Stevieslaw: Republicans Fight Back

Posted on September 21, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Republicans Fight Back
U.S. Secretary of State, John Kerry, announced last night that the United States would accept four more refugees from oppression. The four, all recipients of the Nobel Peace Prize, are over the age of 87. Republicans are livid. Said Sen. Chuck Grassley of Iowa and Rep. Bob Goodlatte of Virginia, “Once again Obama has exceeded his authority. We know that ISIS and other terrorist groups are using the “refugee issue” to infiltrate our nation, how do we know that one or more of these four is not a terrorist?”
Fox News warned that they had unimpeachable evidence that two of the four were practicing Muslims. “All hell will break loose should they be admitted,” said Sean Hannity. “It will be the end of America as we know it.”
Republicans plan to block the funding of all social programs that cater to the poor and disadvantaged until the four are deported. Congressional hearings—held between votes to defund Obamacare and disapprove the Iran deal, will be held as soon as possible. “Shutting down the government is an option, “ said Goodlatte.

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | 34 Comments

Stevieslaw: Top Ten Reasons to Shut Down the Government

Posted on September 17, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Top Ten Reasons to Shut Down the Government
The Republicans in Congress have just a released a definitive statement on the reasons they must shut down the federal government. Ted Cruz, who is planning to read during the filibuster, noted that “It’s a fun event for a week or two and only the desperately poor and defenseless will be bothered.” The top ten reasons are:
1. To defund Obamacare
2. To defund Planned Parenthood
3. To prevent the American Army from invading the Sovereign State of Texas
4. To stop the Iran Nuclear Treaty
5. To protest the war on Christian values
6. To remove the plaque containing “The New Colossus” from the Statue of Liberty
7. To finally overturn the “New Deal.”
8. To thwart the climate change fanatics by eliminating regulations on burning stuff
9. To reduce the size of the government to a guy named Harvey, and most importantly,
10. To protest the fact that a portrait of Ayn Rand will not grace the new $10 bill.
Have a reason so crazy that the Republicans haven’t come up with it. Really? Must be a doozy. Add it on in the comments.

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: Republicans to Do Double Duty

Posted on September 11, 2015 by stevieslaw

Our tireless Republican legislators have taken on another major issue—effectively doubling their work load. No, it’s not the impending loss of our government’s ability to pay its bills that concerns these hard working ideologues. No, it’s not our failing infrastructure. No, it’s certainly not global warming.
As Mitch McConnell said this morning about the failed vote to disapprove the Iran nuclear treaty, “No amount of saying this issue is over makes it over.” Clearly, their intention is to revisit this issue again and again—adding it to their never ending campaign to roll back Obamacare. “Just as Obamacare has killed our country, the Iran deal will destroy the world,” said McConnell spokesperson, Alla I. Slost. “Scheduling votes on these two issues will be difficult,” Slost admitted, “But we will buckle down and get it done even it everything else goes rapidly to hell.”

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: Fact or fiction?

Posted on September 6, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Fact or Fiction?
Yale forestry researcher, Thomas Crowther, reports that there are roughly 3 trillion trees now on earth. Wow! And in 300 years, if we project from the current loss of trees there will be none. He mostly blames people, as they cut down about 15 billion trees a year and only replant 5 billion.
As expected, Obama has weighed-in, asking the EPA to limit clear cutting and mandate the planting of more trees. Once again, he used the Clean Air Act as justification. While Democrats have applauded his action, Republicans claim that the death of trees happens naturally and man is not to blame. They further argue that this blatantly, unconstitutional use of the Clean Air Act will kill hundreds of thousands of highpayingjobs for hardworkingamericanworkers in the tree harvesting industry. In a speech this Thursday, Obama pointed out that better jobs in the tree planting, cultivation and management industry will more than make up for any job loss. The Republicans countered by saying that the science and technology necessary to plant trees is largely unknown and that any attempt to scale up to a large program is not cost-effective and doomed to failure.
In a related development, Google has announced that it will begin taking high definition photographs of the world’s most majestic trees over the next several years. To enhance the value of the photographs, Google will cut the trees down after documenting them. Images of the trees will be available free to Google Prime members and for a small fee to others.

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: The NRA Hour: Bang, Bang, Who’s Dead

Posted on September 4, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: The NRA Hour: Bang, Bang, Who’s Dead?
Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter at Stevieslaw, has just learned that a new Reality TV show with the catchy title of “Bang, Bang, Who’s Dead,” has entered production. The show was able to overcome significant legal hurdles with the help of the National Rifle Association, which is also funding it. In the show, to be hosted by Alex Trebek, heavily armed groups or individuals will be teased into ferocious arguments by a team of trained psychologists as our panel of four ordinary citizens—each teamed with an amazing celebrity, eagerly watches the action. The live feed will break away just before shots are fired and the panel will have to decide who was shot and killed. Four shootings are planned for each hour-long episode.
After a lively discussion and vote, the panel and the TV audience will be treated to footage of the murder and its aftermath from every conceivable angle, answering a question once posed by Phil Ochs in his song “Crucifixion”—“Do you have a picture of the pain?,” with a resounding yes!
Right-wing Celebs who have already agreed to appear include Clint Eastwood, Ann Coulter and Ted Nugent. The panel winner will receive $10,000, a fully automatic rifle and a lifetime supply of armor piercing ammunition. Family members and friends of the victims will be consoled.
Smokey, dressed from head to toe in Kevlar, predicted, “This show is sure to make the Kardashian soap opera seemed lame and tame.”

