StevieslawItMakeNoSense: Tom Corbett Babbles like a Blighted Brook. AP Looks On.

Posted on April 19, 2011 by stevieslaw

Peter Jackson of the Associated Press, reporting in today’s local paper, has Pennsylvania Governor and man of the people, Tom Corbett, assuring citizens that he will “not let them poison the water.”  Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, and I would like to offer Tom a shout-out—“Good job Tom, we were hoping that the prevention of a poisoned drinking supply wouldn’t be too much of a stretch for the governor.  Well done.”  Corbett was talking about the release of natural gas by fracking in the Marcellus Shale deposits in the Northeastern part of the state.  Tommy will not tax the natural gas producers, which makes Pennsylvania the only major state that does not. 

That is all part of the story we already know, but Smokey and I would really like to speak to Peter Jackson (AP), whose interviewing skills, we are afraid, leave a bit to be desired.  As Smokey pointed out to me, “you really need to listen to what politicians are saying when you interview them.” Occasionally, what they say may lead to a follow up question.”  “This is particularly true when what they say makes no sense at all.” Got that Peter?

So when Peter Jackson asked Tom Corbett, “Why do other States tax gas and not Pennyslvania?” Corbett, using Texas as an example, replied, “Texas doesn’t have a personal income tax.” “Texas doesn’t have a property tax.”  “So when you are talking about taxes, don’t you think we ought to compare …oranges to oranges?” “Pennsylvania has a state income tax and local property tax.”

Here poor Peter might have asked:

“So Tom, do you think by taxing Marcellus Shale our property and income tax will go up?”

“No, Peter, that’s not what I meant.”

“Did you mean to say that one reason Texas doesn’t need property or income tax is that they tax their energy producers?”

“No, Peter, that’s not what I meant to say, either.”

“Tom. What is it that you meant to say, when you started babbling about the lack of taxes in Texas?” “Logically, your words can only mean that taxing the natural gas producers will result in lower personal taxes.”

“Here, Peter,” replied Tom Corbett “Have an orange.”

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StevieslawSnipit: The Low-life in Corporate America

Posted on April 14, 2011 by stevieslaw

In a corporate world in which the Pennsylvania DEP would clearly issue a gas fracking permit to drill right beside—let’s say—the only oasis to supply water to the desert city of wishyouwerehere, before being asked, Smokey and I were still surprised at the news out of Iowa, reported in this morning’s CDT.  Apparently, Iowa has introduced legislation to make it a crime “to produce, distribute, or possess photographs and videos taken on an agricultural facility without permission of the owner.” Lying on your agricultural worker application—we are admittedly having trouble picturing this application—with the intent of doing any of those investigative things, would also be criminal.  Similar legislation is planned for Florida and Minnesota, where copies of Upton Sinclair’s novel, The Jungle, are being given away free, so that they can be burned next Wednesday night.

We sent a normally intrepid Smokey Diamond, our investigative reporter out to Iowa to get the rest of the story.  Smokey kept muttering stuff about ropes, cottonwood trees and frontier justice as we dragged her to the airplane. 

Smokey spoke to Ann Hormel, spokesperson for both the Iowa legislature and the State’s agribusiness, which as she pointed out are just too tight to separate.  Ann was clearly worked up about the photos and videos, often capturing animal cruelty and poor sanitation on the agribusiness facilities.  In response to Smokey’s questions, Ann asked with great passion, “What kind of low-life would lie on his farm worker application just to get photos of sick animals being butchered for meat or chickens forced to roost in their own fifth while producing eggs?” “What kind of human being would do that?”

Indeed.

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Stevieslaw’Splainittoyouoncemore: Detaxing the Rich and the Corporate.

Posted on April 13, 2011 by stevieslaw

With school boards, elected local officials, mayors and governors across the nation getting set to fire your neighbors, relatives and friends, the hardheaded among us are asking once more why the very rich are paying at the lowest tax rate in decades, corporate giants—like GE—are paying no taxes, whole industries—like fracking for natural gas in Pennsylvania—are not being taxed at all, and why Republican Paul Ryan proposes privatizing Medicare while lowering the corporate tax rate?  The answer was given to us years ago by the Great Communicator, Ron Reagan, as trickle-down economics, but perhaps we have forgotten the basics.

