Newsbriefs You May Have Missed: 14. Congress to Credentialize.

Posted on February 10, 2011 by stevieslaw

14. Wozar State University to offer Ph.D. in Thinkology.

Vladimir Orwell, spokesperson for the new Republican congressional majority, confirmed today that most of his delegation would soon receive doctoral degrees.  “Clearly, he said, “the delegation needs to combat the liberal media onslaught that accompanies many of our statements, particularly on so-called science-based issues.”   “What is often missing from our common sense statements are the credentials—the stamps of academic approval—to back them up,” Orwell noted. “While it is one thing to state that evolution is a hoot, as monkeys are clearly not changing into men as we speak, or that global warming is a fraud, because it snowed yesterday, it is quite another to preface these statements with the powerful phrase—based on my advanced degree studies.””The ability to tout our advanced degrees and the credentials to back it up will help put us on equal footing with the liberally biased officials from the Treasury and the EPA.”

The degree-ing of Congress will be helped along by an academic program at newly formed Wozar State University in Dayton, Tennessee.  Professor Dorothy Vonnegut, President of the College, spoke to us about the new, non-resident Ph.D. program.  “We will offer the Ph.D. in Thinkology, she said, as that degree will allow the recipients to speak most intelligently on any subject.”  “Specific requirements for the degree are still being formulated, she noted, “but we will factor in just how busy the congressional delegation is.”  “Clearly, they must retain their focus on the critical matter of being re-elected.”  Vonnegut suggested that her current thinking is that the degree will require life experience, a pulse and perhaps the ability to answer two or three questions posed by Glenn Beck.

Graduation is slated for May and will be held in Maui.

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And, As Always, Now

Posted on February 8, 2011 by stevieslaw

Within

these walls,

the wind

uneases

me, like a

leaf— dried-

brown and

brittle.  I

am no more

in mind of

motion than

is the dust,

kicked up,

swirled, and

stinging like

the harpies

from an iced-

cold hell.

And yet,

I manage-

ago to

after,

and, as

always,

now.

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Stevieslaw Exclusive: U.S. Capitol Sold to Disney

Posted on February 7, 2011 by stevieslaw

David Goldstein, a reporter for McClatchy Newspapers, reported this weekend that Congress was spending less and less time in session.  Part of this was a result of a revamped calendar from the new Republican leadership allowing members at least one week per month at home to, as House Majority Leader Eric Cantor wrote, “… allow the House to more accurately reflect the founder’s intent…direct and constant control by the citizens.”

Our own investigative reporter, Smokey Diamond, was able to track down the rest of the story.  Smokey has learned that the Republican leadership has reasoned that if one week a month at home will help return our country to 1789, simply having the legislators stay at home will make that happen faster.  Milton Thoreau, spokesman for Cantor, said, there are three basic reasons for abolishing sessions in Washington.  First, we can constantly assess the will of the people, or as it was once known, campaign for reelection.  Second, the tea party congressmen and women, who are for the most part headed to Washington by horse or mule, are not likely to arrive until the end of the summer anyway. And third, what we do is largely symbolic. To accomplish what we see as our actual mission should require no more than a weekend meeting in say, Maui.

The largely symbolic nature of Congress made Disney Corporation the logical choice to buy the Capitol.  They will be able to set up hyper-realistic mock-ups of Congressional sessions in which it actually appears that something in being accomplished through discourse and bipartisanship.  In a brief interview with Barack Obama, Smokey Diamond was able to confirm that the President is under tremendous pressure to sell the White House as well.  Obama said, “It’s not so easy.  Michelle and I have young children.  They like their schools and have made many friends.  And Michelle is very involved in the local community.”   “Still, he said, I suspect we will have to sell, as the sale of the entire government will go a long way to balancing the budget.”  Rumor has it that Saudi Prince, Movr Shakr, has expressed interest in purchasing the White House and turning it into a Vegas style casino.

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Newsbriefs You May Have Missed: 12. Tom Corbett takes aim at the State of the Union

Posted on February 5, 2011 by stevieslaw

12. Republicans rush to pass “The Every Child Waits His Turn Act.”

Jan Murphy writing for The (Harrisburg) Patriot-News reported this morning that newly elected Republican Governor Tom Corbett will propose as much as 1 billion dollars in school funding cuts this year.  Pennsylvania is facing a huge budget shortfall, and by the rules it invented for itself, must close the shortfall without raising taxes in any way.  Ima Liar, the governor’s spokesperson, said “Tom Corbett got the idea for cutting education spending after listening to President Obama’s State of the Union Speech.”  “His working principle is that if the President says something is essential, it isn’t.” Liar said that rather than following the “hopey, dopey” messages the President delivers, it is important to prepare Pennsylvania’s children for the real work situation likely for Americans in the 21st century, in which poorly educated Americans will work for very low wages producing substandard products for the more prosperous people in India and China.

