Stevieslaw: Paranoia Relief Act of 2015

Posted on April 1, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Paranoia Relief Act of 2015
In contrast to the States instituting Freedom of Religion Acts, we are told by informed sources that Vermont is poised to pass a Paranoia Relief Act.
The law will provide free counseling and psychotherapy for those so frozen in fear that they actually believe that the government is coming for their guns, that there is a war on Christianity and Christmas, and that President Obama–who was born in Kenya—was elected through a vast Muslim conspiracy. A recent amendment will also offer help to those addicted to Fox News or to broadcasts or books by Rush Limbaugh or Glenn Beck. Those buying books authored by Ayn Rand in Vermont’s Barnes and Noble bookstores will be treated to a free hot chocolate, a banana-nut muffin decorated with a smiley face, a hug and a there-there.
Said Tom Lehrery, author of the bill, “In trying to help these people—our fellow citizens—we will start small.” “Perhaps we can convince them that there is something in their lives—in everyone’s lives—worth a giggle now and again.” “Perhaps we can get them to lighten up and smile for just a little while each day,” he said with a winning smile.

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Stevieslaw: Onion Snow

Posted on April 1, 2015 by stevieslaw

Onion Snow

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Stevieslaw: Mothers for Manners

Posted on March 30, 2015 by stevieslaw

With the campaign season about to begin in earnest, many Americans long for a counterbalance to the lying and mudslinging. And today, we at Stevieslaw are pleased to announce the new watchdog/action group Mothers for Manners. The group will assign a mother to each campaign, a dozen to each of the Network News stations, two dozen to each of the Cable News Stations and roughly 1000 to Fox News. The moms will ensure that civilized discourse in maintained throughout the campaign season.
“We will do what mothers have traditionally done through the ages,” said mommy Sue. “If you disparage someone, you will apologize. If you lie you will correct the lie and sit on a stool in a corner so you may reflect on your mistake.” “Potty-mouth will be corrected with soap and water.”
“On some commercial spots,” she continued, “You might hear us in the background recommending, for example—now you apologize to the Mrs. Clinton, Teddy.”
Mothers for Manners says that they will try not to cross the line to corporal punishment, although for some blatant and unapologetic candidates, spanking may be the remedy of last resort.

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Stevieslaw: Indiana Goes One Up

Posted on March 29, 2015 by stevieslaw

Invigorated by their victory in making “The Religious Freedom Act” law, the Indiana State Legislature is taking up the knotty problem of identifying sexual identity,. “It is well known among people of deep religious belief,” said Jess Usis—spokesperson, “That even inadvertently serving a hamburger with fries—hold the pickle, hold the mustard, and a vanilla shake to a gay person can consign a restaurant owner to be eternally confined to the tenth circle of hell*.” “To respond to this pressing need,” Usis continued, “The legislature is advancing a bill that will require everyone in the state to wear either a straight or gay badge, sewn on to their clothing in a prominent location. As everyone will wear a badge, Jess concluded, this law is clearly non-discriminatory. It’s just our way of introducing people to other people.”
My cousin Jerry always wanted to be a barber, but his religion (lefthairpartism) condemned those who parted their hair on the right to eternal fire (or ice—this is hotly debated still). After much soul-searching, he decided it would be best for everyone if he pursued a career sorting mail for the post-office.

*True believers agree that the tenth circle, added to alleviate the problem of overcrowding in hell, will require its residents to listen to a high definition looped tape of Elton John singing his ballads, forever

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Stevieslaw: At War with the Newts