To reeducate us, Smokey Diamond—our intrepid investigative reporter—caught up with Justin Lacking, spokesperson for the Republican think tank, Stickittoya. Lacking said, “I’m happy to have this opportunity to explain.”  “Think of Corporations and the very wealthy as benevolent—mortgage bankers or options dealers, come to mind—job creating machines,” he said.  “If taxed they will create only a certain amount of jobs, say A.” ”If untaxed, they will create B number of jobs.” “Sometimes B is actually more than A, and sometimes the extra jobs are not created in Indonesia or Viet Nam, or as we say,” he waxed poetically, “A trickle-miracle occurs. “In hard times in particular,” said Justin, “we must not tax the rich or the Corporate because that might inhibit the trickle miracle.”  Smokey asked next if the “trickle-miracle” had ever happened. “No,” beamed an otherworldly looking Justin Lacking, “but you must always believe it might.”

When asked by Smokey about the actual jobs being lost by actual people, Lacking triumphantly said, “Sorry, I have another appointment.”

Here at Stevieslaw, we will try to make it simpler yet.  Vote Republican and hope against hope for the trickle-miracle. Perhaps it will happen before your unemployment insurance runs out.

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Newsbriefs You May Have Missed: Fracking for the Foreign Market, or Where Have All the Good Excuses Gone?

Posted on April 11, 2011 by stevieslaw

Today we learned from Lou Kilzer and Andrew Conte, writing in the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review (about the Marcellus Shale), that foreign companies are buying up “significant shares of these drilling projects and making plans for facilities to liquefy and ship more of that natural gas overseas.”  We are sure this is just a small detour in the plan to secure the nation’s energy future.

When Smokey Diamond and I discussed this at our morning news review, over strong coffee and smoked salmon, we were both were forced to admit that this was no surprise.  The good news was to come shortly we anticipated, with a measure to tax the companies that extract the gas for foreign export.  As you may recall, the drilling companies themselves are to be spared an extraction tax, for fear they would move the shale elsewhere and/or not fund Tom Corbett’s re-election campaign.  Much of the money not received in taxes will go into the governor’s campaign to defund public education—at all levels.

But, as Pat Henderson, senior advisor to man of the people, Tom Corbett, explained in the article, the companies would still not be taxed because it would be difficult to craft a tax, based on where the gas is used.”  Smokey could not get an interview with Pat—he has taken over the “Press Release Excuse Department, and he is busy with his staff of hundreds formulating excuses for firing teachers, medical workers, firemen etc. “He deserves the promotion,” quipped Smokey, “that’s a heck of an excuse for a guy with his own tax department.”

My friend Margaret called me later in the day.  I put up with her because we have known each for years, but as a teacher, she is one of the people destroying our American way of life and busting our budgets. I often wonder how she can do all that on a salary of $38,500.  But we all know it must be true, or why would a host of Republican Governors been saying it.

We got on the subject of homework and excuses.  “I had the usual dog, mother, fire, water stuff,” she said.  “But one student claimed he couldn’t do his math homework, because he wasn’t crafty enough.”I gave him an “A,” she remarked.  “It looks to me as if he will have a fine future in Pennsylvania.”

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Stevieslaw: Cousin Myron and the Tax Code.

Posted on April 10, 2011 by stevieslaw

I’m sure you all recognize my cousin Myron by now, aspiring author, GED diplomaer, trickster and idiot savant—with not so much savant.  Myron, as you must recall is a whiz with numbers and anything related to numbers. He called me the other day as I was urging myself to sit down to do my taxes. 

“Why don’t you let me do them?” he said with much hurt in his voice.

“Because you will get me audited,” I said. “You will get me fined and imprisoned.””Perhaps, you will get me executed,” I added.

I was being stubborn and I knew it.  Myron did taxes for the whole family.  In fact, he did the taxes for most of the neighborhood, in what was a thriving and growing business.  He stands by his work and his clients, much like that faithful Labrador retriever, which I remark whenever I can, he more than resembles.  Not one of his clients has been fined, imprisoned or executed and his work is so meticulous that they have rarely been audited.

But Myron will be Myron.  He has no accounting degree, let alone a CPA and when it came time to name his company—for the sign in the storefront, wedged comfortably between the green grocer and the tattooer, up on Pitkin Avenue—he named it “Close Enough Accounting.”  Every time I considered bringing my forms to Myron, I get a picture of the line just below the signature line, which says name of preparer. 

“I’m being audited next Tuesday,” Myron said sounding a bit put out.  “And, I want you to go with me.”

“Sure,” I said. 

There’s not much I wouldn’t do for Myron, even if a visit to the IRS for the purpose of an inquisition, ranks right up there with dying on my non-bucket list.

“Do they have the goods on you I asked?” trying unsuccessfully to sound like Perry Mason.

