several dozen primitive cabins are available for occupation. Plans are in the works for several large facilities at former nuclear test sites in southeastern Nye County, Nevada, as well—“The Federal Gun Control Headquarters” will be located in that area.
“Transportation continues to be a problem,” admitted S.M, “as some of these areas are quite remote.” “However, we have embarked on a new initiative to allow these desperados free transportation to hell holes of their choice.” “I have no doubt we will end up calling the transport the lunatic express,” he said with a chuckle.

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Stevieslaw: How do I say goodbye to an old friend?

Posted on December 31, 2015 by stevieslaw

I am not a news junkie. I do not spend my time flipping through cable channels to relive again and again the endless litany of bad and worse. Yet, I start every morning with my local newspaper, The Centre Daily Times. It’s getting harder to do.
I do not recall ever being without a morning paper. I grew up in New York City, where you could start the morning with The Daily News, take The Times with you on the subway, and return home with a copy of The New York Post. One or the other was sure to get your blood pressure up, give you something to ponder, or perhaps something to laugh at. To this day, I remember the lesson we had in our English class in 7th grade at Meyer Levin Junior High on how to fold the New York Times so that you could read it while standing and swaying in a subway car. Yes, it was that important. And we even had our own newspaper song, curtesy of Tom Paxton:
DAILY NEWS
(Tom Paxton)
Civil rights leaders are a pain in the neck
Can’t hold a candle to Chang Kai Shek
How do I know? I read it in the Daily News
Ban the bombers are afraid of a fight
Peace hurts business and that ain’t right
How do I know? I read it in the Daily News
chorus: Daily News, daily blues
Pick up a copy any time you choose
Seven little pennies in the newsboy’s hand
And you ride right along to never, never land

We got to bomb Castro, got to bomb him flat
He’s too damn successful and we can’t risk that
How do I know? I read it in the Daily News
There’s millions of commies in the freedom fight
Yelling for Lenin and civil rights
How do I know? I read it in the Daily News

Seems like the whole damn world’s gone wrong
Saint Joe McCarthy is dead and gone
How do I know? I read it in the Daily News
Don’t try to make me change my mind with facts
To hell with the graduated income tax
How do I know? I read it in the Daily News

John Paul Getty is just plain folks
The UN charter is a cruel hoax
How do I know? I read it in the Daily News
J. Edgar Hoover is the man of the hour
All he needs is just a little more power
How do I know? I read it in the Daily News
Wow, I didn’t realize how current much of that rant still is.
The CDT has long been a news- free newspaper. We are treated to an ever decreasing sampling of world and national news or a single page. The topics chosen seem arbitrary. Most of the rest of the news section is devoted to Penn State Football and various versions of the story of a two-headed cow. Dear Abby, the horoscope and the bridge column routinely take an entire page in the News section.
It is the editorial page that has me most depressed. The CDT picks up editorials from around the state and nation. It is usually right wing drivel. We get Cal Thomas every couple of weeks—you know, that old, male, angry Christian guy whose claim to fame is that he thinks he resembles god. You would think the right wing editorials would at least make me angry, but they rarely do. Today’s by Jay Ambrose of the Times News service was typical. It’s just a bunch of assertions, without argument, that might have been written by the Republican National Committee—Obama is an autocrat, Clinton is a liar, Trump won’t be the Republican choice, and protests against police brutality have made us unsafe. It’s Fox News lite.
So, what to do? Can I learn how not to shuffle up to the front door each morning at seven—hugely uncaffeinated, to search for my copy of the CDT among the bushes of our neighbors house? Can I learn to eat breakfast Sudoku free? I don’t know. But I am thrilled that my local newspaper has finally given me something to think about.

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Stevieslaw: What’s that smell?

Posted on December 29, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: What’s that smell?
Heads are rolling in the Trump campaign, as the big guy has been busy pointing his famous firing finger at members of his staff and sending them packing. There is no doubt that the Trump group got caught this week with their pants down, when EIN news announced that a 2000 bottle, limited edition of “Leaders Number One” perfume, which is inspired by Russian leader Vladimir Putin was now available. With an aroma of blackcurrant and fir cones as well as hints of lemon, bergamot and blackcurrants, the new fragrance is “is soft but at the same time very firm,” says Vladislav Rekunov who concocted the fragrance. “At 85 dollars for a 100 ml bottle, orders are pouring in from all over the globe,” said Rekunov.
The Trump camp is hurriedly planning a “The Donald” scent to appear soon after the New Year. “Smartypants,” will be anchored by the aroma of well-worn fifty dollar bills over the herbal combination of rue, wormwood and horehound. “Women will love it even more than men will,” predicted Trump. “And I will need to buy some more buildings to have a place to store all the money that will come rolling in.”
Other Republican candidates are reportedly lining up to produce perfumes as quickly as possible, with Jeb Bush’s “uncertainty,” Ted Cruz’s “hateful,” and Rand Paul’s “alien,” set to market no later than early February. Ben Carson is hopeful that he will be able sell you small bottles of water, and tell you it is perfume and Chris Christie is looking at a pizza-like fragrance you would want to have a beer with.
A jubilant Hillary Clinton said, “Now we will be able to identify even normal looking extremist Republicans by what they stink of.” “Priceless,” she concluded.

