Stevieslaw: Obama Did It

Posted on August 24, 2015 by stevieslaw

American conservatives are seizing on the timing of the end to the Obama’s vacation on Martha’s Vineyard on Sunday and the crash of the stock market on Monday. “Clearly, said spokepeson David Tuoplusto, the markets anticipate that with Obama back in town, it won’t be long before he is illegally signing executive orders for more regulations that will destroy the highpayingjobs of hardworkingAmericans.” “Vacation is the only thing he does well,” continued Mr. Tuoplusto, “and though it is barely believable, our experience indicates that a President Hilary would be worse.”

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Stevieslaw: Republican Candidates Shocked by Study

Posted on August 21, 2015 by stevieslaw

We have just learned that a blue ribbon panel, appointed by the RNC to advise their Presidential candidates on science, has concluded that all immigrants, even those here illegally, are of the same species as the rest of us—that is Human. “It is reasonable to assume, for example, said Asit Is, chair of the committee that they, just like us, aspire to make things better for themselves and their families.”
Said RNC Publicist, Wy Me, “If only we had known. I suppose it makes some of the things we have been saying seem a bit heartless.”
Ted Cruz was hopping mad about the report. “I’m sorry we started the whole business,” he said. “What’s next, he continued, a ruling on the equality of women?”

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Stevieslaw: The Rednecks are coming. The Rednecks are coming.

Posted on August 19, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: The Rednecks are coming. The Rednecks are coming.
Our local newspaper, the CDT, in a largely successful effort to avoid reporting actual news, picked up a story today from Patrick Whittle of the AP that describes the migration of the lobster population from Southern New England to the cooler waters off the coast of Maine and Canada. The lobsters, apparently unable to understand or to follow the Republican dictum that there is no global warming, are selfishly moving North rather than allowing themselves to be slowly stewed in place. While there has been no public outcry because the price of lobster has remained the same, many Canadians are becoming alarmed.
Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, was fortunate enough to speak to Fiorina Donald, a very successful Canadian businesswomen with, many say, political aspirations.
Fiona was quick to summarize Canada’s concerns. “Over the next 50 years or so, the American South will become so hot that it will only be useful as a place to store nuclear waste. Americans will look to migrate to Canada to escape the weather. We understand that the first wave of American immigrants will be the usual bunch of rapists, violent criminals and the insane that you wish to get rid of. We can handle that. It is the second wave of Americans that is likely to overwhelm us. Typically, they will be gun-toting, bible thumping Texans who see a conspiracy hatching behind every rock. They will advance upon Canada in pickup trucks full to the brim with snotty kids and pregnant wives. And they will arrive with a firm belief in their moral superiority and will wonder why the native born Canadians have not been confined to some sort of Reservation. Have you heard the slogan, “The only good Canadian is a dead Canadian?”
You will.”
Ms. Donald was very clear that this wholesale destruction of Canada will not be allowed to happen. “I am proposing that we build a wall between us and the United States. If we are clever enough in citing American National Security, we can probably get the Yanks to foot the bill”.

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Stevieslaw: So Help Me…

Posted on August 13, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: So Help Me…
Our intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, learned today that a conference call among all the Republican candidates for President has led to an historic agreement. Donna R. Member, RNC spokesperson, explained.
“The candidates—including our front runner Donald Trump, all agreed to deny that George W. Bush was ever President of the United States. When faced with a question of leadership during the period 2000-2008, the candidates will resort to a blank stare and will change the subject to something more palatable like repealing Obamacare or defunding Planned Parenthood.”
“We will not lie to the people Smokey,” she continued, but much more important than the factual truth is the need for hardworkingamericans to be presented with a straightforward, linear narrative.” “They don’t have the time for an extensive study of history—or science for that matter.” “Our polling suggests that over time Americans will come to remember that Obama was driven to invade Iraq under pressure from Hilary Clinton and the Liberal wing of the party.” “He also precipitated the financial crisis, which Republicans have just managed to extract us from.” “Many Americans already believe these things to be true.”
“But how can you just deny his presidency,” stammered Smokey? “It’s like denying slavery ever existed in America.”
“Repeal Obamacare,” shouted Ms. Member, flashing a V for victory sign.

