StevieslawScold: What part of the program didn’t you understand?

Posted on March 11, 2011 by stevieslaw

For decades, the new Republicans have been telling us that running up huge deficits is in their interest, as someday it will allow them to cut the heart out of domestic spending.  They have been telling us that they would like nothing better than to shred the New Deal.  The newpubs even constructed their own news channel to remind us about the coming cuts, 24 hours a day.  Now, their time has come. And in spite of the dire straits they claim we are in, what is so striking about the people making cuts in education or workers rights or unemployment benefits around the nation is how happy they seem to be in doing it.  In Florida, Governor Rick Scott—man of the people, tells the Republican supermajority in his legislature, “Don’t blink, just cut,” as if he were at war with the workers of his own state. What courage!

So, to the 58% of Americans who didn’t vote in the 2010 midterm elections and with special focus on the 77.2% of those between the ages of 18 and 29 who didn’t vote in 2010—because an hour of their time is just too valuable to be wasted on electing people who are not heartless—what part of their program didn’t you understand?  It can be your country too. Take it back. Vote.

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StevieslawBrief: Corbett Declares Pennsylvanians Are Smart Enough

Posted on March 10, 2011 by stevieslaw

Republicans declare an end to public education is on the horizon.

Tommy Corbett, republican governor of Pennsylvania and man of the people, announced in his new budget yesterday a one billion dollar cut in public education spending and a huge cut in state spending on higher education.  Stanley Miser, spokesperson for Corbett told our own Smokey Diamond, “We’ve done the analysis and are happy to report that public education has worked remarkably well. The citizens of Pennsylvania are now smart enough.”  “The time has come,” he continued, “to return the money we would normally spend on public education to the hard working taxpayers of the state so they can shop.”

Educators, using very small words, have vowed to fight back.  Graham Spanier, president of Penn State University— an institution that faces a 52% cut in state money, declared that the University is considering the nuclear option.  “We never thought it would come to this,” said Spanier, “but if the state does not restore our budget we will fire Coach Paterno and cancel the 2012 football season.”  “Don’t mess with higher education,” he warned.

Smokey Diamond also questioned Mr. Miser on reports that Pennsylvania has been rounding up habitually poor people, giving them “have a nice day” buttons, and shipping them in cattle cars to New York City, as a way of further reducing the State’s budget.  Stanley responded by calling the report “a blatant lie that is being spread by the overeducated elite.”  “There is no such program,” he flatly stated.” “And even if there were,” he added, “we certainly wouldn’t start it until after the weather improved.”

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Stevieslawslant: The Ferocious Race to the Bottom

Posted on March 7, 2011 by stevieslaw

Killing the Middle Class is Serious Work in Florida

Step back Wisconsin.  Governor Rick Scott, man of the people, and the Florida legislature have thrown down the gauntlet in the tightening race to see which state can be most effective at “sticking it to the worker.” The governor, as you may recall, is best known for his ability to avoid jail time following his company’s conviction on Medicare fraud.  Maria Heroux Pounds, writing for the South Florida Sun Sentinel, notes “advocacy groups predict that Florida residents who lose their jobs will get fewer unemployment benefits than residents in any other state if a house bill reducing benefits in passed.”

Smokey Diamond, our investigative reporter—who burns rather than tans—braved the searing Florida sun to help get the rest of the story.  He spoke to Orwell Smug, the mouthpiece of the governor.  “The big news for the other states trying to catch up, in the “screw the worker” competition, is that unemployment benefits have pumped over 9 billion dollars into the Florida economy since the recession began,” said Smug. “We are cutting benefits in spite of the obvious good it does for the state.” “Take that Wisconsin,” said Orwell, pumping his plump fist in the air.” “And when asked why,” continued Smug with a grin, “we just tell them it is to “improve the business climate,” a statement so ridiculous that polls show no one on the planet can be made to believe it.” “You just can’t top that kind of moronic behavior,” said Smug. “Let the other states try.”

Smug couldn’t help finishing the interview by asking a question of his own. “You have a job, Diamond, he queried, “Why should you care?”

In a related story, TV pundit and last surviving member of the constitutional convention, Glenn Beck, stated today that the words “promote the general welfare,” in the preamble to the Constitution of the United States contained an obvious misspelling. “What we meant to write was, “promote the general’s welfare,” a clear reference to the health and happiness of General George Washington,” said Beck.

