Smokey Diamond: The Intrepid Reporter

Posted on April 27, 2011 by stevieslaw

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StevieslawExclusive: The Donald, Barack Hussein Obama, and the Taliban Tunnel

Posted on April 26, 2011 by stevieslaw

Donald Trump has been running hard against Barack Obama, even though it’s quite early in the race for the Presidency.  Trump has been arguing that there is no evidence to prove that Obama was born in America.  More recently, he questioned how Obama, whom he described as a “terrible student,” could get into Columbia and then Harvard.  “I have friends who have smart sons…with great everything and they can’t get into Harvard,” Trump is quoted as saying.  As many of you might not remember— perhaps because it never happened, Trump also questioned the legacy admission of George W. Bush to Yale, during the 2000 and 2004 campaigns. You might, however, recall that Bush finished with a gentleman “C” average while Obama was the first black president of the Harvard Law Review.

At Stevieslaw, we recognize serious discussion when we hear it, so when Mr. Trump announced this morning he had new and even more startling disclosures to make about Obama, we sent our intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, to hear it.  During the news conference, The Donald made it clear that he was not directly accusing Mr. Obama of any crime.  “What I am forced to  investigate,” he stated, “ is the question of Mr. Obama’s whereabouts on the night five-hundred Taliban prisoners escaped from an institution in Pakghanistan.”  “We all know,” he continued “that a break-out of this magnitude could not be accomplished without some help form highly placed sources.”  “We also know that Hussein Obama is one of the few people on the planet that can fly to Pakghanistan on a moment’s notice.”  “In addition, my operatives have found a well-worn shovel and a pair of leather gloves in Mr. Obama’s size somewhere near the White House.”  “Is this just another coincidence, Mr. President?”  “Trust me” he said, “The people will judge.”

A spokesperson for Obama would only say, “We always take seriously, comments and questions from Mr. Trump, who is after all, a representative of the most moderate wing of the Republican Party.

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StevieslawPubServAnn: Squelching the Naturally Gaseous Rumors

Posted on April 25, 2011 by stevieslaw

David Caruso, of the Associated Press, reports in this morning’s Centre Daily Times that the natural gas industry will stop using riverside water treatment plants to get rid of millions of barrels of tainted wastewater that results from fracking.  The treatment plants are not currently set up to remove the salts and radioactivity associated with the waste.  The article points out that it was the industry, not the PA-DEP that initially requested that the practice be discontinued.

Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, set up a “man in the street” interview near the courthouse in Bellefonte, this morning, to find out what the public thought of this.  Three major points emerged:

  1. 96.1% thought that disposal through water treatment plants was “expensive,”
  2. 99.8%  thought that the water treatment would get more expensive as the treatment plants geared up to handle the salt and radioactivity, and
  3. 100% thought that it was no doubt cheaper to bury the water in Ohio or to reuse it.

Somewhat more troubling was the rumor, which Smokey picked up at the courthouse, that the natural gas industry was planning on bottling the water and selling it as a mineral-rich, health food supplement.  Smokey was up at fracking headquarters, just outside Scranton, in a flash to check on this disturbing rumor.  Tomuc Methan, spokesperson for the industry, decked out in an orange “Take the Bromide Challenge” t-shirt and hat, responded, “ATT, we have no plans to bottle this energetic, mineral rich resource and sell it back to the public.”  “BTW, did you know that the resource is naturally fizzy?” he added.   “Excuse me,” asked Smokey, “but what does ATT mean?”  “Oh,” responded Tomuc, “At this time, of course.”

In Joseph Heller’s novel, “Catch 22,” Milo Minderbinder has cornered the market on Egyptian cotton.  Unfortunately, no one is buying cotton but the Egyptians who buy it for a song and sell it back to him, and his corporation (which is orchestrating WWII and to which everyone has a share) is in danger of going under.  Milo tries to convince the main character, Yossarian, that the men must pitch in and learn to eat Egyptian cotton—because “what is good for Milo Minderbinder is good for the country.”  To make the cotton more palatable, he has coated it with chocolate.

“Actually, the mineral-rich, naturally fizzy, supplement, that comes in handy pint bottles that may be recycled, is not too bad with chocolate syrup,” reports Tomuc with a resounding burp. 

Have a sip.  Now, repeat after me, “What is good for the natural gas industry is good for the State.”