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Stevieslaw: A Slightly Different Version

Posted on August 12, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: A Slightly Different Version
A family member posted this recently. It’s been bothering me all week, as the version of the story I heard differs very slightly in some small details. I might as well give my take here. The early version is in italics.
I recently asked my friends’ little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, ‘If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?’ She replied, ‘I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.’
Her parents beamed with pride.
“Wow…what a worthy goal.’ I told her, ‘But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ‘ Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? ‘
I said, ‘Welcome to the Republican Party.’
Her parents still aren’t speaking to me.
In the version I heard, the guy who needed work done around his house was the only Republican. Call him Joe. The man he found to do the job was not homeless. He was a machinist who lost his job when his union was broken and was hired back at half his former wage. Call him Bill.
Joe was able to get Bill to do the work for $25, although he had always paid $50 in the past, since Bill was down on his luck and needed the work to help support his wife and daughter (the little girl of the earlier version). Since Joe was a compassionate conservative, he only charged Bill a little fee for the use of his equipment—shovel, broom, and shears for $10 for 4 hours. When Joe’s powerful friends found out he had hired someone to do the work around the house, they declared him a “job creator,” and were able to get him a tax break on the $50 value of the job. Joe was able to pocket another $25.
While Bill doesn’t qualify for Medicaid in Joe’s red state, he has applied for food stamps. In fact, some of Joe’s friends are not speaking to him, as they must kick in money for those food stamps. Some have become Democrats.

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Stevieslaw: Trumped. Policy Statements from out Future President (1)

Posted on August 5, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Trumped! Policy Statements from our Future President (1)
The Donald spokesperson, Ima N.T. Fired, said today that front-runner Trump has revised his immigration policy. “The Donald is quick on his feet,” noted Mr. Fired, and is willing to modify his program to conform to new information or to a new reality. In this case, he has come to realize that he will be unable to make Mexico—or as he calls it, that deadbeat nation, pay for the comprehensive fence he will build on the roughly 2000 mile U.S.- Mexican border. Instead, Mr. Trump will lease or purchase a strip of currently worthless property along the entire border, through his incredibly successful casino corporation.”
“The Donald will erect luxury housing and shops, casinos and tourist destinations all along the border. The side of the “wall” facing the U.S. will be luxury, luxury, luxury, as guaranteed by the famous Trump touch.”
“Imagine taking a high speed elevator up to roof level at the 37th floor, where you will have access to pool and cabana, fine dining, gambling and entertainment. Drink in hand, you turn to the South and drink in the abysmal poverty of our neighboring nation—the view alone worth the price of admission.”
N.T. conceded that cost considerations will ensure that the wall facing Mexico will be simple concrete and block, although The Donald has not ruled out selling the Mexicans some advertising space.”

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Stevieslaw: NRA proposes bold new plan.

Posted on July 24, 2015 by stevieslaw

The recent shooting in a Louisiana movie theatre, when coupled with the trial of the Colorado movie theatre shooter, has many thoughtful people shaking their heads and murmuring, “what can we do, what can we do?” Fortunately, that is not true of the forceful and innovative people at the National Rifle Association, who have come up with a plan almost before the bodies of the latest shooting victims have cooled.
NRA spokesperson, Got Y. Acovred, said that creative members had put together the concept of disposable 3-d glasses, often served up for a specific show and then recycled, with the miracle of 3-d printing and come up with an idea of arming every movie viewer with a “to be recycled firearm,” at the start of each show. “It will be easier than pausing to buy popcorn on your way in,” said Goty, “As everyone will get one.”
Mr. Acovred went on to dismiss the problem of people not recycling their weapons as they leave the theatre. “With 3-d printing, we envision the cost of these weapons to be very small and their corresponding accuracy to be poor.” In any event, theatre owners can factor shrinkage into the price of the movie.” “If some weapons find their way into the hands of red-blooded American movie buffs, that’s all the better.”
“Any potential shooter will understand that, at the first sign of trouble, one or two or a dozen or two dozen armed citizens will empty their weapons in his or her general direction,” noted Goty. “Wise mass murderers will be forced out of the theatre and will have to travel elsewhere. Perhaps to the mall,” He concluded.

