Stevieslaw: Netanyahu Addresses Congress in Hebrew

Posted on March 3, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Netanyahu Addresses Congress in Hebrew
Benjamin Netanyahu, prime minister of Israel, addressed a joint session of Congress today. Netanyahu spoke almost entirely in Hebrew—which with Arabic is one of two official languages of Israel, with a spattering of Yiddish thrown in. His speech was not translated for the Congress.
Congressional Republicans reacted with glee. “This is music to our ears,” said spokesperson Jim P.T Ococlusion, “It was clearly a rebuke of all of Barack Obama’s policies and decisions dated back to when he was a child.” “While some might argue that since not a single member of our caucus could understand a word Netanyahu was saying,” he continued, “”We’d have a hard time drawing conclusions from the speech. But as you know proceeding from faulty understanding is how we work.”
Senator Ted Cruz could not agree more. I loved the chant, “That Barack I am, Barack I am, I do not like Barack I am.” “The two aspects of the speech that made the biggest impression on me,” he said, “Was Netanyahu’s condemnation of Obama’s immigration order and the stunning way he took apart Obamacare.” It was classy and classic. Way to go BuBu.

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Stevieslaw: Wave/Particle Duality Surfaces in Memory

Posted on March 1, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Wave/Particle Duality Surfaces in Memory
The subject of a long-standing discussion in physics is whether light behaves as a wave or a particle. Both, seems the current answer. Now Jeb Bush, Republican hopeful for President in 2016 has bravely extended the wave/particle controversy to memory. In what will soon be the Republican talking point on the war in Iraq, he argues that the war was good and bad. The good was the doing of his brother George W., who acting on serious intelligence that strongly suggested Saddam Hussein not only had weapons of mass destruction, but also had active plans to use them to bomb us into oblivion a week from Tuesday, invaded Iraq. Sure, the intelligence was wrong, but what red-blooded American who truly loves America wouldn’t have done the exact same thing. Then there was the fall of Saddam and Iraq and the heroic “surge” that saved the day for civilization. I seem to recall that George W. flew combat missions with Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. When George left office, Iraq was well on its way to becoming a 21st century garden of Eden.
Jeb contrasts that with Obama’s handling of the aftermath. The bad war. A disengaged President, who has trouble distinguishing the guys in the white hats from the guys in the black hats in the Middle East, flubs the golden opportunity offered up by Bush’s. Incompetence? Insufficient love of America? Both? You decide.
The duality theory of memory will also be used to explain the recent depression. You know—the one which was caused by an out-of-control banking and securities system that damaged everyone but the banks and Wall Street. In the Bush version, a financial aberration that could have happened to anyone, anytime led to the collapse of the economy. No fault there. Now contrast that with the miserably ineffective handling of the recovery under Barack and you have the picture.

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Stevieslaw: Finding Funny

Posted on February 28, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Finding Funny
If Scotty Rand, the self-styled master of ceremonies for the 2015 Conservative Political Action Conference, has his way, conservative politicians will be a whole lot funnier this year. Scotty has hired more than a dozen stand-up comedians to give workshops and lectures on the “nature of funny.” “When you think conservative,” he said with a sigh, “You think angry and outraged, you don’t think funny. Finding a candidate with an intact funny bone—one that can be taught to be occasionally humorous, would be a huge advantage in the 2016 Presidential election.”
Yo Yo Schwartz, one of the comedians employed, said that making Conservatives funny will not be easy. “Their timing is lousy,” he complained, “Often they try to excuse something awfully stupid that they’ve said by saying it was a joke. Suppose Sarah Palin had actually meant she had a feel for foreign policy because she could see Russia from Alaska as a joke. It would have changed the campaign.” Anne Vitale, another comic continued, they have no sense of juxtaposition—the fine art of comparing a to b in a way that warrants a belly laugh. That’s a humor essential. For example, Scott Walker might have made a biting satirical remark about ISIS, but comparing his future campaign against them as a continuation of his war on labor unions just comes off as mean—in the sense of both small and bitter. And, it made no sense—there is no nugget of truth there.” “Perhaps Scotty could have used some “Common Core,’ schooling—having to answer questions like a is to b like c is to an elephant might have been helpful to him.”
“The worst thing,” both comics agreed, “Is that many of people in this group don’t understand what is not funny.” “More than 70% of the people in my class thought it was theoretically possible for a middle-aged congressman from Oklahoma to say something funny about rape,” said Yo Yo.
Both comics certainly agreed that this was an opportunity for conservatives. “Hillary is not funny either,” they said “Though Bill is a real mensch.”