Posted on March 28, 2015 by stevieslaw

Watchingforwar.com, a non-government agency, reported today that the United States is a close as it has ever come—excluding the Milo Minderbinder incident in World War II, to going to war with itself. As you may recall, Milo Minderbinder contracted with the Germans to bomb his own squadron headquarters at Pianosa, while fighting on both sides in the battle for Orvieto. Of course, that was fiction (and everyone had a share) while the current crisis in the Middle East only sounds like fiction (and only the oil companies have a share).
The U.S. is currently supporting the Saudi intervention against the Shiite, Houthi, rebels in Yemen, because if Yemen slips further into chaos it will hurt our chances to destroy the Al Qaeda faction—a Sunni group—operating within its borders. We are also backing the Iraqi and Iranian forces against the Sunni terrorist group, ISIS near Tikrit, since we can’t allow Iraq to slip further into chaos as it might show the war in Iraq was a bad idea. The Houthi are a wholly owned subsidiary of Iran, so to speak, while the reason for the existence of ISIS and Al Qaeda is grounded in a continuing religious insanity in Saudi Arabia. Said retired Admiral, Godly Black, “It looks like our strategy will be to bomb the Houthi—to support the Saudis, during the day, while bombing ISIS and Al Qaeda—to support the Iranians and Iraqis at night. Or vice-versa—it really can’t matter much. There will be no room for error,” he continued, “and I’d be very surprised if we weren’t engaged against ourselves before too long.”
Now, we at Stevieslaw have learned that this is part of an ambitious strategy to give both the Sunnis and the Shiites someone they hate more than they hate each other—America. “This is something even the existence of Israel couldn’t manage,” said Obama spokesperson, Desprit Times. “The recent desertion of many of the Shiite fighters outside Tikrit because of America’s help in bombing their Sunni enemies is a first success,” he said.
In a very closely related story, Governor Mike Pence of Indiana signed a “religious freedom bill,” designed to allow businesses to discriminate against gay people. Mike, a Republican, said “The ability to practice cruelty against those in any way different from you has been and will always be the bedrock of organized religion.”

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Stevieslaw: Mr. Peabody’s Coal Train

Posted on March 20, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Mr. Peabody’s Coal Train

My old friend, John Prine, stopped by last night. He sang his great Kentucky song, Paradise,” and I joined in for the chorus.

When I was a child my family would travel
Down to Western Kentucky where my parents were born
And there’s a backwards old town that’s often remembered
So many times that my memories are worn.

[Chorus:]
And daddy won’t you take me back to Muhlenberg County
Down by the Green River where Paradise lay
Well, I’m sorry my son, but you’re too late in asking
Mister Peabody’s coal train has hauled it away

Well, sometimes we’d travel right down the Green River
To the abandoned old prison down by Airdrie Hill
Where the air smelled like snakes and we’d shoot with our pistols
But empty pop bottles was all we would kill.

[Chorus]

Then the coal company came with the world’s largest shovel
And they tortured the timber and stripped all the land
Well, they dug for their coal till the land was forsaken
Then they wrote it all down as the progress of man.

[Chorus]

When I die let my ashes float down the Green River
Let my soul roll on up to the Rochester dam
I’ll be halfway to Heaven with Paradise waitin’
Just five miles away from wherever I am.

[Chorus]
Peabody’s coal company is still there and if Senator Mitch McConnell has his way they will be doing better than ever. Mitch is using his power as Senate Majority leader to get Republican Governors, State Legislatures and State Judges to oppose EPA’s new set of emissions standards which might close coal fired power plants. This, in spite of the fact that the power industry is the major carbon polluter in the nation, and if we wish to avoid the worst consequences of global warming, we must reign in emissions.
The appeal to Republicans on the state level makes a good strategy, as many of them will consider global warming a liberal hoax even as they drown. McConnell spokesperson, B.L. Rock, said that we must be willing to do more than just hold the line on the use of coal. “We must burn coal, coal and more coal, even if there is no immediate need for it for power or heat.” “Think Centralia,” he said with a loopy smile.

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Stevieslaw: Koch Brothers Compete

Posted on March 19, 2015 by stevieslaw

The story behind the story of the House and Senate budget bills, advanced by the Republican majorities this week, is the life-long competition between Charles and David Koch.
“Growing up,” said David, “We competed at every level—like brothers do.” “Now that we have bought the Congress,” interjected Charles, “We thought it would be fun to run it in a hands on manner.”
To this end, Charles wrote the Senate version of the budget bill, while David crafted the House take on spending.
“We are anxious to see how this plays out,” said both boys smilingly. “Whose ideas will win out?”
Both brothers agreed that their brotherly wrangling was “the future of all competition in America—especially after we help Hillary self-destruct.”
“Get used to it, America,” said the brothers in unison.