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Stevieslaw: Big News form Drip

Posted on July 21, 2015 by stevieslaw

When it comes to poverty in America, the Republican candidates for President are evenly divided between the theorists—led by the brainy Rick Perry, and the realists—best and loudly represented by Donald Trump. The realists approach to the poor is simply expressed by the statement, “who gives a shit,” so that further discussion is unnecessary. The theorists, on the other hand, are still firmly committed to the “trickle down” approach and believe that abolishing regulations on occasionally offending banks and multinational corporations will accelerate the process of more for everyone. Certainly, the Republican Governors and members of Congress have been trying to do just that.
Now, it appears that the theorists have big data on their side. The American Society of Trickle Down Economics or DRIP as it is affectionately known reports that the recovery from the Great Recession—certainly a trickle down process for most—has finally begun to enrich the “minor millionaires” (loosely defined as anyone with more than 5 but less than 10 million in assets). Their latest projection strongly suggest that the enrichment of the upper middle class will begin sometime in the year 3400, fully a year earlier than originally projected. DRIP will update all of us on the progress of “trickle down” every 100 years, if it is not too expensive—so stay tuned.
In a related story, a new report on child welfare has more children living in poverty now (22%) than before the recession in 2008(18%). That’s about 3 million kids.

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Stevieslaw: Our Tragic Loss of Faith

Posted on July 17, 2015 by stevieslaw

Our local paper, the CDT, picked up a story today by AP writers, Joan Lowy and Tom Krisher, that the Republicans are packing the “must pass” transportation bill with “industry-sought provisions that would block, delay, or roll back safety rules.” This would preserve the high rate of accidents for trains handling crude oil, promote more frequent Amtrak derailments and permit the auto and trucking industries to ensure that our highways are even less safe. Who could possibly be opposed to that! It is almost as if representatives of our major industries actually occupied Senate and House seats—but, of course our democracy doesn’t work that way.
What’s new about that? Well perhaps nothing. But it strikes me that we are more and more electing representatives who do not even try to hide which side they are on. Sure, they substitute “jobs” for “obscene profits,” in their press releases and then go on to support corporate welfare for Walmart and the like, but is there anyone out there who cannot figure out that “no tax increases ever” will equate to shitty schools and impassable roads and bridges or that fighting for coal over climate will, sooner than later, bring the wrath of the heavens down on our heads.
The truth is that in rolling back safety rules or ensuring that multinational corporations have every advantage, we sadly show an incredible lack of faith. I am ashamed of us. Do we really believe that Exxon-Mobil—to pick a single example, will have any trouble finding a way to make unbelievably large amounts of money from say, green energy? Have faith! They will be as right as rain.
The poet, Ogden Nash, once wrote that it was “always when for Professional men.” We might well substitute “it is always when for multinational corporations,” but sadly, it doesn’t scan.

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Stevieslaw: Republicans to Learn Farsi

Posted on July 15, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Republicans to Learn Farsi
House Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, vowed today that Senate Republicans will find more vigorous reasons to disapprove the Iran Treaty than the simple, “that black guy in the White House made it happen,” although McConnell added, “that is certainly enough of a reason.” All of the dozen or so Republican candidates for President have come out against the treaty, though none more so than Donald Trump. The Donald has suggested that the treaty must be read and understood in Farsi—that is, in their version, to truly understand how we are being schnoozled. “Clearly,” said Trump, ‘I am the only candidate capable of quickly learning and understanding Farsi at the level necessary to unravel the details of the treaty. There are significant advantages to being the smart one,” he concluded.
Indeed, Republicans in the Senate have picked up on the Trump challenge, with Senator Bob Corker, Republican from Tennessee and chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee stating unequivocally that all Republican Senators will have a working knowledge of Farsi by next week. “We are going to disapprove of this treaty the right way,” he announced.
Smokey Diamond’s calls to local and chain bookstores in the Metropolitan Washington area report that the book, “Farsi for Dummies,” has flown off the shelves and has been reordered.

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