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A Stevieslawslant: Former Nazi Youth Member Decries Guilt by Association

Posted on March 4, 2011 by stevieslaw

Pope Benedict says Jews Not Guilty. No Harm Done. Gingrich to Convert.

News services around the world have reported that Pope Benedict XVI has personally exonerated Jews for the 2000 year old murder of Jesus Christ, a popular prophet.   Benedict wrote that “although the investigative powers of the Church have been strained to the limit by the need to root out a few cases of priestly child abuse, we were finally able to move the Christ case to the front of the pew.” “Our lengthy investigation has revealed that the Temple elders, rather than the people of Israei in general, should be held responsible for Christ’s death.” Stanley Lem, spokesman for the Roman branch of the Catholic Church said, “Thank god, no harm has come to the innocent during the rigorous 2000 year review of the evidence.”

Our investigative wizard Smokey Diamond, who interviewed a whole bunch of Jews at Manny’s deli in Boca Raton, found them generally unimpressed by the Pope’s sentiment.  Marty Abrams, dining on the chop liver platter (lunch special #7), summed up the Jewish sentiment by remarking, “who gives a rat’s ass.”  In stark contrast to the Jewish reaction, comedians around the world have loudly applauded the Pope’s statement.  “You just can’t make this sort of material up,” said comedian Colby Stuart.

In a closely related story, serial-divorcer, baptist/catholic, presidential hopeful, Newt Gingrich announced that he is changing his name to Murray Gingfeld and converting to Judaism. Within five minutes of Gingfeld’s announcement, well over a million people had volunteered to “help” with his circumcision.

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My entry Half Broke Schwinns won for best parody

Posted on March 3, 2011 by stevieslaw

Dear Entrant,

We were thrilled to receive a great number of entries to the CALS/CCR “Family” Writing Contest. The judges and I appreciate very much your interest in the contest and the opportunity to read your work. Final decisions were extremely difficult to arrive at, the judges report, a testament to the overall quality of the entries. Without further ado, here are the winners:

“Family” Writing Contest Winners:

Grand Prize Winner: Michelle K. Baker, Penn State Ph. D. candidate in the College of Communications, for “Wednesdays at the Q-Tip Diner”

Best Short Nonfiction: Lucy Green, Penn State MFA student, for “The Rule of Magic”

Best Short Fiction:      Ben DeMeter, Penn State senior, for “Dig”

Honorable Mention: V. Jo Hsu, Penn State MFA student, for “Ghost Money”

Best Parody: Steven Deutsch, Centre County resident, for “Half-Broke Schwinns”

Best under-18 entry: a tie, between Margaret Rothrock, Centre County resident age 13, for “True Story” and Katrina A. Verlinde, Centre County resident age 12, for “The Blizzard Family”

 

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Not So Fast, Not So Fast

Posted on February 28, 2011 by stevieslaw

Not So Fast, Not So Fast

Today, a grim wintry gray

has overtaken the brightness,

that had us dreaming of spring.

It is often that way, here

in the shadow of the great lakes.

At the edge of my small land,

the icy roof of an old shed,

has frozen and refrozen so

often it has finally collapsed,

and for one moment I feel as

cold and crushed as that old roof.

A black bedraggled bird,

that overwinters and lives on

god knows what, shudders in

sound from a power line above.

Its hoarse caw sounds to me like,

Not so fast, not so fast.

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StevieslawNeoBard Department: To Fract or Not to Fract.

Posted on February 28, 2011 by stevieslaw

StevieslawNeoBard Department: To Fract or not to Fract.

Hydrofracting uses huge amounts of water laced with sand and chemicals under high pressure to break up rock formations and release natural gas.  It leaves the wastewater both polluted with some chemicals we currently do not remove in sewage treatment plants and radioactive.  If we burn natural gas instead of oil or coal; however, it will produce less air pollution and global climate change.  So, what is it to be?  Don’t breathe the air, or don’t drink the water?  Fear not, our best minds on it.

The Options:

  1. The Obama option: Produce a compromise document of about 11 million pages that gets about half of it right.  The states can burn the documents instead of gas, oil, or coal.
  2. The Republican Option: Let business work through the problem, relying on the free enterprise system and good old American ingenuity.  When it comes to pollution, when has big business ever failed us?
  3. The Religious Option: It’s god’s will.
    1. Liberal churches may plan a Sunday sing-along for clean air and water.
    2. Conservative churches can have fiery sermons about why god hates gays and America.