“Of course not, you moron,” he screamed. “I’m worried that I might lose my temper.”

Myron has reason to worry.  Many of my relatives, and I’m sure quite a few of yours, have on occasion thrown a waiter or two through a plate glass window, but Myron is the only one I have ever known to throw a waiter through the window both ways.  He threw some poor guy, who was both late with his fries and tried to defend his tardiness, through the window to the street, then stepping through picked him up and threw him inside again.

When Myron bought me breakfast that morning, I took the waitress aside and warned her. She survived.  We got to the IRS at about 9 and took a number.  It wasn’t until after 11 that an auditor was free to speak to us, but the wait was the worst part of the day. Myron and the auditor sparred for about two and a half hours.  After that, Myron worked over the supervisor for another hour.  When asked a question, Cousin Myron, would quote something that always sounded to me like, “Section 78, Paragraph 2, Line 101.”  Gradually, through the stupor that had become my life in the IRS office, I began to realize that Myron had memorized the tax code, and could quote it like a preacher does the bible. 

When we were freed, at about 4 PM, I couldn’t help but enlighten Myron with—“If you don’t want to be audited year after year, change the name of your business to something less IRS offensive.”

Myron gave me one of those long, sad looks that people usually reserve for Met’s fans. 

“You don’t get it do you?” he asked. “I love to be audited.”  “I look forward to it every year.”

“Do you have the whole tax code memorized?” I asked him.

“Yup,” Myron said.

“How long is it?” I asked. I found that I actually wanted to know.

“It’s 16,845 printed pages long,” he said.  “Want to hear it?”

“No.” “Never,” I said, but at that moment, I realized that aside from Myron, the best anyone can ever do in filling out his taxes is to be close enough.

And now with that in my easier mind, I really have to get to mine.

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StevieslawInsight: Politics, Language and the Government Shutdown

Posted on April 8, 2011 by stevieslaw

We are fast approaching a government shutdown, during which the only people whose lives will not be affected are those we elected to draw up, debate and pass a budget.  Ogden Nash had a lovely poem entitled, “It’s Always When for Professional Men.”  Too bad he’s not still around to add a verse or two about politicians.

The Republicans claim that the budget impasse is over spending and just spending, while the Democrats claim back that the impasse is over social programs, in particular, the Republican plan to cut funding for Planned Parenthood.  Since spending and social programs are spelled using many of the same letters, we thought there might be a language problem, so we sent Smokey Diamond, (Ph.D. lingcatstics) over to Capitol Hill to investigate. 

Smokey recorded the last, and shortest, session between Rep. John Boehner (Republican, Ohio) and Senator Harry Reid (Democrat, Nevada) as they made a last ditch effort to strike a deal.  The President, Barack Obama (Democrat, Kenya) was also present. Here it is:

Reid:  

Caesar ad sum iam forte

Brutus et erat

Caesar sic in omnibus

Brutus sic in at

Boehner:  Upidstay eastbay. Ixnay atthay. Etslay amscray.

Smokey, recognizing the problem immediately, turned to President Obama to provide mediation.  Obama smiled when he recognized the famous reporter and said politely, hubi, hubow ubare yubou?

Smokey sadly reports, “Negotiations are unlikely to produce a meaningful compromise in the near term.”

In other linguistic news, Donald Trump would like you not to remember that he told you Obama was not born in America.  Otgay atthay?

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StevieslawLighternote: Glenn Beck to Step Down. Myron to Get GED.

Posted on April 7, 2011 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw has learned from the Washington Post that super-patriot Glenn Beck—the only remaining survivor of the constitutional convention—will step down from Fox News.  This is big news at Stevieslaw—even bigger perhaps then the news that my cousin Myron will be getting his GED this summer, at the age of 54.  Myron is no professor, but would, as they say, give you the shirt off his back. And Glenn? Not so much.

I was so dismayed by the Beck news, that I had already listed my new, big screen TV on EBay, when the intrepid Smokey Diamond went out with a growl to track down the rest of the story.  Smokey got the whole story from his source at Fox News, Tattletail.  You will need to sit down for this.

Fox will be replacing Professor Beck with his half-brother, Newt Gingrich.  Newt will retain the general format of the Beck show for about half of his allotted time.  The second half of the show, which will capitalize on the success of “The Bachelor,” will have a frisky Gingy offering a one week marriage to an arbitrary woman in the audience.  I will need 3D TV for this!

