StevieslawWeCanOnlyDream: The Church of the Flaming Koran

Posted on April 3, 2011 by stevieslaw

Terry Jones and followers to head to Pakghanistan

Smokey Diamond got the scoop from Terry Jones today about his plan to move his church and followers to a hillside just outside Kandahar.  Diamond admitted, “I wore a NASA style EVA suit for the interview. I was that afraid of catching cooties.”

Jones said, “My followers and I will be opening the church in Kandahar for several reasons.  For one, it will allow us to continue our fight against Islam at one of its centers, using our twin weapons of bibles and bigotry.”  “More importantly, it will give us much greater access to Korans, and at a much better price.”  “The church will feature a forty foot high cross and a tasteful neon sign announcing the coming of “The Church of the Flaming Koran.” ‘No one living within a 100 miles of the church will be able to ignore it,” he said with his final words.

Alas, it is just a dream.

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Stevieslaw: Filing the Short Form

Posted on April 2, 2011 by stevieslaw

I was going to spend today doing my income taxes, but I couldn’t control my typing. Every time I set out to enter StevieslawInc into my new tax software, my fingers would type something else —ge, ge, ge, ge, ge…sorry, there it goes again.  When I went to get a glass of milk from the Stevieslaw fridge to calm my ge, ge, ge, ge… nerves, I noticed that the fridge was made by GE.  The microwave is also and I bet ge, ge, ge, ge…if I look around I can find a few more appliances and even light bulbs made by them as well.

So this year I am simplifying my corporate taxes.  I will file the following:

StevieslawInc

A wholly owned subsidiary of GE

Please send our customary rebate.

I’m not at all sure what wholly owned subsidiary (WOS) means, but there are so many things I use in my day to day that I’m not all that sure of, I’m willing to give it a try.

By the way, the address of our legal defense fund is …ge, ge, ge, ge…..

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StevieslawGuesstheRest: Making Environmental Protection Less Confrontational in Pennsylvania

Posted on April 1, 2011 by stevieslaw

The story so far(from the CDT, 4/1/11): “Oil and gas inspectors policing Marcellus Shale developments in Pennsylvania will no longer be able to issue violations to the drilling companies they regulate without first getting the approval of top executives.”

GuesstheRest:  Kant Belibit, spokesman for the DECP—Department of Corporate and Environmental Protection, spoke to Smokey Diamond in the hope of clearing up any misconceptions.  “First,” she said, “this is not an April Fool’s joke.”  “Also, it is important to look at this at a pilot program, where Marcellus Shale is just the first of many corporate protection issues that we seek to make less confrontational. “As a second example, she said, “food inspection comes to mind.” “Remember,” she said emphatically, “consistency always trumps safety.”

 “It is important to recognize,” she continued, “the inspectors will still be able to make a difference.”  “They will be able to offer constructive criticism to the gas executives, from a carefully prepared script.” “They might say, for example, perhaps I can find a better place for you to dump that, or would you mind terribly if I posted no-fishing signs along this creek.”  Inspectors would also be able to strongly encourage gas industry workers with suggestions like, I wouldn’t drink that if I were you, or you may want to hold your breath, or even I’m sure the ambulance will be here any minute.”

Les Ruth, a spokesperson for Glenn Thompson—a Federal congressman—called us soon after this interview to offer an unsolicited comment.  Les said, “Glenn is particularly pleased when ideas generated at the State and Local level percolate up.”  “This idea will work just as well at the Federal level,” he continued,  “although, Glenn suggests it might be even better to refer any suspected violation to an unbiased committee made up of representatives of all America’s corporations.” “The committee might meet quite regularly—say on alternate February 29ths—to consider the alleged infractions.”

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Stevieslaw: Oh, To Be In Salem When Republicans Are There.

Posted on March 31, 2011 by stevieslaw

Our local newspaper, the CDT, quotes wire sources for the report that Republican lawmakers are asking the IRS to investigate the AARP, to determine whether or not they should retain their tax exempt status.  The lawmakers claim that AARP stands to make huge sums over the next ten years on health insurance plans made possible by Obamacare, and that is the reason they supported the health care legislation.

Our Smokey Diamond caught up with Ian Hollow, spokesperson for the Republican majority in the House.  In answer to Smokey’s questions, Mr. Hollow stated unequivocally “this is not some witchhunt.” “There are a pernicious set of myths that permeate American society and cause hard working American people to support things that are, in fact, against their own best interests.”  “We all know them,” he continued, “worker’s rights must be protected, women have unique health care needs, broadcasting choices should go beyond Fox news and American Idol, and now, older, retired people somehow, magically, require more health care than your average Joe.”  “What you end up with is Unions, Planned Parenthood, NPR, and AARP—groups we would all be better off without.” “Republicans,” he said, “have finally figured out that the best way to dispel the myths afflicting our great society is to attack the organizations these myths have created and fostered.”