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Stevieslaw: Animal House

Posted on February 27, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Animal House
House Republicans realized last night that by shutting down the Department of Homeland Security, by withholding funding because of an unrelated executive order on immigration, they would be shutting down the Department of Homeland Security. What is worse, the Republicans, who started the current term with the hope of projecting a message of “we can lead,” also realized late last night that the public will certainly blame them for shutting down the Department of Homeland Security. “It’s bad,” said Speaker Boehner. “The public might have looked at the shutdown as a wise and conscientious decision,” he continued, “But they apparently consider it just another temper tantrum.”
Boehner is feverishly working with the House rank and file to come up with a “solution that is not as stupid on its surface,” in the 15 or 20 minutes remaining before the Department of Homeland Security closes. “This is not unusual,” he proclaimed.
No. It is not unusual and when I thought about it, I got a visual image of the House of Representatives as Animal House. It’s as if the smart guy, Boon, comes into the main room one day and announces, “I found a bigger place.” “We get a budget, a gym and its rent free forever. All the owners—some weird group with costumes celebrating the Revolutionary War, want us to do is trash it. And I think we might stay drunk long enough to do that.”
Yes. They can.

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Stevieslaw: The Veto Ratio

Posted on February 25, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: The Veto Ratio
President Obama showed little love for the Keystone Pipeline Program, vetoing it as he said he would. Republican reaction was fast and furious. House Speaker John Boehner called the veto a “national embarrassment,” while Senate Majority Leader McConnell accused the President of “yielding to powerful special interests.”
Presidential Spokesperson, Watt Now, was quick to point out that this was only Obama’s 3rd veto, while Clinton had issued 37, Ronald Reagan 78 and Bush I and II together 56. The Republicans quickly responded. Spokeswoman, Tim Onmihands, noted that previous Presidents had vetoed more legislation simply because more legislation had been passed. “It is obviously the ratio of vetoes to passed bills that is the important parameter,’ she noted. “And since this congress has passed very, very little of anything, particularly if we discount naming post-offices, the ratio shows that Obama is overusing his veto power.” “This tyranny must stop.”
The Keystone Pipeline—known environmentally as, “the nail in the climate coffin,” has been under review by the State Department, since the Presidency of George W. Bush. The review will determine if the pipeline, which will take really, really dirty Canadian tar sands, refine it and ship it overseas, is in the national interest. Since 2008, the Department has spent over an hour and a half reviewing the program. State Department officials have increasingly talked about turning some of the review over to the Department of Veterans Affairs in an attempt to streamline it. A State Department spokesperson, who wished to remain anonymous, summarized the problem as, “National interest is a very difficult thing to determine. The fact that it makes no sense to build the damn thing from any other point of view is of no help to us.”

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Stevieslaw: Tums for the big Blue-green

Posted on February 25, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Tums for the Big Blue-Green
Chris Adams, of McClatchy Washington Bureau, wrote a very detailed article about the acidification of the oceans that appeared in our local newspaper, no doubt through an editorial error. Acidification of the oceans is another consequence of burning fossil fuels, and the race is on between atmospheric and oceanic disasters to see which will extinct us first. There will be no prize for second place.
Aside for a very short time in which we will be able to eat shell fish much more easily as they will have very little shell, we believe that something must be quickly done to stave off this disaster. We might try the direct attack and try to solve the problem through a concerted effort to significantly limit the use of fossil fuels. But, as Smokey Diamond just reminded me, we need to get serious.
Fortunately, the answer came to me today, about an hour after I ate two chili dogs at the local Sheets everything station. Antacids—tum, ta, tum, tum. Feed the ocean tube after tube of the chalky stuff—just remember to recycle the packaging. And while it is highly unusual for us to offer stock tips, I think you will agree that the time to buy stock in the companies that make inexpensive over-the-counter antacids—like tums and Rolaids, is now. Considering what we have been feeding the big Blue-Green, it’s going to take a lot of antacid. It’s a chance to make some money while doing a good deed. And don’t forget to drop in a soft-chew or two the next time you’re at the shore.

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Stevieslaw: Cops of the World

Posted on February 23, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Cops of the World
While perusing the headlines in the New York Times this morning, Phil Ochs tapped me on the shoulder and smiled. Phil’s been dead for years, so that was a little eerie, but I think his smile was trying to tell me something. Phil was a protest singer in the ‘60’s, along with the likes of Tom Paxton, Eric Andersen, and Pat Sky*. Phil was a big deal back in the day. I heard him perform twice at Carnegie Hall in New York City. One of the songs he sang there in 1966 was “Cops of the World.” Here’s the first stanza and chorus:

Phil Ochs
Come, get out of the way, boys
Quick, get out of the way
You’d better watch what you say, boys
Better watch what you say
We’ve rammed in your harbor and tied to your port
And our pistols are hungry and our tempers are short
So bring your daughters around to the port
‘Cause we’re the Cops of the World, boys
We’re the Cops of the World.