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Stevieslaw: A Good Citizenship Guide for Energy Producers.

Posted on April 21, 2011 by stevieslaw

Smokey Diamond was able to obtain The Good Citizenship Guide for Energy Production Corporations: A Primer this week.  It is surprisingly short.

  1. In applying for a permit to drill, blast, or frack, cite the extensive research you have done that shows “nothing bad could ever happen.”
  2. Using lawyers and lobbyists, buy as much government as you can afford.  The money you never really spent on extensive research should help.
  3. Have government confirm that your research claims are not only valid, but are uncontroversially so.
  4. Patiently explain that studies that claim the water supply will be damaged by your energy extraction is just propaganda being put forth by leftish, extremist, environmental terrorists.  Feel free to use photographs of Arabic looking men building bombs, in you print ads.
  5. Fight the environmentalists in court.  Let the case drag on for as long as possible. Appeal. Appeal. Appeal.
  6. Have government insist they will never let your corporation damage the water supply.
  7. Deny vehemently that the water supply has been damaged.
  8. Have government vehemently deny that the water supply has been damaged.
  9. Insist that the damage to the water supply is, in fact, quite minor.
  10. Argue that the prevalence of two-headed chickens, in the regions surrounding your corporate site, is not unique but has been happening recently all over the world.
  11. Move your operation ten miles down the road. Remember that there is no available technology to clean up the mess you made.  It makes no sense to try.
  12. In applying for a permit to drill, blast, or frack, cite the extensive research you have done that shows “nothing bad can ever happen.” Play up your recent experience in drilling, blasting or fracking.
  13. Repeat.
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StevieslawExclusive: Republican Primary to Air on Fox as the Reality-like Show, Lost Too.

Posted on April 20, 2011 by stevieslaw

Our own intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, has uncovered plans by the Republican National Committee to frame their 2012 primary race in terms of the popular TV show “Lost.” The Reality-like show will air on Fox News more or less 24 hours a day. Smokey has learned that the RNC has already contracted with the “Lost” Island for the year long show. The Island has, reportedly, been looking for work for several years now.  The show is, tentatively, to be called “Lost Too,” in deference to the earlier TV show and—adds Smokey—“to the probable tenor of the Republican debate.”

The RNC is not concerned that much of the public is unfamiliar with the plot of the original show. They feel that the plot can be as easily explained as say Michelle Bachmann’s economic plan for American prosperity. For the purpose of this article, Smokey provides the following basic outline of the original show. A cast of dozens survives the crash of a jetliner (submarine, sailboat, or galleon) on an evil/heavenly magical island.  Some bad/good people, who were either Native Born, or came to the Island with their pregnant, illegal immigrant mothers, are already there. The crash occurs again and again.  The cast, an interchangable collection of the good, the bad, and the ugly, face hardships, not the least of which is the plot. There is deceit and danger—also, danger and deceit. Things blow up. Many of the cast die.  Some die again and again, as death does or doesn’t matter and the characters live on in LA or on the Island in the past, present and future, simultaneously. There is even an evil/good billionaire, whose role on the show is never really defined. Got it so far?  While on the island, they must deal with a terrible evil, which is represented by Black smOke (get it, oh I hope so). In short, the show is both good TV and a good representation of what the Republican debate will seem like. The Republican hopefuls will assume the characters of their choice from the original show.  Multiple identities for the characters are clearly not a problem—reread the plot summary if you think it might matter. And remember, the casting is not meant to be factually accurate.

The smart money is betting that the candidates will go along with this plan for a host of reasons.  There is the promise of continuous coverage on Fox News.  A starring role on the show is a way for each of the Republican hopefuls to paint a portrait of someone able to overcome impossible challenges—a role they wish to inflict on the old, the poor and the infirm—in a carefully controlled environment. Anyone who has seen the show knows that the personalities and opinions of the characters can change from minute to minute—a huge selling point for the primaries.  The candidates will be comfortable in their roles, as the Republican candidates already live on a magical island, where things will and have happened because they want them to. An extra special attraction will be the license to say really, really, crazy crap, with the understanding that it will be interpreted as a plot complication. Some few problems remain.  One, is the question of who will play the foreign born characters?  Hopefully, some candidates will reason that if the foreign born Barack Obama could be made President, why not other foreign born characters?  Another problem is Donald Trump, who will undoubtedly wish to buy his own island.