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Stevieslaw Had 10,000th Hit

Posted on December 18, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw had its 10,000th visit today, since its inception in 1898.

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Stevieslaw: Best Buds Forever

Posted on December 18, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Best Buds Forever
The mutual admiration society that is Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump took a huge step forward today as the pair announced that they would venture into outer space together, searching for extraplanetary life as “smart and strong as we are.” The two plan to leverage The Donald’s money and The Vladimir’s space program for launch late in 2016. Trump said in the interview that he would not step away from the presidential race as, “I am talented and smart and successful enough to do both.”
In a closely related story, the United Nations announced that the day of the launch would be celebrated annually as an International Day of Rejoicing for all citizens of the planet.

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Stevieslaw: May I Steal That?

Posted on December 2, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw. May I Steal That?
As an aspiring writer and poet, I often seek to put words together, that through some mystical balance of sound and sight, transcend the sentence and come alive. It rarely happens. When a member of my poetry group succeeds, I always ask if I may steal it. They think I’m kidding.
So my hat is off to Associated Press writer, Mark Scolforo, for the pure poetry of the phrase he uses in his article on the Pennsylvania budget stalemate, which was picked up by the Centre Daily Times this morning. In describing the process, he writes “The Rotunda was thick with lobbyists…” Can you imagine any question about our government where that phrase would not be appropriate in starting an answer? How’s the budget process coming? Can the Congress and the White House agree on a sensible energy policy? You get the picture.
But the shear poetry of the phrase is breathtaking. Have you noticed the “t” sound that runs through it? Tap your tongue to make that hard, clicking sound two or three times and what you will find yourself trying not to say is “terror.” And then to end the phrase with “ists” is brilliant. Consciously or unconsciously Mr. Scolforo has manage to identify these lobbyists and the interests they represent as the domestic terrorists they are.
Here, at Stevieslaw, we are not naïve enough to assume that money from lobbyists to influence the government is a disease unique to our time. Of course not. But, the way big money seems to so thoroughly determine policy—from cradle to grave, may be.
So, why is it that the Pennsylvania House and Senate would rather see the entire state crumble than dare to raise taxes—even to the level used by all other gas producing states—on the Natural Gas Industry? Take it Mark.

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Stevieslaw: Outing Islamic Extremists

Posted on November 18, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Outing Islamic Extremists
The strong, sensitive statements by Republican hopefuls, Ted Cruz and Jeb Bush, in which they argue that only Christian refugees from Syria should be admitted to the U.S., has led to some soul searching among the members of The Texas State Board of Education. “We came face to face with the apparent contradiction that, according to our current American history textbooks, some Christians have done bad things to the nation”, said Lilly White, Texas school board spokesperson. “In response we have begun the arduous process of editing American History textbooks to reflect a new reality. We are working through our glorious history using the question—“would a Christian do this?” as a lens and when the answer is an obvious “no,” we are altering the textbook to reflect the fact that the villain involved is certainly a closet Islamic extremist. For example, Mrs. White continued, Benedict Arnold professed to be an Anglican—a Christian, yet he was the country’s first and foremost traitor. Clearly, Arnold was secretly an Islamic extremist. A similar argument can and has been made for Timothy McVeigh, who killed 183 and injured 600 in Oklahoma City. We long supposed that since McVeigh was born a Catholic, attended Mass and took last rites before his execution, that he was a Christian. But, that simply can’t be.”
“Ferreting out the secret Islamic terrorists and edited the textbooks to reflect the new story will be difficult.” admitted Lily. “For example, while nearly all slave owners offered their slaves a rewarding and enriching experience, there were some few that took advantage.” “Is it necessary to point out that there were a few Islamic extremist bad apples in the barrel?”
“In education, as goes Texas so goes the nation. And in Texas, we believe that while facts are wonderful things, it is more important to present a coherent picture of our nature as always doing right—as a shining beacon of light for the world. In this way, every little Jane and Jimmy can have a Merry Christmas. In Texas and in the nation, we can always change the facts. Just watch us.”

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