StevieslawTip: Surviving a Government Shutdown

Posted on April 6, 2011 by stevieslaw

Smokey Diamond attended a town discussion last night about the potential government shutdown and what we, as citizens, might do to protect ourselves.  The meeting began with a frank discussion of what the Federal Government and its elected members do.  After several hours, the participants agreed on four items:

  1. They wage war(s).
  2. They deliver mail (although mostly junk and often not yours).
  3. Their members hurl barbs at one another continuously.
  4. Their members run for re-election.

The meeting concluded that the wars, wounding words and reelection campaigns will continue unabated.  To protect yourself against the loss of mail delivery, the group suggested stockpiling any junk mail that comes in the next few days and adding a bit of it to your mail box every day during the shutdown.  Be careful not to give yourself junk mail on Sunday.

Fox News was more forthcoming on just what to do.  Its spokesman, Ims Rich, suggested to following moves:

  1. Run through the supermarkets and drug stores, screaming “the end is near,” and empty shelves of bottled water, hard cheese, fruit loops and spaghetti—os.
  2. Wait on long lines to stock up on gasoline.
  3. Wait on even longer lines to stock up on Scotch.
  4. Make sure your household members are armed and frightened.

They suggest for those couple of citizens that depend on the government for some small measure of their welfare—such as social security recipients, veterans, other retirees, Medicare or Medicade recipients, government workers, cancer and heart disease researchers, etc., that they follow these simple rules.

  1. Take roughly a million dollars in cash from your lowest interest bank account or your worst performing stock.
  2. Exchange the money for cash in a currency more likely to survive the shutdown, Canadian comes to mind (editor’s note: hurry, there is just not that much Canadian currency out there).
  3. If you have friends or relatives living in a more stable place, such as Libya, Iraq or Pakghanistan, ask them to send the occasional care package (Fed Ex or UPS only).
  4. Avoid your better armed neighbors.
  5. Hunker down, munch cheese, drink scotch and watch Fox.
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StevieslawGoGetYours: Planning Your Stock Profile for the Republican Century

Posted on April 4, 2011 by stevieslaw

I sat down this morning to write a protest letter to Rep. Glenn Thompson about drilling for gas in the Delaware River Basin.  Instead, I started to laugh.  Is it possible to find a better way to waste your time than writing to Glenn about the environment?

So Smokey and I spent the morning talking about our finances.  I don’t know about you but our finances suffered from the little practical joke Wall Street and the Bankers recently put over on us.  We haven’t recovered quite as quickly as CitiBank. So, here is a little investment advice for your disposable income to use during the coming Republican Century.  No specific companies are mentioned.

The Obvious:

Armament and “Defense” Stock—These are always good, independent of the make-up of the government.  We have a Democrat and a Nobel Peace Prize winner running two and a half wars.  Smokey and I believe that expendables are the future—Cruise missiles are not reusable. Neither are the bombs the two sides in Libya are using to move desert sand around.

Energy—Under the Republicans, any stock with gas, oil, or electricity in its title is a sure thing.  It is also relatively easy to find combined armament and energy companies—hint, think of a major “electric” company that paid no tax this past year.

Services: There are a few good bets here.  Private prison providers come to mind.  Low end fast food restaurants, which can cater to the increasing number of working poor, are good as well.

Medical: Think of the dismantling of ObamaCare and you think immediately of the insane profits that the medical insurance companies will be reaping.  With the end of environmental protection, we are really bullish on an increase in the number of cancer diagnoses.  It’s got to skyrocket.  Pharmaceuticals are a good bet.

Less Obvious:

Communication: You can’t go wrong with the soon-to-be- State related TV network that rhymes with nox.

Environment: What is this doing here you wonder?  Think of drilling in a river basin that supplies a major city and you come up with?  No, of course it’s a disaster in the making, but how do you profit? We suggest you invest heavily in companies that bottle water.  It’s a no-brainer.  We also like the manufacturer of oxygen vending machines for city streets.  Have beachfront?  We, in State College, a few hundred miles from the current coastline, are seriously toying with building a beach club resort— a truly Republican answer to global warming.

Feel free to make use of these ideas.  Smokey and I can’t as we have just realized that we have no disposable income to invest.  Oh well… Dear Congressman Thompson: I protest…

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StevieslawWeCanOnlyDream: The Church of the Flaming Koran

Posted on April 3, 2011 by stevieslaw

Terry Jones and followers to head to Pakghanistan

Smokey Diamond got the scoop from Terry Jones today about his plan to move his church and followers to a hillside just outside Kandahar.  Diamond admitted, “I wore a NASA style EVA suit for the interview. I was that afraid of catching cooties.”

Jones said, “My followers and I will be opening the church in Kandahar for several reasons.  For one, it will allow us to continue our fight against Islam at one of its centers, using our twin weapons of bibles and bigotry.”  “More importantly, it will give us much greater access to Korans, and at a much better price.”  “The church will feature a forty foot high cross and a tasteful neon sign announcing the coming of “The Church of the Flaming Koran.” ‘No one living within a 100 miles of the church will be able to ignore it,” he said with his final words.

