Stevieslaw: Whose Garden Was This?

No. None of my best friends are polar bears. I have never seen one in the wild and it seems unlikely that I ever will. So I was surprised this morning by my reaction—a profound sadness, to a U.S. Government Report that said polar bears would become extinct, unless humans reverse the trend of global warming.
The article seemed to hold out some hope that there would be some global action against global warming, but we know, deep down, that it’s curtains for many species—polar bears among them.
Here’s a song you might teach to your children, so they might teach it to theirs. It’s likely to have a deeper meaning for each successive generation. Tom Paxton wrote and performed it. It’s called “Whose Garden was This?” and it goes like this:
Whose garden was this?
It must have been lovely.
Did it have flowers?
I’ve seen pictures of flowers,
And I’d love to have smelled one.
Whose river was this?
You say it ran freely?
Blue was its color?
I’ve seen blue in some pictures,
And I’d love to have been there.
[Cho:]
Ah, tell me again I need to know:
The forest had trees, the meadows were green,
The oceans were blue and birds really flew,
Can you swear that was true?

Whose grey sky was this?
Or was it a blue one?
Nights there were breezes?
I’ve heard records of breezes,
And you tell me you’ve felt one?
Whose forest was this?
And why is it empty?
You say there were bird songs?
And squirrels in the branches,
And why is it silent?
[Cho:]
Whose garden was this?
It must have been lovely.
Did it have flowers?
I’ve seen pictures of flowers,
And I’d love to have smelled one.

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Stevieslaw: Cousin Myron Blows a Gasket

Stevieslaw: Cousin Myron Blows a Gasket
When the phone rang at 11:30 this morning, I knew as I went to retrieve it that the call was from my Cousin Myron. He has been laying low since taking himself out of the Presidential race a few months ago. Myron, for those of you who have not met him, is my temperamental red-headed cousin—a high school dropout and math whiz, who made millions with a progressive betting scheme at the racetrack and then quadrupled it at a series of poker games in Lake Tahoe, against people who should have known better. By temperamental, I mean insane.
Myron greeted me with a keening wail, so pathetic, it sucked the air out of my lungs. All hope departed and the hair on my arms stood on end. I knew that wail well, although the last time I had heard it was at the movie theater on Saratoga and Livonia during the shower scene in Psycho. Myron and I were both twelve at the time.
“Are the kids okay,” I asked in a panic?
Myron wailed on- “My car, my car, my car.”
“Damn,” I thought, “not the car.”
Myron is well aware of his limitations, which are usually physical. One is his driving. It took Myron eleven tries to pass his driving test—three of the officers administering it took early retirement rather than sit in a car with him once more. Since overcoming his poor driving was out of the question, Myron adopted a self-preserving stance and bought himself a 1954 Packard Super-eight. He had it painted fire-red, so that people could see it coming. He drove it very sparingly and called it, with great affection his “red tank,” as it weighed about a million pounds and got three to four miles per gallon. Myron was also able to use his talent as an automotive mechanic—one of the few courses he managed to pass in his ill-fated career at Thomas Jefferson High School in Brooklyn, to keep the beast in tip top condition.
After he had calmed down a bit, I was able to get the whole story. Myron was in New Jersey. His wife, Marsha—the name should be hissed, had bought a hutch at the Ikea in Elizabeth, so that she could display her “objects d’art,” as she referred to her knickknacks and had sent Myron to retrieve it.
“I thought I had it knocked,” said my sad cousin. “I had made it across the river and on to the turnpike, but getting off I accidentally steered the car into a pothole the size of Chris Christie.” “I broke the front axle and moved the engine off its mounts.”
“Thanks to the tank,” he said, warming, “I’m good as new.”
“And I will rebuild it,” he continued with conviction.”
“Now hurry up and come get me,” he said and hung up.
I got a bit of a lecture as I chauffeured Cousin Myron back to Brooklyn, with the hutch in a box in my trunk. Myron had just helped with an analysis for TRIP, a national transportation research group, on the state of the nation’s roads. Twenty-eight percent of the nation’s major roadways in urban areas are beyond repair. They need to be completely rebuilt. The average driver spends an extra 515 dollars a year on extra maintenance and operational costs because of the bad roads.
“We spend a bit less than $100 a year in Federal gas taxes,” said Myron. “That goes to support the Highway Trust Fund, which is supposed to maintain the nation’s roads, but instead is going under.” “That’s a consequence of the failure of Congress to raise the gasoline tax since 1993,” he continued.
“You can’t raise the tax, because the three letter word tax is the only dirty word remaining in the English language,” he said with a grin. “But we all can pay five times as much in out-of-pocket costs and watch our infrastructure crumble, because that is not a tax,” he noted.
“Sometimes, stupidity is stunning,” he said with his boyish grin.
“And, by the way, I might need some help in putting the hutch together,” he said.
What Myron meant was that he would try it on his own first and call me only when he had stripped all of the screws, misplaced two or three of the major pieces and lost the instructions.
“Stunning,” I murmured.