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: My God

Posted on September 3, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: My God
Radical fundamentalists of all stripes have certainly been in the forefront of the news this year, what with, ISIS beheading non-believers and destroying ancient ruins that offend them, the Taliban once again on the offensive in Pakghanistan, and Israelis settlers burning babies on the West Bank in an arson spree. American radical fundis have yet to hit their stride, although their hearts are in the right place. Here in Kentucky, we have a county clerk refusing to obey a Supreme Court ruling to issue marriage licenses because she is governed only by the “will of god.” What fundamentalist anywhere would have trouble identifying with that? As my Cousin Myron is fond of saying, “If god isn’t dead, he is probably contemplating suicide.”
Now, we have learned that the different radical fundamentalist groups have been engaged in a dialogue on the lively website: “ihateyoudiealready.” They plan to have it out in a year- long godoff, in which it will be determined which god reigns supreme. Each group will destroy a medium size city—drawn completely by chance, in a lottery supervised by Fox News. Imagine ISIS marching into Wichita screaming “my god is great.” Beat that you Hindus!
Some difficult decisions have already been made. Christian fundamentalists have chosen not to revive “Onward Christian Soldiers,” instead opting for a rewrite of the Ken L. Ration dog food commercial. We applaud this heartwarming, fundamentally American decision. They will march into Tabriz singing:
My god’s bigger than your god
My god’s bigger than yours
My god’s bigger and he eat lesser gods
My god’s bigger than yours.
Should be a helluva a year, provided global warming doesn’t drown us all first.

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: Welcome to Dodge

Posted on August 28, 2015 by stevieslaw

We often compare a place with a history of extreme violence with Dodge, a city at the edge of the cattle trail that we associate with drunken cowboys—who are flush with cash and looking for whisky, women, poker and a good gunfight. Actually, as the press has pointed out, Dodge City was tamed early on by very strict gun laws. When you came into town, you hung your six-shooter on a peg. Those that didn’t were fair game for the local sheriffs.
Here at Stevieslaw, we were curious what Americans might make of this, so we posed four possibilities and allowed for a vote. The choices were:
1. Wyatt Earp and Bat Masterson were lily-livered liberal dupes who disrespected the American way.
2. The Texas Board of Education has fallen down on its job of rewriting the history of Dodge City.
3. Sure, that was true in the 1880’s, but that was long before the 2nd Amendment was ratified.
4. Sensible gun laws save lives.
The general public voted overwhelmingly (87%) for number 4. The Republican candidates for President were also nearly unanimous in their choice, with all but one voting for number 3. The exception, Donald Trump, went with number 1, because in his words—“That Wyatt Earp was a real loser.”
Actually, with the NRA in firm control of our political process, we all are the real losers.

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: Obama Did It

Posted on August 24, 2015 by stevieslaw

American conservatives are seizing on the timing of the end to the Obama’s vacation on Martha’s Vineyard on Sunday and the crash of the stock market on Monday. “Clearly, said spokepeson David Tuoplusto, the markets anticipate that with Obama back in town, it won’t be long before he is illegally signing executive orders for more regulations that will destroy the highpayingjobs of hardworkingAmericans.” “Vacation is the only thing he does well,” continued Mr. Tuoplusto, “and though it is barely believable, our experience indicates that a President Hilary would be worse.”

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: Republican Candidates Shocked by Study

Posted on August 21, 2015 by stevieslaw

We have just learned that a blue ribbon panel, appointed by the RNC to advise their Presidential candidates on science, has concluded that all immigrants, even those here illegally, are of the same species as the rest of us—that is Human. “It is reasonable to assume, for example, said Asit Is, chair of the committee that they, just like us, aspire to make things better for themselves and their families.”
Said RNC Publicist, Wy Me, “If only we had known. I suppose it makes some of the things we have been saying seem a bit heartless.”
Ted Cruz was hopping mad about the report. “I’m sorry we started the whole business,” he said. “What’s next, he continued, a ruling on the equality of women?”

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college, Uncategorized | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Stevieslaw: The Rednecks are coming. The Rednecks are coming.

Posted on August 19, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: The Rednecks are coming. The Rednecks are coming.
Our local newspaper, the CDT, in a largely successful effort to avoid reporting actual news, picked up a story today from Patrick Whittle of the AP that describes the migration of the lobster population from Southern New England to the cooler waters off the coast of Maine and Canada. The lobsters, apparently unable to understand or to follow the Republican dictum that there is no global warming, are selfishly moving North rather than allowing themselves to be slowly stewed in place. While there has been no public outcry because the price of lobster has remained the same, many Canadians are becoming alarmed.
Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, was fortunate enough to speak to Fiorina Donald, a very successful Canadian businesswomen with, many say, political aspirations.
Fiona was quick to summarize Canada’s concerns. “Over the next 50 years or so, the American South will become so hot that it will only be useful as a place to store nuclear waste. Americans will look to migrate to Canada to escape the weather. We understand that the first wave of American immigrants will be the usual bunch of rapists, violent criminals and the insane that you wish to get rid of. We can handle that. It is the second wave of Americans that is likely to overwhelm us. Typically, they will be gun-toting, bible thumping Texans who see a conspiracy hatching behind every rock. They will advance upon Canada in pickup trucks full to the brim with snotty kids and pregnant wives. And they will arrive with a firm belief in their moral superiority and will wonder why the native born Canadians have not been confined to some sort of Reservation. Have you heard the slogan, “The only good Canadian is a dead Canadian?”
You will.”
Ms. Donald was very clear that this wholesale destruction of Canada will not be allowed to happen. “I am proposing that we build a wall between us and the United States. If we are clever enough in citing American National Security, we can probably get the Yanks to foot the bill”.

Posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment