Stevieslaw: So Help Me…

Posted on August 13, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: So Help Me…
Our intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, learned today that a conference call among all the Republican candidates for President has led to an historic agreement. Donna R. Member, RNC spokesperson, explained.
“The candidates—including our front runner Donald Trump, all agreed to deny that George W. Bush was ever President of the United States. When faced with a question of leadership during the period 2000-2008, the candidates will resort to a blank stare and will change the subject to something more palatable like repealing Obamacare or defunding Planned Parenthood.”
“We will not lie to the people Smokey,” she continued, but much more important than the factual truth is the need for hardworkingamericans to be presented with a straightforward, linear narrative.” “They don’t have the time for an extensive study of history—or science for that matter.” “Our polling suggests that over time Americans will come to remember that Obama was driven to invade Iraq under pressure from Hilary Clinton and the Liberal wing of the party.” “He also precipitated the financial crisis, which Republicans have just managed to extract us from.” “Many Americans already believe these things to be true.”
“But how can you just deny his presidency,” stammered Smokey? “It’s like denying slavery ever existed in America.”
“Repeal Obamacare,” shouted Ms. Member, flashing a V for victory sign.

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Stevieslaw: A Slightly Different Version

Posted on August 12, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: A Slightly Different Version
A family member posted this recently. It’s been bothering me all week, as the version of the story I heard differs very slightly in some small details. I might as well give my take here. The early version is in italics.
I recently asked my friends’ little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, ‘If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?’ She replied, ‘I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.’
Her parents beamed with pride.
“Wow…what a worthy goal.’ I told her, ‘But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ‘ Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? ‘
I said, ‘Welcome to the Republican Party.’
Her parents still aren’t speaking to me.
In the version I heard, the guy who needed work done around his house was the only Republican. Call him Joe. The man he found to do the job was not homeless. He was a machinist who lost his job when his union was broken and was hired back at half his former wage. Call him Bill.
Joe was able to get Bill to do the work for $25, although he had always paid $50 in the past, since Bill was down on his luck and needed the work to help support his wife and daughter (the little girl of the earlier version). Since Joe was a compassionate conservative, he only charged Bill a little fee for the use of his equipment—shovel, broom, and shears for $10 for 4 hours. When Joe’s powerful friends found out he had hired someone to do the work around the house, they declared him a “job creator,” and were able to get him a tax break on the $50 value of the job. Joe was able to pocket another $25.
While Bill doesn’t qualify for Medicaid in Joe’s red state, he has applied for food stamps. In fact, some of Joe’s friends are not speaking to him, as they must kick in money for those food stamps. Some have become Democrats.

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Stevieslaw: Trumped. Policy Statements from out Future President (1)

Posted on August 5, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Trumped! Policy Statements from our Future President (1)
The Donald spokesperson, Ima N.T. Fired, said today that front-runner Trump has revised his immigration policy. “The Donald is quick on his feet,” noted Mr. Fired, and is willing to modify his program to conform to new information or to a new reality. In this case, he has come to realize that he will be unable to make Mexico—or as he calls it, that deadbeat nation, pay for the comprehensive fence he will build on the roughly 2000 mile U.S.- Mexican border. Instead, Mr. Trump will lease or purchase a strip of currently worthless property along the entire border, through his incredibly successful casino corporation.”
“The Donald will erect luxury housing and shops, casinos and tourist destinations all along the border. The side of the “wall” facing the U.S. will be luxury, luxury, luxury, as guaranteed by the famous Trump touch.”
“Imagine taking a high speed elevator up to roof level at the 37th floor, where you will have access to pool and cabana, fine dining, gambling and entertainment. Drink in hand, you turn to the South and drink in the abysmal poverty of our neighboring nation—the view alone worth the price of admission.”
N.T. conceded that cost considerations will ensure that the wall facing Mexico will be simple concrete and block, although The Donald has not ruled out selling the Mexicans some advertising space.”

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Stevieslaw: NRA proposes bold new plan.