Hollow assured Diamond that much more was in the works.  “We are closely examining the myth that workers at tax exempt organizations should be allowed to vote for Democrats, if they prefer them,” he said with his winning smile.

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Stevieslaw: Onion Snow

Posted on March 31, 2011 by stevieslaw

Onion Snow

On campus, we have

retained a few stately

trees, buds just forming

forty feet above the

stone gray concrete

path I use to make my

way to class.  I leave

my prints upon the

leavings of the last

snow of the season-

an onion snow we

called it once, the slow

and graceful, down-

fall of large and downy

flakes, that always

coats the walkways, as if

the winter had thrown

in a towel so large it

 hugs the whole near

world—the path, the

trees and the children’s

hair, as they march

doggedly wherever.

My prints will melt

with the snow before

the sun sets tonight.

The children will

vanish with the season.

And I, snowy hair

suddenly in fashion, old

coat buttoned to hide

my naked neck from frost,

hearing gone, sight slight,

feel as if I have walked

these old gray paths

forever, and will forever

still.  That tree and I,

silly in our coats of snow,

are old friends by now

and by the grace of god-

knows-what, we both

have been retained,

to welcome yet

the greening of

another spring.

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StevieslawGuesstherest: Ron Tomalis Talks School Budget Cuts.

Posted on March 30, 2011 by stevieslaw

The Issue: A proposed 1 billion dollar school budget cut by, man of the people, Governor Tom Corbett of Pennsylvania.

Education Secretary-nominee, Ron Tomalis defended the cuts by declaring, “I don’t think that dollars is the way that we drive achievement. I don’t think you can measure achievement in dollars and cents.  For instance, he said, he believes higher quality teachers, not necessarily more teachers and smaller classes, is more important to student achievement.

Guesstherest: Tomalis continued by noting it was his belief, “that a good challenge is the best way to attract higher quality teachers.”  “We believe by offering lower and lower salaries, much larger class sizes, only teacher supplied class materials, and best of all— very, very limited health and pension benefits, that we will attract the best teachers in the nation.”  “Moreover, he said, “our children will wish that they could grow up to be PA teachers, as well.”  “Of course,” he concluded, “that is sort of silly of them, with the kind of education we envision them getting.”

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StevieslawExclusive: Scooping the Fox News Poop.

Posted on March 28, 2011 by stevieslaw

Michelle Obama practices Chavezism

Our intrepid Smokey Diamond reports that Fox News will air an exclusive today that strongly links Michelle Obama to the Venezuelan Socialist Dictator Hugo Chavez.  “I felt there was an inordinate amount of travel to Caracas by Fox News reporters,” purred Smokey, “so I followed them to find out what they were up to.”  “The reporters were attending all of Hugo Chavez’s news conferences and were tracking his every word on Venezuelan television.”  “At first they seemed confused, but that improved when they hired a translator.” “And last night, after his televised speech, they packed up and left in a hurry.”

Smokey was able to catch Ronald Sauron, the mouth of Fox News, on the tarmac at what Ron still calls Idylwild Airport.  Sauron confirmed that they were watching Chavez closely and had months ago discovered the connection between him and first lady, Michelle Obama.  “Chavez has been dropping loaded words now for months, railing about things like TV and school violence and alcoholism,” he confided.  “It’s just the sort of thing we would expect to hear from Ms. Obama and we suspected it was much much more than coincidence.”  “Yesterday, when he went on and on about the dangers of obesity,” he continued, “we knew we had her.”  “Michelle Obama has long been in favor of government control of what we can eat,” he said.

“Like all our exclusives,” Sauron said, “Fox News will not actually accuse Ms. Obama of being a socialist follower of Chavez and a closet Hispanic, but will simply present the compelling factual evidence that she is.”  “We at Fox wonder just how closely Ms. Obama’s birth certificate has been studied, for example” he said.  “We also wonder why she is ashamed of admitting to her Hispanic background and how that will play out with our Hispanic voters.”

In other Fox News, Sauron was able to confirm that Fox’s scientific experts were willing to concede that the earth was probably “not flat,” if their colleagues on the left would stop promoting “all that dribble” about global warming.

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Stevieslaw: I Mean Mean

Posted on March 27, 2011 by stevieslaw

I’ve been carrying this word, mean, around with me for weeks now.  I’ll share.  Yes, I know you didn’t ask.  I will keep it short.

We seem to have lost one meaning of mean now that we need it most.  What a shame.