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Stevieslaw: Top 10 Reasons to Visit the Bellefonte Art Museum

The Top Ten Reasons Why You Need to Visit the Bellefonte Art Museum
By Steven Deutsch.
1. There are nearly 150 local artists in their registry who have the opportunity to show and sell at the museum. These artists may paint, sculpt, draw, collage or do something that is totally new. In one of the Museum’s galleries, you may well find a piece of art that opens your eyes to a new way of seeing, perhaps to a new way of living.
2. The Museum is housed in the John Blair Linn House. Did you know that the house is over 200 years old? Did you know that it once housed a station on the Underground Railroad? Did you know that two of the house’s three stories have been lovingly restored under the knowledgeable eye of the Museum Director, Patricia House? Now you do. The house is spectacular in its own right and would be worth a visit, even if it were art-free.
3. While the Museum is open year-round from 1 to 4:30 PM on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays—or by appointment, the First Sunday public receptions have become a monthly destination for nearly 200 of your Centre County neighbors. First Sunday celebrates a new gallery show and free family art activities in the Children’s Gallery or around the Museum and its gardens. And did I mention the free reception with wonderful food? Don’t fret, I will.
4. There are programs that feature the “Art of Words”—“Out Loud” for poetry and “What’s in a Word” for writing. These events are in the evenings, often on Fridays. Remember February? I believe that sitting in that comfortable, colorful gallery with other happily engaged people and listening to a poetry recital gave me the strength to make it to the spring. Just this year, we had the pleasure of hearing Katie Bode-Lang, a Centre County resident, read from her wonderful book, “The Reformation,” the winner of the American Poetry Review first book prize. It is also a hospitable venue for local poets to read and, since there is an open mike, you might find yourself on stage reciting a piece from the epic story of your life. I have.
5. There is variety. In 2014, there were about 20 different art shows. The “Windows on the World gallery” features art from around the world—Japan, China, Africa, Canada—you get the picture. It has also had art from out of this world, with an exhibit of NASA space photography. And there is a special gallery for showing and selling jewelry, with a different artist’s work each month. In addition, the Museum has an architecture Gallery, which features the work of Anna Wagner Keichline—a woman of Bellefonte who was well ahead of her time. The architecture gallery has special events—including a recent book launch of “Women of Steel and Stone,” by Anna M. Lewis.
6. There are not one but two intimate gardens, one with a new fountain. We are a hardy bunch in Central Pennsylvania, laughing at what winter throws at us, but how nice to sit in a shady garden adjacent to a lovely Museum building on a spring day and contemplate contemplation.
7. Yes, you can bring the children. The Museum has a special area for family art activity and it is buzzing on First Sunday. The Museum partners with local schools, doing school art shows and classroom visits. There are also summer camps taught by local art teachers (these have been a great success.) The Museum was even recognized on the White House blog as a “Let’s Move” facility—a place combining heathy food and movement for children.
8. You will be in good company. The Museum has nearly 400 members and runs almost entirely on the power of its 50 volunteers. It had roughly 7000 visitors in 2013-2014, a number it is sure to surpass this year. The Museum has an operating budget of just over 100K, and this year, for the first time has two salaried employees. Art teachers receive honorariums. While the Linn House is owned by the Borough, the Museum receives no financial support from Bellefonte or Centre County to help maintain or improve it—in fact, one could easily argue that by bringing people downtown it is contributing to the local economy. Funding is through grants and donations. For the past three summers, the Museum programs have worked around a theme. This year it is “The Art of the World,” which to quote the website, “will focus on cultural uniqueness, especially food and art to raise awareness and bolster good will in our community.” Listen up. Some of the planned events are for members only. Past history suggests attendees will be talking about these events with wonder for a long, long time. Membership is the biggest bargain in all of Centre County.
9. What’s that you say? You need a gift for your great-aunt Martha. Well today is your lucky day. The art work in the Museum is for sale. There are wonderful art cards for sale. A new print gallery, featuring three different artists each month has opened on the second floor. And, the Museum even has a web site (bellefontemuseum.org) with special sections to showcase art and events. Soon you will be able to buy your favorite artist’s work in the new virtual gallery. There is something for everyone—even for your terribly picky Aunt Martha.
10. Oh, the receptions. Oh, the food. Who could have predicted that the core group of volunteers—the one’s that kept the building up as an historical Museum, before its current incarnation, would become the nucleus of an exceptional hospitality group? The food is interesting, tempting and delicious. And no, they are not giving out any recipes—you’ve got to be there to sample it. What could be better on a Sunday afternoon then going to a beautiful Museum building, viewing the work of talented artists and then repairing to the tea room to sample delicious tidbits and drink some specially prepared Sangria? By the way, admission is free. Priceless.