Posted on July 24, 2015 by stevieslaw

The recent shooting in a Louisiana movie theatre, when coupled with the trial of the Colorado movie theatre shooter, has many thoughtful people shaking their heads and murmuring, “what can we do, what can we do?” Fortunately, that is not true of the forceful and innovative people at the National Rifle Association, who have come up with a plan almost before the bodies of the latest shooting victims have cooled.
NRA spokesperson, Got Y. Acovred, said that creative members had put together the concept of disposable 3-d glasses, often served up for a specific show and then recycled, with the miracle of 3-d printing and come up with an idea of arming every movie viewer with a “to be recycled firearm,” at the start of each show. “It will be easier than pausing to buy popcorn on your way in,” said Goty, “As everyone will get one.”
Mr. Acovred went on to dismiss the problem of people not recycling their weapons as they leave the theatre. “With 3-d printing, we envision the cost of these weapons to be very small and their corresponding accuracy to be poor.” In any event, theatre owners can factor shrinkage into the price of the movie.” “If some weapons find their way into the hands of red-blooded American movie buffs, that’s all the better.”
“Any potential shooter will understand that, at the first sign of trouble, one or two or a dozen or two dozen armed citizens will empty their weapons in his or her general direction,” noted Goty. “Wise mass murderers will be forced out of the theatre and will have to travel elsewhere. Perhaps to the mall,” He concluded.

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Stevieslaw: Big News form Drip

Posted on July 21, 2015 by stevieslaw

When it comes to poverty in America, the Republican candidates for President are evenly divided between the theorists—led by the brainy Rick Perry, and the realists—best and loudly represented by Donald Trump. The realists approach to the poor is simply expressed by the statement, “who gives a shit,” so that further discussion is unnecessary. The theorists, on the other hand, are still firmly committed to the “trickle down” approach and believe that abolishing regulations on occasionally offending banks and multinational corporations will accelerate the process of more for everyone. Certainly, the Republican Governors and members of Congress have been trying to do just that.
Now, it appears that the theorists have big data on their side. The American Society of Trickle Down Economics or DRIP as it is affectionately known reports that the recovery from the Great Recession—certainly a trickle down process for most—has finally begun to enrich the “minor millionaires” (loosely defined as anyone with more than 5 but less than 10 million in assets). Their latest projection strongly suggest that the enrichment of the upper middle class will begin sometime in the year 3400, fully a year earlier than originally projected. DRIP will update all of us on the progress of “trickle down” every 100 years, if it is not too expensive—so stay tuned.
In a related story, a new report on child welfare has more children living in poverty now (22%) than before the recession in 2008(18%). That’s about 3 million kids.

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Stevieslaw: Our Tragic Loss of Faith

Posted on July 17, 2015 by stevieslaw

Our local paper, the CDT, picked up a story today by AP writers, Joan Lowy and Tom Krisher, that the Republicans are packing the “must pass” transportation bill with “industry-sought provisions that would block, delay, or roll back safety rules.” This would preserve the high rate of accidents for trains handling crude oil, promote more frequent Amtrak derailments and permit the auto and trucking industries to ensure that our highways are even less safe. Who could possibly be opposed to that! It is almost as if representatives of our major industries actually occupied Senate and House seats—but, of course our democracy doesn’t work that way.
What’s new about that? Well perhaps nothing. But it strikes me that we are more and more electing representatives who do not even try to hide which side they are on. Sure, they substitute “jobs” for “obscene profits,” in their press releases and then go on to support corporate welfare for Walmart and the like, but is there anyone out there who cannot figure out that “no tax increases ever” will equate to shitty schools and impassable roads and bridges or that fighting for coal over climate will, sooner than later, bring the wrath of the heavens down on our heads.
The truth is that in rolling back safety rules or ensuring that multinational corporations have every advantage, we sadly show an incredible lack of faith. I am ashamed of us. Do we really believe that Exxon-Mobil—to pick a single example, will have any trouble finding a way to make unbelievably large amounts of money from say, green energy? Have faith! They will be as right as rain.
The poet, Ogden Nash, once wrote that it was “always when for Professional men.” We might well substitute “it is always when for multinational corporations,” but sadly, it doesn’t scan.