We use the word “mean” in many ways.  In statistics, it means “average” and is often different from the median or midpoint.  As a verb, we use it for to signify or to have in mind or to intend.  As an adjective—and as a noun —we use the word in at least three ways, although it seems that only one meaning is common. In today’s world, mean is hostile or rude, and I think it’s what your six year old has in mind when she complains that her eight year old brother is “being mean to me.”  It can also have the meaning of poor or in inferior circumstances.  There is nothing noble in being mean in this way—synonyms include base, beggarly or sordid.  But when my mother or father referred to someone as “mean,” they often as not meant it in the sense of “ungenerous.”  The synonyms are wonderful—close, mingy, miserly, niggard, parsimonious, penurious, rapacious, tight and tight fisted. 

My dad is gone now, but for him the word described not only the tight-fistedness that might be a reasonable reaction to living through the great depression, but also—and much, much closer to the point—an “ungenerousness” of spirit—a deep seated, humorless and ugly inability to be happy—to even fake happiness—for any success that others might have. For a spirit that recoils in spite and hate at any tiny advantage, deserved or undeserved, afforded to a neighbor, a relative, or a friend. 

My dad would have had little trouble then in placing the basic tenets of the Tea Party.  He would have understood the motives of the self-proclaimed patriots, the men and women who think that paying a tax, they can afford, to keep our public schools running is somehow an injustice.  He would have recognized them, our real and potential men and women of government, Sarah, Michelle and Scott, as mean—and he would have wondered, as a man of peace, kindness and generosity, what the hell had happened to his country.

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Newsbriefs You May Have Missed: Closing the Invasion Routes.

Posted on March 26, 2011 by stevieslaw

20. Jim DeMint declares Interstate Highway System Unconstitutional.

McClatchy Newspaper reporter, James Rosen, in an article in Thursday’s CDT, used the example of the invention by Dr. David Cull of a valve system for dialysis to highlight the politic wrangling over implementation of the new health care bill.  Cull was able to get a grant under a part of the new health care law that fosters biomedical innovation, although his Senator, Jim DeMint of S. Carolina, refused to write a letter in support of Cull’s application.  John C. Calhoun, spokesperson for DeMint said, “even though the success of this valve will ease the suffering of hundreds of thousands of Americans requiring dialysis and will save the taxpayer billions of dollars in Medicare costs, it is more important for Senator DeMint to remain ideologically pure in refusing to have anything to do with the unconstitutional “Obamacare” bill.” John C. went on to point out that, “Senator DeMint’s strong ideological position in the support of human suffering is not new, but has been the model used by organized religion for some 2000 years.”

Smokey Diamond was down in Greenville, S. Carolina for the rest of the story.  He finds that opposition to unconstitutional “Obamacare” is only the very tip of the iceberg.  “Jim DeMint finds it very odd,” continued Calhoun, “that the Federal Interstate Highway System runs both North and South and East and West through all of the major cities of the Sovereign State of S. Carolina.”  “Jim echoes the feelings of most S. Carolinians when he calls Interstate 95, the obvious federal invasion route from the north.”  “He will introduce legislation in the Senate to deny funds to the unconstitutional Federal Highway Administration in an attempt to bring down the interstate system.”  “Failing that,” Mr. Calhoun went on, “We will take action.”  “In S. Carolina, it is not hard to imagine employing large numbers of undesirables, in what might be termed “Chain Gangs,” to dig up the Interstates.”

We are very happy to report that Smokey Diamond, perhaps the working definition of an undesirable, returned safely from S. Carolina.

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StevieslawCulturalUpdate: Times Twitter

Posted on March 25, 2011 by stevieslaw

StevieslawCulturalUpdate: Times Twitter

In last Sunday’s NY Times, Week in Review section, Randy Kennedy wrote of Tweet Lit.  He spoke of “Twitterature,” a  book of 80 works of Western literature boiled down into Twitter messages, Science Fiction and Mystery work that uses the format, and an apparently successful Twitter Haiku movement—termed Twaiku.  The WIR went on to ask four poets, including two former poet laureates—Billy Collins and Robert Pinsky—to write poems within Twitter’s text limit of 140 characters, title and author not included.  They also provided a site to share your own verse on, hash tag #poetweet.  Here are the Collins and Pinsky poems along with one of mine:

Twitter Poem

The poem creates a space

It hides in a tent in the forest.

Making its own bed it falls asleep in the dark,

wakes up under a lamp or the sun.

Low Pay Piecework

The fifth-grade teacher and her followers-

Five classes, twenty-eight in each, all hers:

One-hundred-and-forty different characters.

Space saver

Today, wind barely

stirs the balding trees, 

the sun’s a sallow

yellow, like the yolk of

a chicken-free egg, and

I have no room to daydream.

I really liked Teeny tiny poem by Elizabeth Alexander

Teeny tiny poem/just enuf 2hold/1

xlient big word/Impluvium/open-eyed

courtyard/collecting rain/as all poems do/

skylife, open/birds do:/tweet.

Give it a try.

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