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Stevieslaw: World Leaders Lining Up

Posted on March 18, 2015 by stevieslaw

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Republicans are attributing Ben Netanyahu’s big win to his protocol bending appearance before the United States Congress a few weeks before his election. As you no doubt recall, Bibi’s speech bashed Obama’s negotiations with Iran and to a large extent Obama himself. Now, says Conrad Richter, spokesperson for the Congressional Republicans, “World leaders are coming forward in droves.” “They would like to improve their approval ratings by having us invite them to address the Congress, while doing an end run around Obama. Their speeches would ridicule American foreign policy as practiced by Obama and Hilary Clinton.”
“What a boon,” added Richter with a smile.
Conrad admitted that many members of Congress were having trouble identifying the nation involved, their location in the world, and the political systems they live under, but he didn’t feel that would be a significant issue.
“For example,” he said, “We have just had a serious inquiry from President Dilma Rousseff of Brazil, but many members feel that the name is made up and someone on the net is playing with us. In addition, while most members have a general idea of where Israel is, very few can find a tiny nation like Brazil on the map. These are very minor issues that we feel we can work through with the help of say, a recently unemployed elementary school teacher from Wisconsin or two.”
“Let the speeches begin,” concluded Richter.

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Stevieslaw: The Truth about “House of Cards.”

Posted on March 17, 2015 by stevieslaw

Sex, murder and cover-up, influence peddling, money laundering, a Chinese connection, a meddling billionaire, rank partisan politics, an inept secret service and FBI—is it any wonder that a recent New York Times poll found that 73% of people who watch the popular Netflix show, House of Cards, thought that it was a documentary/expose about current conditions in Washington? Smokey Diamond, who has been compiling comments from the poll offers a few here:
1. Martha Washington from Norman, OK says “Netflix should be commended for producing this expose of the President, Vice-President and Congress in such a timely manner.”
2. Martin Van Buren, from Selma, AL notes, “Its presentation on Netflix limits its distribution. Clearly, this is just another example of the liberal Networks trying to hide the truth from the American people.”
3. Robert Heinlein, from Boston, MA asks our help, “I saw Frank Underwood push Zoe under the train. I’m being held hostage by a skinny balding guy in a bad suit.”
And finally,
4. Senator Ted Cruz of Texas admits, “I’m very, very confused.” “I thought the black guy was the President.”

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Stevieslaw: Senator Bozo’s Timeout

Posted on March 14, 2015 by stevieslaw

Are you tired of your representative saying something so heinous or famously stupid that your jaw drops so rapidly your teeth hurt for hours after? So is Ida Spank, founder and president of Tough Love, Inc. Ida, in an interview with our own Smokey Diamond, suggested that America was ready for a more participatory version of democracy.
“As a first step,” Ida said, “We are proposing a constitutional amendment that will allow citizens to censure their out of line representatives in a much timelier manner. The amendment, which we hope to have on most State’s ballots in the next few months, is simply termed, “The Timeout,” and best represents the action appropriate to their typically childish behavior.”
“Object to 47 senator’s nearly-treasonous letter to Iran,” she continued? “Just vote them a timeout. We propose that timeouts range from an hour to a year depending of the egregiousness of the offense. We might prescribe an hour or two for someone who wastes the Nation’s time reading “The Cat in the Hat,” on the Senate floor and a year for some ass who lists the benefits of rape in a speech to defund Planned Parenthood.”
“Citizens would vote on the internet—say once a day,” she concluded, “and timeouts would be the standard sit in the corner without your toys–in this case, no cameras, microphones, reporters or writing materials.”
“Brilliant,” said Smokey, “And what’s next?”
“The Public Spanking Amendment,” said Ida with a smile, “For those incapable of learning from their timeouts.”

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