Stevieslaw: Trump’s Chicken; Clinton’s Egg

Posted on September 16, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Trump’s Chicken; Clinton’s Egg.

Here at Stevieslaw, we were frankly confused by the news cycle. For example, Trump’s statement that he could gun down someone on Fifth Avenue and get away with it, faded with the sun; while Clinton’s cough seems likely to occupy the news until at least Election Day. We suspected media bias. Sean Hannity of Fox News was kind enough to sit down with us and explain. He told us that what we took for media bias was simply the logical result of media point of view.

“Consider the following two stories that we ran with,” Hannity said.

In the first, we found out by some brilliant investigative reporting that Trump raises chickens on his upstate estate. He has no use for the meat or the eggs, but to help him unwind from a particularly trying day, he massacres the chickens by flying over in his personal helicopter, which is armed with air to air missiles, flame throwers, and a pair of very high powered machine guns. He reports his results on Twitter. Today, for example, he twittered “got two roosters with one burst–huge!”

In the second, Hillary Clinton had breakfast at a local restaurant at a campaign stop in Topeka. She had two fried eggs, toast, home fries and coffee, and perhaps a small orange juice.

In the first story, we focused on the chickens. Many urbanites are raising chickens and Trump is the consummate urbanite. The headline read “Trump, the billionaire candidate from New York City, unwinds by raising chickens. We showed clips of various city dwellers raising chickens in their small yards and interviewed an expert about the various breeds. In the second story, we focused on the eggs. That, we decided, was the heart of the story. The headline read: “Hungry Hillary devours the Unborn,” and the story logically featured protests outside of Planned Parenthood clinics as babies wailed in the background.”

“So you see,” concluded Hannity,”It is not media bias you are witnessing.” “It is merely the media following through with a story from a compelling point of view.” “You know–you chose the chicken or choose the egg.”

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Stevieslaw: Clinton’s Ravishing Disease

Posted on September 15, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Clinton’s Ravishing Disease
Alldatrut, a Brooklyn based blog that Smokey and I follow religiously (we love to say “what the…”), has just published a definitive analysis of Hillary Clinton’s health problems. Mrs. Clinton is not suffering from a common form of pneumonia, but has acquired the hugely contagious and deadly strain brought on by the bug—pneumoniococcuspharoahextremis. The blog says, authoritatively, that Ms. Clinton acquired the disease when she and her husband, Bill, using the Clinton Foundation as a front, despoiled the tomb of Pharaoh, No-name-on-the-door-Re, and made off with the gold.
There is no cure for the ailment, which is known to be responsible for many of mankind’s worst calamities. Among the host of historic events laid at its door are the black plague, the sinking of the Titanic, global warming, the death of Bambi’s mother, the sinking of Atlantis, and the rise of Ted Cruz. Be careful! This disease can be acquired just by watching Hillary speak on TV.
Dr. Los M.Y. Licens, a consultant with Fox News, confirmed that Hillary is a breeding ground for the deadly bug. “Symptoms vary,” said Licens, “as the disease causes the patient to take on the symptoms of every disease mentioned, by anyone, anywhere, and anytime. Someone just murmuring “Parkinson’s Disease,” at a garden party would cause Ms. Clinton to shake and stumble. It is my experience, continued Dr. Licens, that only strong leaders—like Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin, whose systems fight off disease like Superman fights off bullets, are immune.”
Dr. Licens went on to note that, if elected, Clinton would not only be our first female President, but would also be our first President to spend her entire term in quarantine. “There is no doubt, he concluded with a winning Fox News smile, “Mrs. President will live and work is the White House bubble.”

