Stevieslaw: Long May it Wave?

Posted on June 22, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Long may it wave?
E. Waugh, spokesperson for German Chancellor Angela Merkel, announced today that the Nazi flag would once again fly over the Reichstag Building in Berlin. Evelyn said, “While we all know that the Nazi regime was responsible for starting a horrific world war, murdering 6 million Jews and other undesirables, and oppressing tens of millions more, the Nazi emblem is part of our heritage. It will serve as a constant reminder of that bygone era—that I might add, produced some of the best Martial music ever, and liberals and other wusses will just have to get used to it.”

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Stevieslaw: Tea Ceremony

Posted on June 21, 2015 by stevieslaw

Tea Ceremony

Sunday morning breakfast
was as close as we
could come to sacred
ritual in our house.
Mom slept in
and dad would
orchestrate in
his best robe–
the eggs here
the butter there,
and the coffee pot
to the right of syrup.
He cooked the cakes
and bacon
in the cast iron pan
grandfather once used
to crack heads
at the bar and grill
on Ludlow Street.
Dad always claimed
the spatter of
the bacon grease
made much
the same sound.

We ate
until our ribs ached.
Until we could
barely breathe.
Until the very thought
of rising from our chairs
was far beyond
our quiet contemplation.

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Stevieslaw: Lost in Texas

Posted on June 20, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Lost in Texas
Rick Perry suspended his Presidential campaign today, so that his entire staff can search for his “smart” glasses. Perry blamed his statement that the shooting of nine black people in South Carolina, “was an accident,” on the loss of his glasses. “While wearing them,” he said, “I have an IQ of nearly 90.” “Without them,” he continued, “my IQ is nearer 90.”
The Wise Eyes in Dallas, Texas is working furiously to make Perry another pair. Spokesperson, Ican SeaClrly, said, “This is much more difficult than just restoring vision—he needs a prescription for understanding. That’s rare.”
Most observers polled, however, feel that Perry’s “accident” statement was much, much better than the response of the other Republican candidates.

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Stevieslaw: The Little “White” Pill

Posted on June 19, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: The Little “White” Pill
The FDA seems poised to approve an over-the-counter drug that will allow black people to appear in public as white. FDA spokesperson, Tchek Twice, said “it’s a consequence of continuing research into stealth aircraft—essentially adding a chemical twist to the work.” “The pill, which has no known side effects, will last for approximately twelve hours and should allow black people to travel, work and shop without fear of being rousted, imprisoned, bludgeoned or shot.”
Conservative spokesmen, led by Fox News, have declared the pill “immoral and unnecessary.” Bill O’Reilly, speaking on his Fox News show, said the pill “sends the wrong message, as racism has almost completely disappeared from America and among Americans.” Congressional Republicans have vowed to defund the FDA and to pass legislation to ban the pill. They have already added amendments to do just that to the 48 “kill Obamacare” bills currently working their way through the House.
In related news, former slave states declared a day of mourning and will fly their confederate flags at half-staff, while The Klan and many other openly racist groups announced that they will not be accepting new members for the foreseeable future. Women’s rights groups say that a second pill, which will allow them to appear as “higher earning males” in the workplace has already passed Phase 3, NIH trials and is also very close to FDA approval.

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Stevieslaw: Headlines you may have missed: Jeb will sign Magna Carta

Posted on June 16, 2015 by stevieslaw

Duke designate and Jeb spokesperson for life, O.F Earl, said today “The Jeb campaign is not about family or dynasty, but about what He can do for our troubled nation. There will be nothing medieval about the reign of Jeb I, said Earl; In fact, we can look forward to a compassionate, though conservative, Regent. Jeb has already indicated his willingness to sign a Magna Carta immediately after the coronation, assuring that he and his heirs will be bound by the law of the land.”
“We should note,” He concluded, “That this is more than you are likely to get from that lawless Clinton Clan.”

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Stevieslaw: God Breaks 2 Thousand Years of Silence

Posted on June 14, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: God Breaks Two Thousand Years of Silence
God spoke to the entire planet today at 4:30 AM Eastern Time. The world was bathed in a warm blue light as the Creator of the Universe spoke: Everyone was instantly awake and aware. The brief message was delivered in a voice not easily identifiable as male or female, but had a strong South Brooklyn accent. In the speech God said, “You made a mess of the planet. You need to clean it up now,” and also noted that “you could also be a little nicer to each other, ya know.”
Sean Hannity, in a rebuttal for Fox News, said that “While the speech was apparently genuine, following the sentiment of the message would kill good American jobs and make life more difficult for hard working Americans. All of the 73 Republican candidates for President went on the record as “never being Christian.” “For proof,” said Mike Huckabee, “People should look at my record, not at my rhetoric.” Rick Santorum, echoing his earlier remarks said, “God should leave science to the scientists.” Soon after, he was apparently stuck dumb—although people close to him say that it’s very hard to see any difference.
God’s Press Secretary, Ralph Angel, said “God has no plans to address the planet again, anytime soon.”