And while the individual stanzas are dated, it wouldn’t be that hard to write ten or twenty new ones that brought us up to today. Because the truth of the matter is the subject of the song still applies. Maybe that was what Phil was trying to tell me with his smile. It’s coming up on the 50 year anniversary of the song. That’s a long time to be a cop on the beat. I don’t think any police force in the country would allow you to work that long. Maybe it’s time to retire. Time to buy a little cottage in Havana and take up deep sea fishing.
*Tom Lehrer does a great parody of the breed

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Stevieslaw: Welcome to Walmart

Posted on February 20, 2015 by stevieslaw

At Stevieslaw, we are certainly happy to hear that Walmart will be raising the wages of their 500,000 most poorly paid employees. The increase will certainly not bring these workers to a livable wage—but every little bit helps. Right?
It is the philosophy behind the increase that was revelatory. Walmart CEO, Doug McMillan, acknowledged for the first time ever that corporate profits might be tied to the welfare of its employees. Wow! Doug seems to be saying that maximizing the bottom line may not be achieved just by reducing your employee costs to next to nothing. Perhaps, customer satisfaction might be improved if your store is not staffed by too few employees with too many worries to care about selling stuff, restocking or cleaning up. And, satisfied customers spend more money. Who would have guessed it?
We are afraid that proper staffing of the local Walmart will play havoc with one of our favorite winter games. In the game, three couples are simultaneously flung into the local Walmart, through three separate entrances, with instructions to find three odd items, take them to an open checkout line, and complete a purchase. As you know, Walmart stores are basically barns filled with rows and rows of trinkets. Many departments have not seen a salesperson since before the war (your choice). Apart from electronics, where the fear of shoplifting demands staffing, finding a salesperson in the store is a truly rare and random event. And that staff person is more than likely to send you off in the wrong direction. Last week, we tried to find a gray button, a yo-yo, and a three-hole punch. Two of the couples are still searching.

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Stevieslaw: Kochpromise-Executive Briefs

Posted on February 19, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Kochpromise—Executive Briefs
Koch Brothers spokesperson, C.A. Peeples, said today that “talk of the Brothers renaming the White House, Koch Industries East, after they buy it in the 2016 election, is premature. The Koch’s have spent a great deal of time with their architects and believe it may be possible to simply add a small addition to the building—a Koch wing, he said with a grin, in which the brothers can reside when they come to the capital to do the people’s work.” C.A. assured Smokey Diamond that Koch Industry’s fellow citizens would be informed as soon as a decision is made.
In a related development, future presidential candidate, Jeb Bush, told those assembled at the Chicago Council on Global Affairs that he was his own man. He noted that every president “inherits a changing world and changing circumstances.” He went on to assure the crowd that the only recognizable similarity between his presidency and those of the George’s Bush, would be the obvious need to include Dick Cheney in a Jeb administration. Cheney served as Secretary of Defense under George H.W. Bush and as Vice-President under George W. Bush. Jeb went on to say that Cheney would make a heck of a choice for either Secretary of Health and Human Welfare or Head of the Environmental Protection Agency. “It’s up to the Koch brothers to make the call,” he confided.

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Stevieslaw: Teach Your Toddlers Well

Posted on February 18, 2015 by stevieslaw

Stevieslaw: Teach your toddlers well
Christopher Rugaber, writing for The Associated Press, reported that younger Americans, saddled with student debt, are not stepping up to buy homes. The total amount owed by students is roughly 1.2 trillion dollars. Yes. Trillion.
That is not what is bothering, Dr. Yule Owme, spokesperson for the Student Loan Consortium. What is bothering Dr. Owme is the future of his industry. “It’s hard to plan for the future, he said, when the current financial considerations of young people are colored by the accumulated wealth of parents and grandparents.” “The older generation benefited from unions, pensions and savings in a way that will not be repeated for their offspring” he continued. “For example,” he went on, “When cash strapped young marrieds with enormous student loan burdens are faced with pre-school costs for their youngsters, they can currently turn to their parents or grandparents for financial help.”
“The coming generations will arrive at retirement dead broke,” he said with a smile. “Any money left them by their parents will be quickly squandered on cruises and coffees,” he chuckled.
“But listen carefully,” he said in a whisper, “Except for a group of Republicans in the House and Senate who believe that the only reason for taxes is to support yet another war, we all agree on the importance of preschool education.” “That is our industry’s new frontier. And since we will not be able to extract money from cash-starved young parents for much longer, we will need to offer pre-school loans to credit-worthy toddlers directly.”
“We all accept that there can be no greater civic duty than borrowing heavily and repaying with interest.” “With our government’s help, we believe we can instill this principle in toddlers before they have even mastered the art of crawling,” he concluded.

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