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A Last Lab Report

Posted on September 2, 2016 by stevieslaw

http://newversenews.blogspot.com/

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Stevieslaw: A good kick in the pants

Posted on August 29, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: A Good Kick in the Pants
I liked to visit my mother at the nursing home in the mornings. She loved to be served breakfast. She would sit in the big easy chair we had salvaged from her home, like a queen on her throne, and savor the food on her tray—usually something like oatmeal and stewed prunes, as she watched some talk show or other. She’d have the sound up to a level that would make a jack-hammerer wince. She never used her hearing aids.
I walked in one morning to find her pointing at the TV and shouting, “It’s the Real Deal.” But when I glanced over at the TV, all I saw was Donald Trump in full rant.
When she had calmed down, my mom spent the next few minutes trying to convince me that the guy on TV was a professional wrestling from the WWWF era.
“He called himself the “Real Deal,” she said, “But we all knew he was silver- spooner.”
I remembered that mom would watch professional wrestling on our small black and white screen almost every night. She would twist and turn in her chair as she watched, as if to give the wrestlers hints and encouragements.
“He was more mouth than moves,” she said. “He would wear a cheap orange wig and shorts to match. He would often lose the wig.”
“Not much of a wrestler,” she continued, “But he was fun to watch—his mouth never stopped moving non-stop insults. He gave hundreds of interviews. His catch phrase was that he was going to make professional wrestling great again.”
She went on to tell me that she had watched the Real Deal lose matches to some of the greats—like Crazy Luke Graham, Dr. Jerry and Tarzan Tyler.
“Ric Flair once had him in a figure four leglock for about ten minutes,” she said. The Deal was screeching so that the ref couldn’t stop laughing long enough to stop the match.”
Mom grew thoughtful for a moment as she watched the present day Donald Trump talk about deporting eleven million immigrants, building a wall, and preventing Muslims from entering America.
“He could use a good kick in the pants,” she said and went back to her coffee.

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Stevieslaw: One a Day

Posted on August 3, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: One a Day
Trump Industries has begun marketing a “Make America Great Again,” pill under the brand name, “Believe Me.” “Believe Me,” will be sold through the mail and on street corners and will be heavily advertised.”
“Ads for Believe Me will completely replace traditional campaign ads,” said Trump spokesperson, Adam Smith. “Campaign ads are for losers,” continued Adam.
The pills, which must be taken once a day from now until Election Day, work on an amazing “event release” mechanism (patent pending) discovered by Trump in his penthouse laboratory. Because of event release, “Believe Me” will have no noticeable effect until Donald Trump is elected President of the United States.
“As soon as that happens,” said Mr. Smith, “the pills will activate and everything you hate will disappear and be replaced by everything you love. There is nothing to know or to do. Very, very quickly the liberal Supreme Court Justices will resign, ISIS will disappear and your mother, dead for nearly twenty years, will reanimate to make you a batch of those blueberry pancakes you have been missing.”
“The pills are a real bargain at $1.99 each,” said Smith. “We are able to keep the price down by making them in China.” “Make sure to order yours today.”
Smith was careful to note that the pills were not recommended for children under three years old, who already believe wishful thinking is the way the world works.

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Stevieslaw: The Persistence of Memory

Posted on July 20, 2016 by stevieslaw

The Persistence of Memory

And there it is,
something sweet
from who knows where–
an arrival as unsuspected
as finding,
upon your doorstep,
something old and dear
you never knew you’d lost.

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Stevieslaw: Dear John Q. Public

Posted on July 15, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Dear John Q. Public
Hi John Q:
Well I’m off on my seven week paid vacation. I’m afraid that once again my colleagues and I got almost nothing done. But why pretend that you care? We will patch together something or other to keep things running when we get back. You won’t notice.
It’s not a real vacation anyway—I take those on the job. I will be spending the next few weeks getting myself reappointed—reelected we still call it, though I can’t imagine why. We’ve rigged the system and most of you don’t vote. I will be everywhere—shaking hands, kissing babies and talking, always talking. Don’t worry that I might overexert—talking is the one thing I do really well.
So come see me in Podunk this month or next. I will be at the local high school. The Civics club will have refreshments—lemonade and chocolate chip cookies, I imagine—so you can munch and sip while I tell you, and tell you, and tell you how tirelessly I have been pursuing your interests. And you will listen raptly, shake your empty heads and decide that while all the others in Congress are scalawags and snake oil salesmen, your Congressman—thank the lord, is the salt of the earth.