Alas, it is just a dream.

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Stevieslaw: Filing the Short Form

Posted on April 2, 2011 by stevieslaw

I was going to spend today doing my income taxes, but I couldn’t control my typing. Every time I set out to enter StevieslawInc into my new tax software, my fingers would type something else —ge, ge, ge, ge, ge…sorry, there it goes again.  When I went to get a glass of milk from the Stevieslaw fridge to calm my ge, ge, ge, ge… nerves, I noticed that the fridge was made by GE.  The microwave is also and I bet ge, ge, ge, ge…if I look around I can find a few more appliances and even light bulbs made by them as well.

So this year I am simplifying my corporate taxes.  I will file the following:

StevieslawInc

A wholly owned subsidiary of GE

Please send our customary rebate.

I’m not at all sure what wholly owned subsidiary (WOS) means, but there are so many things I use in my day to day that I’m not all that sure of, I’m willing to give it a try.

By the way, the address of our legal defense fund is …ge, ge, ge, ge…..

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StevieslawGuesstheRest: Making Environmental Protection Less Confrontational in Pennsylvania

Posted on April 1, 2011 by stevieslaw

The story so far(from the CDT, 4/1/11): “Oil and gas inspectors policing Marcellus Shale developments in Pennsylvania will no longer be able to issue violations to the drilling companies they regulate without first getting the approval of top executives.”

GuesstheRest:  Kant Belibit, spokesman for the DECP—Department of Corporate and Environmental Protection, spoke to Smokey Diamond in the hope of clearing up any misconceptions.  “First,” she said, “this is not an April Fool’s joke.”  “Also, it is important to look at this at a pilot program, where Marcellus Shale is just the first of many corporate protection issues that we seek to make less confrontational. “As a second example, she said, “food inspection comes to mind.” “Remember,” she said emphatically, “consistency always trumps safety.”

 “It is important to recognize,” she continued, “the inspectors will still be able to make a difference.”  “They will be able to offer constructive criticism to the gas executives, from a carefully prepared script.” “They might say, for example, perhaps I can find a better place for you to dump that, or would you mind terribly if I posted no-fishing signs along this creek.”  Inspectors would also be able to strongly encourage gas industry workers with suggestions like, I wouldn’t drink that if I were you, or you may want to hold your breath, or even I’m sure the ambulance will be here any minute.”

Les Ruth, a spokesperson for Glenn Thompson—a Federal congressman—called us soon after this interview to offer an unsolicited comment.  Les said, “Glenn is particularly pleased when ideas generated at the State and Local level percolate up.”  “This idea will work just as well at the Federal level,” he continued,  “although, Glenn suggests it might be even better to refer any suspected violation to an unbiased committee made up of representatives of all America’s corporations.” “The committee might meet quite regularly—say on alternate February 29ths—to consider the alleged infractions.”

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Stevieslaw: Oh, To Be In Salem When Republicans Are There.

Posted on March 31, 2011 by stevieslaw

Our local newspaper, the CDT, quotes wire sources for the report that Republican lawmakers are asking the IRS to investigate the AARP, to determine whether or not they should retain their tax exempt status.  The lawmakers claim that AARP stands to make huge sums over the next ten years on health insurance plans made possible by Obamacare, and that is the reason they supported the health care legislation.

Our Smokey Diamond caught up with Ian Hollow, spokesperson for the Republican majority in the House.  In answer to Smokey’s questions, Mr. Hollow stated unequivocally “this is not some witchhunt.” “There are a pernicious set of myths that permeate American society and cause hard working American people to support things that are, in fact, against their own best interests.”  “We all know them,” he continued, “worker’s rights must be protected, women have unique health care needs, broadcasting choices should go beyond Fox news and American Idol, and now, older, retired people somehow, magically, require more health care than your average Joe.”  “What you end up with is Unions, Planned Parenthood, NPR, and AARP—groups we would all be better off without.” “Republicans,” he said, “have finally figured out that the best way to dispel the myths afflicting our great society is to attack the organizations these myths have created and fostered.”

Hollow assured Diamond that much more was in the works.  “We are closely examining the myth that workers at tax exempt organizations should be allowed to vote for Democrats, if they prefer them,” he said with his winning smile.

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Stevieslaw: Onion Snow

Posted on March 31, 2011 by stevieslaw

Onion Snow

On campus, we have

retained a few stately

trees, buds just forming

forty feet above the

stone gray concrete

path I use to make my

way to class.  I leave

my prints upon the

leavings of the last

snow of the season-

an onion snow we

called it once, the slow

and graceful, down-

fall of large and downy

flakes, that always

coats the walkways, as if

the winter had thrown

in a towel so large it

 hugs the whole near

world—the path, the

trees and the children’s

hair, as they march

doggedly wherever.

My prints will melt

with the snow before

the sun sets tonight.

The children will

vanish with the season.

And I, snowy hair

suddenly in fashion, old

coat buttoned to hide

my naked neck from frost,

hearing gone, sight slight,

feel as if I have walked

these old gray paths

forever, and will forever

still.  That tree and I,

silly in our coats of snow,

are old friends by now

and by the grace of god-

knows-what, we both

have been retained,

to welcome yet

the greening of

another spring.

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StevieslawGuesstherest: Ron Tomalis Talks School Budget Cuts.

Posted on March 30, 2011 by stevieslaw

The Issue: A proposed 1 billion dollar school budget cut by, man of the people, Governor Tom Corbett of Pennsylvania.

Education Secretary-nominee, Ron Tomalis defended the cuts by declaring, “I don’t think that dollars is the way that we drive achievement. I don’t think you can measure achievement in dollars and cents.  For instance, he said, he believes higher quality teachers, not necessarily more teachers and smaller classes, is more important to student achievement.

Guesstherest: Tomalis continued by noting it was his belief, “that a good challenge is the best way to attract higher quality teachers.”  “We believe by offering lower and lower salaries, much larger class sizes, only teacher supplied class materials, and best of all— very, very limited health and pension benefits, that we will attract the best teachers in the nation.”  “Moreover, he said, “our children will wish that they could grow up to be PA teachers, as well.”  “Of course,” he concluded, “that is sort of silly of them, with the kind of education we envision them getting.”

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StevieslawExclusive: Scooping the Fox News Poop.

Posted on March 28, 2011 by stevieslaw

Michelle Obama practices Chavezism

Our intrepid Smokey Diamond reports that Fox News will air an exclusive today that strongly links Michelle Obama to the Venezuelan Socialist Dictator Hugo Chavez.  “I felt there was an inordinate amount of travel to Caracas by Fox News reporters,” purred Smokey, “so I followed them to find out what they were up to.”  “The reporters were attending all of Hugo Chavez’s news conferences and were tracking his every word on Venezuelan television.”  “At first they seemed confused, but that improved when they hired a translator.” “And last night, after his televised speech, they packed up and left in a hurry.”

Smokey was able to catch Ronald Sauron, the mouth of Fox News, on the tarmac at what Ron still calls Idylwild Airport.  Sauron confirmed that they were watching Chavez closely and had months ago discovered the connection between him and first lady, Michelle Obama.  “Chavez has been dropping loaded words now for months, railing about things like TV and school violence and alcoholism,” he confided.  “It’s just the sort of thing we would expect to hear from Ms. Obama and we suspected it was much much more than coincidence.”  “Yesterday, when he went on and on about the dangers of obesity,” he continued, “we knew we had her.”  “Michelle Obama has long been in favor of government control of what we can eat,” he said.

“Like all our exclusives,” Sauron said, “Fox News will not actually accuse Ms. Obama of being a socialist follower of Chavez and a closet Hispanic, but will simply present the compelling factual evidence that she is.”  “We at Fox wonder just how closely Ms. Obama’s birth certificate has been studied, for example” he said.  “We also wonder why she is ashamed of admitting to her Hispanic background and how that will play out with our Hispanic voters.”

In other Fox News, Sauron was able to confirm that Fox’s scientific experts were willing to concede that the earth was probably “not flat,” if their colleagues on the left would stop promoting “all that dribble” about global warming.

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Stevieslaw: I Mean Mean

Posted on March 27, 2011 by stevieslaw

I’ve been carrying this word, mean, around with me for weeks now.  I’ll share.  Yes, I know you didn’t ask.  I will keep it short.

We seem to have lost one meaning of mean now that we need it most.  What a shame.

We use the word “mean” in many ways.  In statistics, it means “average” and is often different from the median or midpoint.  As a verb, we use it for to signify or to have in mind or to intend.  As an adjective—and as a noun —we use the word in at least three ways, although it seems that only one meaning is common. In today’s world, mean is hostile or rude, and I think it’s what your six year old has in mind when she complains that her eight year old brother is “being mean to me.”  It can also have the meaning of poor or in inferior circumstances.  There is nothing noble in being mean in this way—synonyms include base, beggarly or sordid.  But when my mother or father referred to someone as “mean,” they often as not meant it in the sense of “ungenerous.”  The synonyms are wonderful—close, mingy, miserly, niggard, parsimonious, penurious, rapacious, tight and tight fisted. 

My dad is gone now, but for him the word described not only the tight-fistedness that might be a reasonable reaction to living through the great depression, but also—and much, much closer to the point—an “ungenerousness” of spirit—a deep seated, humorless and ugly inability to be happy—to even fake happiness—for any success that others might have. For a spirit that recoils in spite and hate at any tiny advantage, deserved or undeserved, afforded to a neighbor, a relative, or a friend. 

My dad would have had little trouble then in placing the basic tenets of the Tea Party.  He would have understood the motives of the self-proclaimed patriots, the men and women who think that paying a tax, they can afford, to keep our public schools running is somehow an injustice.  He would have recognized them, our real and potential men and women of government, Sarah, Michelle and Scott, as mean—and he would have wondered, as a man of peace, kindness and generosity, what the hell had happened to his country.

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