Our RNC insider further confided to Smokey that one relatively minor candidate did not pass an initial screen test. Former Senator Rick Santorum will not be allowed to travel to the island. Rick was recently featured in a Time magazine article that identified the three most boring people on the planet. “Santorum, as I needn’t remind people in Pennsylvania,” said our source, “can bore a normal human being to death by uttering even a single declarative sentence.”  “He is just bad TV,” she said.

Later:

Smokey was able to reach spokesperson, Don Dither, at the DNC for his thoughts on the primary reality show.  Dither said, “Off hand, I don’t think the idea will get traction.” When pressed, Don replied, “The Democrats will form, over the next few days, a committee to study the action of the Republicans and to offer a strategy to combat it.”  “As has been the case in the past and part of our long tradition, we will offer no action until just after all harm has been done.  Buttons, t-shirts and posters have just been released by the RNC to publicize the new show. “They are first rate,” offered Ms. Diamond.  “I particularly like the button of Obama going up in black smoke with the logo, Don’t Vote for the Smoke.”

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StevieslawItMakeNoSense: Tom Corbett Babbles like a Blighted Brook. AP Looks On.

Posted on April 19, 2011 by stevieslaw

Peter Jackson of the Associated Press, reporting in today’s local paper, has Pennsylvania Governor and man of the people, Tom Corbett, assuring citizens that he will “not let them poison the water.”  Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, and I would like to offer Tom a shout-out—“Good job Tom, we were hoping that the prevention of a poisoned drinking supply wouldn’t be too much of a stretch for the governor.  Well done.”  Corbett was talking about the release of natural gas by fracking in the Marcellus Shale deposits in the Northeastern part of the state.  Tommy will not tax the natural gas producers, which makes Pennsylvania the only major state that does not. 

That is all part of the story we already know, but Smokey and I would really like to speak to Peter Jackson (AP), whose interviewing skills, we are afraid, leave a bit to be desired.  As Smokey pointed out to me, “you really need to listen to what politicians are saying when you interview them.” Occasionally, what they say may lead to a follow up question.”  “This is particularly true when what they say makes no sense at all.” Got that Peter?

So when Peter Jackson asked Tom Corbett, “Why do other States tax gas and not Pennyslvania?” Corbett, using Texas as an example, replied, “Texas doesn’t have a personal income tax.” “Texas doesn’t have a property tax.”  “So when you are talking about taxes, don’t you think we ought to compare …oranges to oranges?” “Pennsylvania has a state income tax and local property tax.”

Here poor Peter might have asked:

“So Tom, do you think by taxing Marcellus Shale our property and income tax will go up?”

“No, Peter, that’s not what I meant.”

“Did you mean to say that one reason Texas doesn’t need property or income tax is that they tax their energy producers?”

“No, Peter, that’s not what I meant to say, either.”

“Tom. What is it that you meant to say, when you started babbling about the lack of taxes in Texas?” “Logically, your words can only mean that taxing the natural gas producers will result in lower personal taxes.”

“Here, Peter,” replied Tom Corbett “Have an orange.”

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StevieslawSnipit: The Low-life in Corporate America

Posted on April 14, 2011 by stevieslaw

In a corporate world in which the Pennsylvania DEP would clearly issue a gas fracking permit to drill right beside—let’s say—the only oasis to supply water to the desert city of wishyouwerehere, before being asked, Smokey and I were still surprised at the news out of Iowa, reported in this morning’s CDT.  Apparently, Iowa has introduced legislation to make it a crime “to produce, distribute, or possess photographs and videos taken on an agricultural facility without permission of the owner.” Lying on your agricultural worker application—we are admittedly having trouble picturing this application—with the intent of doing any of those investigative things, would also be criminal.  Similar legislation is planned for Florida and Minnesota, where copies of Upton Sinclair’s novel, The Jungle, are being given away free, so that they can be burned next Wednesday night.

We sent a normally intrepid Smokey Diamond, our investigative reporter out to Iowa to get the rest of the story.  Smokey kept muttering stuff about ropes, cottonwood trees and frontier justice as we dragged her to the airplane. 

Smokey spoke to Ann Hormel, spokesperson for both the Iowa legislature and the State’s agribusiness, which as she pointed out are just too tight to separate.  Ann was clearly worked up about the photos and videos, often capturing animal cruelty and poor sanitation on the agribusiness facilities.  In response to Smokey’s questions, Ann asked with great passion, “What kind of low-life would lie on his farm worker application just to get photos of sick animals being butchered for meat or chickens forced to roost in their own fifth while producing eggs?” “What kind of human being would do that?”

Indeed.

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Stevieslaw’Splainittoyouoncemore: Detaxing the Rich and the Corporate.

Posted on April 13, 2011 by stevieslaw

With school boards, elected local officials, mayors and governors across the nation getting set to fire your neighbors, relatives and friends, the hardheaded among us are asking once more why the very rich are paying at the lowest tax rate in decades, corporate giants—like GE—are paying no taxes, whole industries—like fracking for natural gas in Pennsylvania—are not being taxed at all, and why Republican Paul Ryan proposes privatizing Medicare while lowering the corporate tax rate?  The answer was given to us years ago by the Great Communicator, Ron Reagan, as trickle-down economics, but perhaps we have forgotten the basics.

To reeducate us, Smokey Diamond—our intrepid investigative reporter—caught up with Justin Lacking, spokesperson for the Republican think tank, Stickittoya. Lacking said, “I’m happy to have this opportunity to explain.”  “Think of Corporations and the very wealthy as benevolent—mortgage bankers or options dealers, come to mind—job creating machines,” he said.  “If taxed they will create only a certain amount of jobs, say A.” ”If untaxed, they will create B number of jobs.” “Sometimes B is actually more than A, and sometimes the extra jobs are not created in Indonesia or Viet Nam, or as we say,” he waxed poetically, “A trickle-miracle occurs. “In hard times in particular,” said Justin, “we must not tax the rich or the Corporate because that might inhibit the trickle miracle.”  Smokey asked next if the “trickle-miracle” had ever happened. “No,” beamed an otherworldly looking Justin Lacking, “but you must always believe it might.”

When asked by Smokey about the actual jobs being lost by actual people, Lacking triumphantly said, “Sorry, I have another appointment.”

Here at Stevieslaw, we will try to make it simpler yet.  Vote Republican and hope against hope for the trickle-miracle. Perhaps it will happen before your unemployment insurance runs out.

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Newsbriefs You May Have Missed: Fracking for the Foreign Market, or Where Have All the Good Excuses Gone?

Posted on April 11, 2011 by stevieslaw

Today we learned from Lou Kilzer and Andrew Conte, writing in the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review (about the Marcellus Shale), that foreign companies are buying up “significant shares of these drilling projects and making plans for facilities to liquefy and ship more of that natural gas overseas.”  We are sure this is just a small detour in the plan to secure the nation’s energy future.

When Smokey Diamond and I discussed this at our morning news review, over strong coffee and smoked salmon, we were both were forced to admit that this was no surprise.  The good news was to come shortly we anticipated, with a measure to tax the companies that extract the gas for foreign export.  As you may recall, the drilling companies themselves are to be spared an extraction tax, for fear they would move the shale elsewhere and/or not fund Tom Corbett’s re-election campaign.  Much of the money not received in taxes will go into the governor’s campaign to defund public education—at all levels.

But, as Pat Henderson, senior advisor to man of the people, Tom Corbett, explained in the article, the companies would still not be taxed because it would be difficult to craft a tax, based on where the gas is used.”  Smokey could not get an interview with Pat—he has taken over the “Press Release Excuse Department, and he is busy with his staff of hundreds formulating excuses for firing teachers, medical workers, firemen etc. “He deserves the promotion,” quipped Smokey, “that’s a heck of an excuse for a guy with his own tax department.”

My friend Margaret called me later in the day.  I put up with her because we have known each for years, but as a teacher, she is one of the people destroying our American way of life and busting our budgets. I often wonder how she can do all that on a salary of $38,500.  But we all know it must be true, or why would a host of Republican Governors been saying it.

We got on the subject of homework and excuses.  “I had the usual dog, mother, fire, water stuff,” she said.  “But one student claimed he couldn’t do his math homework, because he wasn’t crafty enough.”I gave him an “A,” she remarked.  “It looks to me as if he will have a fine future in Pennsylvania.”

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