Shortly, Spring
Today, a brightness has overtaken
the grim wintry gray we suffer here,
in the shadow of the great lakes.
Our walkways are still patched
with the grease of black ice, that
makes walking a test of uprightness.
But, in the fence corner, at the edge
of my small land, I listen to the
trickle of freed water as it slides
off the edge of an old shed roof,
and speaks eloquently of the spring.
February 2011: A month for watching the smoke rise from the chimney of a house you once lived in.
American Tune–Paul Simon
I don’t know a soul who’s not been battered
Don’t have a friend who feels at ease
Don’t know a dream that’s not been shattered
Or driven to it’s knees.
But it’s all right, all right,
We’ve lived so well so long
Still, when I think of the road we’re traveling on,
I wonder what went wrong,
I can’t help it
I wonder what went wrong.
And I dreamed I was flying.
I dreamed my soul roseunexpectedly,
And looking back down on me,
Smiledreassuringly,
And I dreamed I was dying.
And far above, my eyes could clearly see
The Statue of Liberty,
Drifting away to sea
And I dreamed I was flying.
We come on a ship we call the Mayflower,
We come on a ship that sailed the moon
We come at the age’s most uncertain hour
And sing the American tune
But it’s all right, it’s all right
You can’t be forever blessed
Still, tomorrow’s gonna be another working day
And I’m trying to get some rest,
That’s all, I’m trying to get some rest.
16. Tragic Misspelling in Pakghanistan is Costly
Chivers, Rubin and Morgan, reporting for the NY Times on Friday in an article almost as confusing as the war itself, broke the news that the U.S. military was pulling its forces from the Pech Valley. The U.S. command had described the valley as “central to the campaign against the Taliban and Al Qaeda,” on Thursday. Marvin Acedia, spokesperson for Maj. General Campbell the commander for Eastern Pakghanistan, explained through a world weary smile that, “we were in the wrong valley.” “We are embarrassed to have to say,” he said, “that our translators failed us here, and we ended up in the Pech Valley because of a misspelling.” Acedia went on to say that, “you needn’t worry, as we have the valley central to the campaign under our control.” “Security concerns prevent me from providing any additional information—such as the location of the valley central to our campaign.” The Times reporters went on to describe how the Soviets had realigned their troops away from the Pech Valley in 1988, also because of a spelling mistake. Soon after, the Soviets got to go home.
A related NYTimes article details the demand of the Head of the Pakghanistani Spy agency (ISI) for the names of all CIA contractors. The CIA has made it quite clear through its chief spokesperson, who could not be named or photographed, that in spite of the occasional snag, cooperation with ISI is “strong and healthy.” We interviewed an ISI spokesman, who could not be named or photographed, at the weekly NATO fuel truck burning and mixer. The spokesman agreed with the CIA assessment and went on to say, “We only want the contractor’s names so that we can hunt them down and kill them like dogs.”
We found Stanley Spade, spokesperson for all the Pakghanistani contractors, at the International flight counter at Kabul Airport. Stanley would only say, “Is that my flight? Where the hell is my flight?” General Petraeus, safely tucked away in his super secret bunker, under the State Capitol in Madison, Wisconsin, could not be reached for comment.
Russ Buettner of the New York Times reports that “Fox News Chief Urged Employees to Lie.”
AStevieslawSmorgasbord: On Wanting More.
A friend of mine said yesterday that she had never seen a sadder paper. She was talking about our local newspaper, the CDT, and for a minute I thought she might be making a general—and a pretty well correct— statement, but she was referring to the yesterday’s news. Today’s paper is worse.
A bedraggled Smokey Diamond and I sat down this morning to discuss the news. The question before us, which is I’m sure is the question faced by anyone wanting to write or sing or perform a little satire, is what to talk about, when there is so much to talk about. Where do we send Smokey next? I’ll go over a bit of our deliberations here. All of this is from the first section of our crappy little newspaper.
On page 1, we have news that our Tom Corbett and the State legislators have been taking gifts from the gas industry. Tommy and the assortment of republican and democratic legislators are quick to assure us that gifts and campaign contributions are not affecting their decisions—such as not taxing gas extraction or killing environmental protections. I’ll drink to that.
Sure enough, we also learn on page 1 that the State Patty’s Day is set to continue downtown. What can we say? Who wouldn’t think that drinking until you’re sick or out of control or violent is a great idea—-not only once, but every year. How better to prepare for a life of wanting more when you have too much?
On page 1, we also learn that somehow, when we weren’t looking, when we had just turned away for a second or two, our economy became tied to Middle East oil production. If only we had known, we might have spent the last 40 years or so developing alternative energy sources instead of subsidizing oil companies—who clearly do not have enough.
On page 2, we find out the Pakghanistani spy agency is “calling it quits with the CIA.” This is a little off our general theme, but who can resist absurdity. Smokey and I are fairly sure that we will still be paying the Pakghanistani spies even if they are not cooperating. As we speak hundreds of CIA agents are trying to figure out whether no longer getting information from the crazies at the Pakghanistani spy agency is a good thing or a bad thing.
We also have, just in Section 1, violence in the middle east, terrible earthquakes and the slow, depressing death of our space program.
But the kicker—our special favorite— is on page 7, where good old, man-of-the-people, Scotty Walker, of Wisconsin, is recorded taking a fake call from billionaire supporter David Koch. Apparently, David and his brother Charles don’t quite have enough. Fortunately, the Wisconsin voters have let them into the Governor’s mansion and the State House. The image of the corporate billionaire and the Governor chuckling about unions and baseball bats is right out the 1920’s. If bashing union workers heads was funny then—try the film Matewan for a few laughs—it’s got to be 100 times as funny now.
My friend spoke of the CDT before a class on Shakespeare, that we are both sitting in on. As coincidence would have it, we are currently reading MacBeth, which is among many, many things a play about having so much, yet wanting more. One reason Macbeth is endlessly interesting is the conscience and imaginative power of Macbeth’s mind. Scotty Walker and David and Charles Koch have no such arresting subtleties, just privilege and appetite.
Smokey Diamond, our versatile investigative reporter, attended services this Sunday at the New Church of Jesus Christ, Businessman, in downtown Manhattan at a former Union Hall. CEO, Oscar Meyer, explained that the church is founded on a single principle, “Thou Shalt Take No Action to Reduce Corporate Profits.” Meyer said, “The church is growing by leaps and bounds—Tea Partiers, Republicans, Corporate Leaders and many average Americans who have been led to believe that they will someday be as wealthy as Donald Trump and will have a good shot at bedding Sarah Palin.” “Our sermons are often given by influential people in the public eye. For example, this week Pennsylvania governor, Tom Corbett, will speak on Environmental Regulations—Who Needs Them, while next week, Scott Walker of Wisconsin will get everyone fired up with, “Satan in the Classroom, or Unions For Never.”
Smokey was given a tour of the church after the sermon. The first floor, a male only reserve, was split into sections with preferred seating given on the basis of level of contribution. General seating for females is “on a floor not far below the main level,” said Meyer. “Minority seating is, as always, in the basement. We have established what we like to call, “token seats,” for women and minorities along the outer walls of our main level.”
Meyer said that the church is currently running an on-line and brick and mortar book and record store, where churchgoers can purchase inspirational material. “We have no bible to speak of,” he said, “but prefer to read from sacred autobiographical texts.” “Last week’s book was a study of Henry Ford, entitled—Not as Anti-Semitic as You Were Led to Believe.” “And as you well know, said Oscar, we already own a TV Network—Fox News.” “Fair and balanced,” he chuckled.
Before leaving the church, Smokey reported, he was, as all middle class church members are, held upside down by his ankles and shaken down. The money that fell out of his pockets was reverently collected and placed in the “send a CEO to Maui fund.”
NRA Plan to Save Millions in Unnecessary Background Checks.
Jim Vetuno of the Associated Press reports from Texas today that the State Legislature is working to pass a bill to allow guns on College campuses. The need is clear for State Senator, Jeff Wentworth, who said the bill will prevent a situation, “…where some deranged suicidal madman goes into a building and is able to pick off totally defenseless kids like sitting ducks.” As a Texas A&M senior is quoted as saying, “Gun-free zones are shooting galleries for mass murderers.”
Now, our own investigative reporter, Smokey Diamond*, heavily armed and dressed in the latest body armor, has braved the gun-free zones still out there to get the rest of the story. He spoke with John Wayne Heston, national spokesperson for the NRA, who said, “The Texas law is good news of course, but it doesn’t go nearly far enough.” “We feel the best place to start protecting defenseless kids is in the nation’s nursery schools.” Heston went on to say, “We look at 3 to 5 year olds as our target group.” “We realize that early childhood education of these toddlers will be needed to make them responsible gun-toters as quickly as possible, and we believe that Federal Governments should pony up for the cost, as this represents a clear Homeland Security issue.”
Heston went on more conversationally to say, “Kids of that age are learning to use a knife and fork—how much more difficult could it be to teach them to draw and shoot?” “Also, toddlers are always bumping heads.” “They are quick to anger and rage and, being armed, they will be able to face up to these feelings as men.” “What better learning experience could we ever ask for? “Finally, Heston noted, “As toddlers do not have a past worth checking, we will save a small fortune on any of these ridiculous mandatory background checks for weapons ownership—once approved, always approved.”
*Happily, Smokey made it back to our studio without getting gunned down this time.
I have absolutely no idea what brought this on. When I showed it to my analyst, she got even more quiet than usual. Yesterday, I got a card from her announcing that she was retiring and moving “somewhere else.” She’s only 35.
SweetDreams
The five cobbled
roads that lead
into the town
square were laid
down more than
200 years ago.
A plaque stands
in stone at
its very center.
It has suffered
from hard and
giveless winters,
the sweat and stew
of short summers
and the caustic
of those thousands
that have read it
with their fingers.
I can recite
the names of 27
who founded this
small town, where
five hay paths
converged. They
had a mind for
joyful commerce
and a full life.
A host of people
come visit us
on Independence
day; for the story
of its founding,
is as old as
the nation’s,
and my leaned
recitation is
tolled as would
a drum be,
and offered up
before we scar
the sky and swim
in the scent
of the bombs.
After, and
in the dead of
dead of night, I
tell a tale around
the fire. A tale of
the sixth path, a
rootless road to hell,
and of the 28th
founder, who must
reside there. A 28th
name, scratched
urgently from the
copper plaque, be-
fore it greened to
age. I tell the
visitor and the
resident alike of
a future built
on promises unkept,
and of the recoming
of the sixth path,
and of the founder
whose name we
do not mention,
in the night.
The tale I tell,
and the joy with
which I tell it,
scares the children
straight and chills
the cold and aged,
‘til each and every
hunches deep in a thin
blanket and wails in
longing for the dawn.
Come visit me.
I tell my tale
each year. I
have told it
for far longer
than the eldest
can remember.
They say the
telling is so real
that those who hear
it will swear
I am as ageless
as the night
and was there,
at the founding.
Was there, they
say, was 28th
was that phantom
who rode the sixth
path, took the
oaths and laid
the cobbled stone.
Perhaps they’re right.
Come visit me.
Come hear my tale.
Come quickly on the night.
In a move strongly endorsed by the local and national tea party, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has designated March 18th as “Kick a Teacher in the Ass Day.” The Governor’s spokesperson, Ayn Randy, said, “This action is long overdue, and there is little doubt that the concept will be picked up by like minds in Washington, DC.” “Already, we are hearing talk from the Republican led House about , Scream at a Poor Person Week, Push a Granny Down the Stairs Weekend and, Starve the Infirm Month.
Ayn went on to say with a wink, “People are starting to talk Scotty up as a suitable Vice Presidential running mate for Sara Palin.”
Stevieslaw Exclusive: Marsupial Research Funding to Spike.
Stevieslaw has learned, through Wikileaks, that in spite of the trying economic times and the rhetoric surrounding budget cuts, additional funding will be made available for Marsupial Research at the Bronx Zoo. Smokey Diamond, our fearless investigative reporter went to Capitol Hill, to ferret out the rest of the story. Smokey soon sniffed out that all of the increased funding will go to The National Opossum Society. SD adds that Opossums are Marsupials that are best known for their reaction to threats. Smokey, quoting Wikipedia notes “When harmed or threatened, a Possum will mimic the appearance and smell of a dead animal. The physiological response is an involuntary rather than a conscious act. “
Laurel Hardy, spokesperson for the Republican majority in the house, resplendent in his sable coat and coonskin hat, said that, “the whole concept of “Playing Possum” is one that is obviously attractive to us. Hardy went on to say that, “when faced with the facts of global warming, or for that matter with any scientific ramblings that suggest man has learned anything since the birth of Christ, what better way to react than to shut down entirely—and being able to shut down involuntarily, instantaneously as it were, before saying something that might be interpreted, by the media, as incredibly stupid is priceless to us.” “We need to find out how the possums do this as quickly as possible.” he said with a winning smile.
Hardy expects little trouble from the Democrats in the House and Senate or for that matter from the White House. They have their own set of problems to involuntarily ignore—two wars, popular only with armaments manufacturers, and the whole business of entitlement spending. “Funding Opossum research is a win-win in Washington.”