There is much more to come. Patricia House, Executive Director of the Museum has worked for over eight years to help create a destination in Bellefonte to celebrate the creative arts. She brings with her 25 years of Museum management and development experience. Under her stewardship, the Museum has grown from one small history gallery to six art galleries with hundreds of members and artists. Large parts of the building have been restored and two gardens, including one with a large fountain, have been added.

Over the next 5 years, Pat would like to see further improvements to the facility. In particular, restoring the two porches and the crawl space between the 2nd and 3rd floors, that once served as a station for the Underground Railroad, are tops on her agenda. A large exhibit space, not necessarily attached to the Museum, would allow for Travelling Exhibitions (shows originating in other Museums, that travel from Museum to Museum) to visit—again expanding the cultural variety available to Centre County residents. Perhaps, the Museum might, at some point, be able to organize their own travelling show.

The growth of the Bellefonte Museum gives Pat House, employees Lori Fisher and Amy Koll, the Trustees and the volunteers much to be proud of. Pat seems most pleased with the heavy involvement of the local artists in planning the direction of the Museum. As Pat told us, “no museum has more respect for the local artist.” The local artists we have spoken to wholeheartedly agree.

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Stevieslaw: Long May it Wave?

Stevieslaw: Long may it wave?
E. Waugh, spokesperson for German Chancellor Angela Merkel, announced today that the Nazi flag would once again fly over the Reichstag Building in Berlin. Evelyn said, “While we all know that the Nazi regime was responsible for starting a horrific world war, murdering 6 million Jews and other undesirables, and oppressing tens of millions more, the Nazi emblem is part of our heritage. It will serve as a constant reminder of that bygone era—that I might add, produced some of the best Martial music ever, and liberals and other wusses will just have to get used to it.”

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Stevieslaw: Tea Ceremony

Tea Ceremony

Sunday morning breakfast
was as close as we
could come to sacred
ritual in our house.
Mom slept in
and dad would
orchestrate in
his best robe–
the eggs here
the butter there,
and the coffee pot
to the right of syrup.
He cooked the cakes
and bacon
in the cast iron pan
grandfather once used
to crack heads
at the bar and grill
on Ludlow Street.
Dad always claimed
the spatter of
the bacon grease
made much
the same sound.

We ate
until our ribs ached.
Until we could
barely breathe.
Until the very thought
of rising from our chairs
was far beyond
our quiet contemplation.

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Stevieslaw: Lost in Texas

Stevieslaw: Lost in Texas
Rick Perry suspended his Presidential campaign today, so that his entire staff can search for his “smart” glasses. Perry blamed his statement that the shooting of nine black people in South Carolina, “was an accident,” on the loss of his glasses. “While wearing them,” he said, “I have an IQ of nearly 90.” “Without them,” he continued, “my IQ is nearer 90.”
The Wise Eyes in Dallas, Texas is working furiously to make Perry another pair. Spokesperson, Ican SeaClrly, said, “This is much more difficult than just restoring vision—he needs a prescription for understanding. That’s rare.”
Most observers polled, however, feel that Perry’s “accident” statement was much, much better than the response of the other Republican candidates.

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Stevieslaw: The Little “White” Pill

Stevieslaw: The Little “White” Pill
The FDA seems poised to approve an over-the-counter drug that will allow black people to appear in public as white. FDA spokesperson, Tchek Twice, said “it’s a consequence of continuing research into stealth aircraft—essentially adding a chemical twist to the work.” “The pill, which has no known side effects, will last for approximately twelve hours and should allow black people to travel, work and shop without fear of being rousted, imprisoned, bludgeoned or shot.”
Conservative spokesmen, led by Fox News, have declared the pill “immoral and unnecessary.” Bill O’Reilly, speaking on his Fox News show, said the pill “sends the wrong message, as racism has almost completely disappeared from America and among Americans.” Congressional Republicans have vowed to defund the FDA and to pass legislation to ban the pill. They have already added amendments to do just that to the 48 “kill Obamacare” bills currently working their way through the House.
In related news, former slave states declared a day of mourning and will fly their confederate flags at half-staff, while The Klan and many other openly racist groups announced that they will not be accepting new members for the foreseeable future. Women’s rights groups say that a second pill, which will allow them to appear as “higher earning males” in the workplace has already passed Phase 3, NIH trials and is also very close to FDA approval.

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Stevieslaw: Headlines you may have missed: Jeb will sign Magna Carta

Duke designate and Jeb spokesperson for life, O.F Earl, said today “The Jeb campaign is not about family or dynasty, but about what He can do for our troubled nation. There will be nothing medieval about the reign of Jeb I, said Earl; In fact, we can look forward to a compassionate, though conservative, Regent. Jeb has already indicated his willingness to sign a Magna Carta immediately after the coronation, assuring that he and his heirs will be bound by the law of the land.”
“We should note,” He concluded, “That this is more than you are likely to get from that lawless Clinton Clan.”

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Stevieslaw: God Breaks 2 Thousand Years of Silence

Stevieslaw: God Breaks Two Thousand Years of Silence
God spoke to the entire planet today at 4:30 AM Eastern Time. The world was bathed in a warm blue light as the Creator of the Universe spoke: Everyone was instantly awake and aware. The brief message was delivered in a voice not easily identifiable as male or female, but had a strong South Brooklyn accent. In the speech God said, “You made a mess of the planet. You need to clean it up now,” and also noted that “you could also be a little nicer to each other, ya know.”
Sean Hannity, in a rebuttal for Fox News, said that “While the speech was apparently genuine, following the sentiment of the message would kill good American jobs and make life more difficult for hard working Americans. All of the 73 Republican candidates for President went on the record as “never being Christian.” “For proof,” said Mike Huckabee, “People should look at my record, not at my rhetoric.” Rick Santorum, echoing his earlier remarks said, “God should leave science to the scientists.” Soon after, he was apparently stuck dumb—although people close to him say that it’s very hard to see any difference.
God’s Press Secretary, Ralph Angel, said “God has no plans to address the planet again, anytime soon.”

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Stevieslaw: Arms Makers Cautiously Optimistic

Stevieslaw: Arms Makers Cautiously Optimistic
“It’s hard not to be nostalgic about the cold war and the doctrine of mutual assured destruction (mad),” said Ti T. Fortat, a Wall Street analyst who specializes in evaluating armament manufacturers. “Defense drove the economy for the 45 years the cold war lasted and the bullets and missiles people made gads of money.”
Dr. Fortat believes that a resumption of the cold war is just a few small miscalculations away and he and the armaments industry are pumped. “Putin and Russia are excluded from the G-7 summit, the constant, simmering conflict in the Ukraine continues and now the Russians are testing mid-range cruise missiles in violation of the intermediate range nuclear force treaty.” “At this point, the US government must respond in Europe, but we still have options—a measured response is certainly possible.”
“Fortunately, our government rarely works that way,” he continued. “With luck, we will introduce cruise missiles, capable of taking out more than just the offending missiles and frighten the Russians. And then it’s off to the races—a new cold war, a nuclear arms race, and perhaps some regional conflicts.” “For our military-industrial complex, it will be raining money, just as it did in those happy cold war days.”

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