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Stevieslaw: Republicans draw the line at beheadings

Posted on July 13, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Republicans draw the line at beheadings
In a contentious, fourteen hour debate, moderates defeated an amendment to the Republican Platform that would have allowed for the “beheading, boiling in oil, or burning at the stake of perverts.” The amendment was defeated by a scant 4 votes. The platform had previously defined “pervert” to include homosexuals, transgenders, atheists and people with suspicious moles or visible tattoos.
F. M. Values, spokesperson for Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council and author of much of the platform, said “Tony was able to contain his anger—recognizing that completely purging America of perversity will take time.”
Still, the Republican platform, if enacted, will essentially erase all social change that occurred after the Protestant reformation (1517-1648).
“Tony was particularly pleased that an amendment recommending “conversion therapy camps” for perverts was passed by a solid majority. As Mr. Perkins is fond of saying, said Mr. Values, “Conversion will set you free.”

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Stevieslaw: The NRA’s Banner Year

Posted on July 12, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: The NRA’s Banner Season
The research arm of the NRA has concluded that every single homicidal maniac in the nation is now armed. “We reached everyone,” said Spokesperson, Armed Hammer, “from the criminally insane actively frothing at the mouth to the quietly insane—those with a death wish and the certain knowledge that the world has been singularly unfair to them. If they all go over the edge together, their combined fire power is larger than that of all the ordinance ever expended in all the wars ever fought.”
Mr. Hammer went on to thank the little people. “If it weren’t for our friends in Congress—bought and paid for by your membership dollars, we never could have accomplished this amazing feat. They stood by us through massacre after massacre—even those massacres in which the victims were mostly small children. Please remember when voting, that we could have never reached this amazing milestone without their active and steadfast help.
With this amazing task accomplished and America well on its way to being more dangerous than Afghanistan, Armed said the NRA would initiate an outreach program. “You know the Jesuit saying—give me your child to the age of seven and I will mold the man. With that in mind, we plan to give each newborn in America a birthright present—an American flag, a framed copy of the 2nd Amendment signed by Wayne Lapierre, a real silver bullet, and a certificate for a free automatic weapon redeemable provided it is presented before the toddler’s sixth birthday.”
“The membership will boom,” he said. “Get it,” he concluded with a smile.

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Stevieslaw: Senate signs off on gun control measure

Posted on June 22, 2016 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Senate signs off on gun control measure
The U.S. Senate showed some spine today as it passed its strongest gun control measure in decades. In a startlingly bipartisan manner, the Senate voted 64 to 36 to deny Osama Bin Laden automatic access to an assault rifle should he ever reanimate, immigrate to the United States and become a citizen. Under the stated conditions, the government could appeal to the Federal Courts to deny Bin Laden a weapon, provided they did so within a three day “waiting period.”
The Senate was able to overcome the influence of the National Rifle Association in this instance. The NRA had argued that the Senate Bill went much too far and was just another “nail in the coffin” of the Second Amendment. Earlier in the day, the NRA was successful in blocking a bill that would have prohibited the sale of assault weapons to all dead citizens.
The entire issue of reanimation was the subject of a rigorous debate on the Senate floor. Some Democrats went so far as to argue that there was no such thing and that the entire bill was nonsense. “Not so,” said Kansas Senator Pat Roberts, who accused the Democrats of not watching “Game of Thrones” this season, in which the character Jon Snow was reanimated in time to lead his troops into battle. Bob Casey, Senator from Pennsylvania, pointed out that Game of Thrones was a TV series based on a set of novels. After much back and forth, it was concluded that the sense of the Senate was that “reanimation of humans” was certainly currently possible and that the medical and physical arguments against it did not represent “settled science.”
Additional bills to deprive other dead people, including Hitler and Stalin, of access to weapons are currently stalled in committee.

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