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Stevieslaw: Arms Makers Cautiously Optimistic

Posted on June 5, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Arms Makers Cautiously Optimistic
“It’s hard not to be nostalgic about the cold war and the doctrine of mutual assured destruction (mad),” said Ti T. Fortat, a Wall Street analyst who specializes in evaluating armament manufacturers. “Defense drove the economy for the 45 years the cold war lasted and the bullets and missiles people made gads of money.”
Dr. Fortat believes that a resumption of the cold war is just a few small miscalculations away and he and the armaments industry are pumped. “Putin and Russia are excluded from the G-7 summit, the constant, simmering conflict in the Ukraine continues and now the Russians are testing mid-range cruise missiles in violation of the intermediate range nuclear force treaty.” “At this point, the US government must respond in Europe, but we still have options—a measured response is certainly possible.”
“Fortunately, our government rarely works that way,” he continued. “With luck, we will introduce cruise missiles, capable of taking out more than just the offending missiles and frighten the Russians. And then it’s off to the races—a new cold war, a nuclear arms race, and perhaps some regional conflicts.” “For our military-industrial complex, it will be raining money, just as it did in those happy cold war days.”

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Stevieslaw: Pinpoint accuracy

Posted on June 4, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Pinpoint Accuracy
The announcement by Deputy Secretary of State Tony Blinken that American led airstrikes against ISIS has killed more than 10,000 fighters in 9 months is alarming. In spite of losing about a third of their crazies, ISIS has been able to easily expand its position in both Syria and Iraq. In fact, the Pentagon now estimates that ISIS can conquer most of the Middle East with fourteen men and a pick-up truck. That and the estimated “Collateral Damage” ratio of 150 to 1—while the best since Vietnam, makes it unlikely that we will win the hearts and minds of the populace.
Fortunately, the brain trust at the Pentagon is hard at work. They are making the connections that will enable us to win this war. In May of this year, a clever employee realized that they had inadvertently sent live anthrax spores in liquid form to 48 labs in the U.S. and 3 abroad. Although not one person has been sickened, the entire population of Illinois is now taking the antibiotic, Cipro, as a preventive measure. The error was eventually traced to a Pentagon computer that had decided to send Anthrax to everyone on its Christmas card list.
After a solid week of frowning at one another, the Pentagon brain trust realized that this was the absolutely wrong list. We have learned that the Pentagon will begin sending small bottles of Anthrax spores to ISIS leaders. The bottles will be festively packaged and labeled, “drink me.” With forethought, the label captions will be in Arabic.
Another problem solved.

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Stevieslaw: Arming Alzheimer Patients

Posted on June 3, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Arming Alzheimer Patients
Now that the Texas Legislature has agreed to allow guns on College campuses and in College classrooms, giving new meaning to the phrase—I deserve a higher grade, they are turning their attention to another segment of the population that has been deprived of their second amendment rights.
Spokesperson, Q.T. Finger, noted that “In Texas, even homicidal maniacs can get guns easily, yet we discriminate against a mostly peaceful group of confined nursing home residents.” “Alzheimer and dementia patients in Texas nursing homes often feel they are threatened by people not known to them, yet they have no simple way to protect themselves and their possessions.” “We, in the legislature, feel strongly that these patients should be allowed to purchase and use weapons of their choice.” “It’s the Texas thing to do,” he concluded.
In a related story, Smokey Diamond reports that a bill to allow prisoners in Texas jails to carry concealed weapons is facing some opposition and may not reach the governor’s desk until after the November election. Smokey has been told, by an anonymous source, that the holdup is that the bill not only addresses a rights issue, but is also an attempt to reduce overcrowding in the Texas lockups—a measure that many private prison corporations oppose.

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Stevieslaw: Pentagon to Cut Costs Again

Posted on May 25, 2015 by stevieslaw

Although Defense Secretary, Ash Carter, was forced to admit that the Iraqi army had “no will to fight” and fled Ramadi even though they grossly outnumbered their enemy, he noted that a careful assessment of the last few battles had led to an amazing cost cutting decision. “We will save the hard-working American taxpayer tons of money,” he said with a smile. “Every time there is a fight and our allies run away, they leave some very expensive and deadly equipment behind for the enemy to use. In Ramadi, they even left behind some tanks.” “We had to go back in and blow all the equipment up.” “This seems wasteful,” he continued, “and we considered several options–the simplest being that we would deliver the armaments directly to ISIS and skip the middleman.” “Congress,it seems, was opposed to this.” “Another plan had us building the equipment, driving it out to a desert site and blowing it up at our leisure.” “Wasteful again, we were told.” “Finally, we decided to pay the armaments manufacturers to not build the equipment–think of paying farmers to not grow alfalfa.” “The armaments people love it, as they can reduce staff substantially and make higher profits.” “Congress loves it as well, as rich manufacturers will be getting richer.” “And the American people should love it also,” he concluded. “Even with paying the transport companies not to ship it, we will end up saving loads of money by not having to deliver, lose and bomb it.” “In addition the Iraqi army will be able to run like hell at the first sign of trouble, without the embarassment of leaving all these American weapons behind” “It’s truly a win-win and American ingenuity at its best.

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