Silas Marner, speaking for the Republican run, Pennsylvania State legislature said, “We were initially concerned that much of the State funding cut would have to be made up in increased property taxes. This is a consequence of a little known economic rule that requires the money we spend to come from somewhere.”  “While admitting that the legislature had not anticipated this,” Marner was quick to point out, “we have found an equitable way around it.” “The key is to keep enrollment fixed.  Initially, we thought that just educating male children would be the way to keep enrollment down, but that was surprisingly unpopular among the female legislators.”  “Instead, we will push through the “Every Child Waits His Turn Act,” in which enrollment is fixed in the public schools at one million students, and every child, at age 5 is added to a waiting list for the next available public school opening.” “Those with sufficient incomes might,” he said with a wink, “wish to send their children to private schools, and that would be allowed under the new law.”

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Costuming for the Post-truth Century

Posted on February 3, 2011 by stevieslaw

Costuming for the Post-truth Century.

Glenn Beck, who has been known to dress himself up, has admonished the Tea-partiers for wearing colonial costumes, and in this way, subverting the seriousness of their message.  Surprisingly, I disagree with GB.  It seems to me that if we have to deal with a “subjective truth,” we may as well be up-front about out assumptions, and costuming the “Post-truth” era may be a useful way of going about it.

For example, if you are going to claim something is true because it sounds like it should be true, you must dress like a Michael Jackson and sing it.  If it is true because you wish it were true, you can only tell the world about it if you dress like Dwayne Johnson in “The Tooth Fairy.”  If it is true because it should be true in a fair and just (most perfect of all) worlds, you must dress like a syphilitic Pangloss in Voltaire’s Candide.  If it is true because a scientific poll showed it to be true—as in 72% of American believe vaccination against polio is harmful, therefore…, you must dress as Boris Karloff as the mad scientist in “The Man They Could Not Hang.”  True because you are loyal to a fault and “fill in a name” said it’s true. You must dress as Lassie and bark it.

We could expand on this general theme, of course.  Do you and your friends want to spend time and money repealing something you know won’t be repealed?  You should dress as the cast of “One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest”

See if you can match up a subjective truth for: Harry Reid dressed as John Wayne; Barack Obama as Lebron James; Sarah Palin as White Fang; and, Michele Bachmann as Michele Bachmann. Just make stuff up.  Everyone else does.

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Newsbriefs You May Have Missed: 11. You Talkin’ to Me?

Posted on February 1, 2011 by stevieslaw

11. Arizona to produce nuclear weapons.

Curtis Strangelove, spokesman for the Arizona State Government, announced today that Arizona will produce a line of highly portable, 10-kiloton nuclear weapons by spring 2011.  Strangelove pointed out that, “The production of these weapons was a win-win-win decision for the State.” “First, he noted, “in this time of budget shortfalls, it will be in the State’s interest to market these weapons at the highly successful gun shows already a hallmark of Arizona.”  “Second,” he said, “We think it will help our interaction with the government in Washington.”  “Why should the Feds,” he continued, “have a monopoly on nuclear weapons?” “Third,” he said, “it will be a godsend in our continuing effort to fight illegal immigration from Mexico.” “The threat, or for that matter, the surgical use of nuclear weapons on staging areas for immigration from Mexico may be our best deterrent.”

Strangelove went on the dispel any fears a reasonable person might have about gun show sales of nuclear weapons, by pointing out that the same thorough background checks used for gun sales will apply.  He also noted that, “Although, these nuclear weapons will initially be a State Government run monopoly, we would like to see the manufacture and sale of these weapons transferred to individuals very quickly.”  “In the final analysis,” said Strangelove with a smile, “you are either for the second amendment or against it.”

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Procrustes Bed: New and Unimproved.

Posted on January 28, 2011 by stevieslaw

A friend and Professor of English introduced a very rough theory of Shakespeare’s tragedies in class today.  He’s a careful teacher, and he made clear to the students that his theory just provided a framework by which to think about the tragedies.  To make the theory fit all the tragedies, some facts might have to be altered.  Along the way, he brought up Procrustes Bed—an idea I hadn’t run across in years. 