On a lighter note, Stevieslaw has learned that in the event of a government shutdown, our soldiers will be issued IOUs instead of paychecks.  Presumably, the families of these soldiers, who are already living in the lap of luxury, can use the IOUs at the store to buy empty containers of milk, cereal and bread.  But don’t fret; our elected officials will get paid.

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StevieslawTip: Surviving a Government Shutdown

Posted on April 6, 2011 by stevieslaw

Smokey Diamond attended a town discussion last night about the potential government shutdown and what we, as citizens, might do to protect ourselves.  The meeting began with a frank discussion of what the Federal Government and its elected members do.  After several hours, the participants agreed on four items:

  1. They wage war(s).
  2. They deliver mail (although mostly junk and often not yours).
  3. Their members hurl barbs at one another continuously.
  4. Their members run for re-election.

The meeting concluded that the wars, wounding words and reelection campaigns will continue unabated.  To protect yourself against the loss of mail delivery, the group suggested stockpiling any junk mail that comes in the next few days and adding a bit of it to your mail box every day during the shutdown.  Be careful not to give yourself junk mail on Sunday.

Fox News was more forthcoming on just what to do.  Its spokesman, Ims Rich, suggested to following moves:

  1. Run through the supermarkets and drug stores, screaming “the end is near,” and empty shelves of bottled water, hard cheese, fruit loops and spaghetti—os.
  2. Wait on long lines to stock up on gasoline.
  3. Wait on even longer lines to stock up on Scotch.
  4. Make sure your household members are armed and frightened.

They suggest for those couple of citizens that depend on the government for some small measure of their welfare—such as social security recipients, veterans, other retirees, Medicare or Medicade recipients, government workers, cancer and heart disease researchers, etc., that they follow these simple rules.

  1. Take roughly a million dollars in cash from your lowest interest bank account or your worst performing stock.
  2. Exchange the money for cash in a currency more likely to survive the shutdown, Canadian comes to mind (editor’s note: hurry, there is just not that much Canadian currency out there).
  3. If you have friends or relatives living in a more stable place, such as Libya, Iraq or Pakghanistan, ask them to send the occasional care package (Fed Ex or UPS only).
  4. Avoid your better armed neighbors.
  5. Hunker down, munch cheese, drink scotch and watch Fox.
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StevieslawGoGetYours: Planning Your Stock Profile for the Republican Century

Posted on April 4, 2011 by stevieslaw

I sat down this morning to write a protest letter to Rep. Glenn Thompson about drilling for gas in the Delaware River Basin.  Instead, I started to laugh.  Is it possible to find a better way to waste your time than writing to Glenn about the environment?

So Smokey and I spent the morning talking about our finances.  I don’t know about you but our finances suffered from the little practical joke Wall Street and the Bankers recently put over on us.  We haven’t recovered quite as quickly as CitiBank. So, here is a little investment advice for your disposable income to use during the coming Republican Century.  No specific companies are mentioned.

The Obvious:

Armament and “Defense” Stock—These are always good, independent of the make-up of the government.  We have a Democrat and a Nobel Peace Prize winner running two and a half wars.  Smokey and I believe that expendables are the future—Cruise missiles are not reusable. Neither are the bombs the two sides in Libya are using to move desert sand around.

Energy—Under the Republicans, any stock with gas, oil, or electricity in its title is a sure thing.  It is also relatively easy to find combined armament and energy companies—hint, think of a major “electric” company that paid no tax this past year.

Services: There are a few good bets here.  Private prison providers come to mind.  Low end fast food restaurants, which can cater to the increasing number of working poor, are good as well.

Medical: Think of the dismantling of ObamaCare and you think immediately of the insane profits that the medical insurance companies will be reaping.  With the end of environmental protection, we are really bullish on an increase in the number of cancer diagnoses.  It’s got to skyrocket.  Pharmaceuticals are a good bet.

Less Obvious:

Communication: You can’t go wrong with the soon-to-be- State related TV network that rhymes with nox.

Environment: What is this doing here you wonder?  Think of drilling in a river basin that supplies a major city and you come up with?  No, of course it’s a disaster in the making, but how do you profit? We suggest you invest heavily in companies that bottle water.  It’s a no-brainer.  We also like the manufacturer of oxygen vending machines for city streets.  Have beachfront?  We, in State College, a few hundred miles from the current coastline, are seriously toying with building a beach club resort— a truly Republican answer to global warming.

Feel free to make use of these ideas.  Smokey and I can’t as we have just realized that we have no disposable income to invest.  Oh well… Dear Congressman Thompson: I protest…

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