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Stevieslaw: Republicans to Learn Farsi

Posted on July 15, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Republicans to Learn Farsi
House Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, vowed today that Senate Republicans will find more vigorous reasons to disapprove the Iran Treaty than the simple, “that black guy in the White House made it happen,” although McConnell added, “that is certainly enough of a reason.” All of the dozen or so Republican candidates for President have come out against the treaty, though none more so than Donald Trump. The Donald has suggested that the treaty must be read and understood in Farsi—that is, in their version, to truly understand how we are being schnoozled. “Clearly,” said Trump, ‘I am the only candidate capable of quickly learning and understanding Farsi at the level necessary to unravel the details of the treaty. There are significant advantages to being the smart one,” he concluded.
Indeed, Republicans in the Senate have picked up on the Trump challenge, with Senator Bob Corker, Republican from Tennessee and chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee stating unequivocally that all Republican Senators will have a working knowledge of Farsi by next week. “We are going to disapprove of this treaty the right way,” he announced.
Smokey Diamond’s calls to local and chain bookstores in the Metropolitan Washington area report that the book, “Farsi for Dummies,” has flown off the shelves and has been reordered.

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Stevieslaw: Whose Garden Was This?

Posted on July 3, 2015 by stevieslaw

No. None of my best friends are polar bears. I have never seen one in the wild and it seems unlikely that I ever will. So I was surprised this morning by my reaction—a profound sadness, to a U.S. Government Report that said polar bears would become extinct, unless humans reverse the trend of global warming.
The article seemed to hold out some hope that there would be some global action against global warming, but we know, deep down, that it’s curtains for many species—polar bears among them.
Here’s a song you might teach to your children, so they might teach it to theirs. It’s likely to have a deeper meaning for each successive generation. Tom Paxton wrote and performed it. It’s called “Whose Garden was This?” and it goes like this:
Whose garden was this?
It must have been lovely.
Did it have flowers?
I’ve seen pictures of flowers,
And I’d love to have smelled one.
Whose river was this?
You say it ran freely?
Blue was its color?
I’ve seen blue in some pictures,
And I’d love to have been there.
[Cho:]
Ah, tell me again I need to know:
The forest had trees, the meadows were green,
The oceans were blue and birds really flew,
Can you swear that was true?

Whose grey sky was this?
Or was it a blue one?
Nights there were breezes?
I’ve heard records of breezes,
And you tell me you’ve felt one?
Whose forest was this?
And why is it empty?
You say there were bird songs?
And squirrels in the branches,
And why is it silent?
[Cho:]
Whose garden was this?
It must have been lovely.
Did it have flowers?
I’ve seen pictures of flowers,
And I’d love to have smelled one.

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Stevieslaw: Cousin Myron Blows a Gasket