In Greek mythology, Procrustes is an innkeeper.  He feeds his guests, than measures them against his bed.  Those too long have their legs chopped off until they fit the bed precisely.  Those too short are stretched on the rack.  Theseus puts an end to the horror by lopping off Procrustes head, when he proved too long for his own bed.

The bed may be looked on as a fixed standard and the guest’s size as something, somehow to be fit to the standard.  My friend meant the bed to be the theory. The people, the evidence, are to be adapted to fit the theory.  For example, we might hypothesize that government intervention is important in creating jobs in a time of high unemployment.  Liberals might say yes: Conservatives no.  We might argue about the available evidence—with both sides busily stretching the evidence to support their claims.  Does that sound as wonderful to you as it does to me?  We might actually be arguing about evidence.  We could do research on each other’s claims and perhaps come to a rational conclusion. 

Today, some have extended the idea of Procrustes bed, to make it nearly unrecognizable.  We might, for example, have Palinsbed, where neither the theory not the evidence matters—provided only that the bed was made by hard-working American workers, working without job destroying regulations, in the solid, workaday, heartland of America.  Glennbeckbed might have both the theory and the evidence made from whole cloth, as in—the three legged bed must be better as it was built by the founding fathers, as it clearly states in “The Book of the Founding Fathers,” by John Birch.  Or perhaps, we might run across religiousbed, where the evidence doesn’t matter worth a damn, as the bed is sacred to Jesus or Mohammed or Moses or a prophet of your choice.

Give the exercise a try.  What beds can you come up with?

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Newsbriefs You May Have Missed: 10. State Government Reform. The one percent solution.

Posted on January 25, 2011 by stevieslaw

10: State Government Reforms, and Pennsylvania Takes the Lead

In a highly informative article by Jan Murphy of the Harrisburg Patriot-News, we learned today that the Pennsylvania House of Representatives plans to reduce government spending by making deep cuts in their own benefits package.  State House leaders have agreed to: require receipts for lodging and meal expenses, move to a mileage reimbursement system—eliminating state provided cars, and have house members and staff contribute 1 percent to the price of their health benefits. 

Harold Bloom, spokesperson for the house members, called the 1 percent contribution a stunning example of members putting “their money where their mouths are.”  “We wrestled with the percentage, but in the end decided on 1 percent as it would allow the members to estimate their monthly contribution, without the need for higher mathematical skills—like multiplication.  We had a math consultant come and explain the process to us, in a two day workshop in Maui.” “It’s amazing,” he continued.  Say a house member’s monthly health insurance bill is $654.00. In mathematical parlance, we say that there are two places to the right of the decimal point, and three to the left.” “To calculate the contribution, you simply move the decimal point two places to the left, and your contribution is $6.54.” “We were told to ignore any numbers to the right of the 54, as dealing with that, the so-called round off problem, is well beyond the average member’s comprehension.”

House member, Doris Lessing, commenting on the legislation said, “It was only later that we found we could do the same sort of thing with 10%, by moving the decimal point only one place to the left instead of two.”  “While this information arrived too late to influence contributions to our health plan, Ms. Lessing continued, “it will certainly change the amount many of us leave as a tip.”

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Where Have All the Protest Singers Gone?

Posted on January 23, 2011 by stevieslaw

Where have all the protest singers gone?

Lately, I seem just as likely to break into a song by Tom Paxton as I am to say something intelligible.  Perhaps it’s just me, but I miss the protest songs and the urban folk singers of the sixties and seventies.  Phil Ochs, Tom Paxton, Eric Anderson and others, who provided music for the protest marches and demonstrations of my past.  Protest singers were big back then.  I saw Phil Ochs twice at Carnegie Hall. 

I think that Tom Paxton often got things right.  If you are worried about bail outs—here’s a stanza and the chorus of Tom Paxton’s “I am changing my name to Chrysler:”

O the price of gold is rising out of sight

And the dollar is in sorry shape tonight

What a dollar used to get us now won’t get a head of lettuce

No the economic forecast isn’t bright

But amidst the clouds I spot a shining ray

I begin to glimpse a new and better way

I’ve devised a plan of action, worked it down to the last fraction

And I’m going into action here today

:                              I am changing my name to “Chrysler”

I am going down to Washington, D.C.

I will tell some power broker `What you did for Iacocca

Would be perfectly acceptable to me!’

I am changing my name to “Chrysler”

I am leaving for that great receiving line

When they hand a million grand out, I’ll be standing with my hand out

Yes sir, I’ll get mine

War in Pakghanistan? How about Paxton’s Lyndon Johnson told the nation:

We go round in helicopters,
Like a bunch of big grasshoppers,
Searching for the Viet Cong in vain.
They left a note that they had gone.
They had to get down to Saigon,
Their government positions to maintain.

 [Cho:]
Lyndon Johnson told the nation,
“Have no fear of escalation.
I am trying everyone to please.
Though it isn’t really war,
We’re sending fifty thousand more,
To help save Viet nam from Viet Namese.”

Media bothering you?  How about Paxton’s “Daily News:”

John Paul Getty is just plain folks.
The UN charter is a cruel hoax.
How do I know? I read it in the Daily News.
J. Edgar Hoover is the man of the hour,
All he needs is just a little more power.
How do I know? I read it in the Daily News.

Daily News, daily blues,
Pick up a copy any time you choose.
Seven little pennies in the newsboy’s hand,
And you ride right along to never, never land.

Nuclear winter/Global Warming? How about Paxton in “Who’s Garden was This?”

Whose garden was this?
It must have been lovely.
Did it have flowers?
I’ve seen pictures of flowers,
And I’d love to have smelled one.

Whose river was this?
You say it ran freely?
Blue was its color?
I’ve seen blue in some pictures,
And I’d love to have been there.

[Cho:]
Ah, tell me again I need to know:
The forest had trees, the meadows were green,
The oceans were blue and birds really flew,
Can you swear that was true?

A few tweaks here and there and these songs are ready to go.  It’s even possible to satirize the satirists.

Consider the Folk Song Army by Tom Lehrer:

We are the folk song army.
Everyone of us cares.
We all hate poverty, war, and injustice,
Unlike the rest of you squares.

There are innocuous folk songs.
Yeah, but we regard ’em with scorn.
The folks who sing ’em have no social conscience.
Why they don’t even care if jimmy crack corn.

If you feel dissatisfaction,
Strum your frustrations away.
Some people may prefer action,
But give me a folk song any old day.

The tune don’t have to be clever,
And it don’t matter if you put a coupla extra syllables into a line.
It sounds more ethnic if it ain’t good english,
And it don’t even gotta rhyme–excuse me–rhyne.

Remember the war against franco?
That’s the kind where each of us belongs.
Though he may have won all the battles,
We had all the good songs.

So join in the folk song army,
Guitars are the weapons we bring
To the fight against poverty, war, and injustice.
Ready! aim! sing!

Who is currently singing songs of protest?  Where is their music being played?

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Newsbriefs You May Have Missed: 9. Scrubbing the Clean Air Act

Posted on January 22, 2011 by stevieslaw

9. EPA to become CPPA

Buoyed by their success in repealing Obamacare, House Republicans are, according to Renee Schoof of McClatchy Newspapers, getting ready “to rewrite the Clean Air Act so that it can’t be used to fight climate change.”  Arlene Apnea, spokesperson for Fred Upton (R-Mich.), new Chairman of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, said that “the GOP will put a stop to the rampant job-raping regulation of green house gases in the environment by the EPA, even before such regulation is actually proposed.””Frankly, we would like to get the EPA out of the environmental protection business entirely,” she said “and I think House Republican will start that process by proposing that the agency change its name, to the job-creating title of Corporate Profit Protection Agency.” “In this way, she went on to say, we will change the public’s expectations of what the agency might accomplish.”

 Ms. Apnea suggested that Federal money might better be spent in job-fostering projects, such as the “Total Environment Living Project,” recently suggested by the home construction firm New Levittown.  As some may recall, New Levittown was recently in the news with their announcement of a Phase 1 housing development for American settlers on the Kabul River in Pakghanistan.  TELP would create environmentally sealed communities for the very wealthy at several dozen locations in the United States.  Sam Spade, spokesperson for New Levittown, noted that, “it has never been clear to me that the very wealthy should be forced to breathe the same air or drink the same water as the others.”  Spade predicts that thousands of construction jobs will be created by the country-wide housing project.   And, Spade went on to say, “as these workers sicken from the bad environment and can’t find affordable health care, we will need to replace them—increasing, in a sense, the number of good American jobs we create.”

A smiling Sarah Beck, newly appointed spokesperson for the House Republicans, declared that this is just the beginning, as the repeal movement was “catching fire” in the House.  “In our crosshairs for the coming months,” crowed Sarah, “are the job-shredding Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the job-nuking Voting Rights Act of 1965.”  “After all,” she said, “if we needed them, the founding fathers would have proposed them.”

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