    4. The NASA option: Move to Mars. It has little atmosphere and water.  It will take   us  centuries to screw it up.

    5. The Liberal Option: Write a check.

    6. The Conservative Option: Get a Check.

    7. The Greenpeace Option: Power the planet with ear wax.

    8. The Palin option. Stop using big words.

       9. The Scotty Walker Option: Blame the lame.

     10.   The Public Option: Wow. American Idol is on three times this week!

Have some options of your own to add?

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Stevieslaw: Shortly, Spring.

Posted on February 27, 2011 by stevieslaw

Shortly, Spring

Today, a brightness has overtaken

the grim wintry gray we suffer here,

in the shadow of the great lakes.

Our walkways are still patched

with the grease of black ice, that

makes walking a test of uprightness.

But, in the fence corner, at the edge

of my small land, I listen to the

trickle of freed water as it slides

off the edge of an old shed roof,

and speaks eloquently of the spring.

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StevieslawFeature: Smokey’s Song of the Month

Posted on February 26, 2011 by stevieslaw

February 2011: A month for watching the smoke rise from the chimney of a house you once lived in.

American Tune–Paul Simon

A (words by Paul Simon music by JS Bach)
Many’s the time I’ve been mistaken,
And many times confused
And I’ve often felt forsaken,
And certainly misused.
But it’s all right, it’s all right,
I’m just weary to my bones
Still, you don’t expect to be
Bright and Bon Vivant
So far away from home,
So far away from home.

I don’t know a soul who’s not been battered
Don’t have a friend who feels at ease
Don’t know a dream that’s not been shattered
Or driven to it’s knees.
But it’s all right, all right,
We’ve lived so well so long
Still, when I think of the road we’re traveling on,
I wonder what went wrong,
I can’t help it
I wonder what went wrong.

And I dreamed I was flying.
I dreamed my soul roseunexpectedly,
And looking back down on me,
Smiledreassuringly,
And I dreamed I was dying.
And far above, my eyes could clearly see
The Statue of Liberty,
Drifting away to sea
And I dreamed I was flying.

We come on a ship we call the Mayflower,
We come on a ship that sailed the moon
We come at the age’s most uncertain hour
And sing the American tune
But it’s all right, it’s all right
You can’t be forever blessed
Still, tomorrow’s gonna be another working day
And I’m trying to get some rest,
That’s all, I’m trying to get some rest.

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Newsbriefs You May Have Missed: U.S. to Opt Out.

Posted on February 26, 2011 by stevieslaw

16. Tragic Misspelling in Pakghanistan is Costly

Chivers, Rubin and Morgan, reporting for the NY Times on Friday in an article almost as confusing as the war itself, broke the news that the U.S. military was pulling its forces from the Pech Valley.  The U.S. command had described the valley as “central to the campaign against the Taliban and Al Qaeda,” on Thursday.  Marvin Acedia, spokesperson for Maj. General Campbell the commander for Eastern Pakghanistan, explained through a world weary smile that, “we were in the wrong valley.”  “We are embarrassed to have to say,” he said, “that our translators failed us here, and we ended up in the Pech Valley because of a misspelling.”  Acedia went on to say that, “you needn’t worry, as we have the valley central to the campaign under our control.” “Security concerns prevent me from providing any additional information—such as the location of the valley central to our campaign.”  The Times reporters went on to describe how the Soviets had realigned their troops away from the Pech Valley in 1988, also because of a spelling mistake.  Soon after, the Soviets got to go home.

A related NYTimes article details the demand of the Head of the Pakghanistani Spy agency (ISI) for the names of all CIA contractors.  The CIA has made it quite clear through its chief spokesperson, who could not be named or photographed, that in spite of the occasional snag, cooperation with ISI is “strong and healthy.”  We interviewed an ISI spokesman, who could not be named or photographed, at the weekly NATO fuel truck burning and mixer. The spokesman agreed with the CIA assessment and went on to say, “We only want the contractor’s names so that we can hunt them down and kill them like dogs.”

We found Stanley Spade, spokesperson for all the Pakghanistani contractors, at the International flight counter at Kabul Airport. Stanley would only say, “Is that my flight? Where the hell is my flight?” General Petraeus, safely tucked away in his super secret bunker, under the State Capitol in Madison, Wisconsin, could not be reached for comment.

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