Posted on July 2, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Cousin Myron Blows a Gasket
When the phone rang at 11:30 this morning, I knew as I went to retrieve it that the call was from my Cousin Myron. He has been laying low since taking himself out of the Presidential race a few months ago. Myron, for those of you who have not met him, is my temperamental red-headed cousin—a high school dropout and math whiz, who made millions with a progressive betting scheme at the racetrack and then quadrupled it at a series of poker games in Lake Tahoe, against people who should have known better. By temperamental, I mean insane.
Myron greeted me with a keening wail, so pathetic, it sucked the air out of my lungs. All hope departed and the hair on my arms stood on end. I knew that wail well, although the last time I had heard it was at the movie theater on Saratoga and Livonia during the shower scene in Psycho. Myron and I were both twelve at the time.
“Are the kids okay,” I asked in a panic?
Myron wailed on- “My car, my car, my car.”
“Damn,” I thought, “not the car.”
Myron is well aware of his limitations, which are usually physical. One is his driving. It took Myron eleven tries to pass his driving test—three of the officers administering it took early retirement rather than sit in a car with him once more. Since overcoming his poor driving was out of the question, Myron adopted a self-preserving stance and bought himself a 1954 Packard Super-eight. He had it painted fire-red, so that people could see it coming. He drove it very sparingly and called it, with great affection his “red tank,” as it weighed about a million pounds and got three to four miles per gallon. Myron was also able to use his talent as an automotive mechanic—one of the few courses he managed to pass in his ill-fated career at Thomas Jefferson High School in Brooklyn, to keep the beast in tip top condition.
After he had calmed down a bit, I was able to get the whole story. Myron was in New Jersey. His wife, Marsha—the name should be hissed, had bought a hutch at the Ikea in Elizabeth, so that she could display her “objects d’art,” as she referred to her knickknacks and had sent Myron to retrieve it.
“I thought I had it knocked,” said my sad cousin. “I had made it across the river and on to the turnpike, but getting off I accidentally steered the car into a pothole the size of Chris Christie.” “I broke the front axle and moved the engine off its mounts.”
“Thanks to the tank,” he said, warming, “I’m good as new.”
“And I will rebuild it,” he continued with conviction.”
“Now hurry up and come get me,” he said and hung up.
I got a bit of a lecture as I chauffeured Cousin Myron back to Brooklyn, with the hutch in a box in my trunk. Myron had just helped with an analysis for TRIP, a national transportation research group, on the state of the nation’s roads. Twenty-eight percent of the nation’s major roadways in urban areas are beyond repair. They need to be completely rebuilt. The average driver spends an extra 515 dollars a year on extra maintenance and operational costs because of the bad roads.
“We spend a bit less than $100 a year in Federal gas taxes,” said Myron. “That goes to support the Highway Trust Fund, which is supposed to maintain the nation’s roads, but instead is going under.” “That’s a consequence of the failure of Congress to raise the gasoline tax since 1993,” he continued.
“You can’t raise the tax, because the three letter word tax is the only dirty word remaining in the English language,” he said with a grin. “But we all can pay five times as much in out-of-pocket costs and watch our infrastructure crumble, because that is not a tax,” he noted.
“Sometimes, stupidity is stunning,” he said with his boyish grin.
“And, by the way, I might need some help in putting the hutch together,” he said.
What Myron meant was that he would try it on his own first and call me only when he had stripped all of the screws, misplaced two or three of the major pieces and lost the instructions.
“Stunning,” I murmured.

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Stevieslaw: Top 10 Reasons to Visit the Bellefonte Art Museum

Posted on June 29, 2015 by stevieslaw

The Top Ten Reasons Why You Need to Visit the Bellefonte Art Museum
By Steven Deutsch.
1. There are nearly 150 local artists in their registry who have the opportunity to show and sell at the museum. These artists may paint, sculpt, draw, collage or do something that is totally new. In one of the Museum’s galleries, you may well find a piece of art that opens your eyes to a new way of seeing, perhaps to a new way of living.
2. The Museum is housed in the John Blair Linn House. Did you know that the house is over 200 years old? Did you know that it once housed a station on the Underground Railroad? Did you know that two of the house’s three stories have been lovingly restored under the knowledgeable eye of the Museum Director, Patricia House? Now you do. The house is spectacular in its own right and would be worth a visit, even if it were art-free.
3. While the Museum is open year-round from 1 to 4:30 PM on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays—or by appointment, the First Sunday public receptions have become a monthly destination for nearly 200 of your Centre County neighbors. First Sunday celebrates a new gallery show and free family art activities in the Children’s Gallery or around the Museum and its gardens. And did I mention the free reception with wonderful food? Don’t fret, I will.
4. There are programs that feature the “Art of Words”—“Out Loud” for poetry and “What’s in a Word” for writing. These events are in the evenings, often on Fridays. Remember February? I believe that sitting in that comfortable, colorful gallery with other happily engaged people and listening to a poetry recital gave me the strength to make it to the spring. Just this year, we had the pleasure of hearing Katie Bode-Lang, a Centre County resident, read from her wonderful book, “The Reformation,” the winner of the American Poetry Review first book prize. It is also a hospitable venue for local poets to read and, since there is an open mike, you might find yourself on stage reciting a piece from the epic story of your life. I have.
5. There is variety. In 2014, there were about 20 different art shows. The “Windows on the World gallery” features art from around the world—Japan, China, Africa, Canada—you get the picture. It has also had art from out of this world, with an exhibit of NASA space photography. And there is a special gallery for showing and selling jewelry, with a different artist’s work each month. In addition, the Museum has an architecture Gallery, which features the work of Anna Wagner Keichline—a woman of Bellefonte who was well ahead of her time. The architecture gallery has special events—including a recent book launch of “Women of Steel and Stone,” by Anna M. Lewis.
6. There are not one but two intimate gardens, one with a new fountain. We are a hardy bunch in Central Pennsylvania, laughing at what winter throws at us, but how nice to sit in a shady garden adjacent to a lovely Museum building on a spring day and contemplate contemplation.
7. Yes, you can bring the children. The Museum has a special area for family art activity and it is buzzing on First Sunday. The Museum partners with local schools, doing school art shows and classroom visits. There are also summer camps taught by local art teachers (these have been a great success.) The Museum was even recognized on the White House blog as a “Let’s Move” facility—a place combining heathy food and movement for children.
8. You will be in good company. The Museum has nearly 400 members and runs almost entirely on the power of its 50 volunteers. It had roughly 7000 visitors in 2013-2014, a number it is sure to surpass this year. The Museum has an operating budget of just over 100K, and this year, for the first time has two salaried employees. Art teachers receive honorariums. While the Linn House is owned by the Borough, the Museum receives no financial support from Bellefonte or Centre County to help maintain or improve it—in fact, one could easily argue that by bringing people downtown it is contributing to the local economy. Funding is through grants and donations. For the past three summers, the Museum programs have worked around a theme. This year it is “The Art of the World,” which to quote the website, “will focus on cultural uniqueness, especially food and art to raise awareness and bolster good will in our community.” Listen up. Some of the planned events are for members only. Past history suggests attendees will be talking about these events with wonder for a long, long time. Membership is the biggest bargain in all of Centre County.
9. What’s that you say? You need a gift for your great-aunt Martha. Well today is your lucky day. The art work in the Museum is for sale. There are wonderful art cards for sale. A new print gallery, featuring three different artists each month has opened on the second floor. And, the Museum even has a web site (bellefontemuseum.org) with special sections to showcase art and events. Soon you will be able to buy your favorite artist’s work in the new virtual gallery. There is something for everyone—even for your terribly picky Aunt Martha.
10. Oh, the receptions. Oh, the food. Who could have predicted that the core group of volunteers—the one’s that kept the building up as an historical Museum, before its current incarnation, would become the nucleus of an exceptional hospitality group? The food is interesting, tempting and delicious. And no, they are not giving out any recipes—you’ve got to be there to sample it. What could be better on a Sunday afternoon then going to a beautiful Museum building, viewing the work of talented artists and then repairing to the tea room to sample delicious tidbits and drink some specially prepared Sangria? By the way, admission is free. Priceless.

There is much more to come. Patricia House, Executive Director of the Museum has worked for over eight years to help create a destination in Bellefonte to celebrate the creative arts. She brings with her 25 years of Museum management and development experience. Under her stewardship, the Museum has grown from one small history gallery to six art galleries with hundreds of members and artists. Large parts of the building have been restored and two gardens, including one with a large fountain, have been added.

Over the next 5 years, Pat would like to see further improvements to the facility. In particular, restoring the two porches and the crawl space between the 2nd and 3rd floors, that once served as a station for the Underground Railroad, are tops on her agenda. A large exhibit space, not necessarily attached to the Museum, would allow for Travelling Exhibitions (shows originating in other Museums, that travel from Museum to Museum) to visit—again expanding the cultural variety available to Centre County residents. Perhaps, the Museum might, at some point, be able to organize their own travelling show.

The growth of the Bellefonte Museum gives Pat House, employees Lori Fisher and Amy Koll, the Trustees and the volunteers much to be proud of. Pat seems most pleased with the heavy involvement of the local artists in planning the direction of the Museum. As Pat told us, “no museum has more respect for the local artist.” The local artists we have spoken to wholeheartedly agree.

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